Unplanned.....

The Highwayman · 21-05-2015 3:38am #1

Hi, so as the title suggests I found out 5 days ago my girlfriend (28) is pregnant. I'm 42, neither of us have any children. We have had the conversation about children and I explained to her as every other girlfriend I've ever had that I have no interest in ever being a father.
Now I'm not proud to say but part of me feels this may not be a complete accident. She says that is not what happened, but he is under the impression that I'll be a great dad and will love the idea when I get used to the idea.
As you can imagine there has been little other than this on my mind since she told me and I'm still 100% sure it's not what I want In life.
Now we are not living in Ireland at the moment (she is not Irish) We live in a country where termination up to 12 weeks is fine. She is 8 weeks gone today. I've told her I don't want to be a father and would elect for termination.
She is very confused, sad , scared and I totally understand that however I can't be positive about the pregnancy.
We were about to move in together in July but I have no idea if that will happen now. I feel if she does go ahead with termination she will resent me and the relationship will be broken. If she doesn't I don't know if the relationship will work out either. I have a brother living in a different country from his son and I don't want to end up like that as well.
What I'm looking for is some advice, I imagine there will be some hate for me as well , man up to your responsibilitys etc.
Any helpful advice would be great.

Thank you.

poeticmakaveli · 21-05-2015 3:42am

Man I think you should accept it and embrace it! It is a gift and I'm sure it will be something you will be happy with as soon as she has it! If you both love each other it should be all the more special! Have faith man!! Have a nice life with a nice family! Nothing more important than that!!

mocha please! · 21-05-2015 6:01am

God that's a tough situation to be in, and I really feel for you.

First of all I'd suggest perhaps moving this thread to the Personal Issues or Relationship Issues forum, as you're really not going to get unbiased opinions in the Parenting forum.

Why do you think it's not an accident - what contraception was being used?

If you're 100% sure it's not what you want, but she doesn't want a termination, I'm really sorry but I feel your relationship with her is over. It's her choice, at the end of the day, whether she wants to have this baby or not. Don't push too hard to influence her - make it clear that you'll support her financially to bring up the child (because it's the only responsible thing to do) but that you can't be part of the child's life or her life anymore. It's her decision.

If she opts for a termination, do try your best to salvage the relationship. But there may be trust issues present if you're not sure it was an accident? Also, thinking long-term, if she's even considering going through with the pregnancy it would seem you're not compatible in terms of what you want from life - having children or not is such a major consideration in a relationship.

In the meantime, I'd suggest looking into what support is available locally for your girlfriend - it would be good for her to get some unbiased opinions on the situation too.

I don't think you're an awful person for not wanting to be a father. You were clear about that, as you said, and if she didn't feel the same, then this situation was always going to be a possibility. No contraception is foolproof.

bp · 21-05-2015 6:44am

I think regardless of the outcome you should look into the snip - no method is fool proof but this one should put the responsibility of contraception back on you.

Regarding the pregnancy you both need time to think and discuss the options. A termination, I imagine, will have a profound psychological effect on her and possibly you in the future.

Good luck with whatever route you take

jopax · 21-05-2015 7:17am

Hi op,

I agree that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a father.

The problem with that is that you have made her pregnant and you just want her to terminate it which is fine if she wanted that too. However if she is not sure about it, she will be the one living with this guilt, definitely not you.

I think you are being incredibly selfish and very emotionally detached towards her feelings.

You are old enough to take the situation for what it is and support your girlfriend either way.

She is the vulnerable one here not you, stop just thinking about yourself, your a grown man I'm sure you can handle what comes your way.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 7:39am

I think the mimimum you can do is make it very clear what you want. So if you don't want to be a father then she knows for certain whether or not she would be on her own raising this child, it will influence her decision, one she hasn't much time to make, or if you are going to embrace fatherhood.

It is also very likely that you will break up either way because either way, one of you is going to resent the other one.

She is only 28, if you do opt out, let her go while she still has a chance. Don't waste her time.

