Life's headaches

LegacyUser · 04-09-2014 10:27am #1

I'm in a situation and looking for some opinions please, I'm having an ongoing headache with my girlfriend that's putting a strain on our relationship and it's giving me seconds thoughts. Little background, I’m 29 shes 25 and we've been together a bit over a year, I'm in full time employment & she's just starting her postgrad. I'm living with a friend while she lives at home currently, with plans for us to move in together.

I do love the girl to bits & we usually have a fantastic time when together but the more we talk about living together and my current situation the more concerns I have. The problem is she doesn't like my housemate and that's fine but it has put me in awkward territories. My gf would stay over 3/4 nights per week sometimes and altho my housemate seems okay with this now, it wasn't like that in the past. This is one of the reasons why it would be good to move out as she didn't sign up to sharing with a couple, however we do just spend the time in my room and not the common areas & it would be nice for us to have our own place. So at the beginning of my relationship with my gf I proposed to my housemate that I would pay 60% of the bills while my housemate would cover 40%, I mentioned this to my gf recently and she's throws it back in my face saying I'm a push over etc & thinks I do too much for my housemate cos I tell my gf to be quiet or turn the tv down when it’s late at night etc, while all I'm trying to do is keep the balance. As you can imagine there's tension in the house so prob best I move out but now I'm unsure if it's the right thing to do and if there really is a future with us.

I've told her ages ago she would need to get a job part time while in college which is 15hrs per week + study for two reasons, one, I would be unable to afford all the rent and secondly because Dublin market is crazy, landlords would favour the fact both of us has jobs, this was a few months ago and she still hasn't done her cv which really pisses me off. I’ve said I would cover 2/3rds of the rent and she covers the rest while we go halves on bills etc until she’s finished college and got a full time job but I worried I’ll get lumped with everything, that may sound selfish but I have my own debts that need to be covered. There would be a lot of uncertainty moving in together which is worrying but at the same time it could be fantastic.

I can understand the frustrations on both sides ie. Gf and housemate but I’m stuck in the middle and in a no win situation.

I suppose it comes down to 2 options,
Move in with my gf and have uncertainty
We break up and I continue where I'm staying
Option 3 that’s not really an option: stay where I am in the current setup and watch the inevitable happen

Sorry for the long thread but any comments/questions on this, good bad or ugly

Thanks for reading

Tokyo · 04-09-2014 12:33pm

Hey OP,

Does your girlfriend pay any rent in return for staying at your place 3/4 nights per week? Or contribute to the bills there in any way? Because if she isn't, or if it's a token gesture, then it sounds like she has a pretty good setup and she knows it, in terms of having hardly any expenditure, and doesn't want to see that change anytime soon.

You say that you can understand your girlfriend's frustrations, but to be honest I don't see at all what she has to be frustrated about that isn't either of her own making, or based in her own fantasy world of the way things should be. I can certainly understand why there is tension in the house at the moment - if I were your housemate, I'd certainly be less than pleased at having an extra person in the house for most of the week, using amenities and generally wanting to get their way all the time, and I can understand why you are frustrated at her complete and utter lack of interest at changing the status quo, and from what you say, her reaction at any suggestion of doing so is bordering on the ridiculous.

She DOESN'T WANT to:

send out her resume to get a job
split the bills 60/40 and actually throws it back in your face if you suggest it
split the rent 2/3 / 1/3 and makes no effort to change your living arrangements at all

She DOES want to:

bounce between your place and home for the foreseeable future, with others footing the bill

That's not really a good place for any relationship to be, and I think that you really need to sit down and talk to her about how your relationship moves forwards from here. Because the current situation is unfeasible, and is completely unfair on everybody involved - everybody except her that is....

ManOfMystery · 04-09-2014 2:07pm

It sounds like your girlfriend has got a nice cushy setup at the moment. I wouldn't go as far as to say she's using you, but it's bordering on that and if you end up moving in together without her having a job, I predict that she'll never end up getting one and you'll be footing all the bills. There's been plenty of posters on here before with similar threads but a few years further down the line than you are, wondering why they have no money left at the end of the month - all because a partner is abusing their generosity.

Also, regards the 60/40 thing - what you did there was very fair and civil and more considerate than most housemates would be. Frankly, it's none of your g/f's business either so next time she express some opinion of you being a 'walkover', I'd tell her to butt out.

