Moody and disrespectful teen feels I don't love her??

Hannaho · 20-04-2015 10:44pm #1

I have a moody and disrespectful teen who constantly shouts, and no matter what she is given, it never seems enough - i.e. love, understanding and material things. It's been like this always but is getting worse. She was a sick child and in and out of hospital until age 7, so I think maybe she got spoiled for attention at a young age. She has always resented her easygoing brother who is really bright at school - she herself is a good average and very sporty - her brother wouldn't be sporty at all. The moods and behaviour make me dread coming home in the evenings. I feel there is no appreciation for anything I do for her. I'm a single parent with health issues which originally resulted from stress. I work full-time and have just started a new job. I'm also studying which I'm thinking of giving up in order to reduce stress on family - don't need it for my job or promotion. Tonight she got annoyed because although I had spent 190 euro on scouting equipment for her for a weekend away, I wouldn't spend another 15 on a scouting water bottle as she already had a water bobble. When I ask her to help with the dishwasher, or get her clothes for scouting and bring them downstairs for me, it's a shouting match. She will also just march in and turn the telly down so low I can't hear it, just because she can hear it in the early evening in her room. This evening when I told her she would have to forfeit her phone for the evening as she had been disrespectful, she said she felt I didn't love her, always preferred her brother - she gives him a hard time too, makes him cry - and that she wanted us to stop fighting. I would love to stop the fighting - but I would like some respect and some help around the house - her brother will offer to do brief tasks around the house - when he moans the odd time, he will still help after a few minutes. I feel wrecked by it all, and am starting to feel down; that life is just one long struggle and nothing else! Help!!

Queen-Mise · 21-04-2015 1:30pm

What age is she? In the teens, there is a big difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old.

Moody and disrespectful isn't the problem. Spoilt, ungrateful, bullying (to you and her brother), and an emotional manipulator would be my words . The situation is far from a lost cause

But you are going to have to develop a thick skin and put down some damn firm ground rules.

Ring Parentline 1890 927277 - they are truly fantastic. I had cause to ring them recently, and found them really good.
Do the Barnados parenting course for teens, which will give you lots of practical advice.
I would also talk to your local Youth Club and see if they have a teen counselling service. It might be good for her if she has any unresolved issues etc.

Not sure how much practical advice I can give you. I take no sh*t as a parent, but I have a 13 & 9 year old, so may not have quite hit the full out teenage hormones yet. Generally I am really tough with talking back, cheek, disrespect, laziness, that developing adult helplessness (you know when they do a job so badly that you won't ask them to do it again, I make them do it right), sibling fighting (one of my bugbears, hate it with a vengeance), etc.

One or two comments to make - losing a phone for a night for what she did, in my opinion isn't enough. Does your daughter have any idea of the value of money?

And secondly, when she said the comment on not loving her as much as her brother; I'd call her out on it, in a very calm manner - 'you know that is emotional blackmail/guilt/manipulation and is really not a nice thing to say, especially because you know exactly how much I love the two of you. I would appreciate an apology for saying that as it was hurtful and insulting to me.'
Meet all the 'drama' with calmness and call her out on it.

I'd agree with you deferring the course for the moment. Get this situation under control first. It's not going to get better by itself.

Intifada · 21-04-2015 1:36pm

It's hard to respect anybody who loses their temper and shouts a lot. Doesn't mean you're in the wrong but you're just showing weakness which kids will exploit. You're giving them the fight they're spoiling for.

And with all due respect, this:

Generally I am really tough with talking back, cheek, disrespect, laziness, that developing adult helplessness (you know when they do a job so badly that you won't ask them to do it again, I make them do it right), sibling fighting (one of my bugbears, hate it with a vengeance), etc.

More than likely makes your children resent you. It might give you some peace & quiet yourself, so if you're happy with that then go ahead, but in the long term it is not going to help.

Queen-Mise · 21-04-2015 5:44pm

Intifada wrote: »

It's hard to respect anybody who loses their temper and shouts a lot. Doesn't mean you're in the wrong but you're just showing weakness which kids will exploit. You're giving them the fight they're spoiling for.

And with all due respect, this:

More than likely makes your children resent you. It might give you some peace & quiet yourself, so if you're happy with that then go ahead, but in the long term it is not going to help.

Oh get off your pedestal will you. I am not the one who asked for help.

How about reading the OP's post and giving them some constructive help and advice rather than critiquing my parenting techniques.

*shakes head in absolute bewilderment*

Intifada · 22-04-2015 8:55am

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Oh get off your pedestal will you. I am not the one who asked for help.

How about reading the OP's post and giving them some constructive help and advice rather than critiquing my parenting techniques.

*shakes head in absolute bewilderment*

I am addressing the OP. I am recommending them not to take your advice lest her children resent her. Pipe down, you're not at home.

Queen-Mise · 22-04-2015 8:16pm

I think if your kids don't resent you fairly often during their rearing then you are doing something wrong. Kids are never going to like it when tell them no, tidy a bedroom, doing chores, homework, pull them up on unacceptable behaviour etc.

Someone said this to me recently when a younger child tells you they hate you, they don't really mean it, but when your teenager says it they mean it ï¿¼. There is probably a truth to it.

lulu1 · 23-04-2015 12:56am

Op So sorry you are having a hard time with your daughter. Please dont be annoyed but to be honest I think she is acting like a spoiled brat. How is she with friends and other family members aunts cousins ect. If she acts ok around them well I would definatly make some changes in the house as regards shouting and bad behavour. Yoy dont say how old she is. I have got a 15 year old girl and to be honest i very rarely have to lose my temper, but the odd time i do she knows to say nothing. Also I would cut down on the spending for trips when she dosen't appreciate it. As for the phone which is my pet hate I would not give her any more than 5e for credit and I would warn her to keep it for texing home in case of emergencey.
OP you have nothing to lose by putting your foot down because she is going to be stroppy no matter what you do.
A few weeks of getting less attention might work wonders
Good luck

4ensic15 · 06-12-2015 9:32am

Your daughter's behaviour is unacceptable. You are also way to slack with her. Forfeiting a phone for an evening for disrespect is a pathetic punishment. Yiou need to be much firmer. She will not like it at first but will come around quickly enough. It is not your role as a parent to win any popularity contests. Your role is to teach your children manners and respect.

Orion · 07-12-2015 1:06pm

6 month old thread - why would you drag it up?

Moody and disrespectful teen feels I don't love her??

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