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Boyfriend looking at other women ...

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  • 18-09-2010 5:53pm
    #1
    Cat_73
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4 ✭


    Hey guys,

    Just looking for some advice. Everytime I'm out with my boyfriend he is constantly looking at other women. This is done blatently in front of me. I'll see him staring over my shoulder and look over and see he's staring at another women and it can be any age although she has to be thin ..... he has told me that he feels that I'm not slim enough for him. If the girl is pretty and she's walking to the bathroom his eyes will follow her all the way there, he then waits for her to come out and will actually turn around to see where she sits. This is not doing my self confidence any good !!

    Other boyfriends have looked at other girls but never so obviously and I was fine with that. I feel that my current boyfriend has his rador still up and doesn't take this relationship very seriously at all. I think I'm wasting my time and need to move on.

    Welcome comments :-)


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    #2
    EL_Loco
    Registered Users Posts: 901 ✭✭✭EL_Loco


    anytime a woman asks a question like this i always say to myself "if my sister came home and asked this what would i say?"

    He's a clown, dump him. Be happy.


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    #3
    DeepBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 3,669 ✭✭✭DeepBlue


    I wouldn't set myself up as an expert but imo respect is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
    If he doesn't respect you enough to not be so blatantly obvious about checking out other women and appears to be rubbing your face in it then it's time to give him the red card and move on.


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    #4
    Jagle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 870 ✭✭✭Jagle


    to be honest i was about to tell you that its normal just this guy has no class and is doing it very obviously, now if he says your not slim enough for him, well im sorry but get rid of him, and fast, like right now


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    #5
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Get rid of him, fast!

    It seems to me that he is looking at other women simply to make you feel bad. You have said that already your self confidence is being eroded. Anyone who would deliberatley do that is bad news.

    The psychological crap will only escalate as your self confidence decreases.

    Dump him.


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    #6
    sam34
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    from tGC with love


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    #7
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    So he actively stares at other women, tells you that you aren't attractive enough and actually moves around to get a better eyeful of whatever totty he's watching while you are sitting there? Why are you with this man? In what way does he make you feel special and enriches your life? :confused:

    He sounds like he has zero emotional maturity or at least has zero real interest in you and your relationship. There are plenty of lovely guys out there that would be able to at least go to the effort of mustering some tact and discretion. Try dating other guys & I think you'll be pleasantly surprised about all the things you shouldn't be having to put up with.

    Best of luck!


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    #8
    Cat_73
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4 ✭Cat_73


    Am agreeing with all the posts above. His days are numbered !!!


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    #9
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 912 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    Am agreeing with all the posts above. His days are numbered !!!

    Op they shouldnt be numbered. They should be over.


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    #10
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    To be honest Cat any guy I was with who told me I'm not slim enough for him would be gone, right there and then.

    It seems he's checking these 'thin' women out so blatently as an extra kick to the shins. What would he say if you said he wasn't well enough endowed for you and started intently crotch watching every male that came into your eye-line???

    End it, now, before your confidence is eroded any further. Any don't ever stick around again if a guy tells you you're not 'enough' for him.


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    #11
    Zen65
    Registered Users Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    I think I'm wasting my time and need to move on.

    That would seem to be the case, based on what you've posted.


    Be at peace,

    Z


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have to say he sounds like an asshole, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and it is extremely rare that I would ever see him looking at another girl, when he does and I see him he gets embarrassed and we laugh about it, same as if he saw me looking at another fella which is also rare. It's one thing looking, it's natural...you cannot help but look at someone you find attractive and appreciate them....however staring at them obviously or turning around for a better look and knowing that you can see him doing so is extremely disrespectful, he sounds like a douchebag Op


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    #13
    mercer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭mercer


    wow. you're boyfriend is an asshole! primarily for telling you that you are not slim enough for him... but also for not respecting you're feels and eye fu'cking every other girl just to passive aggressively put you down. that is downright unforgivable. you should not be with him, you should and deserve to be with someone who loves you for you. not the you minus a few pounds. dont waste another second with someone who thinks ****e like that is important - its not!

    my father used to tell me - the day a man stops looking is the day he dies -
    well, thats total crap! i'm with my boyfriend 8 years and i have never seen him look at another girl. my two best male friends stare at women all the time so thats how i know my boyfriend doesn't participate.

    seriously, you seem really lovely. dump him and find someone who will make you feel you're the only person in the world. x


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    #14
    TitoPuente
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭TitoPuente


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    he has told me that he feels that I'm not slim enough for him

    Ugh. What a complete scumbag. Dump him. A lot of men out there that will forget other women exist when they're with you. Find one of them.


