Has anyone separated from an alcoholic spouse?

wuzziwig · 24-04-2013 12:50pm

Taltos thank you for removing the post. I didn't see it but by the looks of it I'm better off!

Things are still pretty awful here. DH refuses to try and make any sort of separation agreement. I'm meeting my solicitor this afternoon so we can draft a letter to him outlining everything I have tried to do to resolve this as easily as possible, he will have 10 days to respond and if he doesn't then we will have to make a court application to sort out access, the family home etc. It's all such a big mess and some days I feel as if I can't breathe with the stress of it all.

The kids are doing surprisingly well. They seem to be very happy and adjusting well to the situation. I have lots of close family and good friends around me and the support they have given me has been amazing. Even my MIL has been an absolute rock.

wuzziwig · 15-05-2013 1:54pm

Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.

desbrook · 15-05-2013 2:26pm

wuzziwig wrote: »

Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.

As you were probably told nearly everyone at some point receives a solicitors letter like the one your received during a separation . My solicitor received one accusing me of telephone harrasment . There was a lot of calls between my ex and I that one morning - but it was me trying to assist with childcare etc as her aunt had been seriously injured in a fall . There were others too - they unfortunately are part of the game .

One word of advice (although you seem well advised by your solicitor) - Lots of my separated female friends signed not great deals . When I query it their reply is always the same - "I just wanted to get rid of him " . While I understand this sentiment be very careful you don't sell yourself short . Also in Irish law there is no such thing as a "clean break" so one never really gets rid of a spouse .

On a more positive note I'm glad you and the kids are having a better life and are happier . Shocking admission but I don't know anyone who ended a marriage and then regretted it . The decision wasn't taken lightly I suppose.

100200 shih · 15-05-2013 2:57pm

wuzziwig wrote: »

Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.

Hang in there, I kick my ex out nearly 8 years ago for the last time, it was a long hard process & at time I felt that no one was on my side ie courts etc.But you must keep strong.

My ex had me in family court every 12 weeks for a couple of years as he was getting free legal aid he also had social services after I got the barring order. Last year he lost his free legal aid ,& Alas I have no been summons to court.

You should still get a protection order / safety order, as if anything happens the guards can do something there & then as if you don't have these orders , the guards hands can be tied.

Yes in regards lawyers letters , the lawyers are just going threw the process, they heard the same things day in & out. Dont let the letters upset you,

It is so hard at the start of this process , but keep going. I recently got engaged to my partner of 5 years ( the love of my life ) , just finish my bachelors and going on to do my Masters.

Life with my ex was so grey , now my life while somethings hard is fab.

Talk to people at women refuse, they are great , they can talk you thro most things & its someone you can phone when you really need to talk to someone that is out side the family.

wuzziwig · 03-07-2013 3:40pm

I'm still totally in limbo here. My solicitor has tried to have us meet with ex and his solicitor to see if we can sort out things without going to court. He point blank refuses mediation and my solicitor feels that he is so deluded that it wouldn't work anyway. One weeks he says he has dispensed with the services of his solicitor and then the next he has him rehired. We just cannot pin him down to meet. I can apply for a legal separation in September so that is what we are going to do. My solicitor will get court proceedings rolling as soon as she can. It's going to be very costly going the court route but I feel that this is the only way to deal with him now.

He is wrecking my head though. He is messing around with taking the kids when he is suppposed to, constantly sending me a barrage of abusive texts, making decisions one day and then totally backtracking the next. I'm at the end of my tether here. Anyway we are off on holidays for two weeks on Saturday. My phone will be switched off and he won't even enter my head. I badly need this downtime away from it all. Of course he is threatening to move into the house while we are away and be living there when we get back. I don't know if he will seriously try it or if he is doing it just to try and wreck my holiday. I've changed the locks (I've text messages where he has given me permission to do so and my solicitor told me to go ahead) but he doesn't know this yet. So let him turn up at the house and try and get in.

Oh and the best thing of all is that he point blank denies that he is still drinking despite being caught drink driving two weeks ago.

wuzziwig · 03-07-2013 3:41pm

God it's hard to believe it's been 6 months since I first posted this thread. It's a bloody long drawn out process isn't it and the end is nowhere in sight.

