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another 'he's just not into you' thread

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  • 20-05-2015 11:58am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,

    Just looking for some opinions going unreg for this one.

    Basically I've been having a fwb with someone for the last 5 or so months. A couple of weeks ago started to develop feelings towards him so backed off from the situation. Was out then on Friday and bumped into him so had a chat and said maybe we could give being with each other a go. That's all fine and dandy.

    So, in light of this new agreement, sent a text yesterday afternoon just saying hey how's the week going. Nothing, zipola, read the text and not replied.

    Trying to keep this short so y'all don't nod off, but my gut is telling me 'just not that into me'

    I know, I know. It's only been a day and people get busy, but IME usually if someone likes you, you will know it.

    Any ideas/opinions would be appreciated.


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    #2
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    Hard to advise without knowing exactly what was said. I'm going to presume you told him you were developing feelings, he admitted he was the same, and you decided to try committing to each other and giving things a proper shot?

    So you've basically moved into totally different territory. How frequent would the texts have been before this? Was it a meet-at-weekends-don't-talk-in-between arrangement? Did weeks go by sometimes without you speaking at all?

    If so, he may still be of the mindset that that will continue, without realising you think you've agreed to moving into dating territory, where generally, texts won't go unanswered for days at a time.

    Could be that he agreed when put on the spot you guys should make more of this, but has since had a think and is floundering. But he might also want to keep the arrangement you guys had going.

    All things considered, ignoring your text for a day (or longer) isn't really a great sign.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Pookie,

    Thanks for the reply.

    Yes, the conversation pretty much was as you summed up.

    We'd never actually usually text, would be a case of ending up together every 1-2 weeks normally.

    You could be right, in the cold light of day since Saturday there could have been a change of heart so to speak.

    I'll most likely be out again on Friday as he probably will (from a relatively small place so there's only 1 pub to go to) So in my mind, if there is no reply between now and then I really don't want to end up in the same situation on Friday and would prefer to just go in have a few drinks and go home without falling back into the FWB after putting myself out there last week. So would prefer to keep my distance if he's there.

    I don't know if that sounds childish, I'm 29 so not exactly a teenager, just can't think of what other way to behave?


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    #4
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    I think you need to decide what you want and stick to it. I presume you don't want to fall back into a casual arrangement? Generally these things only work if neither person has deeper feelings than lust. The fact that he knows you have stronger feelings than that leave you wide open to manipulation if you continue all of this.

    Do you have to go to the same bar? There's really nowhere else? Try skipping it for a weekend and see if he bothers to contact you to see if you're ok/alive, etc. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

    It's probably really tempting to hang onto the arrangement you had rather than cut him loose altogether but in the long run, if he's not invested, it'll end in heartbreak.

    If you do go on Friday I'd probably try to keep my distance and if he approaches you like nothing's changed at the end of the night just say "look, we had this out last weekend, I thought we'd come to some sort of agreement but you don't seem to be on the same page so let's just leave it altogether, shall we?" and walk away with your dignity intact.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    pookie82 wrote: »
    If you do go on Friday I'd probably try to keep my distance and if he approaches you like nothing's changed at the end of the night just say "look, we had this out last weekend, I thought we'd come to some sort of agreement but you don't seem to be on the same page so let's just leave it altogether, shall we?" and walk away with your dignity intact.

    EXACTLY, this is what I was also thinking to say (if the opportunity arose).

    No god no, I will not be falling back into that arrangement at all, there is no way. I knew it was a gamble to come clean, and if it results in no more fun times then so be it.

    Thanks Pookie, you're spot on. This is what I wanted to hear and exactly what I would say to someone else in this position.


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    #6
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Yep if he hasn't replied to you by Friday I definitely wouldn't be going home with him.

    He either wants what you want or not


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Yep if he hasn't replied to you by Friday I definitely wouldn't be going home with him.

    He either wants what you want or not

    I had done a reply to Pookie but it hasn't shown up yet, maybe mods are still reviewing.

    Oh yes Cara, I certainly will not, that gravy train has ended. i don't believe in having a fwb with someone if you develop feelings, it's not fair on either person.

    And to be honest if I got a reply on Friday, I'd be more inclined to think it was because it's the weekend, that's why I sent it yesterday afternoon to test the waters.


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    #8
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    When someone doesn't respond and WANT to give you attention and is not ENJOYING spending that time with you then they are just not into you. I would say you are right.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    silverfeather wrote: »
    When someone doesn't respond and WANT to give you attention and is not ENJOYING spending that time with you then they are just not into you. I would say you are right.

    Completely agree with you.

    It's exactly what I'd be saying to someone else in this position too


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    #10
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Am I correct in understanding you bumped into him on a night out and discussed this? Did you sleep with him after the conversation or was that the last you saw of him?

    I agree with you that if he replies on Friday its just to keep you sweet. In my opinion if he genuinely had wanted to move on from fwb you would have heard from him before Tuesday.
    It does sound like he's either just keeping you sweet by agreeing or has changed his mind.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    notjustsweet wrote: »
    Am I correct in understanding you bumped into him on a night out and discussed this? Did you sleep with him after the conversation or was that the last you saw of him?

