Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

How to tackle this..

  • 26-11-2014 3:15pm
    #1
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭


    May be a whirlwind read.. Not sure what to do.

    About me: 29, living in Dublin. Self employed.

    About gf: 27, Italian but living in Ireland since she was 21. Just finished her masters and temporarily working for me.

    We've been together since 2009 and despite some personal difficulties on my side it's been great. She's my best friend and I love her dearly.

    We're lucky enough to be in a position where I started a business 5 years ago and it's gone really well so far. I've been able to provide for us both, fund her through college, nice place to live, regular trips home etc. Which I was more than happy to do.

    We had always agreed that we'd look to move elsewhere in Europe when she finished her studies if we could afford it. My job allows me to based outside of Ireland and she speaks numerous languages so it would be ideal.

    However, since she finished masters she doesn't seem interested in finding her own job. She seems to be happy to work with me (which was never my idea - our qualifications are different and living in each other's pockets is not for me) and quite frankly spend a huge amount of money. It's not yet at a point where I'm in trouble but if it was to get worse it soon could be.

    She comes from a great family but a modest upbringing like me. I am getting card bills sometimes equating to thousands spent in single month. It's not so much the money that upsets me as it is her attitude to spending it.

    When we got together I had nothing so I know it's not why she's with me but I hope I haven't provided her with too much that she no longer sees any value in my hard work.

    I suspect it's borderline addiction at this point but I'm unsure how to tackle it with her.

    She has been great for me and I was glad that at a young age that we had a comfortable life together. I know many would be glad to be in this predicament but I'm sick of killing myself working for her to go and waste it all on stuff that benefits neither of us for longer than 5 mins.

    I know I'm a bit of a soft touch but feel like I'm being taken for a fool.

    I'd rather we both worked less, had less and had a happy life together. Be it in Ireland or elsewhere.

    Anybody have any experience of this? A spendaholic partner?

    Obviously I have restricted what she has access to but she's doing it with her own money also.


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Barely There
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,481 ✭✭✭Barely There


    Tell her that you need to discuss her spending.
    Have the credit card receipts printed out.
    Try to do it in a non-confrontational way, but explain firmly that her spending is not sustainable and has to change.

    Spending thousands per month sounds ridiculous.


  • #3
    ThatFatGal
    Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭ThatFatGal


    Suga daddy - sounds familiar?

    Honestly, ask yourself, why would she need to get a proper job, pay her bills and watch her every penny while also setting aside some savings for the future if she gets everything from you with no hassle and can go on a spending spree mounting to a couple thousand euros every month?

    I can see that you obviously love her and it is nice of you that you have supported her financially over so many years (which is astounding by the way - you paid her through college and pay for her flights home?!)

    But you've created one big spoiled girl who thinks it's OK to continue mooching off your business and your pocket when she's got her masters degree! Well, obviously if you don't mind paying for all that, that's ok and it's not for me to judge but you're probably here because it's not ok.

    When was the first time that you've noticed the credit card bill going out of control like that?

    What was her plan after getting her masters' degree? Does she actually want to get a proper job or is her passion in your business?

    If you were happy to pay for her education and lifestyle all these years, which I'm sure have mounted to more than a few thousands a year, why has it suddenly become an issue for you?

    Maybe it's time for you to have that serious talk and ask her what her/your plans are and move onto the future that's more sustainable for both of you.


  • #4
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    You're right. A lot of It is designer clothing I believe. Exactly the kind of stuff I think is for pretensious tossers if I'm honest. September I got an unexpected 2.3k cc Bill! Wasn't a once off either.

    She wasn't always like this. She was very careful with our money previously but that's changed in the last year. Anyway, I'll sit down with her again and discuss the work situation and her spending.

    Thank you.


  • #5
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    Sounds like she's never grown up. You've been together since she was 22 and you've been providing for her.

    Does she pay rent, bills, contribute to holidays, general expenses?

    Why does she even have access to your personal credit card?

    You need to discuss this and outline your concerns. Where do you see your future going with her? Is she waiting for marriage and a baby and for you to provide long-term?


  • #6
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    @thatfatgal - thank you. Reading that makes so much sense. I had never considered what it would end like. She had little to no income over that time and not trying to sound like Bill Cullen but my income skyrocketed pretty quickly so I was happy to help her and wanted nothing in return. This behaviour would have made me run a mile but it only surfaced recently!

    In fairness to her, she helped me a great deal too. She has a strong work ethic and did everything for me while I was working re: domestic stuff, dealing with landlords, letting agents, banks etc.

    I was hoping it was some emotional stress or something short term that triggered this but perhaps it was my naivety.

