Cut contact with very good friend

Mr. Incognito · 24-11-2014 10:32pm

Your girlfriend sounds like an insecure controlling wench tbh

Paco Rodriguez · 24-11-2014 10:36pm

You're girlfriend sounds jealous and controlling. Your friend has been there for you before your new girlfriend came on the scene.

It's easy for me to say looking outside in but I would stand by your friend. Lay the law down to your girlfriend about it. That's if it's not too late.

Dellnum · 24-11-2014 10:40pm

I think you should put your foot down with your g/f and tell her that your family has been friends with the neighbours family all your life and that you are not going to cut her off just because your g/f is jealous of this friendship. You can tell her that if there was anything more in it things would have progressed a long time ago and that if you have to you will get the two of them together and confirm to them both that this neighbour is just a friend and that your g/f has nothing to worry about. I would tell your g/f that she is asking the impossible of you, that you do not want to lose her but that if she continues to ask you to blank your neighbour then you will have no alternative but to break up with her. Tell her you are leaving the choice up to her but that if she continues to insist that you blank your neighbour then your relationship will have to end. I would not succumb to this nonsense if I were you.

strandroad · 24-11-2014 10:40pm

Looks like your neighbour did nothing wrong and your girlfriend has some major issues she's taking out on you. Wait until she takes a dislike to someone inside the family... You'll have a regular feud on your hands.

ThatFatGal · 24-11-2014 10:51pm

I have to disagree with the above. If I were in her shoes, I'd feel uncomfortable as well.

Having said that,

Your gf does sound a bit insecure and you should probably ask her what is causing this insecurity. What is it that the two ladies, your gf and your neighbour, don't like about each other anyways? Is your neighbour unknowingly fighting for your attention - which would be weird for any friendship (Imagine your guy friend constantly looking for your attention, not doing his own thing and living his own life)?

If you were good friends with your neighbour and have shown your gf the respect and attention she deserved, she probably wouldn't feel so uncomfortable about this friendship.

I suppose, you helping out your ex with her academic writing probably wasn't the best idea (I'd be raging if I found out my bf doing this behind my back - not that he would anyways!) and this incident probably fuelled her jealousy way more?

In any case, relationship is all about boundary - what you both see as acceptable.

If your gf thinks the level of your friendship is unacceptable to her and you don't agree with this, it's simple - you should probably break up for the good of both of you.

However, I still suggest you bringing this up with her and see where she's coming from.

CaraMay · 24-11-2014 10:52pm

Grow a pair and don't lose your friends for this controlling "person".

dixiefly · 24-11-2014 11:11pm

To be honest, from reading that I feel that, deep down, you know what you should do and that is consistent with the other responses here.

You need to call your girlfriend's bluff and tell her that you will maintain your friendship with your neighbour. If she doesnt love you enough to still make an effort with the relationship then she isnt really worth it.

And. of course it's much easier for me to say that than for you to do it.

Pat Mustard · 24-11-2014 11:28pm

Hectorcoupe77 wrote: »

It has felt all wrong and as a result I am torn between the warmth and love offered by my girlfriend at the cost of years and years of friendship and the associated feelings of self loathing and guilty disgust and increasing resentment. I am worried that these requests to remove people from my life are merely the tip of the iceberg - or are they simply situational and justified. I can see the overspill into my family who must now all endure the latent tension when girlfriend and neighbor are in the same room. Every family event threatens to be sullied going forward.

I know I can no longer see the wood from the trees and am highly culpable in terms of both action (type) and inaction as well as for my trust destroying early deceit - which was done simply as a favour - proven in emails which were read without permission. I really hope someone can shed a little light or clarity

The reason it feels bad is because it's not right. It's one thing if your girlfriend doesn't like your neighbour but it's going too far to insist that you don't associate with her at all. Your new girlfriend is being disrespectful to you by expecting you to accede to her unreasonable demands. Behaviour like that would be a dealbreaker for me.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2014 11:42pm

Your girlfriend sounds like a complete and utter nut job!!! She doesn't trust you and wants to control who you are friends with. I'm sorry but the day she requested access to your emails and phone would have been the deal breaker for me. If there is no trust in a relationship ..good riddance !

Stavro Mueller · 24-11-2014 11:57pm

To be honest, you're mad to bow to your girlfriend's demands. Good friends are hard to come by and you could be throwing away a long-standing friendship all for a relationship which might not last the distance. At best your girlfriend's an immature, insecure person. At worst she's a controlling madam who's going to be issuing a lot more ultimatums to you as time goes on. I really don't like the way she snooped around in your emails and demanded your phone. That for me would've been a red rag to a bull and the relationship would've ended there and then.