Taltos · 03-07-2013 4:17pm

I think you are doing great. Make sure you listen to your own advice and turn off your mobile.
One thing to just check on before you go is your legal standing if he does move back in - see if you can get a letter or direction from your solicitor so that if he is in (worst case) when you call the gardai with this they can handle it easier for you.

In the meantime if you have anyone in the area who can keep an quiet eye on the house and call the gardai maybe have a word with them.

I know it is dragging out for you and yes going through the courts will be costly but at least it is movement in the right direction. Some people cut off their noses to spite their face and your ex sounds like one of those deluded prats.

desbrook · 03-07-2013 4:29pm

Really well done OP . You are gutsy ,an amazing mum I'm sure and a credit to the thousands of women and men in your situation . Rather than deluded, personally I think he is playing a calculated game trying to break your resolve in all this . He knows the cards are stacked against him so he hoping at the last minute you will crack, offer him an over generous deal rather than face the trauma and cost of a judicial separation . From the tone of your last few posts you are remaining strong however and are backed up by a good solicitor - keep it up !

wuzziwig · 03-07-2013 5:16pm

Thanks Taltos and Desbrook. Does the heart good to hear supportive words.

Taltos, the problem is that the house is legally 50% his. I don't have a barring order against him so he probably has every right to move back into the house. I asked him a few times via text if I could change the locks because I wasn't comfortable him having free and easy access to the house. He's the kind that would arrive in the middle of the night and kick off. He said I could so we got a letter drawn up for him and his brother to sign (his brother agreed to be a witness). he wouldn't sign the letter but my solicitor felt the text messages were enough given the circumstances. So I'm not sure legally what I can do to stop him. He's have to break a window or something to get in so maybe he could be done for breaking and entering but is that even possible on your own property? My solicitor is on leave this week so I cant' even ask her before i go.

Desbrook, you could be on to something there. Though I cannot afford to give him anything. It was suggested I buy him out of the house but he refused and I couldn't have raised the money anyway. He isn't giving me a penny towards the kids but does make sporadic contributions towards the mortgage. He's looking after his interests. Obviously more important to him than his kids.

Taltos · 03-07-2013 5:32pm

Ah well, it was worth a shot. OK so legally he has rights access, and if he does make a move then you have clear action - contact your solicitor.
Critical right now you keep a record of all interactions - threats, texts, payments (incl missed or non-payments).

I think desbrook has hit the nail on the head - have seen my brother-in-law play the exact same "long" game with my sister. She nearly broke a few times but once it went to court she trumped home. But that was just for the separation - yes it was costly but like your ex her husband just refused to take the easy and proper path, instead insisting on the courts. Also like your ex he fired his solicitor, re-hired and on and on. Just make sure you have a support network around you - folk you can talk to and vent with. My sister found a weekly trip to a counsellor did her the world of good. For the longest time she blamed herself but through talking it out she has finally learnt to let the fear and self-hate go - as I have said on other threads I now see the sister I remember from my childhood - confident, happy and finally starting to get on with her life. 2 yrs now to the divorce...

Enjoy your holiday and don't let worry of what he might / might not do ruin it on you. So what if he breaks in. There is nothing you can do to stop that - but there will be plenty you or your solicitor can do if he is stupid enough to do that.

Paddy Cow · 08-07-2013 11:03am

Hi op. Fair play to you for being so strong. On the issue of turning off your phone, could you get another phone so that everyone else could contact you if needed but you wouldn't have to worry about getting hassle from your ex? I think extravision are selling basic phones for €35 and you can pick up a new sim card for about €5 or €10. I hope you have a great holiday. You and the kids deserve it

monkeysnapper · 08-07-2013 11:45am

hi op. ive spent ages looking through this and fair play to you. my sister went through a messy divorce with a man that did everything to make her life hell and let his kids down so many times. your on the last lap now , keep going and stay strong, your new life is just around the corner . have a great holiday :0)

anmhi02 · 17-08-2013 2:27am

Hi you,
All I can say is well done and keep going the way you are. You're doing fantastic. I also was married to an alcoholic who made my life hell and also our sons. I tried everything but he was just a nasty drunk who made me feel like his drinking was all in my head. I really questioned my own sanity there for a while. As in your situation he also drank and drove, he crashed the car one night and begged me to take the blame even though I was fast asleep in bed. needless to say I didn't but he still managed to wangle his way out of it. All I can say is thank God he didn't hurt or kill someone.