    A lot to consider.


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    I'm guessing she finished her Masters this summer?

    Now's the time to bring up the conversation about living aboard. What kind of work will she do there? While she might be able to work for you full-time it's probably not healthy to be together so much.

    If you're going to move aboard you'll both need to save so this opens the conversation into your finances and how much each of you can afford to put away each month.

    TBH OP, for somewhere nice to live, college fees paid, trips home, nice holidays and access to a credit card I'd be willing to wash your clothes, cook your dinners and organize landlord issues.


  • #8
    ThatFatGal
    Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭ThatFatGal


    I might be wrong so feel free to correct me.

    I think you have a good head on you and fair play to you for building yourself a nice business - it is a great achievement.

    But I do find it weird that she was happy to receive so much from you and never offered to pay back or anything like that. I'd find that a bit odd about anyone.

    Obviously you were being generous and loving towards her but it is just odd that she will go on a shopping spree like that after having received so much already for her education and going home etc. Any independent well-educated woman will find that a bit weird and also infuriating.

    I really hope your relationship works and maybe she just got into the habit of financially relying on you because it's been so for so many years.

    My ex's uncle is married to a lady who loves to spend beyond her means. He's in his early 70's now and worked as a successful property developer. He is still working and is on depression medication. When the Celtic tiger ended, his business got into trouble but his wife was still spending thousands on designer clothes and cars - she updated her Mercedes every year or two. He was in serious debt when I last saw him and was still working away in his 70's.

    An acquaintance of mine (in his mid 40's now) works as an auto dealer and he made his fortunes during the boom. He was with his Polish gf for around 6 years whom he took to all his overseas holidays & business trips (all paid for) and lived with him in his fancy Rathfarnham house. When his business went belly up a few years ago, she disappeared immediately. She's now with another successful businessman. Oh by the way, she only works part time at a makeup shop. God only knows how she's paying for all her designer clothes.

    I'm not trying to sound condescending but I think you should peel your eyes and think about what kind of life partner you want.

    By all means I wish you best of luck.


  • #9
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Meathlass - in recent times she has looked after (or supposed to have) my finances so she had access to my cards. I didn't mind her buying for herself, me or stuff for the house within reason.

    FatGal
    I know I've made her sound like a money grabber but there's a lot more to our relationship than that. She was with me for 18 months when I lived in a tiny bedsit with literally nothing and we loved each other then. It wasn't obvious I would do especially well and it was really just a lot of luck. She 100% takes an interest in it and contributed greatly imo.

    She is very well educated and worked extremely hard to get there. Most of the plans to move abroad were her idea and there was never a suggestion that she work full time for me until she completed her Masters and suggested it to me.

    Again, she didn't have have to, I would have continued to help her while she looked for something. So it's not typical of somebody just out to get me. I think she enjoys working with me (we actually don't work together as such but share the same work stress which I don't think is healthy)

    We moved to one of the nicer suburbs of Dublin a couple of years ago and I think some of the friends she's made there may have influenced her expensive tastes. I know she is an adult and makes her own decisions. Luckily, she realised the error of her ways with some of them recently.

    As I said, I'm going to talk to her later and explain the way things are going to be if we are to continue. I'll be gentle!

    Thanks a lot. been great to get this off my chest.


  • #10
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    I should also add that other than the credit card excesses our relationship has been great!


  • #11
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,159 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    Easy way to push the issue politely: Invest your money so that its not available for spending. Reduce the cc limit. And voila. thats something you can do for a good reason, with no apparent intent to be confrontational.


  • Advertisement
  • #12
    The Governor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 949 ✭✭✭The Governor


    You sound like a gent OP to be helping her out so much and I'd tend to agree she isnt just there for the money if she had no bother being with you while you had nothing but a bedsit.

    Would a simple option be to ditch the credit cards? Just say straight out the interest on them is a killer that way no large bills can be run up?


  • #13
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Yeah ditch the credit cards and don't allow her sign on any of your bank accounts unless you cosign. Nip this in the bud now as money causes most relationship breakups. She goes sound entitled tbh


  • #14
    LottieP25
    Registered Users Posts: 311 ✭✭LottieP25


    Or just tell her to get her own CC for her own stuff. She how quickly she will change her spending habits then!

    Tbh I wouldnt be comfortable with anyone funding my spending habits, I think its rude she expects you to do so if im honest.


  • #15
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    As ye can probably tell, managing money isn't my strongest point. :) Have sorted the credit limit so that issue is resolved.

    I really just want to know that she is the person that I thought and not somebody I have to keep a watch over regarding money and trust. Given that my income may grow I don't want to worry about her bankrupting us first!

