Hassle from gay at work

fire_man · 12-04-2014 8:16pm #1

I work in an open plan office.A gay man is full time passing remarks about my clothes and asking do I work out etc.They are all good remarks but I'm getting tired of it now. Somedays i would like to tell me him where to go but i don't want to make a scene.Has anyone experienced this before.What should i do?

Chimichangas · 12-04-2014 8:30pm

not enough info i think.
how long has this been going on? do you work out? do you dress to impress? do you actually think this guy is coming on to you or just complimenting you for how you look? What is it thats bugging you?

Maybe you could do something so you dont get the attention...? lots of pizza, less deoderant..?

That said I wonder if this is the same as the unwanted attention that women can get from office co-workers? What kind of advice would you give them?

Chimichangas · 12-04-2014 8:34pm

Maybe tell the guy to cut down on the remarks all the time, that all the praise is so over the top you are beginning to think its not sincere. less is more etc.

Then if it continues or he doesnt start acting more like an office colleague, thiink about going to your manager and mention that you are feeling uncomfortable about the unwanted attention.
be sure that youre not just being homophobic about it.

fire_man · 12-04-2014 8:58pm

Its being going on a couple of months,he is a sound but some days im be in the mood for him.Maybe i just feel uncomfortable getting comments about looks etcs from another male.I would be quiet shy aswell.

ElizaT33 · 12-04-2014 9:02pm

Maybe just let him overhear you A LOT talking about women you are seeing etc. He'll soon back off. You should be flattered - you must be very handsome!!:D

fire_man · 12-04-2014 9:10pm

Thanks I will try that approach!!

MissPink · 12-04-2014 9:30pm

Think about it, if it was a straight male passing comments at a female colleague, she'd have him for harassment in the workplace.

I'd ask in a nice way for him to stop, and if it continued, I'd take it further!

howtomake · 12-04-2014 9:37pm

fire_man wrote: »

Thanks I will try that approach!!

Err, the nice but direct approach is better. Some people can be quite thick and hard headed, hearing what they want to hear, or just plain misinterpreting what you say and then its twisted, etc etc etc. Just because you are a fellow male doesn't mean you have to put up with this kind of attention "at work" (you know where you're supposed to work) anymore than I would have to just because I'm a female.

hfallada · 12-04-2014 9:38pm

Have you considered that he maybe is just trying to form a friendship with you? Some gay men struggle having a conversation with straight men, as they often only talk about football, rugby, women,gym etc. This might be the only thing he has to talk to you about. Try and think about the last 10 conversations you have had with him and they probably are 100% innocent.

Despite what you see in the media, not all gay men want to sleep with any man that moves. Being a gay males means there isnt much for him to talk about with a man like yourself and its easy for him to be isolated with nothing to say. I would see his comments as just all he has to talk about and nothing more.

crazygeryy · 12-04-2014 9:52pm

if its unwanted and consistent its sexual harassment/bullying.
take him aside and tell him in no uncertain terms it has to stop and if it doesnt you will go further with it.you can do this in a nice diplomatic way and perhaps it wont end up in a shouting match.
but nip it in the bud.once or twice is enough to be told you look nice, anymore than that hes being a dick and should be told to STOP.
if any male or female kept commenting on my appearance or what i wear i would tell them where to go.

zarquon · 12-04-2014 9:53pm

hfallada wrote: »

Have you considered that he maybe is just trying to form a friendship with you? Some gay men struggle having a conversation with straight men, as they often only talk about football, rugby, women,gym etc. This might be the only thing he has to talk to you about. Try and think about the last 10 conversations you have had with him and they probably are 100% innocent.

Despite what you see in the media, not all gay men want to sleep with any man that moves. Being a gay males means there isnt much for him to talk about with a man like yourself and its easy for him to be isolated with nothing to say. I would see his comments as just all he has to talk about and nothing more.

So you are saying that gay men are not interested in football rugby or gym then? That some stereotyping there! In any case the OP has stated that the excessive flattering of the guy in particular is making him very uncomfortable so it's a bit much to propose he is just having a conversation.

