Partners excessive phone/internet use

LegacyUser · 19-11-2014 3:31pm #1

Hey folks

The reason I am posting here is because of a recent problem I am having with my partner of 18 months. To remain anonymous, I have not used him or her in my thread below.

We moved in together after 9 months, not my idea, but I was happy to do this. Basically my issue is this, when we spend whatever few evenings we have together, they are always on their phone or iPad. I brought this topic up recently and they just said that they like to have their "me" time. I agree with this and think its of course healthy for couples to do their own things as individuals. However, it seems their phone use seems a bit excessive to the point that I am beginning to hold resentment towards them.

We had a heart to heart recently where my partner told me that they want me to give a bit more in the relationship, to help more around the house, to initiate things a bit more. My partner feels like they are doing all the giving and I am just taking. I talked with them about being constantly on their iPad/phone. We both compromised and acknowledged each others feelings. I have put more of an effort in to chores around the house etc, but I don't see any change on their part. Only last night did they came home from work, got a shower and began to play games on their phone and look at Facebook. I went to bed around midnight and my partner told me they would follow me down in a bit. They came to bed at 3 am.

Before anyone comments, I did consider that they might be chatting to a member of the opposite sex but I don't believe that to be true.

Am I in the wrong or going over the top? How do I approach this? Are they addicted to their phone?

I don't believe I am being the slightest controlling, we are meant to be in a relationship together, and now and again I would like some attention.

I would be grateful for your input

tinz18 · 19-11-2014 5:01pm

Hi OP,
Tbh I feel like it could be me writing this post. My OH has the same tendency whether it be his phone, his mac or his video games - its his way of unwinding after work. It caused a lot of ructions in the house when we moved in together when I wasn't used to it and sometimes it still does. You mention "it wasn't my idea", does that mean you're regretting the move?

We worked out a compromise where we pick certain nights a week that we watch our favorite shows together, go out to the cinema and a meal. Date night helps bring back the romance and although it doesn't always work out (when work calls and the phone is whipped out in the middle of the date) I would say it helped the relationship as attention is solely on us for the night (usually). It was something a friend recommended when she heard we were moving in together and I now see exactly why its important.

As for the 3 am in the morning- I can be as guilty of that myself- its a case of "only a little while longer" and suddenly time has been forgotten (even while surfing boards). However it became a regular occurrence with himself playing games to the point I was losing out on sleep - he came to bed consistently at 3am/4am/5am and I had to work at 9am the next morning. I laid out a compromise where he could play til 12am/1am on weeknights and to his hearts content at the weekend but he could sleep in the spare room if he passed the cut-off times so that I wouldn't suffer from his night-owl behavior. Strangely enough the late nights reduced, as he preferred to come to bed and play on his phone beside me rather than sleep alone. Don't know if this would be an option for you but it seems to be working for me!

It all depends on personality- my fella understands that my version of chilling out differs and although he calls me a crazy woman sometimes he doesn't see it as me being controlling.

ash23 · 20-11-2014 2:13pm

Had similar with my boyfriend and introduced a phone ban during meals and also we go to bed at the same time, chat and spend time together but I'm an early bird and he's not so when I want to sleep I pop in the earplugs and sometimes an eyemask depending on what he is using and roll over and he watches programmes on the tablet or browses on his phone etc. until he's ready to go to sleep which could be three or four am.
I don't mind once we spend some time together.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2014 3:13pm

Hey thanks for yer input, I can see your point that some people are just night owls really and want to stay up late to do their thing.

My partner does a lot of shift work so I think I need to take that into consideration.

But yeah, sometimes their constantly on the phone/laptop is taking personally by me, when really they are just doing their thing which they are entitled to do.

