Raising Another Mans Child

EyesOpen2026 · 23-07-2014 9:06pm #1

My husband of 18 years left me 6 months ago, and on my journey to healing I have discovered the term ‘ Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ and realise he is a 100% fully fledged Narcissist. I worked hard, raised 2 children, loved him, supported him financially (he gave no money to me as I was working to sustain our lifestyle), believed everything he said ( I had no reason not to or so I thought) but That is all he gave me. LIES, LIES, LIES and more LIES. He has broke me both emotionally and financially and as I am picking up the pieces realise I have been well and truly duped. He is such a ‘NICE’ man and a pillar of society but behind it all he is a wonderful actor. He has spread malicious, scandalous Lies about me – my family believe all his nonsence and are supporting him. His family are protecting him and supporting him. He told my Doctor, Marriage Councillors, The Family Therapists Lies and all believe his BS.
I have discovered he has had affairs with men (YES MEN!!!) and women. My ex has fathered a child with an OW, who he is paying maintenance to for the past number of years behind my back. This child is being reared by another man, who thinks the child is his. My question to you all is – should I let this other man know he has been duped and is rearing my Ex`s child? Should I do it anonymously or be up front and let him know it is with my Ex.
My question to the MEN – would you want to know if the child you were raising was yours or not? What would you do if you got a message via letter or text from a stranger stating this fact- would you ignore it or get a DNA test done? Would you prefer a face to face meeting with the person who has this information? What would you do if you discovered that you your child was actually another mans?
My question to the Ladies – Would you let this man know the truth and how would you do it – anonymously or otherwise?
All advice welcome.

Taltos · 23-07-2014 9:17pm

OP - this appears less of a S&D question and maybe more one for the Personal Issues forum - do you want me to move this there?

Taltos

omahaid · 23-07-2014 10:26pm

As a man and a father of 3 I would 100% want to know if a child I believed was mine was not.

diveout · 24-07-2014 9:15am

OP, I know you wanted answers from the men. I have no doubt that the men would want to know.

However, I am going to address another part of your post. There is a lot of help in the literature around Borderline personality disorder, about dealing with smear campaigns. You might investigate this.

If you blow his cover, expect to burn. A narcissist needs to win and dominate. If you humiliate him, which is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist, you will pay. I would be very careful if you think this is what you are dealing with. If you are the only one who knows about this with a motive to disclose, even an anonymous letter will point to you. You will burn. The OW could also be a narcissist. You just don't know what you are dealing with.

And this is a huge thing for a child to discover. HUGE. Be very very careful.

Red Nissan · 24-07-2014 9:27am

Most men would really want to know, children who grow up will often turn for the worse when they find out the truth, truth is the single biggest give parents can give children.

However, in this case I suspect that t is not your place to make the exposure or disclosures. You are removed from the relationship. Maybe let the OW know that you know so she can make the decision, as I see it, the decision is hers top make.

omahaid · 24-07-2014 9:38am

I think the OW made her decision already, i.e. let's keep quiet. As I said already I would really want to know. I couldn't imagine a greater betrayal than that and people suggesting that the husband not be told show that the have no value of fatherhood - "ah sure any man can raise the child, what does it matter?".

tcif · 24-07-2014 11:39am

EyesOpen2026 wrote: »

should I let this other man know he has been duped and is rearing my Ex`s child?

To what purpose? Other than giving him an opportunity to disown the child, a child who is completely innocent of any wrong doing and who loves this man as the only father he's ever known.

desbrook · 24-07-2014 3:55pm

You go into great detail OP about how awful this man is - and that's fine . What I don't understand is why you want to bring him right back into your life - because that's what you'll do with all this . Stupid acts of retaliation now will give him license to come and invade your life . Move on is my advice .

olddub · 27-07-2014 1:12pm

Hi,

Wow... Firstly I was married now splitting from a narcissist. Its hell with constant "I will always win attitude". She even has the gall to call me the narcissist. Anyhow I digress. Similarly I too wonder whether my first child is mine. I initially married for the sake of the kid. I was badgered into by her Mother, and partially thinking she would be ok and would change... Wrong..
If my son was not mine I would have wanted to know and still wonder if I could check if he was. Funny how as soon as he reached the age when he was legal the divorce proceedings arrived. My thought wondered if this was because then I could not from that point on request a DNA test.

As I see it, there are two victims here majorly. The kid obviously will have an issue when it finds out, although at an earlier age you risk damaging its future by loosing a father from its life, and the step dad as he is still in the dark re maintenance and so on. It would have been different if the OW had broke all contact with the biological father after conception. I consider myself to my Son's father regardless if whether I am the biological dad or not. I was the one who got up to feed him and change his nappies in the middle of the night. I was the one who nursed him in hospital when he was sick, and went to work to bring in bread to feed him. So... sorry hes mine. My name is on the birth cert. If however I found out my Son was being maintained by another person behind my back with my partners knowledge then I would be so mad and feel abused. What sort of woman does that. It makes a mockery of a relationship.
So in short as others have said I would be careful. You are playing with people's lives. Are you just seeking revenge on your part, or do you genuinely feel for this guy. If the later then good on you, and your questioning. If not drop it. You will only cause hurt and pain for which your moral compass showed you no direction.

A marriage is based on trust and respect, in this case there is a lack of respect and a major breach of trust.

Also its a ticking time bomb, It could come out by itself who know, and in my judgement a marriage/partnership that's doomed to fail as its based on a lie. And in there the child/children will be doomed to pain anyhow. How many other surrogate kids or illicit affairs would this woman have. If she really genuinely made a mistake should she not have stepped upto the plate way before now?
Maybe she did. maybe the dad knows and is ok with it, question closed, or maybe is a big elephant in the room.

The other question is can you live with it on your conscience and are you being complicit in an attempt to cover it up?
Others may say its nothing to do with you but then again it was your money paying the child maintenance as a couple.

If it were me as I said I would want to know.

olddub.

Eeden · 29-07-2014 10:19pm

It might sound like a selfish position to take, OP, but I think you should try to move on and leave your Ex's problems with this other woman to him.

I understand how you feel, but the bitterness is pouring out of your post, so it seems obviously that you still have a lot to deal with yourself. Placing yourself at the middle of this separate drama is probably the last thing you need.

EyesOpen2026 · 31-07-2014 1:56am

Thank you all for your responses. I do realise it is a very delicate situation. I do genuinely feel for this other guy. He stays at home to mind this child while the childs mother works and socialises (they are not married) and meets my XN behind this guys back. I posted my query to get some opinions as I do not feel it is fair on this innocent man. I know all about the N Rage and have no intention of going there. I do believe the truth will come out some day as my XN has a lot of other issues with financial irregularities so I will leave him to explain this one himself or LIE his way out of it, whatever the case may be. Just reading an article in todays paper regarding the "Married Conman with 3 Lovers" - This guy was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and just reading the article it could have been written about my XN so these conmen / fraudsters do get caught ..... eventually!!

Raising Another Mans Child

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