    I intend to marry her when we're both in our 30's so if there's a potential problem I'd like it to be addressed now.

    I'm home tonight so we'll have a chat and get it all out in the open. Will report back! Thanks again.


  • #16
    LottieP25
    Registered Users Posts: 311 ✭✭LottieP25


    But she is clearly someone you need to look out for regarding money.

    who in gods name spends 2-3 k per month on crap, and when its not even their own money.. highly rude imo, and if she cant see that then you have a big problem IMO.


  • #17
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    LottieP25 wrote: »
    Or just tell her to get her own CC for her own stuff. She how quickly she will change her spending habits then!

    Tbh I wouldnt be comfortable with anyone funding my spending habits, I think its rude she expects you to do so if im honest.

    This is part of the reason I'm here. I gave her an enormous amount of money towards her education on the basis that it would give her and us an opportunity. She seems to have reneged on that deal. Hence my problem.

    I didn't/don't intend to fund a lavish lifestyle for the rest of my days. As I said I was naive and didn't about the consequences of handing a young girl such an amount of money. It was new to both of us!

    I hope I didn't create the type of person I really don't like. Time will tell!


  • #18
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You can't 'create' it. It's either in you to take advantage or it's not. I asse she is going to pay you back the money you invested in her?


  • #19
    LottieP25
    Registered Users Posts: 311 ✭✭LottieP25


    Hey i get it , its fun in the beginning being able to afford stuff.

    But at the end of the day , you paid for her education, something that she doesnt seem to be using in her role in your company. On top of this spending 2-3k a month on crap..

    If it was me, I would be working hard to pay back the money you gave me. Hell everything I do is always split down the middle, if someone got me dinner one night , I would buy the next etc.


    I would never assume just because my boyf earns more money than me that he is to pay for everything.

    Talk to her and see what she says, and stop giving her free run of your CC, tell her she is old and bold enough to have her own now.


  • #20
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You can't 'create' it. It's either in you to take advantage or it's not. I asse she is going to pay you back the money you invested in her?

    Yeah I know you are right. It was an unusual set of circumstances for people our age but I would never do it to somebody else. I just feel so bad that it has come to this. I know she loves me and clearly it's reciprocated. I really just want to know what I should do next. They're not the traits of somebody I want to spend my life with or worse still.. Is it possible to solve this? I don't care about the money. She genuinely helped me and made a lot of smart decisions on my behalf. She was right, I was wrong.

    LottieP25 wrote: »
    Hey i get it , its fun in the beginning being able to afford stuff.

    But at the end of the day , you paid for her education, something that she doesnt seem to be using in her role in your company. On top of this spending 2-3k a month on crap..

    If it was me, I would be working hard to pay back the money you gave me. Hell everything I do is always split down the middle, if someone got me dinner one night , I would buy the next etc.


    I would never assume just because my boyf earns more money than me that he is to pay for everything.

    Talk to her and see what she says, and stop giving her free run of your CC, tell her she is old and bold enough to have her own now.

    Thanks a lot. This has given me so much clarity.

    I honestly didn't want it returned becapuse we had so much luck together and I just wanted us both to be secure and happy together.

    The 2k is heartbreaking. Especially since she knows well I dislike those kind of people. I'm cautious of boasting or sounding like a born again saint but the money itself is manageable it's just the thoughtfulness that isn't.

    F***.


  • #21
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    ahmeeehead wrote: »
    Mod Note: Please be mindful of users of the touch site and stop quoting entire posts. It is unnecessary and just clogs up the thread with duplicate text.

    Reading your post my jaw dropped.
    You are a soft touch and you are being taken for a fool. Sorry to be blunt. Why is she spending any of your money at all?

    If she has an issue then you are not helping.

    It sounds as if she sees you as her sugar daddy. You need to sit down and tell her than although you love her you must separate your finances from here on in.

    I can't believe you have let this go as far as you have. Why are YOU getting her credit card bills? I don't understand that. Why did her boyfriend pay for her education?

    This isn't even just you paying for things when you guys go out like dinner etc. She is spending on your credit cards???

    Jaw Drop. Literally JAW DROP.

    That girl has no shame and no pride.

    The other thing is she has no sense of self. She works with you.


    Cut up the credit card that she uses get a new one for yourself and don't let her use it. Don't have a joint account.

    Who spends 2k a month on rubbish when it's not their money???

    I do think you need to confront it head on. I think you yourself are in denial.

    I have gone out with guys who lived in bedsits I never would have thought that meant if they made a lot of money eventually I could spend it as if it were mine.