My advice to you is to stand up to your girlfriend and tell her she can't be telling you who you can and cannot be friends with. She doesn't have to like your neighbour but she has some cheek trying to control you in this fashion. Build bridges with your neighbour before it's too late and tell your girlfriend up front that you're going to visit her/meet up with her etc.

Incidentally, what does your family think about your girlfriend? I think that can tell a lot.

The Princess Bride · 24-11-2014 11:59pm

A friend of >30 years versus a girlfriend of < a year?
I know what I'd be doing!

Perhaps read over what you've written about your girlfriend, OP.
She sounds like she wants to control you.
No reasonable person would ask you to choose, remember that.

LegacyUser · 25-11-2014 12:35am

Your girlfriend sounds like a right nightmare. She found out that you helped your ex do some academic work by - "accessing my computer without my knowledge went through my emails".
Once she accessed your computer for your emails I would have ended things with her.

At this stage I would tell your girlfriend that your not ending a 30 year friendship to suit her and you will continue to do odd jobs for your neighbour. Most people will tell you that good friends are hard to find and if you have them you need to keep them.

The reality is that your girlfriend has major trust issues along with this she is trying to control who you are friends with.
If your going out with someone you make an effort with there friends and you show trust in who your with. Your girlfriend has made no effort with this woman and along with this does not trust you. If you let her do this you long term you will end up very unhappy.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-11-2014 12:41am

Has your gf stopped you from doing anything else that you always liked or enjoyed, but she doesn't want you doing it anymore? I know in a few lines of text you can't get the full picture across but your gf does sound quite demanding. And you seem to go along with everything she demands. How did she and your neighbour get off on the wrong foot?

I think no matter what you ever do, who you cut contact with etc your gf will never really be happy. She'll always have her eye on the next thing that's bothering her, that she wants you to change, or stop etc.

I suppose the only real question to ask is, are you happy? Does your relationship make you happy? Is this the person you can see yourself still being in love with on 40 years time?

LegacyUser · 25-11-2014 1:22am

I think people are being a bit harsh with the "your girlfriend is a huge nut job " assessment of your relationship, hey maybe it's true but you say you were helping out your friend without telling your girlfriend ,
Why did you hide it?
Were you neglecting the relationship in order to support your friend?
Why did your friend not get on with your girlfriend?
You don't go into any detail as what caused the fall out between them in the first place, could be that friend of 30 years sees new woman as a threat to having you at her beck and call (grass cut, lightbulbs changed, college work you name it) or new girlfriend is jealous or peeved at you spending your freetime with another woman , albeit one that's been your friend for over 30 years OR your friend saw that your girlfriend wasnt "right" for you.

Whatever happens with this particular woman it would seem to me that you need to be more active in facilitating your girlfriends' relationships witn a person who is obviously such an important part of your life.

You're very quick to point out that your girlfriend did this that the other but you don't do into any details about why this situation occurred in the first place.
Why is that? What is your role in all of this ?
You say the justifications from your girlfriend are petty and childish... If you feel this way then break up with this woman?
Why are you being so passive ? You "forgive any minor indiscretion " where your friend is concerned ! What indiscretions are they?
Was your friend a huge bitch to your girlfriend and you just let it slide because youve known one longer than the other?
What other people has she requested you remove from your life if any?

These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

If you feel , and you may be quite justified because if they email reading, that the trust is gone with this particular girlfriend then that is totally understandable - but you need to look at your own actions or inactions and those of your friend in terms of your next relatiinship.

Also keep in mind that if you kick that supposed control freak to the kurb and go running back to your neighbour, lawn mower in hand, your friendship may have changed now.

Stavro Mueller · 25-11-2014 9:32am

Might be as well you deleted your original post. It wouldn't surprise me if your girlfriend is keeping an eye on your internet history. Anyone capable of snooping in another person's email is up for anything. I wish you well, whatever choice you may have made.

dixiefly · 25-11-2014 10:32am

Very sad, I hadnt thought that there could be a possibility that the gf could read the thread but considering her history of checking messages etc then it was possible.

Even though the op didnt explicitly criticise the gf in the original post or looked at the possibility of finishing it he must be think that way. As someone else asked, he should listen to the thought of his own family as they are much closer to it all.

best of luck to the OP.

coffee_cake · 25-11-2014 10:56am

Closed as OP has deleted OP and account.

Best of luck

Cut contact with very good friend

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