The power/lack thereof of pursuit?

impr0v · 09-10-2008 9:28pm #1

A question ladies..

Say Anne and Barry are friends (this is obviously purely hypothetical) and get on really well. When they meet one-on-one there is clearly chemistry. Barry would like something more to happen, in that he is attracted to Anne, however Anne would seem not to.

In this scenario, does Barry pursue Anne and try to change her mind? And I clearly mean pursue in the old-fashioned sense, like woo her, or something similar, as opposed to down an alleyway with a ski-mask on. Does he make it crystal clear that he likes her and gently suggest that she should give it time and she'll come 'round?

Sounds crap, but you hopefully know what I mean.

I personally believe that if you fancy someone you know it once you've gotten to know them and, if you don't by then, you never will. However, I was talking to a friend of mine recently who said that her husband had pursued her, or 'courted' her (I can't remember the exact phrase she used) for ages, and she eventually overcame her bad first impressions of him.

Have you ever become attracted to someone that you knew for ages, without ever feeling that way about them before?

Madame Razz · 09-10-2008 9:39pm

impr0v wrote: »

.

Have you ever become attracted to someone that you knew for ages, without ever feeling that way about them before?

Yes. Most definately yes. But I think in these types of situations there is defiantely something in the beginning, it just manifests itself differently to the typical initial spark/chemistry; sometimes it manifests itself as just getting on really well; sometimes as not getting on at ALL, and sometimes both parties don't even notice; but others do.

Then BAM!!!! and it can be great, awkward at first a little maybe; but great.

So i wouldn't say woo her; but rather, tactfully put yourself in the right place and the right time; and wait for the BAM to happen!!!

Its not uncommon for women to be oblivious; soemtimes we choose to be; sometimes we really just are. I have been genuinely surprised by many a mans interest; I certainly didnt see it coming more than once or twice, for whatever reason; usually a stupid one!!

Just go for it. Life isnt a dress rehearsal after all....what have you got to lose!!!

She Devil · 09-10-2008 11:42pm

I'd say woo her, because you don't want to enter the just friends zone.
Be so cute, and so irresistable, if she can't see that she will have a good potential boyfriend then it won't work, but show her how nice and loving you can be. Best of luck with it.

Zaph · 10-10-2008 12:57am

Yeah, purely hypothetical. Sure. :rolleyes:

Moved from The Ladies Lounge.

Beruthiel · 10-10-2008 7:39am

Ok, now that this is in PI, I want to know, is the 'purely hypothetical' you and Anne?
We only deal in real life issues here.
B

Peewee_lane · 10-10-2008 8:31am

Yep, had the whole Ann and Barry thing before. My worked out like this -

Barry fancied Ann. Ann did not know, thought their explosive chemistry was due to a long standing fantastic, close friendship.

Barry repressed his feelings, too embarassed to come clean. Ann did not know. The friendship became difficult. Ann started to fall for Barry. Ann broke up with one of Barrys friends, who insisted that Barry either be friends with him or her.

Barry was an idiot. He should have told the other friend to grow up, but did not have much confidence and told Ann he couldnt be friends with her anymore.

All alone, Ann realised that she loved him and he told her it could not happen.

Ann moved away for 3 years.

Ann came back, eveyone had grown up, friends again and chemistry again.

Both in long term relationships though, so... moral is, dont let it turn into a soap drama, bite the bullet. Say you have the feelings. I would be flattered, not annoyed and if the girl is mature enough to cope with whether she does or not have feelings for you, you should go from there.

Hope this helps?

Burial · 10-10-2008 10:12am

I think everyone has come to a scenario like this at some stage in our lives. However, from the sounds of it, you've told her you like her and she said no. You see the chemistry, she doesn't. You can't do anything more then what you've done already. What you don't want is to make every meeting with her, a constant "Go out with me". Soon she'll not want to hang around with you. My opinion/advice to you is to tell her [Which you've done] and then accept her decision.

Many will advice "Keep trying", but then you have to accept that she won't want to be friends with you anymore, until your feelings for her die down, or she might just go out with you, just so things go back to normal. The only way she'll go out with you for real, is if she suddenly realises she loves you, which hasn't happened for X amount of years so why would she think differently when you are still the same person you are when ye met? Just my 2c.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2008 2:50pm

Yep. There was a guy in work, he was v. cute but didn't take much notice of him as we didn't work together, and I didn't realy know him. One night out with work folk, we ended up being the last two there and I got 'woo-ed'.

Sometimes girls need it spelt out to them as well! Go and woo, be charming but do flirt and let her know you like her. Then see what happens. Good luck

impr0v · 10-10-2008 8:17pm

Oh gawd I have a personal issue!!!

No Beruthial, as you can probably guess, it's not completely hypothetical. However, I did want it to stay at a theoretical level because to me it's, as one or two have pointed out, a cliched situation and one that is impervious to all forms of advice.

I think I phrased the proposition badly because, without taking away from the fact that all such replies are well-meant and generally advice I agree with, I didn't really want to hear 'go for it.'

Without doing so in explicit terms I have effectively declared my interests, and the "Anne" in this case is an intuitive girl, but it was unfortunately an unsuccessful exercise. I would consider myself intuitive as well and I didn't declare my interests completely unprompted, i.e. there were definitely promising signs, but as this particular girl is quite young and, in some ways immature, I think to her it was more about the flattering attention than anything else.

I've been on the merry-go-round long enough to know that these situations crop up again and again and that's life and, as long as one doesn't take any bitterness from it and writes it off as experience, there's not much harm that comes from it.

What I really wanted was, as a result of my friend's comment, to canvass female opinions as to whether or not wooing can really change ambivalence into affection.

(Thanks to all that replied!)

nobodythere · 10-10-2008 8:54pm

OP,

there have been times I have liked but not been liked - and just let it go. Cue impending heart wrenching etc etc.

Do us a favour and find out if wooing her will actually work (nothing to lose?).... then report back

LegacyUser · 10-10-2008 11:01pm

I think you can definitely change someone's mind. I've been good friends with a guy for years and years. I always knew he was a great person and would have made a good boyfriend but I had just never thought of him for me in that way, in hindsight I think it's because I was an idiot! He liked me the whole time but never told me, he had given up thinking it would ever happen, but there was definitely courting that I was just too stupid to see. I'm not sure what happened but I just saw him in a different light one day, started to fancy him although I wasn't sure whether he still liked me or if I would ruin our friendship. To cut a long story short, I made a move, we got together and he is the most wonderful person I have ever had in my life, I just love everything about him (sorry if I'm making anyone sick!!), I'm still kicking myself for having wasted so many years like a plonker. So I would say if you really like someone just go for it, you never know how it may turn out...:)

The power/lack thereof of pursuit?

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