    The problem is she is used to it now. You never ever should have let her control your finances. You are not even married. If she was your wife and she was spending your money like that my jaw would still hit the floor!


  • Advertisement
  • #22
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    LKL - I totally misread your pm back to me. Sincere apologies and thanks for the well intentioned reply.

    100% correct. Thank you.

    Sorry mods.


  • #23
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    I was possibly curt in my reply to your pm to me.

    But I reiterate. Be careful of what you reveal on the net to people about yourself. There are hundreds of stories of men being led on or scammed and you would seem like a genuinely soft touch. There would be not many but definitely a few people out there who would use you. Don't be paranoid but do be aware.

    And put a stop to the GF using your money. She might not be with you only for your money as you say you met before you made your business but she is using it and it's gotten out of hand.

    By the way just to confirm it was the OP who sent me a message not the other way around. I replied and ended the discourse quickly. Just to be clear.


  • #24
    Hooked
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,817 ✭✭✭Hooked


    I'm sorry OP. I don't normally reply to threads like this... And I'm not one to be harsh, usually. I find it hard for you to say you're not great with finances. You've a successful business in today's environmrent. Stop making excuses. Please!!!

    You're being absolutely disrespected here. She is spending YOUR money. She has no respect for you OR your hard earned cash. You're 'enabling' her, as they say. You sound like a love struck teenager, afraid to lose his 'fabulous' girlfriend that he spends all his money on. Fabulous how?

    Stop with the softly softly replies about sitting her down and discussing it nicely. FFS it's your money. Cut the cards and cut her off.

    She's an adult. Educated and in employment. Have her stand on her own two feet. If they're not too sore from walking all over you.

    I don't even know you but I feel so bloody sorry for you. That's insane spending. She certainly wouldn't spend it if it wasn't yours.

    And I couldn't be attracted to someone like that. No matter how good looking they were. Where's her decency? Her morals? Jesus wept!


  • #25
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    ahmeeehead wrote: »
    LKL - I totally misread your pm back to me. Sincere apologies and thanks for the well intentioned reply.

    100% correct. Thank you.

    Sorry mods.

    OP,

    please note that as per the forum charter, engaging in PM exchanges with other posters in PI regarding your issue here is forbidden. Please don't do so in future, as next time will bring an infraction or ban.


  • #26
    FactCheck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 397 ✭✭FactCheck


    ahmeeehead wrote: »
    She genuinely helped me and made a lot of smart decisions on my behalf. She was right, I was wrong.

    When you write this, do you mean she gave you business advice, or helped you with the company? Or was this just personal stuff?

    Because if she's been advising and helping and hardworking (at helping you, pulling her weight at home, and working on the masters), she may feel like you two are a team, she has a stake in the business, and money is communal.

    Self employment can be addictive (I'm talking from experience, here!). Having tasted being successful and making all her own decisions, maybe she doesn't have the passion for the field her master's was in? Everybody seems to be leaping to the conclusion she's tremendously lazy, but you keep saying she isn't and never has been. Could she genuinely simply prefer working in the business? Or feel like she owes the business something, given that it funded her education?

    Or have you had blinkers on this whole time and she's just lazy and greedy?

    It's hard to talk about the credit card bill without knowing how much you earn. Everybody is having a conniption at a bill of 2.3k, but I'll be honest, and like you I don't want to sound like an asshole, but for context - I'm a high earner, that's totally normal spending for me or my husband. We have healthy income, healthy savings - if there's something we want, we buy it. Family income is totally shared for us (we have been together since we were teenagers with nothing, and we are now married with children and two big careers). There've been times we both supported the other. I would never dream of telling him his personal spending was frivolous, or resenting it - he works hard for it, our financial position is secure, he ought to have it. BUT if I felt we were spending beyond our means and could no longer afford totally discretionary spending, I'd just have a chat, open up the online banking, and suggest a budget I was more comfortable with and see what he thought.

    It's hard to know what to advise honestly, without knowing either of you. Everybody seems to think she's an awful person and you should just dump her. But you keep saying she works hard and you really love her.


  • #27
    Vala
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭Vala


    Often spending like this is a way of filling a hole in your life. You sound in love and don't want to upset your partner. Imo you both have drifted apart and need sometime together to reconnect.

    Can you arrange a few days to inspire each other again? I don't see this situation as being about money.

    Money is not important but people are. Find out if you're both as happy as you seem and take it from there :-)


  • #28
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Thanks folks. Re: pm I just wanted to thank the poster but mistakenly disclosed something I shouldn't have. Lesson learned. Won't happen again.