If i hit on women in work constantly could i use the argument that i don't share there interests in clothes, shoes and shopping :rolleyes: - Your argument is completely ridiculous.

This is typical of the double standard in society, if a guy harasses a woman he is a creep. If someone harasses a guy they are just being flirty, friendly, etc.

crazygeryy · 12-04-2014 9:54pm

Chimichangas wrote: »

not enough info i think.
how long has this been going on? do you work out? do you dress to impress? do you actually think this guy is coming on to you or just complimenting you for how you look? What is it thats bugging you?

Maybe you could do something so you dont get the attention...? lots of pizza, less deoderant..?

That said I wonder if this is the same as the unwanted attention that women can get from office co-workers? What kind of advice would you give them?

is that a joke?
why should he change for that idiot.

whirlpool · 12-04-2014 10:51pm

Wait - you're not a fireman?

whirlpool · 12-04-2014 10:58pm

It's been going on for a few months and you haven't really reacted to him. I think you've restrained yourself and been pretty fair so far. IMO it doesn't matter if you're gay straight male female or if they're gay straight male or female, the combination of the two people involved does not matter; if you're getting constant compliments about the way you look from someone you're not attracted to, I think most people would eventually start to find that uncomfortable.

The fact that you've specified that it's a gay guy and you're a straight male has probably skewed some people's instinctual responses to your issue. The simple issue is that you're getting constant compliments from someone you're not attracted to, it's been going on a few months now and (understandably) it's starting to bother you. The fact that you're male and he's male, or that you're straight or that he's gay is irrelevant. The only way that that would be relevant would be if you were homophobic, which would be a separate issue anyway.

I've been in your situation (although I don't get asked if I work out :pac: ) more than once, actually, where I was getting constant attention from someone and I didn't like it. I didn't know how to handle it. I ended up just being cold with them and unresponsive. I didn't ignore them but I stayed out of their way and gave them one word answers and a short, awkward laugh if they said anything that made me uncomfortable and then I just left their presence.

I don't know how you can confront them about it, realistically, because no matter what the outcome of it I don't think anybody will feel good afterwards.

Maybe just learn to relax a bit more and avoid him when you can.

December2012 · 12-04-2014 11:22pm

Do you feel harassed?

You don't have to take it as a compliment and you don't have to put up with it.

Next time, you could say "please stop talking about my appearance".

garhjw · 13-04-2014 10:45pm

Have a quiet word with the guy or send him an email saying some of his comments make you feel uncomfortable.

Ray Palmer · 14-04-2014 12:42pm

December2012 wrote: »

Do you feel harassed?

You don't have to take it as a compliment and you don't have to put up with it.

Next time, you could say "please stop talking about my appearance".

I think the point is this has to be handled delicately. Saying something along the lines of " Thank you for the complement but it makes me uncomfortable and I would prefer if you didn't comment on my appearance any more, thanks"

Saying it in private out of the earshot of others would be best too.

Glinda · 15-04-2014 12:42pm

It doesn't matter one bit whether this behaviour is by 'a gay' (whatever that means - I presume you mean a person who happens to be gay) or not, the point is that unwanted behaviour which is sexual or has sexual overtones, even if it's meant in a complimentary way (think builders and wolf-whistles at young women) is a big no-no, especially in the workplace.

Persistent unwanted behaviour like this is sexual harassment. I am surprised to see so many people advising the OP to 'take it as a compliment' or to somehow try to attract less attention from this person. I doubt this would be the advice if the OP was a young woman and the person making the unwanted remarks was her older male boss. At least, I thought that type of advice went out with the Ark. I agree with the posters who advise tackling the situation directly and assertively -

The proper way to handle this OP is to let the person know, politely but very directly that you find their remarks inappropriate. You also need to ask them explicitly and directly to stop making these remarks.

I would say this quite directly; "Look, please don't make remarks about my appearance - that makes me really uncomfortable. I appreciate you may not have realised before but please would you not do that in future".

Most reasonable people will stop. Nicer people will be mortified - they won't have realised they are causing a problem and will apologise profusely.

Someone who persists after this kind of request will need to be handled much more firmly and formally, but you'd be surprised how many people will stop if you ask them directly.