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    #15
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    He sounds like a complete tool, why would you go out with someone who tells you you aren't attractive enough and then stares at other women when you're out?? Dump him and get yourself the kind of guy you deserve. I'm sure he'll find exactly the kind of woman he deserves, too. ;)


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    #16
    TitoPuente
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭TitoPuente


    Toots* wrote: »
    why would you go out with someone who tells you you aren't attractive enough and then stares at other women when you're out??

    A lot of people were raised in unhealthy environments and are more interested in wearing away the self-esteem of their partners and controlling them instead of actually loving and respecting them in a healthy way. I blame the parents. Of course some people are just dicks.

    I'd ditch this guy and make sure he knows why. Instead of being sheepish, just break up with him in a public place and use a condescending tone with him. Smile and say "Why would I want to stay with some idiot who says I'm unattractive and letches at other women?" then give him his marching orders. Getting dumped will send a very clear message to him and you get to walk away with your dignity intact.


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    #17
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    Op, if I could send you some self esteem I would.

    Can you think of any good reason why you should say with this guy, he constantly checks out other women & tells you you're not slim enough for him. I'd have gotten rid of him before he could have even finished that sentence.

    You shouldnt let anyone treat you like this - get rid....if you can think of any reason not to dump him...let us know...because I'm pretty sure what ever the reason you're still with him will not be good enough.


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    #18
    Cat_73
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4 ✭Cat_73


    Thanks so much for the replies.

    I'm really confused with his behaviour. I told a couple of close friends what he said to me and they were horrified. They think he's punching above his weight with me anyways and think he's trying to transfer his own insecurities onto me. He's not the most attractive man in the world but beauty is in the eye of the beholder ... well it is for me anyway.

    Sometimes he can be really kind and thoughtful which is why I'm so confused. I think he's really insecure and doesn't think I'll stay with him. He went through a really bad breakup with his last girlfriend and she said some nasty things to him. Prob hasn't helped things.

    oh, he's 38 so hardly a child and should know how to treat a woman properly !!!!


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    #19
    Cheap Thrills!
    Registered Users Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭Cheap Thrills!


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    He went through a really bad breakup with his last girlfriend and she said some nasty things to him. Prob hasn't helped things

    Hi OP, well honestly, the above does little to excuse his behaviour, in fact it makes it worse. His previous GF treated him badly so......he takes it out on you? Nuh-uh! Fail. Right there.

    As for the theory about him punching above his weight and trying to bring you down, it's probably true but that shouldn't make you feel better, it should make it worse.

    Don't rationalise his behaviour, he's a man, he knows how to behave. I know pickings are thin in that age group but don't accept this fool and his self absorbed world of bullsh!t. Red card him and move on.


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    #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    Thanks so much for the replies.

    I'm really confused with his behaviour. I told a couple of close friends what he said to me and they were horrified. They think he's punching above his weight with me anyways and think he's trying to transfer his own insecurities onto me. He's not the most attractive man in the world but beauty is in the eye of the beholder ... well it is for me anyway.

    Sometimes he can be really kind and thoughtful which is why I'm so confused. I think he's really insecure and doesn't think I'll stay with him. He went through a really bad breakup with his last girlfriend and she said some nasty things to him. Prob hasn't helped things.

    oh, he's 38 so hardly a child and should know how to treat a woman properly !!!!

    So why are you settling for a guy, who you have just stated, doesn't know how to treat a woman properly. You have, it would seem, no intention of leaving him as you are making excuses for his terrible behaviour left, right and centre.

    You obviously have serious elf esteem and dependancy issues if you are putting up with this


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    #21
    TitoPuente
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭TitoPuente


    Hy stay so wrote: »
    You obviously have serious elf esteem and dependancy issues if you are putting up with this

    Prove this poster wrong and dump the guy. You deserve to be happy. Not abused.


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    #22
    [-0-]
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭[-0-]


    Do you have low self esteem? Why are you with someone who says you're not slim enough for him and treats you like this?

    Lose him.


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    TitoPuente wrote: »
    Prove this poster wrong and dump the guy. You deserve to be happy. Not abused.

    and I really hope she does.... I know what's it's like to be scared to leave a relationship but abuse and it is abuse would see me running for thr hills. Good luck op


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    #24
    Memnoch
    Registered Users Posts: 4,276 ✭✭✭Memnoch


    TitoPuente wrote: »
    Prove this poster wrong and dump the guy. You deserve to be happy. Not abused.