    I won't be meeting any strangers from the internet either. :)
    FactCheck wrote: »
    When you write this, do you mean she gave you business advice, or helped you with the company? Or was this just personal stuff?

    Because if she's been advising and helping and hardworking (at helping you, pulling her weight at home, and working on the masters), she may feel like you two are a team, she has a stake in the business, and money is communal.

    Self employment can be addictive (I'm talking from experience, here!). Having tasted being successful and making all her own decisions, maybe she doesn't have the passion for the field her master's was in? Everybody seems to be leaping to the conclusion she's tremendously lazy, but you keep saying she isn't and never has been. Could she genuinely simply prefer working in the business? Or feel like she owes the business something, given that it funded her education?

    Or have you had blinkers on this whole time and she's just lazy and greedy?

    It's hard to talk about the credit card bill without knowing how much you earn. Everybody is having a conniption at a bill of 2.3k, but I'll be honest, and like you I don't want to sound like an asshole, but for context - I'm a high earner, that's totally normal spending for me or my husband. We have healthy income, healthy savings - if there's something we want, we buy it. Family income is totally shared for us (we have been together since we were teenagers with nothing, and we are now married with children and two big careers). There've been times we both supported the other. I would never dream of telling him his personal spending was frivolous, or resenting it - he works hard for it, our financial position is secure, he ought to have it. BUT if I felt we were spending beyond our means and could no longer afford totally discretionary spending, I'd just have a chat, open up the online banking, and suggest a budget I was more comfortable with and see what he thought.

    It's hard to know what to advise honestly, without knowing either of you. Everybody seems to think she's an awful person and you should just dump her. But you keep saying she works hard and you really love her.

    This sums up a lot of it. Money was communal from my point of view but there's a limit to that. While I'm currently the sole owner of the company, I feel she helped me hugely, personally and professionally. However, at the end of the day I have been more generous to her than anybody is likely to be again. I didn't want to disclose numbers here but it's also a significant amount. More than most would imagine.

    If we were financially secure for life it would be different but we're young and not by a long stretch. We didn't get this far to throw it all away.

    We discussed it, I told her how I felt and she was really apologetic and agreed with me. She wants to continue to work with me for the moment as she genuinely enjoys it. I know this is true. I think she's reluctant to go alone but I've told her I think she'd benefit from that even if it was only a few years. I will encourage her to do this in the new year.

    She also explained that she has been quite lonely recently and a little short on company. I'm not at home as often as I'd like.

    We're going to Italy for a week in early December so will be time together.

    We agreed that I'd continue to pay her as an employee - I'm going to pay myself the same. She has cards with a reasonable limit and we'll make plans after Christmas about staying or moving abroad.

    I'll probably get a bashing for this but work away!

    Re: being a lovestruck teenager! That made me laugh. Perhaps there's a bit of that. It's not impossible for me to meet someone else and I'm aware of that.

    Thanks for the comments, generous and harsh all were helpful.


  • #29
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    Sounds like you handled it well OP and you've a good relationship. Seems she loves working in your company and is probably genuinely invested in it. It can be scary going out on your own into your own profession, particularly if cocooned by academia for the last number of years. Easier to stay where she is but you're right in that it's essential that she gets out on her own for a few years. If both of you see her coming back to work in the company long term that external experience is essential.

    Her actions over the shopping season coming up will speak clearly. One thing that worried in your earlier post was that she treats her own money as casually as yours. Now I'm not advocating that you tell her what to do with her own wages but I'd be worried if she wasn't setting something aside for savings/pensions/mortgage etc.


  • #30
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Meathlass wrote: »
    Sounds like you handled it well OP and you've a good relationship. Seems she loves working in your company and is probably genuinely invested in it. It can be scary going out on your own into your own profession, particularly if cocooned by academia for the last number of years. Easier to stay where she is but you're right in that it's essential that she gets out on her own for a few years. If both of you see her coming back to work in the company long term that external experience is essential.

    Her actions over the shopping season coming up will speak clearly. One thing that worried in your earlier post was that she treats her own money as casually as yours. Now I'm not advocating that you tell her what to do with her own wages but I'd be worried if she wasn't setting something aside for savings/pensions/mortgage etc.

    Exactly. This was my main concern too and why I posted. I let the first couple of lavish spending sprees go as they were a once off. When I got the 2.3K (this is on stuff for her - on top of what we normally spend) I cut the card limit dramatically and spoke to her about it.

    We reverted to the above arrangement but she was still spending her own money in similar fashion.

    Our incomes going forward will be relatively modest and identical until we are in a position where we are more comfortable and it's working.

    We will share everything from bills to rents etc. This is fair to me and hopefully will teach us both some valuable lessons.