Eventually I had enough of getting that horrible sick feeling in my stomach each time I heard his key in the door and just waiting for the abuse to start again. I kicked him out and eventually divorced him DIY style but its still legal and I'm divorced.

Our son who was only 6 at the time of divorcing really hated me for kicking his daddy out, not that his daddy ever did anything for our with him. He is now 11 and the happiest child ever. We have spoken many times about his memories of hiss father being drunk and the abuse he gave to me. We have a fantastic relationship cause he feels safe now. My ex had not been in touch with his son since the divorce but my son is happy with this. He doesn't even call him daddy, just refers to him by his first name when we do discuss him.

Life gets better so hang in there. My life turned around the day I kicked him out. I bought my own house, got promoted at work, went on to do 2 post grad diplomas in university and eventually met a wonderful man who is the complete opposite to my ex. Life is pretty damn good. But bloody hell it wad a long road to get here.

keep faith in yourself and remember you're kids happiness. They will thank you in time. You're an amazing woman. Do not let his words or poor me tactics get to you. You did you're best with him.

Good luck to you and your kids xx

wuzziwig · 29-08-2013 4:40pm

Just another quick update. I've cut all contact with my ex. I've changed my mobile phone number as the harassing texts were constant and driving me insane. He now has to go through my sister re access to the kids. Since she has been dealing with it he has been taking them on the days allocated to him. No more messing around, he was only doing it to get to me but now he realises my sister will be a witness to his crap so he's on his best behaviour.

Me and the kids are out of the house again. At the moment we are living with my parents. I won't go into the whole details but he gave me permission to change the locks, I did and we were living happily in the house knowing he couldn't get in, then he broke in and has stayed since. I've called the police to the house but they say they can't do anything. I refuse to live in the same house as him so I felt I had no other option than to move out. We've had the house valued and it's looking like I either buy him out (don't think I can afford to) or we put it on the market. I cannot afford the go to court as the costs are way out of my budget. He's pushing for me to buy him out but I'm happy to sit on it for now. My parents have loads of room for us, they are happy to have us and the kids are blossoming under the love and care they are getting. To be honest I needed a bit of looking after myself after the crap of the last few months and I feel so much better in myself at the moment. I'm going to take my time before I decide my next step.

username123 · 29-08-2013 9:02pm

Best wishes wuzziwig, do allow yourself to be minded for a while, youve been through a lot. Well done so far, you are doing all the right stuff. I hope you are at peace and delighted with yourself for having the strength to look after yourself and the kids.

Pwpane · 29-08-2013 9:05pm

wuzziwig wrote: »

Just another quick update. I've cut all contact with my ex. I've changed my mobile phone number as the harassing texts were constant and driving me insane. He now has to go through my sister re access to the kids. Since she has been dealing with it he has been taking them on the days allocated to him. No more messing around, he was only doing it to get to me but now he realises my sister will be a witness to his crap so he's on his best behaviour.

Me and the kids are out of the house again. At the moment we are living with my parents. I won't go into the whole details but he gave me permission to change the locks, I did and we were living happily in the house knowing he couldn't get in, then he broke in and has stayed since. I've called the police to the house but they say they can't do anything. I refuse to live in the same house as him so I felt I had no other option than to move out. We've had the house valued and it's looking like I either buy him out (don't think I can afford to) or we put it on the market. I cannot afford the go to court as the costs are way out of my budget. He's pushing for me to buy him out but I'm happy to sit on it for now. My parents have loads of room for us, they are happy to have us and the kids are blossoming under the love and care they are getting. To be honest I needed a bit of looking after myself after the crap of the last few months and I feel so much better in myself at the moment. I'm going to take my time before I decide my next step.

OP, I'm glad day-to-day living is so much better for you. I've been in a similar situation to yours and know how relieved you must feel to be secure in your parents' house.

But please, don't let the idea of court go. There must be a way to get a judicial separation if you can only find it. It may be that you don't need to sell the house at all. Perhaps you can live there till the children are grown up and then sell it. Perhaps what you would need to buy him out would be much reduced by a judge, especially if he would be unreliable as regards maintenance so that maintenance was discounted. Perhaps you could get free legal aid if allowances were made for your situation. Perhaps you could get a loan from your family at reduced rates over several years to cover your legal costs.

