BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder

Are u a private or public patient? I ask cause if ur private u might have a better chance of getting a new go cause it's cash in hand. He should have referred u regardless of the waiting list.

Tbh I was gonna suggest go to A & E. Why won't u go to one? If that's the step u got to take, you've got to take it otherwise the problem is just to persist and get worse.

Iv done DBT, and honestly it has been beneficial to me. How about try thinking, maybe I won't be driven as demented, maybe I'll handle it better than I think and it might now be as bad as I would expect to be....

It might be the bridge u have to cross, it will probably be the most difficult but if u cross it it will be a big weight off ur shoulders, that u have done the right thing and ur doing it for the benefit for ur mental health.

Go. If u can't handle it, thats ok... But try again. At the moment it seems like your only option.

There really is no harm in trying, what ever you do I hope ul be in a better place, but sometimes we have to make the uncomfortable choice of going ahead nd facing that fear and doubt head on.

Take care, keep trying.

VENT:CONTEXT:HISTORY

I would say I've had a very different experience in life than anyone else.

I've had more trauma than most people which has given me more anxiety around people and has made me more destructive towards myself in my thoughts and perceptions of myself and therefor the choices I make. 

My upbringing was unstable and periodically abusive or volatile. Never perfectly stable.

Middle class family of divorce and some functional alcoholism. 

I could have been born with a brain that deals with distress less well than others or my brain could have learned to adapt to a scary, frightening atmosphere, where the way to safety was unclear and unstable. 

Unstable upbringings make emotionally unstable people. 

I find I go to escape or panic quicker than others, which is a sign of traumatic life events like fearing my caregivers as a child.

I will sometimes chose to be around abusive people as I am fearful of loneliness. Its a desperate need to be part of a tribe for the sake of survival. Perhaps also gravitating towards familiar styles of people. I've hung out with bullies, junkies and weirdos.

Perhaps I've been seeking the familial acceptance that I never got when I was younger. A need to be validated. A need to have someone tell me I'm not crazy and what I think and feel is correct and appropriate.

A need to be accepted, that usually goes unmet. 

My relationships with friends and family are usually unstable. With family it's understandable because if your family are actually abusive people who invalidate you, then it makes sense to not get along with them.

I have very few friends, which I would say is half due to moving so much as a kid, I moved 3 times before I turned 14.

In my 20's I lived in a cheap apartment, claimed the dole and smoked weed everyday, till around 26, when everyone in the apartment block got kicked out and I returned to an abusive family situation.

I lived with my dad until I was kicked out at the age of 29 and basically didn't know how to do anything. I was suicidal, depressed, addicted to weed and drink and very anxious at the time. I had to stay in a tourist hostel for a few weeks, which really through me into a spiral.

After the hostel I lived in 7 owner occupied houses as a licensee with no tenant rights. I was frequently abused, threatened and manipulated by landlords/ladies.

Anyway, now I'm 33. I go through jobs on a bi weekly basis. Longest I've lasted in a job most recently is 4 months. I've worked in retail, pub kitchens, factories, supermarkets, nursing and then started working in office jobs. I find it very hard to deal with work people and their often toxic personalities. Managers on a power trip and bully colleague's, I find the hardest to deal with.

I got a therapist a couple years ago and speak with her weekly.

I rent rooms in house shares, with strangers and to say that it's difficult is a total understatement. My housing situation is constantly in a state of instability. I think everyone deals with bad room mates so that's normal, but for me the distress is unbearable. People can be so vicious and cruel.

The last house share I was in, I befriended a housemate they all hated and then they turned on me, bullied me out of the house by calling the police on me twice.

Same thing is happening in the house share I'm in now. I always start out friendly and helpful, then a falling out happens over something stupid, it devolves into communication breakdown, the point of no return passes and then a divorce like scenario occurs.

My situation is permanently f~cked and it's difficult to know what parts of my life are broken because of BPD or which parts are broken just from regular people problems.

Vent over.