Your question about moving in, we both made the decision and I do not regret it, we both get enough space from eachother and enough time together. I was a tad bit hesitant when it was first mentioned but after thinking about it for a while I made the big plunge

tinz18 · 20-11-2014 4:16pm

I think it's case of meeting halfway. Shift-work can really screw with sleeping patterns but he/she can't expect you to lose out on sleep by being disturbed when they come to bed in the middle of the night. I really like Ash23's suggestions for dealing with it with the no phones rule at meals- maybe you could take it a step further and have one evening a week of no phone or laptop? Have something different planned out for the weekend that doesn't involve technology- my fella had the bright idea of going on a horse-trek, he had never been on a horse but he had great craic.

LegacyUser · 27-11-2014 10:34am

Hey folks,

Thanks for all your comments.

We had a chat last night as there seems to be no let up....what they said is that they feel that I am curtailing their use of the phone/laptop, which is definitely not the case. I am of the belief that both people in a relationship should have time to themselves. But of late, it just seems like they want to grab the tablet, put the earphones in, and they consider this time together. Am I wrong to be bothered?

Only last week did they tell me that they see their future with me, and that they know that i'm the one. Had the baby talk etc.

I am going from believing they really want to be with me, to thinking they just want somebody, anybody, be it me or any other member of the opposite sex. Its really bothering me.

Its wearing me down to the point that I am over thinking things. Never felt this insecure in a relationship before.

ash23 · 27-11-2014 3:35pm

Do ye spend any quality time together at all? Date night? Watching movies? Eating meals?

A better breakdown of what kind of time s/he spends on the phone or laptop would give a better idea of whether it's reasonable or excessive.

In the last week, what kind of time have ye spend together minus phones and laptops. Just chatting or relaxing. What kind of things have ye done as a couple? Shopping, cooking, date night?

LegacyUser · 27-11-2014 3:52pm

We went shopping on Monday. Besides that we didn't do a whole lot.

Tuesday, we were a bit odd with one another so nothing. I had a bit of work to do, but when I came into the sitting room, they were watching something on the laptop, so I decided to do my own thing in a different room. What was brought up last night was that I should have sat down with my partner, and they would have put the laptop away. This doesnt normally happen though! We managed to sit down last night and have a chat. I normally have other hobbies, mainly sport but due to an injury im unable to play at the moment. Maybe im frustrated at that also.

We go to bed, the phone comes out to play a game. Just not used to this in a relationship. I think I need to deal with it and become comfortable with the idea or else maybe they are using the devices a bit too much

CaraMay · 27-11-2014 5:34pm

I have to say you are being a bit high maintenance. It's not like they are gone off out every night with their friends. Organise more nights out if that's what you want.

Tiddlypeeps · 27-11-2014 5:38pm

ConfusedandRejected wrote: »

Hey folks,

Thanks for all your comments.

We had a chat last night as there seems to be no let up....what they said is that they feel that I am curtailing their use of the phone/laptop, which is definitely not the case. I am of the belief that both people in a relationship should have time to themselves. But of late, it just seems like they want to grab the tablet, put the earphones in, and they consider this time together. Am I wrong to be bothered?

Only last week did they tell me that they see their future with me, and that they know that i'm the one. Had the baby talk etc.

I am going from believing they really want to be with me, to thinking they just want somebody, anybody, be it me or any other member of the opposite sex. Its really bothering me.

Its wearing me down to the point that I am over thinking things. Never felt this insecure in a relationship before.

You first need to decide how big of a deal this is to you, from the sounds of things it's a pretty big deal. Is this something you could live with if it went on indefinitely or will it become a deal breaker if it carries on. From the sounds of it you feel unloved in your relationship, for most people this would be a deal breaker.

You need to sit them down and be clear to them that time spent in the same room while they play with their phone/tablet is not quality time together. They might consider it quality time, but you (and most other people) do not. If this is something that will become a deal breaker down the road you need to tell them that. They may not realise the gravity of it and realising how important quality time together is to you in a relationship may make them try harder.

If they are still unwilling to put more effort in then you may have to face the reality that the relationship might not have a future. You may just have incompatible needs from a relationship.

Edit: Posted the above before seeing the most recent update.

