New Relationship

hermit · 07-01-2008 1:51pm #1

I'll try keep this short....

Was seeing a girl for 3.5 yrs.

I noticed probably 1.5yrs ago that things weren't quite going so well as they used to. However, after 2 yrs I fought on and tried to make things as good as possible. About a yr ago I noticed that the gap between our interests and our future desires was growing all the time. at that time we were both 23 - she wanted to settle down ASAP and I didn;t even want to consider it. I suppose around August I really begin to wonder did I love this girl anymore and again I tried hard to keep things going ok and/or make them better.

At the same time a new girl (same age) started working with me and over the next few months I started to develop strong feelings for this girl. I DID NOT CHEAT AT ANY POINT. This kinda put my relationship into perspective and I realised that no matter what I had to get out of it.

At the same time this girl from work had been going out with a guy for 6 years and had just bought a house with him. Altho, she had similar feelings to me. Didn;t want to be in her relationship and as I found out later she had developed strong feelings for me.

At the end of November, she broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of the house (this issue is still being sorted). A week later after a fairly big row I used the opportunity to break up with my girlfriend. I'm fairly sure it devestated her and I tried to keep a close eye (thru friends) on her to make sure she was doing ok. Thankfully, it wud appear that she is getting on with her life and is having fun. Altho, things wit us got a bit nasty in the end and at the mo we don;t talk. Which I really didnt want but will accept if it makes things easier.

A month ago, I started going out with the girl from work a lot and we get on so so well. I'm really happy, as is she and we are I suppose kinda officially seeing each other now.

I am happy to let whatever happens happen. Really in my mind my previous relationship was probably dead a year ago altho I did try to make things work as much as I could.

I'm just worried that I mite be getting into something too soon or if I should just let things fall into place and go with the flow. Particularly I suppose is that I don't know what will happen and as I've said I'm really getting strong feelings for this girl and i don't know if its too soon for her.

Should I genuienly worry or just go with it ??

thanks

padser · 07-01-2008 1:58pm

Just go with it.

You didn't do anything wrong. In fact you seemed to make very sensible decisions in your last relationship - I don't see any reason why you wouldn't do the same in this one

seamus · 07-01-2008 2:09pm

Just go with it. You know that you didn't force the new relationship and the groundwork had kind of been lain well before the old relationships ended, so it's not a rebound relationship.

If you had just suddenly latched onto eachother after breaking up, there might be an issue, but the seeds had been sown already.

The only thing highlighted in your post is that you had no wish to settle down. So perhaps a period of not being in any relationship may be what you need - go travelling and whatnot. If you stop this new relationship now on those grounds with the hope of picking it up later on, it may work out better.

Perhaps in 2 years time with this new girl, she'll suggest moving in together and suddenly all those things you've never done will flash in front of your eyes and you're back to square one. Maybe work out why you didn't want to "settle down".

Rattlehead_ie · 07-01-2008 2:12pm

OP: My opinion in this one would go with it. Don't worry about previous relationships and how long ago they were or weren't and when they were actually over or not.

If this new relationship works it will work because of your feelings and your closeness together and what you build up as a friendship. If it doesn't work out it wont have worked out for a reason, not because you were "just" outa a relationship.

Persoanlly Im in a situation where being (v recently) single is v new to me after many years in one of 2 relationships and although for now enjoying single life, if I met someone I liked later today or tomorrow I would not hesitate to see where things went if the feelings were mutual.

Overheal · 07-01-2008 2:42pm

Thats the nature of relationships - you relate to each other. You don't sound like you could honestly relate to your ex girlfriend and i doubt either of you were able to accept the other's opinion to settle down/keep dating. Then this other girl comes along in the same boat as you and so why shouldn't you check that out? Exactly: no reason at all (unless I'm missing something ^_^ ). Go for it.

(additional reading: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_relationship)

Wibbs · 07-01-2008 2:46pm

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

OP: My opinion in this one would go with it. Don't worry about previous relationships and how long ago they were or weren't and when they were actually over or not.

If this new relationship works it will work because of your feelings and your closeness together and what you build up as a friendship. If it doesn't work out it wont have worked out for a reason, not because you were "just" outa a relationship.

Yes and no. Of course it makes a difference when the old one was over or not. If someone is actually over the old relationship and has moved on from it emotionally and learned from it, then yes I say go for it. If not then it's all too easy to drag the crap from the old into the new, that you may not even spot until the lust dies down. That's why its usually a good plan to take a break between serious relationships.

Whispered · 07-01-2008 3:04pm

In my opinion you should use this opportunity to go do something you' always wanted to do. Like work in America or travel the world. If you had a problem with settling with your ex perhaps there is something that you need to do before you'll be able to settle with anyone?

I know it's all a personal thing but to be 23, and going out with a girl for 3.5 years and not wanting to move in with her. That in itself must have been very upsetting for her.

Rattlehead_ie · 07-01-2008 3:27pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes and no. Of course it makes a difference when the old one was over or not. If someone is actually over the old relationship and has moved on from it emotionally and learned from it, then yes I say go for it. If not then it's all too easy to drag the crap from the old into the new, that you may not even spot until the lust dies down. That's why its usually a good plan to take a break between serious relationships.