    I believe she has been sheltered too much and making her own way in the world seems daunting but I will make sure she does, for both our sakes.

    Cheers.


  • Advertisement
  • #31
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    ahmeeehead wrote: »
    We will share everything from bills to rents etc. This is fair to me and hopefully will teach us both some valuable lessons.

    I believe she has been sheltered too much and making her own way in the world seems daunting but I will make sure she does, for both our sakes.

    Make sure you split everything - rent, bills, groceries, nights out etc. If she doesn't have money at the end of the week for a take away then you don't get one.

    She probably feels that you and the company will be taking care of a house, pensions and living expenses into the future so there's no need to put aside her own money.

    I know she's from a different culture but every woman should have her 'hen' money as my granny likes to say!


  • #32
    power pants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    To me it seems that she hasn't had any experience in the working world with regards to salaries, hours etc apart from with your business.

    As you have mentioned a few times you started off with nothing when with her then did very well for yourself and the money started rolling in.

    Im not for one moment condoning or saying what she is doing is acceptable but maybe she sees the money coming in now as a given, that its so much more than you are both used to, its there to be spent as she has never budgeted properly? The money spent this month will be replaced next month.

    Personally id never have allowed it to get this far but now you have addressed it with herself and explained, hopefully you will see a turnaround in the spending.


  • #33
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Absolutely everything straight down the middle. Not up for discussion anymore.

    She knows we've been very fortunate and nothing is guaranteed going forward.

    I'll keep an eye on here if anybody else comments. Otherwise I won't clutter up the Boards machine any longer.

    Thanks again for all the advice. Has helped more than you'll know.


  • #34
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    The problem as I see it is that she's apparently never had to look after money. You paid for her to go to college, you paid for somewhere nice to live, you paid for her trips home. Stop paying for her. You pay her a wage, let her pay her half of the bills and rent/mortgage and let her pay for her own trips home.


  • #35
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    Any thoughts on what will happen when you are married? When that happens 50% of everything you earn will be hers. Will she be happy to cut her spending or will she ignore you and spend anyway? For me that would be a huge issue and looking at how she spend your money without a care in the world would be a massive red flag for me.


  • #36
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    Any thoughts on what will happen when you are married? When that happens 50% of everything you earn will be hers. Will she be happy to cut her spending or will she ignore you and spend anyway? For me that would be a huge issue and looking at how she spend your money without a care in the world would be a massive red flag for me.


    I have been thinking a lot about it since. I will be VERY careful before anything like that is to happen. It's going to be a few years down the line anyway so we'll see how it goes from here.

    I probably didn't do a good job of selling her positive attributes here but she has many and it would be over in an instant if I thought she was out to shaft me.

    Cheers.


  • Advertisement
  • #37
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    I imagine it would be over equally as quick if she comes across this thread...


  • #38
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    IHeartShoes wrote: »
    I imagine it would be over equally as quick if she comes across this thread...

    As would many relationships posted about on here. Thankfully it's not something I'm concerned about. :)


  • #39
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    Any thoughts on what will happen when you are married? When that happens 50% of everything you earn will be hers. .

    Is this true? I don't think so. It reads like automatically she has a legal right to demand 50% of your income. that' bs as far as I'm aware.
    with property and possibly other joint goods it can become the case and paying for medical issues for the spouse and other obligations but the pure salary stays fully the salary of the one who earned it, married or unmarried.


  • #40
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Sorry to rake this all up again.. Just a couple of things have happened in the last few days and my head is even more wrecked!

    Firstly I think my OH feels really embarrassed about what has happened and the conversation we had (I had been away a lot so we haven't had a lot of time together for a while). She's been really good to me and apologised coountless times, saying how she feels she's let me and herself down etc.

    Now to the headache.. She spoke to some of her family back home about the situation and it's gotten back to her father. Seemingly he's really shocked and even horrified about it all. He's a really decent and proud man and we get on famously. Extremely hard working and a great father etc.

    I talked to him at the weekend and despite the language barriers (poor English, poor Italian) he is insistent that he and my gf start a payment plan to return the money used for her education etc. He told me how grateful he was but he just couldn't accept that it was a gift and it had to bepaid back. :( I understand and admire his decency but I REALLY don't need this stress.

    He runs a small food business but I know they've had financial trouble in the past few years. There is no way I am accepting money from him.

    Worse again, I'll be seeing him on Friday..

    I don't think he'll trust me if I say my gf is paying me back.. Best I can think of is a trust fund in Italy for his future grandchildren (my gf's) that we can prove to him she is contributing to.

    Sorry I f***ing bothered now!!