LegacyUser · 04-09-2014 3:33pm

Thanks for your replies, good to get outside opinions rather than ones own head

@Mike: See the thing is I’ve been around the block a lot more than herself and understand it’s not fair to be over 3/4 nights per week so that’s why I pay 60% of the bills, my housemate was happy with that gesture but the gf thinks it’s over the top…yes I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s the situation unfortunately. And to answer your question on her contribution/s – nope, nada..! I suppose what I mean bout my gf’s frustrations is that she feels uneasy when in mine so the prospect of living together would alleviate that. I don’t want to paint her in a bad light I’m just frustrated I’m in this situation and have to choose

@ManofMystery: that’s what I’m worried about, we’ve done up a quick budget and figures don’t really stack up, as I said I’m happy to go 2/3rds on the rent (would prob work out the same as I’m paying now) but for bills, food, additional costs that may arise, I just don’t have that capacity at the moment. I think if she got/had a job and had income there, it wouldn’t be such an issue but we’re not there yet so it will be tough to manage going from month to month when now I’m doing okay enough by putting away some for savings etc.

I just don’t know to be honest, I agree with yee that another talk in needed to set out where this is going. I was thinking of suggesting that she moves up and gets digs or student accommodation until her course is near finished as now doesn't seem viable but will prob end in an argument and back to square one

Tokyo · 04-09-2014 4:25pm

I appreciate the gesture that you've made towards your housemate in all of this (and I'm sure that he appreciates it too), however surely that's a gesture that your girlfriend should be making, no? Staying over a night or two is one thing, however living in your house for more than half the week every week without contributing anything is something she surely must see as a step too far, and then to have the audacity to call you out on it for taking up the slack in the bills that she should be doing? Long story short, she wants to feel as comfortable as she would in her own home, without contributing a cent to the costs of that home.

I appreciate that this is the person you love and all, but you asked for brutal honesty, and to me I can only interpret this in one of two ways:

She's been spoiled all of her life or at least mollycoddled, and genuinely thinks that life should be this way, and that your housemate should give way to her just living there for free, and you should pick up any of the slack.
She's taking the **** completely in terms of wanting things her way, no compromise, and doesn't want to actually fork out (or even contribute to) herself towards basic living expenses such as rent when she can flit between your place and home for free. Nor does she want to make the effort of getting a job to cover living expenses when she can drag this situation out as long as possible.

And being honest, I'm leaning towards the latter, and I'd be quite concerned about moving in with this person until this is resolved....

Magicmatilda · 04-09-2014 4:35pm

I think you need to tell your girlfriend that you will not be moving in with her until she gets a job. Also that she can no longer stay in your house as often as she is. While your gesture to the flatmate is very kind, an extra 10% of my bills being paid would not compensate me for having to put up with having some one who does not like me staying in my home 3/4 nights a week. Your girlfriends lack of consideration for your flatmate is quite alarming. It does indicate that she is a bit of a princess and needs to grow up. Do not move in until she is working. Is there any reason she does not like the flatmate? Is it just because she is a girl and she is jealous?

cactusgal · 04-09-2014 5:00pm

I agree with Magic Matilda, an extra 10% off my bills would in no way compensate for having a third housemate for half the week or more.

What does your girlfriend do all day if her course is only 15 hours a week and she doesn't work?

I most definitely would not move in together until she gets a job, and would reduce the sleepovers to twice a week at most to be fair to your housemate.

I also would think twice about paying 2/3 of the rent. She's not a kid and shouldn't need to be subsidized. She should be living with you because your relationship is serious and long-lasting, not to get a cheap deal on rent.

gigglemuch82 · 04-09-2014 5:09pm

Op, I'm sorry but if I were your housemate, I'd be fuming. I'd demand to go 3 ways on rent and bills.

You're enabling your girlfriend to be lazy and irresponsible by letting her stay with you in your 'shared' house/apartment. I think one does not realise how important it is to be self-sufficient and financially responsible until one moves out of the nest.

I'd tread very carefully in terms of taking things further until she realises that she needs to work, be responsible and independent and not depend on her parents and her generous boyfriend.

I also recommend that you stay in her parents' house once or twice a week to make her taste her own poison.

R.D. aka MR.D · 05-09-2014 5:43am

I think the question is, are you happy to have someone be dependent on you?

I agree with posters that she probably knows that she has a good thing going and doesn't want to give it up. Are you confident that she will still want to be with you when she has money of her own and doesn't have to rely on you for her upkeep?