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 7:57am

I also agree that there is nothing wrong about not wanting to have children or to be a father.

However..... If she has stated that she want the baby, or does not want a termination, imo it would be extremely wrong to convince or to try sway her otherwise. I'm pro choice, and if she wants a termination that would be up to her. But if she wants the baby, yet opts for termination due to your influence, this will haunt her for the rest of life. If she ever had kids, it will possibly affect her even more then, knowing and ultimately seeing in the flesh what she has lost. I know a couple women who have NEVER gotten over the loss of their baby through a termination. And this was when it was a termination of completely their choice! A couple others I know who have had a termination are fine and think it was definitely the right thing to do and think no more about it. But again, they never wanted a baby in the first place.

Imo it would be very very wrong to put sway onto your GF for a termination if she does not initially want one. She may feel bullied into it with the thoughts of being a single mum or of the thoughts/threats of being without you. Give her all the support you can, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. Having said that, be honest. Make her aware its not what you wanted and your not sure if you want to be a father. And also you can't guarantee you will have future. But support HER. Dont sway her into Doing something which she may possibly regret for the rest of her life. It may have a profound psychological effect on her.

pwurple · 21-05-2015 8:00am

Well, you f-e that up anyway.

The attempt to persuade her into a termination was an attempt to go back in time... But it's happened. No time machine available, so deal with the present.

Pressuring her into an abortion she doesn't want will break the relationship.
Abandoning her and your child will obviously break the relationship.

You could discuss adoption.

Or you have the option of giving it a go.

The Diddakoi · 21-05-2015 8:07am

......and might be a good idea to book yourself in for a vasectomy, so you don't get stuck in the same situation again.

mirrorwall14 · 21-05-2015 8:10am

Were you wearing protection?

To be honest OP I'm with the consensus here, the bell cannot be unrung and trying to persuade your girlfriend to have an abortion would be horrific.

You've made your views known, one way or the other it is up to her now. It's a horrendous position to put her in, she is pregnant whether you or she's likes it or not and she has to decide.

Did you put your foot down (so to speak) or did you say you would support her either way? Because if it's the former I think that's an awful thing to do to her

HIB · 21-05-2015 8:58am

Yoiu have to support her in whatever decision she makes, and let her make the decision. If you convince her to terminate, you'll probably end up feeling guilty about it later. And if she has the baby and you don't support her, and don't get to know your child, you'll also end up feeling bad probably.

For your own sanity, and well being, let her make the choice, then suck it up, and deal with it.

You might be surprised. You might look back and think this was a good thing someday. It's kind of hard to feel anything but good about your offspring. You're kind of genetically programmed to think they're awesome!

Teyla Emmagan · 21-05-2015 9:10am

If you really don't want the baby then I think you should stick to your guns until she makes up her mind. Don't make any promises right now that you can't keep. If you tell her you will support her either way and she keeps the baby because of that, then you're really in trouble if you can't handle it. She is the one pregnant. She needs to make a decision based on you possibly not being there. I wouldn't be keen on the 'oh you'll love it when the idea sinks in approach'. You really may not.

Also I don't think this is the right forum for your problem.

cbyrd · 21-05-2015 9:31am

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

Neyite · 21-05-2015 9:50am

Mod:
Moving to PI

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 9:52am

cbyrd wrote: »

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

100% agree with your entire post. And when you say book that appointment I'm taking it you mean for the vasectomy

.

incaseiforget · 21-05-2015 10:15am

cbyrd wrote: »

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

Well said! She didn't get pregnant on her own!! Your pushing 50. Take some responsibility. ..and drop the "woe is me"
You are adamant that you don't want kids. ..100% your choice. .but did you make sure that was not going to happen.
Will you please consider the snip as previously stated -you don't want this to happen again.
Time to make a decision....your decision.

CaraMay · 21-05-2015 10:24am

So what you are saying is that you got to 42, knowing you'll never want kids, yet you chose never to have a vasectomy. Now your gf is pregnant and you blame her (forgetting you chose not to have a vasectomy) and you now want her to have an abortion against her will. Shocking!!!

