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At a loss.....Totally Confused!

  • 26-11-2014 10:55am
    #1
    Pink Punch
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    Hey there so here goes.
    I recently met up with an ex of mine. We were in a relationship for 5 years and split up a few months ago.
    There had been no contact at all during this time until recently when I started receiving msgs which I ignored to an extent, but curiosity etc I ended up replying and we met up.
    We had a great time together went out dancing and laughed a lot. He was telling me how he felt about me and that I had his heart and he can’t move on etc. I was extremely confused about this and I was thinking about it a lot.
    Then we agreed to meet again and we ended up talking about things and how to move forward. He has said that he was dating other people (which as we were not together I don’t have any issue with) but he said he is still in contact with them (his words).
    This also confused me. He said that he would like to start seeing me again and see if we have the connection that we used to have and see if we can work through our problems together. Im uncomfortable with seeing someone who is seeing other people and I have expressed this. The response was that we should see how things go between us and that he will “handle” the rest.
    Not sure what this means.
    Has anybody been in this type of situation before?


Comments

  • #2
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    I can kind of see where he's coming from.

    Usually an ex is an ex for a reason and that's why I'm a firm believer (after many mistakes :o) of not getting back together unless the issues that led to your initial break up are addressed and changes have been made. I obviously don't know the reasons for your break up and don't need to either but i wonder have these been addressed? Maybe that's where the uncertainty is coming from for him?
    If it was more an amicable break up in the first place then maybe its a case of him wanting to see if you still suit each other after such a significant time apart. People change and stuff and after the initial excitement of getting back together it may not work out for just differences in personalities or whatever. So maybe he doesn't want to make a commitment until he knows for sure.

    But having said all that if he does really want you and only you then I wouldn't think it'd be too much to ask to focus on just his relationship with you in order to figure these things out so i understand why you feel the way you do.
    The only way you're going to know what he intends to do is by asking him though. I'd strongly advise being honest from the get go though. Its second time round, you know each other and there's no need for awkwardness or beating around the bush at this stage and it'll only work if ye both know where ye stand.
    Hope it works out for you guys :)


  • #3
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You need to ask him out straight. There is no point taking it anywhere otherwise as it would be a bad start.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It sounds to me like you're a fallback, a safe option. Dating life after you didn't go as well as he'd hoped, so it's an attempt to sort of seem to have another go, it's easier to know how to push an ex's buttons than find somone new after all. Telling you he's seeing other people says he's just chancing his arm though, not really being honestly committed to the idea. From his point of view, it means he can string you along and have his freedom to see other people while he keeps you dangling. If you decide not to bite, he can let himself off the hook, acting like he tried but you wouldn't have it, then head bcak to his other irons in the fire.

    If he really meant what he said, those other people wouldn't figure, wouldn't be on the radar at all, he'd be committed to really trying and creating a situation where you can honestly do that together, just the two of you. You had 5 years, you either know you're good together at this stage or not.

    Personally, I wouldn't bother with someone who would try to set that situation up like that. You're either free to start something and mean it, or you're a messer.


  • #5
    ThatFatGal
    Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭ThatFatGal


    Before you do anything, think about why you broke up in the first place.


  • #6
    Pink Punch
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Pink Punch


    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply so far :) It really helps to get it out there instead of bottling it up!

    I know that an ex is an ex for a reason and we had our share of problems but since meeting up its obvious to us both that there is something still there between us. He wants to explore this more and see where it leads to. I would be ok with this but I don't want to rush into things and would like to take it slowly. He seems to be on par with this but its just the contact with other people that seems to be screaming something to me that I cant put my finger on basically. I am trying to be as fair as I can be and while I don't hold anything against him for seeing other people when we were broken up (even though we are not back together now but discussions seem to be going that way) I just feel its unfair to me. If he really wants to see if we can patch things up and be happy again I wouldn't have thought it was too much to ask that at least he focus on that for the time being and then make a decision. His response of "I'll handle it once he sees how things progress with us" im not sure what to make of this. I would read into it that he wants me to be ok with the fact that he is in contact with others and just adding me to the pile.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Pink Punch wrote: »
    He seems to be on par with this but its just the contact with other people that seems to be screaming something to me that I cant put my finger on basically.

    What else would you need to put your finger on other than this obvious conclusion...
    Pink Punch wrote: »
    I would read into it that he wants me to be ok with the fact that he is in contact with others and just adding me to the pile.

    ....which you have had pointed out to you and just haven't yet accepted the truth of? If he was sincere, he'd be making sure it worked, not making sure he had options.


  • #8
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    That's what he means all right. He wants to casually date you, which means non-exclusivity (also dating/sleeping with other people) until a time, if it comes, that you two decide to make it exclusive, or alternatively, go your separate ways.


  • #9
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Pink Punch wrote: »
    His response of "I'll handle it once he sees how things progress with us" im not sure what to make of this. I would read into it that he wants me to be ok with the fact that he is in contact with others and just adding me to the pile.
    That's exactly what he means. He wants to add you to the list of casual sexual partners. To be frank if you have an ounce of self respect tell him to take a hike.


  • #10
    Pink Punch
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Pink Punch


    I figured as much tbh. I hoped that someone may have been in a similar situation before and help me get a handle on things.
    Thanks for the replies its much appreciated :)


  • #11
    CollyFlower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,109 ✭✭✭CollyFlower


    Pink Punch wrote: »
    Hey there so here goes.
    I recently met up with an ex of mine. We were in a relationship for 5 years and split up a few months ago.
    There had been no contact at all during this time until recently when I started receiving msgs which I ignored to an extent, but curiosity etc I ended up replying and we met up.
    We had a great time together went out dancing and laughed a lot. He was telling me how he felt about me and that I had his heart and he can’t move on etc. I was extremely confused about this and I was thinking about it a lot.
    Then we agreed to meet again and we ended up talking about things and how to move forward. He has said that he was dating other people (which as we were not together I don’t have any issue with) but he said he is still in contact with them (his words).
    This also confused me. He said that he would like to start seeing me again and see if we have the connection that we used to have and see if we can work through our problems together. Im uncomfortable with seeing someone who is seeing other people and I have expressed this. The response was that we should see how things go between us and that he will “handle” the rest.
    Not sure what this means.
    Has anybody been in this type of situation before?

    If you want to be with him (excusvucly)
    let him know that, ask him if he wants an "open" relationship, (seems he does) then next time he wants to meet up with you tell him "no" you have a date.


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