Fear of putting my face on dating sites

LegacyUser · 21-12-2014 10:34pm #1

Hey. I am a guy, 28, and lately I've been using dating sites and apps to meet other guys. I think you all know the popular ones I'm talking about.

The problem is that I am not fully out of the closet. In most ways I am - my friends all know and my family knows. But my workplace doesn't and neither do aquaintances.

I'd like to meet a decent guy, but at the moment the only picture I ever show is just of me with my face blurred out. I know that this is hampering my efforts, but I'm really worried about showing my face on these places.

I feel as though once I put my face on there, I am basically advertising my sexuality. I'm a bit of a shy guy, and don't like talking about my personal life. I've seen co-workers on these websites, and if I show my face, then they will know and most likely everyone else in work will eventually find out.

I know it's not a big deal if they do know, but this little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me not to do it.

How can I stop being so paranoid about this? And for guys who were in my position before, at what point did you just say "feck it" and put up a photo of yourself? Thanks.

Ten of Swords · 21-12-2014 11:21pm

Dating websites and apps are not the only way to meet other gay people. You will certainly find hook ups that way but is that what you're looking for?

Have you exhausted all possibilities?

worrier86 wrote: »

at what point did you just say "feck it" and put up a photo of yourself?

When you're fully comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. You are out to friends and family but not work colleagues and acquaintances and that's fine but do you see it as a problem if they were to inadvertantly find out by seeing a photo of you on a site? If so, ask yourself why would it be a problem.

They are unlikely to confront you about it directly, are you worried about whispering behind your back?

Doop · 22-12-2014 12:03am

People wont talk about seeing you on it, theyre on it themselves and it is defo not cool to bring it up with someone.

Other people will have to be gay to see your profile too, and any gay person knows not everyone is out etc, so at most id imagine they might mention it to u discreetly. I wouldnt over think it just go for it.

Met my bf of 2 yrs on a site.

Rick_ · 22-12-2014 11:53am

I used to feel the same, but then I realised that most people wouldn't talk to me without showing my face or if they did very quickly they asked for it and wouldn't talk unless they seen it. So I started to put my face pic on and I don't regret it one bit. It actually made using the site better as I found a lot more people were willing to talk as there was a face pic to go on, plus it made it easier to find out who was interested in you and who wasn't as I'm sure you are well aware these sites/apps and the dating scene in general is so looks orientated.

The sites are only used by other gay people so you really don't have that much, if anything, to worry about. The fears of someone being spiteful and outing you to all etc. are natural but the chances of that happening are incredibly low to almost non-existent. Don't let this fear hold you back or stop you from using the sites to find someone if that is what you want. I met my boyfriend on Grindr and we have been going out since April and couldn't be happier together. Hopefully you'll find someone soon too.

floggg · 22-12-2014 12:52pm

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Dating websites and apps are not the only way to meet other gay people. You will certainly find hook ups that way but is that what you're looking for?

Have you exhausted all possibilities?

When you're fully comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. You are out to friends and family but not work colleagues and acquaintances and that's fine but do you see it as a problem if they were to inadvertantly find out by seeing a photo of you on a site? If so, ask yourself why would it be a problem.

They are unlikely to confront you about it directly, are you worried about whispering behind your back?

Actually, I would say that just going ahead and putting your pics up there might be a good way to force yourself to get comfortable with being openly gay.

No matter what way you do it, taking those first steps to put yourself out there openly will always be incredibly tough, and you will never be really "comfortable" about doing so.

But with each step you can confidence and believe. Once you stop treating your sexuality as a secret with the potential to destroy you, it stops becoming a secret with the potential to destroy you.

Since you are already out to your friends and family, you have the hard part done. If you feel you want to be more visible in terms of apps and sites, then just go for it.

It will be scary at first, and I'm sure you'll freak out the first time you see somebody who might recognise you from the site for the first time. But after a little while you won't think twice about if, and hopefully will have a few dates or what not to distract you from your fear in the meantime.

jobbridge4life · 22-12-2014 4:49pm

Floggg's advice seems reasonable to me. If you are out to family and friends then unless its the Catholic Church you are working for you probably have zero to worry about. Be brave share your lovely face with the world!

LegacyUser · 22-12-2014 11:52pm

I think my biggest worry is being known by everyone on these dating websites. I have seen a co-worker and also a sort of business partner I have worked with in the past online and I would find it awkward.

I find it weird, even for myself, going to the gym and seeing a bunch of guys that were messaging me during the week asking for dates or a hook up or whatever.

I do tend to overanalyse and overthink things though. Big fault of mine.

floggg · 01-01-2015 12:37pm

worrier86 wrote: »

I think my biggest worry is being known by everyone on these dating websites. I have seen a co-worker and also a sort of business partner I have worked with in the past online and I would find it awkward.

I find it weird, even for myself, going to the gym and seeing a bunch of guys that were messaging me during the week asking for dates or a hook up or whatever.

I do tend to overanalyse and overthink things though. Big fault of mine.