The bottom line is ye are going to break up over this. If I were her I would be running a mile from you. A lot if people don't want kids and that's fine but typically they do the adult thing and ensure it never happens whereas you take the lazy option and then blame her.

You don't have you be a dad. You can choose to move on with your life and pay her some child support. Given your current mindset, that's probably best for all involved.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 10:37am

I think you need to decide with absulute certainty very soon, what your role will be. Do not tell her you will be there if you wont be.

Be advised there is often no turning back from this, if you change your mind up the road and want to meet your 10 year old child, chances are you will be told to go **** yourself. You will be a stranger and you will have a very hard road to come back from.

Or you may still not want to be involved, but you may get letters from a child wanting to know who his or her father is, and you will have to contend with that also.

Neyite · 21-05-2015 10:39am

Mod:

Just a reminder to keep your replies civil and constructive and offer advice to the OP.

Be mindful that this is a crisis pregnancy that the OP needs support and guidance on how best to process it for himself and to try and do right by his partner.

Posts berating him or moralising may result in cards or bans.

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 11:49am

I think it'd do both of you good if you could access a crisis pregnancy agency in the country you're in. Or if there isn't where you are, I wonder would http://www.positiveoptions.ie be able to help out. Maybe do something over the phone/Skype?

catonthewire · 21-05-2015 12:06pm

The Highwayman wrote: »

Hi, so as the title suggests I found out 5 days ago my girlfriend (28) is pregnant.... <SNIP>

Hi OP,

Okay, I can tell from your post above that you made it clear to your girlfriend and ex's that you never intended being a Father, this is entirely your right and one which you were adamant about...
However, accidents can and do happen, regardless of contraception being used, condoms break, the pill isn't even 100% safe for women...

Regardless of your suspicions ie did your girlfriend deliberately get pregnant, which is difficult to prove, she is now facing an awful choice.....
Does she continue with the pregnancy and risk losing you?
Or terminate , your choice, and risk regretting it for the rest of her life?..

Bottom line is, the choice does rest with her, and I can fully understand her sadness, fear ect....
I can also understand your reasoning, will the relationship survive if she chooses to opt for having a child...

I think both of you need impartial advice, together and seperately...
There are organisations that support couples through situations like this, and as I said advice is impartial....

The Highwayman · 21-05-2015 12:56pm

Thank you for most of the replays.
As far as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident.
She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it.
I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11.
The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

mirrorwall14 · 21-05-2015 1:02pm

The Highwayman wrote: »

Thank you for most of the replays.
As for as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident.
She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it.
I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11.
The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

It's good that you were planning but I have to ask again were you using barrier protection? The pill is not fully effective and waiting for an appointment you both really needed to be very careful

The relationship is likely doomed I'm afraid particularly since you believe she may have done this on purpose whether she did or didn't. I'm not sure how you come back from that one, relationships are built on trust. I'm very sorry OP

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 1:03pm

If the relationship's doomed, then I think you need to tell her it's over now. Knowing that she could be a single mother might be a very important factor in whether she chooses to keep the baby or not. She needs to know now in my opinion.

Neyite · 21-05-2015 1:40pm

CaraMay wrote: »

You didn't explain what contraception you were using.

Mod:

And he doesn't have to. The OP is not obliged to explain that. It's his thread and he can choose only to share what information he feels comfortable sharing.

