Have I screwed up my life

LegacyUser · 24-11-2014 11:50pm #1

I don't know where to begin. I appear to have it sorted on the outside.

I have just have serious anxiety about being gay and I have let it go on too long (into my late twenties). I feel like a homophobic family gave me a complex. They wouldnt be much different to a typical Irish family but not every gay person is as neurotic as I am. I think it led to me missing the coming out boat in college.

When i finally came out I took ages to get going and I guess anxiety has ruined me. I feel like I just plunged myself into my straight friends world. I had no love interests to go after on our typical twenty-something partying binges so I was just getting wasted for no reason other than to get wasted.

Now I feel like I am in my late 20s and have partied/worked away my life whilst the whole relationship thing has been a void. I have no idea what to do, I feel like totally clueless, awkward and inexperienced. I feel worthless and I am panicking.

Should I just resign myself to a life of celibacy. I feel like such a loser.

Tuathanach · 01-12-2014 1:52pm

WhatHaveIDone000 wrote: »

I don't know where to begin. I appear to have it sorted on the outside.

I have just have serious anxiety about being gay and I have let it go on too long (into my late twenties). I feel like a homophobic family gave me a complex. They wouldnt be much different to a typical Irish family but not every gay person is as neurotic as I am. I think it led to me missing the coming out boat in college.

When i finally came out I took ages to get going and I guess anxiety has ruined me. I feel like I just plunged myself into my straight friends world. I had no love interests to go after on our typical twenty-something partying binges so I was just getting wasted for no reason other than to get wasted.

Now I feel like I am in my late 20s and have partied/worked away my life whilst the whole relationship thing has been a void. I have no idea what to do, I feel like totally clueless, awkward and inexperienced. I feel worthless and I am panicking.

Should I just resign myself to a life of celibacy. I feel like such a loser.

No you haven't ruined your life. There are many people with very very similar experiences and anxieties regarding their sexuality. I am one of them and similar to you; mid twenties, professional lad, it's all going well for me yet struggled and rejected my sexuality for years and years, to the point that I even 'tried to be straight'. The best thing you can do is accept it for what it is and start looking at ways to make yourself feel better which are entirely unrelated to your sexuality and then things will begin to take their place.

If you want to chat, feel free to pm me. Hope you are well and chin up!

jobbridge4life · 01-12-2014 4:17pm

You certainly have not screwed up your life. As you said you yourself in many ways things are going well for you as you 'appear to have it sorted from the outside' so at that is a positive and you did it while dealing with enormous personal pressures that is no small achievement. It is really important to keep the bright things in mind especially when feeling a little dark. Countless people don't even come out in their twenties. You are really not exceptionally late and most definitely not 'too late'. Honestly your comments on drinking would alarm me though. Alcohol and anxiety go hand in hand especially when it involves excessive consumption.

Mr.Frame · 01-12-2014 8:54pm

WhatHaveIDone000 wrote: »

I don't know where to begin. I appear to have it sorted on the outside.

I have just have serious anxiety about being gay and I have let it go on too long (into my late twenties). I feel like a homophobic family gave me a complex. They wouldnt be much different to a typical Irish family but not every gay person is as neurotic as I am. I think it led to me missing the coming out boat in college.

When i finally came out I took ages to get going and I guess anxiety has ruined me. I feel like I just plunged myself into my straight friends world. I had no love interests to go after on our typical twenty-something partying binges so I was just getting wasted for no reason other than to get wasted.

Now I feel like I am in my late 20s and have partied/worked away my life whilst the whole relationship thing has been a void. I have no idea what to do, I feel like totally clueless, awkward and inexperienced. I feel worthless and I am panicking.

Should I just resign myself to a life of celibacy. I feel like such a loser.