Why do you think it would it be a bad thing if people did recognise you? What exactly are you uncomfortable with - being recognised as gay or as a grindr user?

PeteK* · 02-01-2015 11:41pm

Does it not worry anyone to meet someone for a relationship on those sites and apps?
I'd always think they're still on it when we're not in each other's company.
It's probably bad of me to think that.

Ash885 · 03-01-2015 3:37am

A lot of the insecurities in this thread won't be helped in full by advice from strangers. You need to weigh up the pros and cons yourself and evaluate the risks. On one hand it will open you up to talking to a lot more guys, but if you're feeling this paranoid over it maybe it's not for you?

The last thing you need to be doing it stressing so much over it, and then if something good where to come from it, to question that as well. On the other hand somtimes risktaking and out of the old comfort zone could do you the world of good.

You could try apps like Tinder. A good majority of people are on it, so people won't be too scandalized. And you only match with people you are attracted to, so no fear of really matching with people who you don't want to associate. In thre past I've tried it and there's a lot of genuine lads on it!

floggg · 05-01-2015 11:24am

PeteK* wrote: »

Does it not worry anyone to meet someone for a relationship on those sites and apps?
I'd always think they're still on it when we're not in each other's company.
It's probably bad of me to think that.

No.

No offence, but that fear says more about you and your prejudices and insecurities than them.

Firstly, if I'm on there and I know I don't plan on cheating ever once in a relationship, why would I assume i am unique? Presumably there would be lots of other like minded people on there too.

Secondly, I judge people on their own merits and not on the basis of superficial grounds like whether they use dating apps. It seems you however are judging everybody on apps like grindr to be listful cock monsters incapable of faithfulness or thinking about anything much more than sex.

Thirdly, if you met somebody in a bar, would you fear they would cheat on you every time they went to a bar? I assume not, so why would you behave differ if you meet them on an app?

If you did, then you would have a lot of insecurities to work on.

floggg · 05-01-2015 11:42am

Ash885 wrote: »

A lot of the insecurities in this thread won't be helped in full by advice from strangers. You need to weigh up the pros and cons yourself and evaluate the risks. On one hand it will open you up to talking to a lot more guys, but if you're feeling this paranoid over it maybe it's not for you?

The last thing you need to be doing it stressing so much over it, and then if something good where to come from it, to question that as well. On the other hand somtimes risktaking and out of the old comfort zone could do you the world of good.

You could try apps like Tinder. A good majority of people are on it, so people won't be too scandalized. And you only match with people you are attracted to, so no fear of really matching with people who you don't want to associate. In thre past I've tried it and there's a lot of genuine lads on it!

The thing is, how will the OP ever get over his fear and paranoias unless he steps out of his comfort zone a little.

Personally, I don't think it's healthy that he would be so paranoid about using them - there is certainly nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about in doing so. I got the impression he wanted to get over the paranoia too.

Daith · 06-01-2015 3:07pm

OP,

What if you met a guy on grindr (and you had a blurred face) and it started to go well.

Would you not
Go to a gay bar with him?
Hold hands with him?
Kiss him in public?

All because someone from work or a client might notice you?

It's really not the app.

PeteK* · 07-01-2015 2:28am

floggg wrote: »

No.

No offence, but that fear says more about you and your prejudices and insecurities than them.

Firstly, if I'm on there and I know I don't plan on cheating ever once in a relationship, why would I assume i am unique? Presumably there would be lots of other like minded people on there too.

Secondly, I judge people on their own merits and not on the basis of superficial grounds like whether they use dating apps. It seems you however are judging everybody on apps like grindr to be listful cock monsters incapable of faithfulness or thinking about anything much more than sex.

Thirdly, if you met somebody in a bar, would you fear they would cheat on you every time they went to a bar? I assume not, so why would you behave differ if you meet them on an app?

If you did, then you would have a lot of insecurities to work on.

I would like to think that people don't plan to cheat.
I like your second point.. I agree.

I'm loosely basing it of a few guys I've known to be like that.

For the third point, they're probably on app more often than they're in a bar. I don't think that.

floggg · 07-01-2015 12:26pm

PeteK* wrote: »

I would like to think that people don't plan to cheat.
I like your second point.. I agree.

I'm loosely basing it of a few guys I've known to be like that.

For the third point, they're probably on app more often than they're in a bar. I don't think that.

Sounds like you have a bunch of prejudices and generalisations in your head about guys on grindr (or guys generally), which you should really get over.

Like any other social scene, there are all types of guys on there. And just because a guy likes causal sex when single, doesn't mean he's not trust worthy or that he's doing anything wrong.

Annasopra · 07-01-2015 6:55pm

7Tdriver dont post in this tgread again unless you are going to positively contribute.

7Tdriver · 07-01-2015 6:57pm

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

7Tdriver dont post in this tgread again unless you are going to positively contribute.

sorry lad, keyboards fault. Wrong button. Love.

Fear of putting my face on dating sites

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