    I agree with you that if he replies on Friday its just to keep you sweet. In my opinion if he genuinely had wanted to move on from fwb you would have heard from him before Tuesday.
    It does sound like he's either just keeping you sweet by agreeing or has changed his mind.

    Yes that's it, bumped into him a couple of times since my 'i actually like him' lightening bulb moment as in being in the same pub but left before talking to him. He kind of went out of his way last Friday to literally bump into me. Yes, went home to his house and talked more along the same lines of giving it a go..

    This is NOT an excuse, but just to add in that he is really really shy around women. My two friends called him over for a chat while I went to the bar and apparently he just stood there not knowing what to say and went back over to his friends after a few awkward moments.

    He has told me this before, but I put down not replying to a text as pure rudeness rather than shyness. If you are prepared to get naked with someone and be physical, shyness is already gone out the window.


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    #12
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    I am single and trying to date more. But you have to understand what you want. I know what I want. I want to find a relationship.

    It's tough being willing to risk putting yourself out there without doing it with someone who does not feel the same way. I don't know how he truly feels. But I think it's better with someone who is clear and upfront with you. Genuine people deserve genuine people.

    He is at the least being rude.

    Usually if someone likes you you will know. Usually they care about your feelings.

    If you want to talk straight with him then do. Ask for his genuine feelings.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    silverfeather wrote: »
    I am single and trying to date more. But you have to understand what you want. I know what I want. I want to find a relationship.

    It's tough being willing to risk putting yourself out there without doing it with someone who does not feel the same way. I don't know how he truly feels. But I think it's better with someone who is clear and upfront with you. Genuine people deserve genuine people.

    My posts are taking so long to show :(

    That's exactly how I feel. I was fine with fwb in all honesty, but after a few months, I had feelings and didn't/don't want to continue on as it was. Which in my eyes is the grown up approach.

    After having read so many of those 'i want more what do i do' threads on here, I took the bull by the horns and told it like it is, he in turn agreed, and not in a 'yeah fine' way, we talked about it for a while, and he seemed keen. 'Seemed' being the word.

    I've always believe in actions speak louder than words, and even though it would just be a text, the radio silence speaks volumes on where his head is at.


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    #14
    Saralee4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Saralee4


    you have been upfront and told him what you want and he agreed. That is wrong if he is taking it back now but what can you do.

    Because of your previous FWB arrangement, for whatever reason, he doesn't seem to want to make the effort.

    If it was a case where he was eager to have the relationship with you, then he would have shown that by messaging you back. He should have felt or coped on that he needs to reassure you a bit since you suggested the more serious relationship. You initiated that and told him that you liked him and wanted more and he basically agreed so it was turn to show you how serious he was about you. But he doesn't seem to be doing that.

    You deserve better OP. Unless he comes up with some really good reason for not responding, then just ignore him when you see him in the pub. He'l probably give you some story about why he didnt reply or else if you ask him about it, he'll act like you are overreacting and he'll make a joke of it. Dont let him know your annoyed. He's not worth your time.


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    #15
    tinnaarena
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭tinnaarena


    OP here

    It's actually getting painful waiting on my posts to be approved :(

    I completely agree Saralee, if he just did it because that was the only way I was going home with him, then yep shame on him.

    I don't see him coming up with a good excuse to be honest, but I think it's better to happen now than a little further down the line when I think things are going well and he vanishes.

    One thing I will say is that in light of getting ignored, there will be no going back to the fwb.

    I've known him for about 7 years (albeit not really good friends, but share same circles and have been to parties/outings altogether) I won't make a show of myself by ignoring him, but I won't be entertaining any sweet talking to get me back to bed either.


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    #16
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    I'm sorry you got hurt OP. You are deserving of someone who loves and cares for you. xx


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    #17
    tinnaarena
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭tinnaarena


    silverfeather wrote: »
    I'm sorry you got hurt OP. You are deserving of someone who loves and cares for you. xx

    Thanks for the kind words Silver :)

    Everything that has been said on boards is exactly what I would advise people.

    It also validates what I think of fwb situations. It's never good for one to harbour feelings and not tell the other person as it leads to heartache/contempt/bad feelings down the line.

    I'm happy I did acknowledge that I had feelings, I wouldn't want to lead someone on either thinking I was in the same mindframe as them.

    Sometimes it works out, most of the time it doesn't. But honesty is always the best policy :D


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    #18
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Mod:

    OP, the mods are volunteers and have lives too. Busy ones. You posted during peak commuting time for some of us, and were therefore not in a position to approve them while driving.


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    #19
    castaway_lady
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭castaway_lady


    I could write a book on "hes just not that into you" from the girls point of view. It might be little consolation while its raw but when you find one who is into you, guys like this will make sense to you that you'll laugh and think "that would never have worked, lucky escape" (or in the words of Garth Brooks "some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers") .....dont waste time in finding a replacement (or a few replacements) to refocus your interests on...


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