There is no "right time" to come out .It's different for everyone .
Firstly you are NOT worthless, nor awkward. At present you feel you should have come out sooner and because you didn't ,you think everyone else is enjoying life and you're missing out.
You are only in your late 20s relax ,you have your whole life ahead of you,take each day as it comes , look up events /groups in Outhouse.
Pick one and go along,yes you will feel "odd" but you will settle down as it were.
As for being "inexperienced", you're not and if you are talking about being inexperienced when it comes to sex,you're not.
Believe me if and WHEN you get with a guy,YOU WILL know what to do .
Congrats on coming out by the way, well done .
You are now the true YOU.

Rick_ · 01-12-2014 9:23pm

I'm a late bloomer too, so don't beat yourself up about it. Heck, I'm only in my first genuinely serious relationship now at 29/30. I spent my whole 20's feeling worthless, not good enough or that others weren't good enough for me (opinion varied by day) like I was always going to be alone and I'd never find anyone I'd like or would like me, what I would if I did because I wasn't experienced enough etc.

It's all bull you fill your head with by overthinking everything. That's my forté. Relax. Just take things as they come and things will fall in to place if you put a little effort in. Don't just sit back and expect it all to happen for you... hell, if only that were possible in life!

You're not worthless, you're not a loser and you do not have to think that resigning yourself to a life of celibacy is the only option. Stay here, chat with everyone, make some online friends and in time why not try attending one of the meet ups and develop some offline friendships. Getting out there more will almost certainly increase your chances 100% of finding friends/a partner over sitting at home doing nothing and just fantasising of a life you want for yourself. Take baby steps, but at least you're taking steps. Steps towards a much happier future for yourself.

feardeas · 01-12-2014 9:27pm

Late 20s is very young, you've done the big thing of coming out. As a lad who got round to that in his early 30s well done. Yeah life doesn't automatically get all bright and rosy but it is a help.

There are many cliches that can be trotted out, and most of them are probably accurate. You have not wasted your life. There are plenty of lads and girls, I'm sure, who feel they are still dancing when the music has been switched off. The drinking, as one poster has said is a worry. I get anxious about things from time to time, and yeah drink is not a help at all especially much of it. It is a depressant by its nature. Now I never drank too heavily but by God it is a killer on the anxiety.

The tried and trusted methods of exercise - walking, running, cycling swimming helps to get rid of the anxiety a little. At least the symptoms will be eased.

I used to be worried about not meeting someone and being alone. Then just over a year ago I met someone. I'm going to go on about how great it is [it is] but suffice to say that if someone had told me that 13 months ago, i would have laughed heartily.

You are a young man, you've had a social network, it may need to be widened now but nothing has been wasted.

None of us would be free of the wish to change things but the future is there, go grab it.

All the very best.

rooroo · 02-12-2014 12:37am

I agree with all the above.

If you're looking for something else, there's a few groups you could try. As mentioned already, Outhouse, they run some cool nights. There's also dining out ireland. Its like a group of men that meet once a month or so and just go out to dinner, it might be a nice break from the whole partying thing.

Chin up, tits out mate!

Uncle Ruckus · 03-12-2014 1:47pm

Late twenties is still young. I only came out to myself as bi and trans in my mid twenties and now I live as female and am in a six year same sex relationship. Don't get stressed out. It's not a rat race. Just enjoy yourself.

SliabhnamBan · 03-12-2014 4:15pm

I wish I had it together (except for the Gay part!) in my 20's! I was in my early 40's coming out. I would now prefer to have done it sooner, but the truth is, probably the same as yourself, a particularly traditional, conservative family did not provide me with the support or emotional infrastructure to come out. I still have lots of issues to work through but I am really glad that I came out when I did, as late as it was.
Believe me, You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you will do fine. Get involved in one of the activities at "Outhouse" or join the Dining Out group and build up a group of friends to hang out/socialise with and try to put all those doubts out of your mind. You will be fine. There is no "right way" to do this. Do it when and how you are ready to do it. Feel free also to pm me if you want to chat.

playedalive · 06-12-2014 12:14am

Sure you could say it would have been better to have joined the LGBT boat during college but maybe you were just not ready. I didn't come out until I was just into my last year of college at 21. Of course, 18 year olds and whatnot would have had all their issues sorted out, by joining these things. But that's not always 'the way' to do this. Sometimes, it is just better to be an innocent late teen/twenties person and get yourself together before delving into the complex world of homosexuality/LGBT world. I had self esteem issues which were too much for me, let alone sexuality.

