How to tell the kids?

cartanora · 27-07-2014 1:07pm #1

My husband & I are on a trial separation, and it looks like it will become permanent. We have agreed to just say he was staying at grand dad's house to help grand dad with the farm, but lately dad has been saying things to the boys (6yrs & 4yrs) like, " mommy wont let me sleep at home anymore" or "ask mommy can you stay with me for a night". I don't particularly want that as I would prefer to keep them in a routine, as they are so young, as I'd be afraid that my husband's family would also be bad mouthing me to them too! The reason for the separation was verbal & emotional abuse ( in front of kids) & uncontrollable temper, to the point of physical threats last year. I have initiated the separation because of this, and to protect the kids from being exposed to this sort of upbringing, yet he blames me and is using the kids to hurt me.

what do I say to the children? how do we do it? And how do I handle the situation when daddy points blame on me ??

Henry Ford III · 28-07-2014 9:11pm

It's sad that you are separating, but from what you've said it's understandable.

One word that jumped off the page however was your use of "we". If you are splitting up "we" ceases to exist.

You can discuss and perhaps even agree how, what, when and where you'll tell your kids, but these things seldom go smoothly. There is hurt, emotions will be running high so things sometimes just get said without much thought.

Kids are amazing - as long as they know they are loved they can adapt. Tell them the truth, tell them things will be changing, but your love for them won't.

Best of luck.

desbrook · 30-07-2014 11:10am

The first thing you have to do is let your kids spend time with their dad - quality time ie overnight. Only then can you properly assess your husband and his family's behaviour. At the moment you are stopping him from living in his own home and stopping him seeing his kids properly both of which he could take legal action over.

cartanora · 31-07-2014 2:07pm

Thank you for your honesty. I am not stopping him seeing the kids, he actually sees them every day - and I have been the one to initiate it on a regular basis. A lot of time he doesn't bother with them, and I have to ask him to come to soccer game, or bring them out for a day etc. he always drops them back early, and never even gives them dinner etc. I am probably too easy going. I have no problem with them staying overnight down the line when all is agreed, i.e. regular routine with visitation etc, but its very raw at the moment, and he is saying not nice things about me to the kids, which I feel is unfair to hurt their little feelings...

desbrook · 01-08-2014 11:20am

Effectively though what you are doing is no better than him. You are bringing the children into the conflict with your husband by saying that you will allow overnight access only when YOU decide "things have settled down " .
Behind all this though is that both you and your husband are avoiding the elephant in the room. You need to decide are you splitting for good or not. If you are then you both need to decide how everything is going to work out re- maintainance, the house, access etc. Yes it's scary but it needs to done.

Personally I would advise you to get an appointment with your solicitor for a ball park idea if what you are due. Re the access, discuss sending him a letter offering x nights every week or whatever. It's important that you are not seen to be withholding the kids and have a letter to prove it .

To get back to your original question the standard advice is only approach the kids when you have decided you are definitely splitting. If asked be firm that mammy and daddy won't live together again. Of course it's important to reaffirm that you BOTH love them the same as before.

As an aside - do I sense an alcohol / other addiction problem involved ?

How to tell the kids?

Comments