What is it you want OP, specifically? Saying more quality time together is all well and good without having any suggestions on what that should entail. Why didn't you sit and watch the movie with your partner in the sitting room? It doesn't sound like you are doing much yourself to remedy the situation other than complaining about it. Sorry if I have picked up on that wrong.

power pants · 27-11-2014 5:59pm

whilst you were in the other room doing your own thing, your boyfriend was in the sitting room on his tablet. How was he to know you had finished and was coming into the room? Was he to immediately drop the tablet and give you his all attention?

It sounds more like you resent him being on the tablet at all.

tinz18 · 27-11-2014 6:25pm

OP was this a problem before you moved in together or are you only noticing this now? I agree with other posters that you can't expect him to drop everything when you decide that you will spend time with him...he could be in the middle of a show or game without savepoint. You need to define what your version of quality time is...be it going out to dinner/for a few drinks together/a walk/a weekend together. Sometimes moving in together can cause both sides to lose sight of what time is actually spent together vs doing something else in the others company.

LegacyUser · 27-11-2014 9:09pm

Thanks again for the replies.

To be honest, I have been a little sensitive of late, due to issues with my ex etc. Yes I believe my partner was like this before I moved in, Im just noticing it a bit more now. I completely agree that my partner is allowed time to themselves, same applies to me. Its a new area I have moved to and I dont know to many people. They grew up here and know the whole community. I am making a conscious effort to change things around, by joining new clubs etc here. Just takes time I guess.

Quality time to me is like another poster said, 1 evening a week where its just the 2 of us, engaging with one another and having a bit of fun. That is rare these days, a lot comes down to the shift work my partner does...and their child who lives with us.

I take everything on board. I certainly am not trying to control them, that I am clear of. Maybe I need to be a bit more proactive and start arranging these dates myself.

Caramay I dont believe I am high maintenance lol, fair enough based on what you have read it may seem that way, but I am an independant person, studied my way through college and I have pretty decent job.

CaraMay · 28-11-2014 6:58am

Look it was your own choice to move yo his area and you knew he worked shift work, had a child and grew up in the area. It was never going to be easy. It sounds like he has a busy life and this is how he relaxes. I find it hard to believe you didn't really notice this before. You should have looked over all the angles before moving in with him especially as there is a child involved. Arrange a couple if nights to yourselves per week and after that each to their own

ash23 · 28-11-2014 10:06am

It's still possible to make time together even with shift work and kids. It just takes effort.
Agree an activity you both enjoy or one you can enjoy with the child. Movie night in our house is always a good night and all of us enjoy it.
Find some common ground and make an event of it even if it is just in the home. Making a meal or getting a take away. Board games night or playing a game on the computer.
There's loads of things that can be done, including the child.
Then as a couple have a date night every other week.
Sounds like neither of you are making any effort and you kind of expect your partner to make the most effort because you gave up the most when you agreed to move in.

strobe · 28-11-2014 11:31am

I dont think you're being high maintenence. it's not much to ask that when you're spending time with someone they don't have their face constantly stuck in a screen. I think it's rude as **** and extremely inconsiderate and self centred tbh.

I suppose just sit them down again and try to convey it to them. Maybe ask them to put themselves in your shoes. Explain what you've said about the fact you're finding it a little difficult with the move and everything and try to come to some kind of compromise. Maybe suggest certain nights where you switch the phones and laptops off and be a couple.

Koptain Liverpool · 29-11-2014 11:33am

A lot of couples devlelop their own routines but your girlfriend sounds like she has a problem with the internet. Is it the same at weekends or do you actually do things then?

Don't listen to any of the replies saying you're high maintenance. There is too much tolerance for being glued to laptops and phones nowadays. To be honest if my girlfriend insisted on that I'd be liable to head to the pub every evening :P

The other possibility is that there's something wrong with the relationship. You say that she's said she's commited and all's fine. When you describe your weekday nights together one thing stands out though - when do you fit in time for sex??

Partners excessive phone/internet use

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