Please don't give up and make financial decisions that may turn out wrong for you and your children. Draw breath for a while, then have another go. The peace of a judicial separation is worth fighting for.

wuzziwig · 30-08-2013 1:38pm

Thanks Username123, I do feel so much happier now and I feel as if I am finally living my life instead of just existing.

Pwpane, thanks for the sound advice. I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. My ex has a drink driving case pending and it should be heard in a month or two. I'm going to wait until I see the outcome of that anyway. If he's put off the road (I feel his solicitor will get him off on a technicality but I can live in hope he won't) he will have to move as we live out the country and he'd have no transport for work. So then maybe me and the kids could move home. I'll bide my time anyway and see how things pan out.

wuzziwig · 01-10-2013 10:34am

Things are still grinding along slowly here but my solicitor and ex's are trying to set up a meeting between us all for next week. I don't expect much to come from it because how can you reason with a totally unreasonable person? Anyway I've been to the bank and they have given me approval in principle for a figure that I think is fair and should allow me to pay off our current mortgage and buy out his share of the house. I'm praying he accepts it but I know deep down he won't. If he doesn't the next step will be going to court to let a judge decide about the house. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I feel they will be completely dashed but a little part of me lets a glimmer of hope in that me and the kids will be back in our home for Christmas.

newmug · 01-10-2013 9:01pm

Hang in there Wuzziwig! Sometime in the future, you'll look back on this period of your life and laugh with relief. You'll wonder why you were so stressed at all? Its a nasty thing to have to go through, but your kids will be grand, you'll be grand, and it'll all turn out ok.

wuzziwig · 07-10-2013 11:34am

So we are meeting on Wednesday afternoon. I'm starting to feel sick. I don't want to sit in the same room as him but I have to. He has told his solicitor so many lies about me that the man must think I'm a total psycho. I can't believe how nervous I am getting about this. What will I be like if it ever gets to court?

zl1whqvjs75cdy · 07-10-2013 11:40am

I'm sure solicitors take all spouse talk with a pinch of salt OP, they've heard it all before. Just try to keep it cordial if you can, you definitely don't want to lose the plot in the meeting, even though you have every right to. Calm and cool headed. Bring someone with you too I'd say for moral support. Your sister maybe? Or do you have your own solicitor?

wuzziwig · 07-10-2013 12:24pm

Thanks Donkeyoaty. My own solicitor will be with me. She's very level headed and cuts through all the crap. She will do most of the talking. She has told me to keep my mouth shut unless she asks me for any information. I'm happy to let her deal with it because I might let rip with a few home truths if I get started!! I had a really ****ty weekend with the fecker messing access around so I'm just feeling pretty pee'd off because of that. Hopefully after Wednesday things might look better again.

wuzziwig · 10-10-2013 2:38pm

Well I'm none the wiser today. He turned down my offer to buy him out of the family home and initially wanted €30,000 extra. He came down to €19,000 extra. I can't afford that. I might stretch to an extra €5,000 but that would be it. Doesn't he care that if I'm paying back a bigger mortgage his kids are the ones that suffer because they have to do without so I can meet the mortgage payments? I swear that man doesn't give a hoot about his kids. He's a selfish f*ck that only cares about himself. So we're still at the same point but now his solicitor says he is going to issue mine with a notice to put the house up for sale. The thing that's killing me is that he will get €10,000 at most above my offer if we sell. And he avoids the hassle involved with selling. He won't have to be cleaning and maintaining the house for viewings. Most importantly of all his children, who have had their lives turned upside down, will be back in their home. But hey I guess that's not worth €10,000 to him.

aujopimur · 10-10-2013 3:15pm

If I were you I would'nt be making the house too clean or attractive for buyers, a low price might make it easier for you to buy.

clappyhappy · 10-10-2013 3:36pm

Hi wuzziwig, I have been following your situation and I hope things improve for you. It must be very upsetting for you to see how he is making the life of his kids so difficult. If it was me I would be like, ok sort out the shït with me but please protect the kids and let them live a life as normal as possible. You would wonder how can this person change do much, it must be so frustrating for you, but you are doing the right thing.
I hope it's sooner rather than later that all this gets finalised and you and your children can live a quite and happy life. The very best of luck to you .....

wuzziwig · 10-10-2013 3:40pm

aujopimur wrote: »

If I were you I would'nt be making the house too clean or attractive for buyers, a low price might make it easier for you to buy.