I agree, although that didnt come out v well in my post. I would expect that form reading the OP, that the emotional and that the crap had been left behind already.

hermit · 07-01-2008 3:35pm

Hi, thanks for the replies so far, much appreciated.

Yeah all of the emotional stuff has long since gone now. even before the break up.

I don't have a particular reason for not wanting to settle down. I've travelled a lot, I've a good career and loads of options. One thing I do know, which unfortunately only discovered in the last year is that I didn't feel that my previous girlfriend was the rite person to settle down with. Not because of anything bad on her part, in fact in most ways she was great. But we had different interests and I didn't feel for her the way I think I should for a life long committment.

The new girl I feel so far is much more on my wavelength but it is very early days and at this stage I'm not even considering the possibility of such seriousness - i guess i just wanna get to know her even more and continue being happy.

BoozyBabe · 07-01-2008 4:51pm

Just go with it.

I was in the exact same situation only reversed.
With my partner for 5 years, but knew something was wrong for atleast the last 2, but kept fighting away at it to try & keep it going.
Meanwhile there was a guy I liked, but I kept trying to cover up the feelings to concentrate on my relationship.

Eventually realised that I was fighting a losing battle. Broke up with my partner. Met the new guy the very next night. We kissed, then held off for a month until he was sure I had my head sorted out.
We've been with each other over 2 years now & I've never been happier.

Go for it.

babsbabs · 17-02-2008 8:31pm

This happened to me. I was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. And he decided that it wasnt working out. I didn't want to believe him at first. But then when I thought about it I hadnt been happy in the relationship for about two years. But like you I tried to work it out. But what I learned was if you have to try then its not worth it.

Like you it ended bad. He didnt tell me the truth on why it was ending. And I think thats why I was so annoyed. We dont talk now, and really its for the best I lost all respect for him, and actually realised that I never really loved him in the first place. Not really loved, I think it was just comfort.

He is now with someone else, which I think is great, there are a few problems tho, the new girl seems to think she knows me and he has told her alot, but I dont let it get to me, because it proves to me what type of man he is.

You said that you think your girlfriend was devastated. I dont think she would have been, I think she may have seen the light quicker than you think, and I dont think your giving her enough credit.

I am now in a happy relationship with a guy I met just after we split. He is everything my last boyfriend wasnt. Kind, caring, happy, honest to name but a few. He showed me that myself and my ex really hadnt got a proper relationship and that we were just going along out of laziness. I am only with this gut about three months and already we are better than I was with my ex after 3.5 years.

To be honest I think you both got a lucky escape, as for the settling down, if you had a problem with one girl, then its not because of something she was doing, its something inside you, make sure you work that out first before things get serious, you dont want to ruin this realtionship !

Overheal · 17-02-2008 9:01pm

Relationships are often too complicated to try and swim in/against. Go with the flow.

conbob · 18-02-2008 12:53am

hermit wrote: »

I'll try keep this short....

Was seeing a girl for 3.5 yrs.

I noticed probably 1.5yrs ago that things weren't quite going so well as they used to. However, after 2 yrs I fought on and tried to make things as good as possible. About a yr ago I noticed that the gap between our interests and our future desires was growing all the time. at that time we were both 23 - she wanted to settle down ASAP and I didn;t even want to consider it. I suppose around August I really begin to wonder did I love this girl anymore and again I tried hard to keep things going ok and/or make them better.

At the same time a new girl (same age) started working with me and over the next few months I started to develop strong feelings for this girl. I DID NOT CHEAT AT ANY POINT. This kinda put my relationship into perspective and I realised that no matter what I had to get out of it.

At the same time this girl from work had been going out with a guy for 6 years and had just bought a house with him. Altho, she had similar feelings to me. Didn;t want to be in her relationship and as I found out later she had developed strong feelings for me.

At the end of November, she broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of the house (this issue is still being sorted). A week later after a fairly big row I used the opportunity to break up with my girlfriend. I'm fairly sure it devestated her and I tried to keep a close eye (thru friends) on her to make sure she was doing ok. Thankfully, it wud appear that she is getting on with her life and is having fun. Altho, things wit us got a bit nasty in the end and at the mo we don;t talk. Which I really didnt want but will accept if it makes things easier.

A month ago, I started going out with the girl from work a lot and we get on so so well. I'm really happy, as is she and we are I suppose kinda officially seeing each other now.

I am happy to let whatever happens happen. Really in my mind my previous relationship was probably dead a year ago altho I did try to make things work as much as I could.

I'm just worried that I mite be getting into something too soon or if I should just let things fall into place and go with the flow. Particularly I suppose is that I don't know what will happen and as I've said I'm really getting strong feelings for this girl and i don't know if its too soon for her.

Should I genuienly worry or just go with it ??

thanks

fair juice to u for keeping it going that long!!! if u feel u need to slow it down then do so. the other girl will understand. go out whatever pace is comfortable and happy for you

New Relationship

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