    Not sure what the question is. Just a rant. Any ideas!

    Edit: Question- what should I do? :)


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, your gf is an **adult**....her elderly dad has no place in her finances or financial planning. Whatever arrangement you& your gf come up with between you, should not have any impact on her dad! That would just be crazy. Whilst it's understandable that she'd talk it out with her family, she really needs to tell them that she will be dealing with this problem- which is entirely of her own creation- herself.
    You say "I don't think he'll trust me if I say my gf is paying me back".... which also really means, he doesn't trust his own daughter to do the right thing& pay you back herself. And therein lies an even bigger red flag.
    Forget trust funds ect. Your relationship with this man should not be tarnished or comprimised by talk of money. This is your girlfriends' issue, she needs to handle it.


  • Advertisement
  • #42
    FactCheck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 397 ✭✭FactCheck


    You and your girlfriend just need to be a united front - you keep telling him he's very kind, you love him very much, but this is private between you two and you have sorted it out so you are both happy. Now I don't know him, but I would lean towards not elaborating any more than that. It isn't actually any of his business how the two of you manage your finances. I would lean towards his daughter telling him privately (in a very nice way) that he can't be getting involved between the two of you like that.

    I'm very glad that your gf seems to understand how things got out of control and is eager to get back to normal.


  • #43
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Thanks a million.

    The language barrier makes it harder to explain myself to him. That should be much easier in person.

    My OH is racked with guilt and is talking about paying me back too. I'm blue in the face saying I don't care about the money. It's why I was hesitant about having this talk to begin with. Although I know it was right in the long run.

    I feel I should just tell him how much I love his daughter and that we are and always have been a team. I'd like to marry her with his permission - a few years down the line but I don't want to jump the gun and say anything that will get me in trouble!?

    I'll thank him for the offer but politely refuse.

    At least after this I know he likes me which is no easy feat with a FIL.

    Not usually this much of an emo. Thanks!


  • #44
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    Kjh - just saw your reply. Fair point. I think this thread has thought me a lot about myself and some of my own immaturities. That has been an eye opener.. which I'm glad of.

    I think he's a bit insulted that it was me that paid for her education when he thought she funded herself. As he sees it, he should have paid had she not done so herself. When dealing with different cultures and language it can be hard knowing wtf is going on sometimes.

    I know his intentions are good so I'll politely refuse his offer and leave them to deal with it amongst themselves.

    Can hopefully enjoy my holiday then!


  • #45
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I bet she told him she funded her Own education while allowing you pay for it????? I'll bet he was sending her money too.

    Op this us a HUGE red flag. She is taking ye all for mugs and I don't know what her agenda was by rushing off to daddy. She obviously has no intention of paying you back and must have known how her father would react.

    She is clever I'll give her that!!! Are you really still thinking of marrying this girl?


  • #46
    FactCheck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 397 ✭✭FactCheck


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I she told him she funded her Own education which allowing you pay for it????? I'll bet he was sending her money too.

    Op this us a HUGE red flag. She is taking ye all for mugs

    How does inventing things that never happened help the OP? Why on earth would you suppose the father was sending her money? Surely if he had been, he wouldn't be rushing to pay OP as well?

    The gf has always worked and for all they knew her further education in Ireland could have been subsidised by the state or she won a grant or funding. Why assume she lied?

    Her finances are nothing to do with her parents. Their involvement is a complication nobody needs. OP and the gf just need to tactfully and gently tell them to butt out.


  • #47
    m'lady
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I she told him she funded her Own education which allowing you pay for it????? I'll bet he was sending her money too.

    Op this us a HUGE red flag. She is taking ye all for mugs and I don't know what her agenda was by rushing off to daddy. She obviously has no intention of paying you back and must have known how her father would react.

    She is clever I'll give her that!!! Are you really still thinking of marrying this girl?


    How on earth did you make the assumption that the gf told her Dad that she funded her education and that he was sending her over money? Talk about completely jumping the gun.

    OP I think you should respectfully refuse the Dads offer of repaying back the money and try and give your gf a chance to prove herself- she's obviously embarrassed and maybe she simply needed all of this pointed out to her.

    Please don't listen to assumptions, you know your gf, not some randomers on this.


  • #48
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    CaraMay - Thanks for the concern but it's definitely misplaced. I know for certain that he hasn't sent her a cent in the last 4 years. As I mentioned earlier, the family have had financial troubles and he couldn't have helped even if he wanted to. I have talked in detail to him about his business difficulties in the past and I pointed this out to him at the weekend. I think it's a mix of pride and disappointment in his daughter. I don't agree with either for the record. It's just difficult to convey that to someone.