He is living in the house at present, me and kids are living with my parents. So he would be the one that has to present the house in a saleable condition. And obviously if he wants it to sell he'll have to have it clean and tidy.

Thanks clappyhappy. Hopefully things will sort themselves out sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser · 11-10-2013 1:06am

wuzziwig wrote: »

Well I'm none the wiser today. He turned down my offer to buy him out of the family home and initially wanted €30,000 extra. He came down to €19,000 extra. I can't afford that. I might stretch to an extra €5,000 but that would be it. Doesn't he care that if I'm paying back a bigger mortgage his kids are the ones that suffer because they have to do without so I can meet the mortgage payments? I swear that man doesn't give a hoot about his kids. He's a selfish f*ck that only cares about himself. So we're still at the same point but now his solicitor says he is going to issue mine with a notice to put the house up for sale. The thing that's killing me is that he will get €10,000 at most above my offer if we sell. And he avoids the hassle involved with selling. He won't have to be cleaning and maintaining the house for viewings. Most importantly of all his children, who have had their lives turned upside down, will be back in their home. But hey I guess that's not worth €10,000 to him.

I don't understand why you are negotiating with the man, even through solicitors. You are getting bogged down in a mire.

Why aren't you going for a legal separation? There is no way a judge would allow this nonsense to continue. If you can afford to buy him out of the house, you can afford a legal separation. When it got to court, if you couldn't afford to buy him out ( eg after paying legal fees) you would be left in the house till the children came of age. After that the house would be sold, and you might be in a much better position then. At court, the children are the primary consideration, which is what you want. They need a roof over their head and that would be provided.

wuzziwig · 11-10-2013 3:13pm

Bndr wrote: »

I don't understand why you are negotiating with the man, even through solicitors. You are getting bogged down in a mire.

Why aren't you going for a legal separation? There is no way a judge would allow this nonsense to continue. If you can afford to buy him out of the house, you can afford a legal separation. When it got to court, if you couldn't afford to buy him out ( eg after paying legal fees) you would be left in the house till the children came of age. After that the house would be sold, and you might be in a much better position then. At court, the children are the primary consideration, which is what you want. They need a roof over their head and that would be provided.

Yes Bndr that is all very true. However the house would have to be sold at some stage (be that when the youngest is 18 or out of fulltime education). Then where do I go? Where do the children still living at home go? The house is built where I grew up. It's near my parents, my friends, my community. It's where I want to live. It's my forever house. I don't want to have to go looking for a new house when I'm in my 50s. I want to secure my future now. I'd much rather use the money to get my house than pay €20,000+ on solicitors fees.

It is not a given that the judge would leave me and the kids in the house either. I know 2 couples that have gone for legal separation in the last two years and the judge ordered the house to be sold in one case and in the other he urged one to buy out the other. I'm trying to buy him out now, I don't need a judge to tell me to do that.

Taltos · 11-10-2013 4:31pm

I would ask your solicitor to talk to his solicitor again. He needs to sell this - make it clear - if he rejects your fair market offer + a discount for the kids then your next step will be the courts. Get advice from your solicitor here on likelihood of you winning - if high then you have an extra weapon - "agree or I will get a court ordered agreement and you will have fees to pay" - now you will too and lets not kid ourselves they can be a lot higher than 10k - so his choice.

Hopefully the solicitor can talk some sense into him or maybe if he has time and a friend to talk it through they can talk sense - but genuinely wish you all the best. Remember these are mind games - don't get sucked in - get your legal advice and follow through. Now maybe that means you lose your "forever house" - but what is more important? - A roof or your peace of mind?

Paddy Fields · 11-10-2013 4:54pm

Wuzziwig, I haven't gone through all the posts on this topic yet but just to say I think you are doing the right thing in taking your children away from this. My father was an alcoholic and he was abusive, mostly verbal/mental not physical though he did hit my mother a few times and I seen the Gardaí haul him off a few times. Coincidentally, I was only chatting to my sister about all this a few days back and we were "reminiscing" about our younger years and how it seemed like one big pub crawl and before we were 12, we must have been in every pub in Dublin city centre/Dublin south.

It's a sh!te life to grow up sitting in a pub with a glass of rasberry and a packet of Tayto then going home to a battlefield of parents that fight all day every day.

Best of luck to you and I hope you get sorted for your own well-being and that of your children.

Has anyone separated from an alcoholic spouse?

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