I hope you get this sorted soon - don't put it off, it won't improve with time.

geddylee · 15-04-2014 2:45pm

I remember in a place I used to work,there was a gay supervisor and he was always flirting with fellas he fancied,ie hugging touching etc,and he used to hide in rooms on his own and constantly state at men he liked working.anyway,one fella made a record of all his attention and went to he and had a word with them.whatever he said to the gay man it spooked him and he was a changed person after that.

geddylee · 15-04-2014 2:49pm

Human resource need to be informed beefier you approach the gay man in case he flips

Ash.J.Williams · 15-04-2014 2:54pm

Have a quiet word, put him straight...remain friendly...if he doesn't listen to that then report him. If you think he is sound then all the better, no need to make a scene.

qdawg86 · 16-04-2014 12:14am

geddylee wrote: »

Human resource need to be informed beefier you approach the gay man in case he flips

Riiiiiight.....

blindsider · 17-04-2014 12:27am

geddylee wrote: »

Human resource need to be informed beefier you approach the gay man in case he flips

They don't - unless it is explicitly stated in the Employee Handbook. The OP might consider telling his boss but it's optional.

Glinda's advice above is absolutely spot-on - it's a really excellent post.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2014 10:05am

I had this from two female colleagues ago few years ago.

It started out as mildly entertaining and then became very uncomfortable.

I just said it to them. Basically said: look while you probably think it's a bit if a laugh, it's actually interfering with my ability to work and it's really starting to become a bit creepy. We're colleagues, I want to remain friends but this is now stepping over the line and straying into being sexual harassment. Could you please behave more like my colleagues?

Worked a charm! Think I made them think.

With a guy, I'd see no difference either. I'm not offended by guys flirting with me anymore than women flirting with me. It's all about the context though. In work you're working, in the pub or club or wherever else you're socialising.

You also can't easily get away from a colleague where as somebody in another context can be moved away from and ignored.

Very different contexts!

seannash · 17-04-2014 10:29am

Jesus people are quick to throw out the sexual harassment claims.

So how often has he complimented you?
Maybe he thinks your closer than you think and is speaking to you like a friend (I tell female friends when they look nice or if they have lost weight etc.)

He might know that your shy and is trying to build up your confidence by paying you lots of compliments.

I think your title of your thread speaks volumes though. If this was a female I think you wouldn't care as much or even a straight man.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2014 10:38am

That's the thing though, you can't really flirt at work. One person's idea of a bit of banter can be something that the other person is finding excruciatingly awkward.

That being said though, it happens all the time and mostly its harmless and countless people meet their partners at work too...

I'd just caution the OP to think about how serious it is first. If its just paying you complements on your clothes and stuff, that's maybe not even flirting. The guy might just be more comfortable being direct about stuff like that in a way your straight friends might not be.

I'd just be careful that you're not tuning in more because he's gay though.

It's all a bit of a careful balance at work though. There are definitely lines.

I would start by just explaining to him (non confrontationally) that it's not making you feel very comfortable.

Just 'could you lay off the comments on my appearance thanks…'

seannash · 17-04-2014 10:43am

SpaceTime wrote: »

That's the thing though, you can't really flirt at work. One person's idea of a bit of banter can be something that the other person is finding excruciatingly awkward.

No you should have said you cant flirt with certain people at work.
We dont know the extent or even what was being said. Perhaps the OP is being overly sensitive.

Either way the sexual harassment claim is a bit strong.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2014 10:46am

seannash wrote: »

No you should have said you cant flirt with certain people at work.
We dont know the extent or even what was being said. Perhaps the OP is being overly sensitive.

Either way the sexual harassment claim is a bit strong.

The issue is that if its persistent, annoying and inappropriate... Then it is sexual harassment.

I had a two colleagues (male and female) wolf whistling me when I picked up anything off the ground or if I wore a T-shirt!!

That became very annoying after a week and I had a word with them about it!

Someone telling me that the like my clothes or whatever isn't in that category at all though.