I can't ever imagine being comfortable with having a boyfriend/partner put him/herself under financial burden for me. I never have, not when I didn't have 2e to eat some weeks in college and not now that I earn a really good wage. I'm able to earn my own money/survive independently so why would I have someone give me handouts?

If you are happy with her being dependent on you and you get something out of that then go for it but I'd warn you that you should be careful of being taking advantage of.

ladygirl · 05-09-2014 9:40am

Do not move in with your girlfriend until she is in a position to be able to pay all her own rent and bills. you should not have to subsidise her.

If you move in with her now I guarantee that she will never pay a penny and you will be left paying 100% of the rent and bills..

why does your girlfriend have a problem with you contributing more to the bills, its not as if its coming out of her pocket.. She sounds extremely selfish and very manipulative..

Your housemate has the patience of a saint!!!!

LegacyUser · 05-09-2014 9:50am

Thanks again for the comments, it been going through my head the past while but it one of those things that you see unfolding in front yourself and wonder what the hell is going on. I've made up my mind that I'm not going to move in together without her having a job, I can't see this conversation going well but if it doesn't that will be that.

My housemate and I have a great relationship and I've been lucky she's let this slide for this long and I know me paying an extra 10% isn't even a way to rectify that, it just has kinda spiralled into this mess from 1 night a week to now 3/4 with no consideration on her part which does scream alarm bells. When I got with my gf it was crazy how quickly things moved and I always gave leniency on the job front, thinking it would be short lived but there's very little ambition or drive there to sort it out so I can be to blame on some part for letting it get to this.

@magicmatilda, I told her before I thought she was lazy and needed to sort a job if she wanted to live together but she gets mad and thinks I’m being condescending and patronising. I really don't know why she doesn't like my housemate tbh, my housemate made an effort at the start but the two just don't really get on, and yes my housemate has been really good in this situation.

@RD, no way do I want to have this much dependency on me, I'm only getting myself into a decent situation financially after a couple years of employment and your comment really hits home and freaks me out

LegacyUser · 25-09-2014 10:48am

I wanted to update this as it’s been a roller coaster two weeks. We decided to give it another shot and that we wouldn’t move in together until gf got a job (this was dif to achieve but we finally got there). However things haven’t really been the same and one thing has been playing on my mind. My housemate previously said that she wouldn’t mind gf staying over 4/5 nights a week if she contributed which is what I then said to the gf, but she was unhappy with this saying why do I have to pay now to stay up and didn’t have to previously, so basically this then went nowhere. As we’ve been seeing each other a lot, I said the other day could we meet up in 3 days instead as I have loads to do in work and when I get home I want to do some cleaning & get things ready to sell. She wasn’t happy with this so I said I need my space (can’t remember having 2 nights to myself tbh) to get things done and maybe we should go back to spending fri/sat/sun together for a few weeks & not weekdays just to have some time to ourselves. Again this wasn’t really an option for her but here’s what’s grating me; she then “suggested” could she stay over weekdays instead cos she has college. This knocked me for six and I let her how I felt by saying it sounds like it’s more convenience for her rather than anything else cos previously she said to me that she didn’t want to get a job at weekends cos that’s when she’ll see me the most. She said she wanted to try find a part-time job from mon-fri’s as this would free up weekends for us to spend together but now she’s “suggesting” staying weekdays instead and it’s just driving me crazy . She said it all has to be on my terms but looking at it from both sides I think she’s been overly unfair. Am I in the wrong here/being unreasonable or it is just time to let go?

LegacyUser · 26-09-2014 11:25pm

From what you have told us you have been very fair to your girlfriend. You have being paying 60% of the rent and bills where your live as your flat mate has been decent about having her there as much.

I have to be honest her she is using you. She wants to live at home where Mammy and Daddy are supporting her. She wants to spend a few night a week with you but she does not want to give you any money towards your rent & bills.
She expect's you to let her stay over when it suits her. Along with this she seems to have no understanding that she can do this because your flat mate is being decent. When she is in your flat she has the tv on loud or you have to tell her to be quite.
At this stage I would tell her that it is over due to her meanness. I would then tell her that if she want to leave home she will have to get a job, pay rent and pay the bills her parents won't always be around to do this.

cactusgal · 27-09-2014 12:02am

She sounds very selfish and teenagery, IMO. You say she is 25? When I was that age, I'd been living away from home for years and was completely financially independent from my folks. But that was the way I was raised. It sounds like her parents are enabling her attitude.

She sounds like a bit of a user. Sorry

Ps. It's totally legitimate that your housemate wanted her to contribute more, your GF's refusal to do so is quite mean.

