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Serious Illness and Marriage Problems

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  • 24-01-2013 1:08pm
    #1
    cgh
    Registered Users Posts: 2,180 ✭✭✭


    Well,
    things for me are going in circles,
    where to go next or what to do even.
    to keep it short, the marriage has been rocky for the past 18 months, all of which was my fault. I do have to admit that its all my doing. not going to get into it, but i have admitted my shortcomings and have disclsed all to my wife,
    how ever last summer she was diagnosed with a very serious illness ( not getting into details ) which required surgery and follow on medications and more follow ups,
    she threw me out of the house just before she started her medications,
    this was a shock to me and to most ppl, but we worked on things and i moved back in when she was just too unwell to look after the kids by herself.
    so now we are just trudging along. so refuses to talk about the relationship till she has finished all her treatments, Im sleeping in a spare room and whilst things have normlised to a point, there just seems to be no emotion or connection there anymore.
    so what do I do.
    I am trying to be a carer as best as she lets me be, Im doing pretty much all I can, whislt also trying to be a father, working, etc, but she just wont let me be a husband.
    I'm seeing a counsellor which helps, but she just point blank refuses to deal with the problems in the marriage because her counsellor has said I can wait. to focus on getting well first.
    Just so confused.


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    #2
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    I would agree with her counsellor. Wait. God knows what medications she is on, and what effect that and the stress of being ill has had on her. I can actually understand her getting you to leave initially, she could deal with one big problem in her life (illness) but not two (you).

    If you do not want to give up on your marriage, and hope for a reconciliation you will have to wait till she is physically and emotionally strong enough. Otherwise if you push things now you may end up out on the doorstep again. But what you can do is work on civility and friendship with her. Build on your platonic relationship without any pressure for anything else. It will give you a stronger foundation to move on from either way, once she is well.


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    #3
    mariagoretti
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭mariagoretti


    Ditto. I also would agree with her counsellor. Maybe you can use your counselling sessions to gain support for yourself and explore the marriage issues from your perspective until your wife is well enough. Be patient, serious illness takes an enormous toll on a persons well being, even after treatment she will still need time to recover from the trauma of being ill.
    Take care.


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    #4
    cgh
    Registered Users Posts: 2,180 ✭✭✭cgh


    Just to give a quick update here,

    things had been going ok, we were taking small baby steps, but then every so often we would hit a bump in the road. which we would overcome.
    its been a very hard couple fo years but I had thought we were starting to get on the right road.

    In dealing with past issues my wife has been going to mindfullness and counselling.
    we ha a bit of a row last week and things came to a head.
    we had a good sit down and talk about Trust and Respect. both of which are the foundations I think for a marriage to work.

    during the discussion she had mentioned that during a mindfullness session she now reckons that some of the activities the we did together bordered on me actually sexually assualting her and that I shouldnt react badly to her saying that.

    I'm still in a daze as to what to do or even think.


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