    Involving her dad wasn't her decision as it wouldn't make any sense. I do not want anything back from either of them. Even if our relationship ended tomorrow I still wouldn't. We may be only bf/gf but to me we have been a team. Cheesy I know!

    I understand why people jump to the conclusion that I'm being taken advantage of and I'm destined for financial and emotional ruin but I really don't believe that. We have 5+ years before marriage will happen and in my world actions speak louder than words.

    FactCheck - thanks a mill for all the advice. I think there's no other solution. Just difficult dealing with future in laws and walking on egg shells. Not often someone insists on giving you money and you want to refuse!

    M'lady - thank you too for the reassurance. Very kind. :)


  • #49
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I bet she told him she funded her Own education while allowing you pay for it????? I'll bet he was sending her money too.

    Op this us a HUGE red flag. She is taking ye all for mugs and I don't know what her agenda was by rushing off to daddy. She obviously has no intention of paying you back and must have known how her father would react.

    She is clever I'll give her that!!! Are you really still thinking of marrying this girl?

    I agree with the others that it is an assumption her dad paid her too and it's nowhere written between the lines he actually did.

    but I think it's a reasonable question why did she go and tell her family/dad about it? you say she's so embarrased after you confronted her, it doesn't make any sense why she's rushing off and telling it to her family??? seems odd to me.

    also, from all you write my gut feeling tells me there's something not right characterly with your gf but you don't want to see it or admit it. I would suggest think long and hard before you marry her (and why in gods name you need to tell or even worse, ask her dad about his permission now you want to marry her when you say yourself you're not planning to marry her anytime soon?)

    sorry to say,you seem like a nice guy, but also you seem to live in a bit of a delusional world, being a bit naive too.

    just my two cents, be careful with this girl.


  • #50
    ahmeeehead
    Registered Users Posts: 31 ✭ahmeeehead


    tara73 wrote: »
    I agree with the others that it is an assumption her dad paid her too and it's nowhere written between the lines he actually did.

    but I think it's a reasonable question why did she go and tell her family/dad about it? you say she's so embarrased after you confronted her, it doesn't make any sense why she's rushing off and telling it to her family??? seems odd to me.

    also, from all you write my gut feeling tells me there's something not right characterly with your gf but you don't want to see it or admit it. I would suggest think long and hard before you marry her (and why in gods name you need to tell or even worse, ask her dad about his permission now you want to marry her when you say yourself you're not planning to marry her anytime soon?)

    sorry to say,you seem like a nice guy, but also you seem to live in a bit of a delusional world, being a bit naive too.

    just my two cents, be careful with this girl.


    Hi Tara,

    Where to start.. She tells me she spoke to her mother who was really upset that she hadn't told them any of this and it was passed onto her dad. I believe she wanted to know their opinions and what she should do. Not wise in hindsight obviously.. She thinks I'm really upset with her when I really am not.

    I can't deny that some of the posts here are making me slightly paranoid but I am not a push over. I have had lucky breaks but I've also been successful on my own merit and it's a tough world out there.

    I do love her lots obviously but we're both very Independent and my life doesn't revolve around our relationship. I'm not somebody who can't bare to be alone, unlike a lot of people I know. I would say the opposite is true, but I also love our relationship and how well we suit each other.

    I think she has made big mistakes no question and I'm posting here for a reason. I would hate to lose her but I also won't stand for anything less than 100% honesty and commitment from her or anybody I encounter. Our engagement will only happen on that basis.

    I wasn't technically going to ask her dad for her hand in marriage but I just wanted to let him know how serious I was about our future together and really how little the past (money,) mattered. Again, shows my immaturity as that seems ill advised and dumb now.

    I really take what you have said on board. I tend to see the best in people but I have a crossing point that I don't return from.

    Thanks for taking the time.


  • #51
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ahmeeehead wrote: »
    I would hate to lose her but I also won't stand for anything less than 100% honesty and commitment from her or anybody I encounter. Our engagement will only happen on that basis..
    OP, be careful that the lure of engagement/marriage doesn't become the "carrot" that makes your gf behave over the next few years. Or equally that she doesn't feel resentful for having to jump through hoops& tests before you decide that it's "safe" to propose, that she's proven her worth to you.
    After many years of dating already, you should feel that if the opportunity arose, you could happily marry this girl in the morning. Any recent transgressions in the past few months should be overshadowed by your long history together. If your entire faith in her can be undermined so easily with this "blip", you really should question the strength of your feelings& trust.
    What's going to change in a few years? Not you, not her, not the concept of marriage. Are you simply kicking the ball down the road?


  • Advertisement
This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement