Did i make a huge mistake or is my gf being unfair?

zelodko87 · 12-05-2015 5:44pm #1

Hi, English is not my 1st language so sorry for bad writing and long post. i need help and advice/opinions...

We are a couple for 14 months. She just turned 28, Im still 27 and we live pretty close – cca 12 kilometers apart. We both lived at home with parents and grandparents till now. My grandparents made reconstruction of their house so now I have my own apartment in the house which is separated (I have my own entrance). I love my gf and we had great 1st year together but after that we have had a crisis.

For the last couple of months she has been extremely busy – she has a job and after the job she is working on a project - found raising and collecting food for poor people… that’s great and all - I also helped her a lot but after few weeks we just lost connection because she didn’t take time for relationship/for us/for me. She neglected our relationship, we barely had any time alone – whenever we saw each other - there were other people around. I wasn’t fussy because I know how much this means to her and that she is busy but it went too far. She didn’t even invite me to her home for almost a month during that period. Her parents was asking her if we broke up since they didn’t see me so long and she just said ‘we see each other when he helped me with my project (at least twice per week).'

In the last 4 months she came to my place TWICE (i might add that she didnt come to my place for 3 months - not even ONCE and remember we live 12 kilometers apart). Whenever I invited her she never had time and other things were more important. Before that she was coming to my (parents) place cca once per week or maybe twice. So after that period was over it was better but we lost connection I think. It wasn’t the same. I think she also felt I was unhappy. Our sex life struggled too - didnt have sex for weeks. So not long ago she accepted a new job (working for weekends till night) so I was expressing my concern since her schedule makes her work that much. I didn’t want things like that to repeat.

So i said ‘how its gonna be between us in the future since it was bad already now?’ She got angry and an argument followed. I said im not happy with with our sex life and her not having any time and she said ‘you reap what you sow’ (or something similar in my language). She said when I was buying a closet for my new place (she was with me) that I was looking at a closet which was appearantly small in her eyes and said ‘its big enough for me’. She said that was a moment she realized I do not see her in the future and will not invite her to move in with me. The thing is we have never ever discussed a topic about moving in together and I have also never even thought about it since she didnt come to my place for more then a month that time! She has also never liked sleep overs at my parent house and never spent a full weekend (she always went back home the next day till noon). She said how everyone was expecting me to invite her to move in with me – that her parents were wondering why i didnt do it and how strange is that… I have never been so deep in the relationship (never moved in with anyone) but I have always thought that the normal way a girl moves in with her boyfriend is by spending so much time at his place, especially sleeping over that its more convenient to just move in, than having to drive back to her place to get stuff and then to work.

She said our relationship is going nowhere and that im not thinking like an adult. Its like she is disappointed I cant read her mind. I can relate to her and kinda understand her - she is 28, living at home, her bio clock is ticking… but she should communicate this wishes to me in my opinion, and not waiting for me to say it. I told her i wish her to move in if thats what she wants and that i have always saw her in the future… but she was so mad/moody and nothing that I said was right. She was only expecting invitation but never telling me and at the same time she was being so distant and neglecting our relationship – not even come to see my place for 3 months (1 month since I moved in) – like she doesnt give a f**k. When i was going home i was devastated by this, thinking to myself I made a huge mistake and i should know better but after a while i think she has been pretty unfair to me about the whole situation. She neglected us, came to my place twice in 4 months (sleep over ONCE) and then expecting from me to invite her to move in… In my mind relationship was nowhere near the stage of moving in together. I think we just broke up…

bee06 · 12-05-2015 7:03pm

I think she's being quite unreasonable. As you say, she seems like she expects you to read her mind rather than acting like a grownup and discussing things with you. It also seems like she expects you to make all the effort in the relationship.

Stavro Mueller · 12-05-2015 7:28pm

Part of me is wondering did she manufacture this argument so she could break up and paint you as the bad guy?

This is a relationship that looks like it was going nowhere and that was because of your girlfriend's behaviour. Being "busy" is one of the oldest excuses in the book when you don't want to be bothered dealing with someone. It's also telling that when she did see you, there were always people around. If she had wanted to spend alone time with you she would've made time. Then throw in your sex life grinding to a halt and her barely visiting you in your place - again that points to someone who's not exactly enthusiastic to see her boyfriend. She's also playing dirty by twisting things around and blaming you now. It's all very convenient really.

To be honest, I think you should stay broken up. If this is the way your relationship has gone after a mere 14 months together, how on earth could you manage long-term? Especially with someone whose way of dealing with matters is to throw tantrums and blame other people. She doesn't sound all that pushed about the relationship but is very quick to point the finger and blame you. If I was in your shoes I'd have been having doubts about the whole thing too and would've been interpreting matters in the way you did. You didn't do anything wrong in my opinion. Your girlfriend has shown her true colours. I don't know about you but to me she sounds like a person who'll never be happy and will melt your head.

zelodko87 · 12-05-2015 7:42pm

Before i moved in and was still working on my place she said i should tell her if i need help. I did twice when I was painting my new apartment – she didnt come the 1st time because they were re-painting her parents home at the same day and 2nd time she didnt come because night before (helloween) we were out having drinks and she was hung over the next day. She was able to go to cemetery with family members (1st November) but was too hangover to come and help me with painting even though we agreed she will come 3 days before. i didnt ask for help since... I mean… I was disappointed. Not to mention that i helped painting her room few months back!

Its like she was expecting from me so much but i cant read her mind and her actions speaks opposite of what she wants. She didnt come for 3 months!

Friends and family told me that what she told me doesnt even make sense, some friends said that was bull**** and there is no logic behind but they are all people who love me and try to make me feel better. We have crisis for last 3 months -argue alot – i wasnt happy that she neglected our relationship, with sex live, with our energy in relationship…
I felt that something was not right – gut feeling when we were buying a closet… she was distant and moody for the whole month after that.

When she finally come after 3 months I was making fun of her (not too much) like: 'Will you come again?' 'I hopeyou ll come again soon' etc... she was angry saying how can she come with joy when im making fun of her all the time about how she doesnt come. I said where do you think that came from? She said 'i know i fu**ed up (not having time for us) and that she apologized to me (she never did)... She said she didnt have time and she felt bad about my parents since she was not at my house for such a long time… I mean 3 months and we live 12 km apart.

It just doesnt make sense. I mean… Is this love?

kylith · 13-05-2015 9:44am

You keep talking about how she never came over to visit you? How often did you go visit her?

zelodko87 · 13-05-2015 3:20pm

I went to see her at at least twice per week during that time. She didnt invite me home but i went to the place she was working on her project and helped her along with her friends. Whenever she invited me home i came almost every time....

I hope too see more advices and opinions please! Tnx

strobe · 13-05-2015 5:19pm

Just sounds like hyper defensiveness to deflect attention away from herself.

"Mary, I'm not happy with x so..."

"Well you did y and z! So there!"

Sounds exhausting. Have you ever tried to bring up an issue in the relationship before? Did she have a similar response?

zelodko87 · 13-05-2015 6:27pm

We had arguments before or misunderstandings but she never acted like this (maybe only once couple months back when she was drunk and i ignored her because of her behavior and when i want to discussed later she was still little drunk and angry so she refused to talk and said 'i dont care' and 'fu*k yu' that was the first time she said something like that to me because she was so angry but it was partly my guilt too so i let it go...).

I always brought an issue up (whenever something really bothered me - about sexual relationship, about her priorities) and she was always calm and willing to talk...She never talked about what bother her - always let me guess it and soem things I still dont know till this day...

To think about our last argument - i think she wanted an argument and she wanted a breakup.
She said how i was always making fun of my (ex)best friend - we were friends for 20 years and was a friend since childhood - we were really best friends and he cut me (and other mutual friends) out of his life after he met a girl, made her pregnant after just 6 months together and now they live at her apartment (he did all the leg work, she just got a place from her parents and is a princess but he invested all money and energy to make it work). I havent heard from him for 3 months and we havent go for a beer for more then a year - he cut me out like nothing. I was hurt so i often told my gf how I dont understand him and i could never be like him - irresponsible and so quick in life decisions. She never commented on that.