CaliforniaDream · 27-09-2014 4:13am

Just one thing to add, how does your relationship with your housemate come across?
Seeing as she's female and you get along quite well, could it be a jealousy issue?

Regarding the financial situation you're definitely the loser here. She does need to contribute or else stay at her own place more. It's not fair on you or housemate. She doesn't get as much a say on the issues because she's not paying for the place to live or bills. You and your housemate need to come to an agreement and then you can tell your girlfriend her options.
Unfortunately in a relationship some things are out of your control.

suicide_circus · 27-09-2014 7:34am

Your gf is taking the absolute piss. She sounds like a very immature 25 year old.

indigo twist · 27-09-2014 8:20am

Never mind not moving in with her until she can afford rent and bills - personally I'd be cautious about moving in with anyone who's never lived away from home ... and in this case, even more so! She sounds like a spoilt selfish princess. You've only been together a year - that's really not very long in the grand scheme of things.

Tell her you're perfectly happy in your current houseshare, but boundaries need to be established, as the current situation isn't fair on your housemate. Encourage her to move into a houseshare herself, so that you could spend 1-2 nights a week there and she could stay 1-2 nights at your place. (And even 1-2 nights every week having a partner stay over wouldn't go down well with some potential housemates - I can't believe how reasonable the girl you're living with has been!) From what you've told us about your girlfriend, I wouldn't consider living with her as either a housemate or a partner until she's proven she can live independently and be responsible for covering her own rent and bills.

Even if this isn't an option - if it's not financially viable for her to rent a room in a houseshare - I'd still be putting off the idea of moving in with her for a very long time.

I think a good place to start would be to sit down with your housemate and make an agreement that she's comfortable with about what nights your girlfriend will stay over. I know myself from living with others that I mightn't necessarily mind the boyfriend/girlfriend being over a good bit - BUT what I did mind was when it was unpredictable; when I'd come in from work and find them lounging on the couch, when all I wanted was to change into my PJs and make my dinner and not have to make polite conversation with anyone. And it's equally awkward when they just stay in the bedroom for the evening - sure, it's nice and polite that they stay out of the way, but it's still not really a great atmosphere. In an apartment I lived in with a good friend, we had an arrangement - my boyfriend would only ever stay over Friday and Saturday nights, hers would only ever stay over Monday and Tuesday nights ... now, this didn't mean that our respective boyfriends would ALWAYS stay over on those nights, but it did mean that we could be guaranteed to come home to an apartment to ourselves the other three nights of the week. (Of course, we often made exceptions to these nights with prior agreement - but it was good to have the ground rules in place.)

tara73 · 27-09-2014 10:07am

don't do what she's asking. take your own needs first, you supported her selfish behaviour long enough.
be prepared there will be drama, but stick to your guns. she's using you, can't you see it? it's pretty obvious. the relationship is doomed to fail because I don't think she'll change. if you give in to her demands now, it will only get worse.

LegacyUser · 27-09-2014 11:12am

I say this as a woman, OP - this girl better look like a naked Jennifer Lawrence for you to put up with this sh$t after only one year.

She is absolutely pulling the piss. And tbh, you are too damn old to be played this way.

She is a sulker, a pouter, a foot stamper, and a whinger. She is not sheltered, she is a 14 year old trapped in a 25 year olds body.

She wants to contribute nothing, and get everything. And of course the main reason she's pissy about your housemate? Cos she's a woman, and she's jealous you have such a mature realtionship with her. I mean, getting annoyed cos you want to turn down the TV late at night??? Is she living in a fantasy land?

She will NEVER get a job that can contribute towards rent - I'm saying this with certainty. It would be very interesting to know when she last held down a job, and for how long - I strongly suspect it was in her teens.

Your housemate on the other hand, is a living saint. Stay put. You won't get someone so amenable again.

I never say this normally, honestly. But you gotta dump the child. You're 29, FFS - she acts like she's in school.

Stavro Mueller · 27-09-2014 12:36pm

OP, try not to be blinded by the fun times you have together. You've learned a lot about how your girlfriend's mind works when it comes to mundane everyday living. For want of a better description, you sound like a farmer trying to drag a particularly stroppy mule across a field. I mean, why the drama over looking for a part-time job?? Not to mention the fuss she's kicking up over contributing towards the rent. I also would consider her reluctance to turn the TV volume down another red flag. It shows a lack of consideration towards other people and indicates yet again an inherent meanness of spirit. At 25 years of age it's unlikely she's going to change much. What is your gut telling you?

dellas1979 · 27-09-2014 3:54pm

Jeepers...this situation sounds ridiculous, and so so hard. Really, its quite a simple situation.

Does it not raise huge red flags for you, for your future? Because it should. Imagine living life and having battles like this everyday?

Of course she doesnt like your housemate...your housemate has caught her out on what shes doing. Instead of being "actually, you are right, I should be contributing because I stay here and use the facilities etc, lets figure it out" its a massive strop.

You are the one sorting it all out, not her. And then she has the stupidity to tell you "its all your way?" Nice (pointless) come back.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2014 2:23pm

Thanks again for replies, it’s hard to hear but what I need to hear to be honest. We broke up during the weekend and although I think it’s the right decision I’m finding it tough. She didn’t take it well and apologised profusely and said she didn’t mean the ways things have gone & she didn’t mean to suggest the staying over weekdays instead of weekends because of college. She’s promised she will change and didn’t think I would end things but I just don’t think things can go back to the way they were. What we had was amazing but there was always these underlining issues at play and as other posters said it does put up major concerns/red flags for the future. One part of me thinks this could be the shake up call she needs but these topics have come up previously, & the other majority part in me says it didn’t need to get to this stage for this to happen & what we once had is lost. She’s asked for a 2nd chance to show me that she can change but we’ve been here before, not to the same extent but still around the same issues but nothing has been different. My head is just all over the place

suicide_circus · 29-09-2014 5:09pm

^^^^^ I'm sure your head is melted man. You're my age and I have experienced a somewhat similar scenario. You can expect tearful phone calls and sometimes late at night you'll be very tempted to send that text. But from what you've said here, this girl is simply not ready to be in a relationship with a grown up.

pookie82 · 29-09-2014 6:29pm

Complicated 1234 wrote: »

Thanks again for replies, it’s hard to hear but what I need to hear to be honest. We broke up during the weekend and although I think it’s the right decision I’m finding it tough. She didn’t take it well and apologised profusely and said she didn’t mean the ways things have gone & she didn’t mean to suggest the staying over weekdays instead of weekends because of college. She’s promised she will change and didn’t think I would end things but I just don’t think things can go back to the way they were. What we had was amazing but there was always these underlining issues at play and as other posters said it does put up major concerns/red flags for the future. One part of me thinks this could be the shake up call she needs but these topics have come up previously, & the other majority part in me says it didn’t need to get to this stage for this to happen & what we once had is lost. She’s asked for a 2nd chance to show me that she can change but we’ve been here before, not to the same extent but still around the same issues but nothing has been different. My head is just all over the place

Your head will probably be all over the place for a while to come, but boy did you do the right thing. Let me tell you why...

You can have all the love, romance, flowers, chocolates, walks in the rain and heart to hearts with someone you want... after a year or two of completely paying their way in life that stuff won't mean jack sh*t. Reason being, deep down you'll know you're being taken advantage of.

I learned it the hard way; feeling manipulated and taken advantage of and relied upon by someone who doesn't have the will or maturity to want to contribute to their own existence, financially or otherwise, will wear down any love that you have or had over time.

I think that attributing her attitude to immaturity doesn't even cut it... unfortunately, be it due to upbringing or just a sense of entitlement engrained in their personality, some people just feel that it's their "right" to be looked after, and from what you've described so far, not only did she feel that it was her right, she didn't even seem to appreciate it. That's what really grates... if she was regularly thanking you for all you have done to make her life more comfortable, or going as far as to treat your HM to dinner now and again to show she appreciates the extraordinary leeway your HM is showing, it'd be one thing... but she actually complains that YOU'RE being a pushover when you cover the slack she should be picking up in terms of making allowances for the fact your HM is sharing with two and not one person.

That's a horrible attitude to have and very indicative of a nasty, lazy, entitled person. It doesn't matter how much she begs or pleads now, nothing will undo the side of her personality that she's shown to you, and you're very lucky that you heeded the red flags and had the good sense not to jump into a fully dependable cohabiting situation with this girl.

You sound like a lovely guy who was very willing to keep all parties happy but thankfully you twigged when you were being taken advantage of. It'd be lovely to help support her through her PG until you were both earning more equally had she shown any gratitude or respect for that, but the fact is she didn't, so keep your hard earned cash for yourself and wait until you meet someone who's prepared to act like a financially independent adult before you take the massive step of sharing a home with them.

Life's headaches

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