The HR definitions also often set the bar very low, so it's very worth being aware of where the line is!

seannash · 17-04-2014 10:52am

SpaceTime wrote: »

The issue is that if its persistent, annoying and inappropriate... Then it is sexual harassment.

I had a two colleagues (male and female) wolf whistling me when I picked up anything off the ground or if I wore a T-shirt!!

That became very annoying after a week and I had a word with them about it!

The HR definitions also often set the bar very low, so it's very worth being aware of where the line is!

To be fair if you get tired of a running gag after a week you seem like a bit of a stick in the mud. Its akin to the whole pub cheering when a glass is smashed.
I algree with you that compiments on your clothing aren't in that category and to be fair the OP hasn't really given us much to go on.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2014 10:56am

seannash wrote: »

To be fair if you get tired of a running gag after a week you seem like a bit of a stick in the mud. Its akin to the whole pub cheering when a glass is smashed.

That's not the same thing at all. The running gag becomes you personally, that's the problem.

partyguinness · 17-04-2014 11:07am

Look, if the OP is being made uncomfortable at work, it is not for everyone else here to start judging what is and what is not harassment etc etc. It doesnt matter what the rest of us think.

Bottom line, the OP is being made feel uncomfortable at work end of.

Have a quite word with your colleague and explain firmly but politely your concerns. That should stop it.

Oh and keep a note of the date and conversation for future reference.

Alf Veedersane · 17-04-2014 11:50am

crazygeryy wrote: »

is that a joke?
why should he change for that idiot.

Maybe switch on the sarcasm detector.

Though I'm not sure how you're able to justify calling the person in the OP an idiot.

Sir Chops · 17-04-2014 7:23pm

fire_man wrote: »

I work in an open plan office.A gay man is full time passing remarks about my clothes and asking do I work out etc.They are all good remarks but I'm getting tired of it now. Somedays i would like to tell me him where to go but i don't want to make a scene.Has anyone experienced this before.What should i do?

This is sexual harassment pure and simple. Get HR involved and get him sacked.

MagicMarker · 17-04-2014 7:32pm

Yes, the OP is being made uncomfortable at work but from what he's said here I have as much reason to believe his discomfort is his own doing than that of "the gay".

OP, what exactly is this person saying to you? From what you say he asked you if you worked out, I assume he only asked you once? And other than that he comments on your clothes? What else does he say? Because tbh those things seem harmless to me.

Mrs OBumble · 18-04-2014 10:17am

Sir Chops wrote: »

This is sexual harassment pure and simple. Get HR involved and get him sacked.

Hate to break it to you, but unless gross misconduct has occurred (and it hasn't), then the ideal outcome is for the offending employee to learn why his/her behaviour is not workplace-acceptable, to apologise, and not to do it again. No sackings in sight.

fire_man · 18-04-2014 5:22pm

They are fairly harmless but it gets pretty annoying making comments about what i'm wearing each day etc,makes me feel uncomfortable.

MagicMarker · 18-04-2014 5:33pm

fire_man wrote: »

They are fairly harmless but it gets pretty annoying making comments about what i'm wearing each day etc,makes me feel uncomfortable.

If he was a woman or even a straight man would you feel uncomfortable?

SpaceTime · 18-04-2014 6:20pm

Just tell him to lay off the comments on your clothes.
He could just be very pass remarkable!

I've a straight friend (and former colleague) who will say 'nice coat'.. 'Nice shoes..where did ya get them'. 'Like your hair …' and so on.

He's not flirting, he's just comfortable enough to pay another guy complements.

Women do it all the time! Guys generally don't as its maybe a bit 'gay', but increasingly nobody cares and seeming a bit 'gay' isn't an issue.

If it's not sexual in nature, try having a word with him (diplomatically) before anything HR.

dd972 · 26-04-2014 1:11am

Tread carefully with this, best to probably ignore it, if it's brought up as an issue and becomes a topic of conversation the rumour mill would go bonkers if it's connected with Gays in any way and could end up with you being painted as an 'in the closet, self-hating homophobe'. There's a Franz Kafka quote that in the modern world the irrational becomes the rational and lies become the truth.

Hassle from gay at work

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