Its irrelevant to ask anyway, because its done - she is pregnant so the only reason posters need to know this information is to berate the OP further.

cbyrd · 21-05-2015 1:41pm

The Highwayman wrote:

Thank you for most of the replays. As far as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident. She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it. I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11. The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

I'm not sure what you're looking for people to say?
You are so suspicious that your girlfriend got pregnant on purpose, if it was me, I know I would get very hard to get past the lack of trust. It's a huge thing to be accused of. How do you ask without being told to f*** off! and, if it was an accident then having no support will be just as hurtful.
It would seem that your relationship is in a make or break situation.
Put this together with pregnancy hormones and I wish you luck having any sort of coherent conversation.
Regardless
You now feel like you've been railroaded into having a child you don't want.
Do you love her enough to bring up that child together?
Do you want to break up?
Do you feel you could walk away and just pay maintenance?
You know that you won't survive an abortion if she wants the baby, now or in 10 years, it would eventually ruin you both.
It's a tough decision and I don't envy you, but, you need to examine why you are with this woman in the first place.
Does she seem like the type of person who would deceive you?
Go back to the early days in your relationship, why are you with her?
How did you meet?
You might find your answer if you figure that out.
And one of my favourite sayings..
MAN PLANS, GOD LAUGHS!

MrWalsh · 21-05-2015 1:42pm

The fact that you feel so "tricked" would indicate to me that you left responsibility for contraception to her - clearly if you had been taking care of it you would only have yourself to blame right?

Im a bit confused tbh. This is someone that you were planning a future with, yet you feel this person tricked you - surely it would have been much easier for her to simply break up with you and find a man who did want children rather than take the risky option of hoping she would fall pregnant for you before your vasectomy and then hoping that you would be in agreement to have the baby and play happy families, and then hoping that you would never find out the truth?

It just sounds weird to me that the first place your mind goes is that you were tricked as opposed to the much more ordinary notion of contraception failure.

So maybe you never trusted her 100% in the first place?

One way or another, if you dont trust her you shouldnt be in a relationship with her.

As for not wanting to be a father - then you should have taken steps to ensure it didnt happen.

R.D. aka MR.D · 21-05-2015 2:18pm

Totally agree that if you think the relationship is doomed then tell her now. Let her know the future. If you offer support at this stage that you can't provide, then you are being dishonest.

If she did trick you into this then that is a terrible thing to do. She obviously doesn't care about you or the child. Why would you bring a child into this world that wasn't 100% wanted. If she does go ahead with the pregnancy and you decide to be in the child's life then I would suggest that you go for some counselling etc to resolve any resentment that you may have towards the child.

Now would be the time to nip all that future trauma in the bud but unfortunately all you can do at this stage is lay the facts out for her in no uncertain terms. It's her choice and you can't/shouldn't force her into something.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 2:28pm

Op, whether or not you were tricked kind of doesn't matter as there is no way of knowing.

What does matter is that you are including the possibility as part of your narrative.

When I listen to people take over the past, what I have learned from long hard experience is that it has nothing to do with any kind of truth of the past but full of clues to tell you what they will do in the future. What this tells me is that you are building a narrative of deception where you are the victim in order to exempt yourself from any hurt you are about to cause and hurt you want to cause.

I think you've made your decision but make it brave, don't make it the cowards way with prevarications and blame.

Also consider she may also feel tricked.

jopax · 21-05-2015 2:40pm

Hi op,

If you were that happy together before this does that not mean something to you.

I can't understand why you are so resigned to this being the end of your relationship.

I know you don't want to be a father, you didn't choose it but sometimes things happen that we don't want.

Its only one child, is it really that hard to consider that it might bring its own blessings.

Im not saying you should be happy about it or embrace it, just give yourself a couple of weeks just to think it through.

Just don't make any hasty decisions and try to keep an open mind as to your future.

Oryx · 21-05-2015 4:07pm

The trust in your relationship is now broken. You feel tricked, she feels abandoned. No matter what you do that cant be changed. And neither can the fact of the pregnancy. Do not, under any circumstances, try to have her terminate. Leave that decision to her, but in full knowledge of the facts; ie you will not be there for her. What she does is up to her. Nor should you be coerced into playing happy families, this was never something you wanted.

Whatever she decides to do, accept it with dignity, and make your own choices based on that (to be a father, to not be part of the childs life... its up to you). But if she continues with the pregnancy, I feel you are morally and legally obliged to acknowledge the child financially and paternally - as in registered as its father. The child is an innocent, and should not suffer.

Unplanned.....

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