Time really is a healer. I think when you see more confident gay guys, around your age and in relationships, you do feel like a loser. I can't lie. But as long as you're hopeful that things can and will happen (I mean you came out, probably was that in your wildest of dreams a few years ago...), the world and you can do mysterious things. Within the last 2 years of being 'out', things have definitely begun to get better.

Cantremember · 07-12-2014 12:22pm

The big thing is to accept that you don't owe explanations. Ignore other people's expectations. Either they will live your life for you, or you will. Late twenties? Perfect time to take stock and draw up "a **** off list". Can be people, places, ideas, institutions...they don't enable you be you so they go. It's your life. Enjoy.

CdeC · 08-12-2014 4:02pm

Your experiences sound pretty normal to me. Would it be better if you spent your 20s in a relationship cuddled up on the couch and now you wanted to go out partying all the time as you'd feel like you missed out. You are only in your 20's. Still very young and you're thinking about giving up. Well don't.

1. Resolve any underlying issues with accepting you are gay. you are still a little uncomfortable or at least you seem that way from your post.
2. Stop comparing yourself to anyone else. So what if people are in relationships and you are not. you need to look after your own needs.
3. Start trying to put yourself in places where you will meet other gay people. Not just clubs and pubs. really try and get to know them. Volunteer for something.
4. Do not ditch your straight friends. they'll understand though if you need a hiatus to go meet other people.
5. Try and enjoy it. Go on dates, take some risks and make yourself vulnerable. When you do the rewards are great.

AdFundum · 09-12-2014 3:56pm

No, you haven't screwed up your life. You have just come to a realisation that how you have organised your life is no longer working and now you are in a position to make changes you think may be necessary or important. That is a good place to be. Not always an easy place because 'long hard thinks' are exactly that.

It is not helpful to feel guilty about "partying/working" your life away, as you say, because those things brought you to a point. Had you been a contented gay in his early 20's without a "complex", you may also partied/worked your life away - granted, you may have had a few dalliances with some nice boys, some of those may even have been relationships but you could still be where you are now, questioning and regretting the whole lot. It ebbs and flows. The changes you make now, you will probably question in another decade.

So my point (in a waffling, roundabout way) is to cast off the mantel of perfection and accept that becoming the best version of yourself is a process. Comparing yourself to others is akin to implementing a personal development performance management system and even if you are ticking those damned boxes, that's not an accommodating way to live. There is no competition.

WhatHaveIDone000 wrote: »

Should I just resign myself to a life of celibacy. I feel like such a loser.

You can begin by showing yourself more compassion.

Donnaghm · 24-12-2014 2:28am

Great comments all. That is all I have to say.

26-12-2014 12:43am

WhatHaveIDone000 wrote: »

I had no love interests to go after on our typical twenty-something partying binges so I was just getting wasted for no reason other than to get wasted.

Now I feel like I am in my late 20s and have partied/worked away my life whilst the whole relationship thing has been a void. I have no idea what to do, I feel like totally clueless, awkward and inexperienced. I feel worthless and I am panicking.

You really sound to me like someone who is conflating relationship and life success as if they are the same thing.

I have a strong feeling that the single best first step you can make from here is to SEPARATE the two of these. Strongly. And NOW.

There is that lyric in the old "sun screen song" that says "Dont feel guilty if you dont know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont."

Put the sexuality and the past out of your mind as much as you can for now and carve out YOUR way in this life. Your path. This path can start from any social class - and sexual history - and starting point at all. Just get that sorted.

And the rest of it - including what person - if any - of what sex - either - you might share your life path with - that will sort itself out along the way.

As other users have pointed out though - if you have found some kind of chemical crutch like alcohol - sort that out first or as a parallel point to sorting out your direction.

Your sexuality does not define you. YOU define you. Do that first. Then define the rest of it as it comes.

Have I screwed up my life

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