    Browbeating the OP into dumping her bf isn't the way to go, even if everyone here genuinely thinks it is the right thing to do.

    OP, spelling it out:

    1) Lots of guys check out other women from time to time, they can't help themselves, but most have the decency to be a little discreet about it and not use it to try and make a point (passive aggressively, as has been pointed out) to their current gf.

    2) If he doesn't like the way you look, why is he with you? As long as you are happy with the way you are, you shouldn't feel under any pressure to change yourself, be that losing weight or whatever. A relationship where you are pressured to do this is not a good place to be.

    At most you should give him the TALK and tell him to cop the hell on. But he doesn't sound like the kind of person who would change the attitude.

    There's a reason the unanimous advice here is to cut and run.

    As for the nice gestures. Look, that's the way people are. There is no one, who is 100% good or 100% bad. Even the worst of the worst criminals will have their good moments, that doesn't mean they are good people to be around.

    So whatever nice stuff he does or doesn't do, THIS stuff is destroying your self-esteem and that's not worth what he's offering in return.

    Look after yourself.


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    #25
    TitoPuente
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭TitoPuente


    Memnoch wrote: »
    Browbeating the OP into dumping her bf isn't the way to go, even if everyone here genuinely thinks it is the right thing to do.

    Em, excuse me? Nobody is 'browbeating' anyone? This guy blatantly leers at other women in his girlfriend's company and has cruelly put her appearance down. He's an emotional abuser.

    Your advice to the OP to give him a 'talk' is ludicrous and is merely perpetuating that abuse. The best advice she can receive is to cut him out of her life completely. Personally I'd suggest cutting off all contact and not even affording him the dignity of closure. His ego could certainly do with the adjustment.

    As you say, nobody is 100% good or 100% bad, but the nature of this abuse isn't something you sit around talking about. You leave this person ASAP. I've seen too many women (and men for that matter) suffer unnecessary abuse at the hands of maladjusted idiots.


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    #26
    Fahrrad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭Fahrrad


    Cat_73 wrote: »
    Hey guys,

    Just looking for some advice. Everytime I'm out with my boyfriend he is constantly looking at other women. This is done blatently in front of me. I'll see him staring over my shoulder and look over and see he's staring at another women and it can be any age although she has to be thin ..... he has told me that he feels that I'm not slim enough for him.

    Fire him. If he is so hung up on that rather than on being close to you let him go and try to be with one of these other women, because you deserve better.


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    #27
    Dowdy20
    Closed Accounts Posts: 79 ✭✭Dowdy20


    Oh for gods sake.....if this clown cant see what he has then he doesn't deserve it.

    i appreciate a woman for who she is not what she looks like. i like a pretty girl if i think shes pretty. i don't care what others think.

    if it makes you unhappy then end it. he's obviously an ass. why stay with someone if he makes you unhappy??

    love is blind it takes a strong minded person to see beyond the rose tinted glasses and see what really makes them happy...


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    #28
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    A 38 year old man with a chip on his shoulder about women. Run like your life depends on it. He's too old now to change his thinking-he thinks women are out to get him (going by what you said about his ex, bad form to talk about an ex in a sh*tty manner). He's 38, so I'm guessing you're probably in your thirties too? Well can you imagine being married to such a man? A man who would erode your self esteem on a daily basis. I don't know of one person who would say 'Oh I'd love to meet a man/woman with a huge chip on his/her shoulder about the opposite sex, and who tells me I'm not good enough'. I'm sure you never envisaged yourself with a man like this. Take a look at why you're staying with a man like this.

    You can stay with him if you want. Get married, have kids, spend your life having your self esteem eroded, pass it on to your children, etc etc.
    Or you can tell him where to go and live a life of happiness, a life where you believe in your own self worth.
    It's your choice whether or not you stay with him (not his or anyone else's). It's your happiness at stake. If your relationship is based on you putting your own happiness on the back burner, it will be a relationship fraught with disappointment and despair.


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    #29
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    OP, you say his behaviour is making you confused....he wants you to be confused! And it's obviously working. This is red flag behaviour.

    Run, Run, Run.


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    #30
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    DTMFA

    The D stands for Dump and the A stands for Already.


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    #31
    the gob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭the gob


    something tells me you wont end up marrying this guy


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