But when we had an argument she said i was always making fun of my best friend and how i should think/act similar to him and that im not thinking like an adult even though we are 28 and together more then a year.
She also said personal things to me that she has never mentioned to me before during whole time together - that im too predictable (i understand boring), im too cautious, i plan everything too much... how I always think about everything and that Im never spontaneous. Whatever I said was wrong.
When I told her i still wish her to come and move in if thats what she wants she was not interested like she doesnt want to believe me. I said why do you think i bought sucj a big bed (it really is big) and she said that doesbt mean anything and she has big one too because you sleep better on it... when i said why i bought such a large blanket and 2 really good (expensive) pillows she said, she has 2 pillows too and it doesnt mean anything. Whatever I said was wrong so i think her intention was a break up after this argument. She has had it with me... She talked with me almost with no emotions (she only had red eyes from time to time) which hurt me a lot. Today Im a mess, im pretty sick since i lost the love of my live so far and since im asking myself and wondering how much my actions influence her decision after last couple of months...

I think its really unfair to say all that things to me and never while we were still together. how can i solve problems/ be better at something and make some adjustments if she never ever talks to me what bothers her? It fu*cking unfair!
It does sound as though she felt rejected when I moved into the apartment without her, so she decided to busy herself and mentally check out of relationship.

Stavro Mueller · 13-05-2015 6:36pm

She sounds horrible to be honest. Why would you want to be with someone who treated you like this?

zelodko87 · 13-05-2015 6:41pm

i mean i had such a nice year with her and was so happy with her. I saw us in the future. I thought to myslef i found the woman i was looking for. I thought that for almost a year. I guess things changed after honeymoon subsided...

She is a good person , very giving, affectionate but hates confrontations - she hates to be cornered! But i always insisted to talk through problems and other things that bothered me, but she said she hates long discussions about problems. It looks like i brought the worst from her ... i dont know...

I also think she knew all along that things will only get worse not better since she got a job and be busier because of that and will not have time for relationship. She knew it...

strobe · 13-05-2015 8:56pm

Sounds like she's got a hard on for moving things into having a baby inside herself territory. But it sounds like that is the focus rather than being with you for you. I'd cut and run and scorch the earth behind you (edit: break up with her and move on to someone else) tbh man.

zelodko87 · 21-05-2015 3:51pm

Well we are officially broken up for good.

I tried to talk to her for the one last time so i wrote a private message on her facebook. I told her every couple has crisis and if there is love everything is salvageable. I told her she has always meant a lot to me and I invited her to go bowling with me (that was our thing). I also added a picture when we were still happy together at the end of the message. She replied something like 'i have never doubt that you loved me. I love you too, but that is just not enough for me because we are not compatible. She declined invitation and wrote she will be happy if we go for a cup of coffee from time to time as friends. My hurt sunk. To hear something like that after 1,5 year and after so many great times/memories together it just feels fu*king cold. Like those things were never even real...

There it went... my 1st and only love ever. Its kinda ironic when im thinking how happy we both were 6 months ago...

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 4:43pm

I'm glad someone put a stop to this. When you look back on this in the future you will realise that it was for the best and that you've dodged a bullet. You just can't see it just now. It was never going to work despite what you think.

The best thing for you to do now is cut contact with her and move on with your life. No cups of coffee. No Facebook, texts, phonecalls.. you can't heal while you are hung up on her.

CaraMay · 21-05-2015 5:10pm

Op you had a lucky escape. You've been together for 14 months and for almost 1/2 of that (6 months) things have been bad. You are lucky she pulled the plug as you can all move on now.

zelodko87 · 21-05-2015 5:33pm

Tnx for opinions. It really doesnt feel like I dodge a bullet to be honest right now. All Im going through right now is thinking about great times and feel really down about it, but then I try and think about the times I was not happy/angry/hurt by her inactions/decisions and I feel better. I think Im little too much fixated with things that in my opinion I did wrong - could do differently but didnt because of my lack of experience, but at the same time most of them were the cause of me feeling treated poorly by her (not being a priority and my needs/wishes not being important).

I hope I ll make it and the next one will be better but right now the thought of having a new relationship (starting all over again - dates/knowing other person/commitment) sickens me...

blatantrereg · 21-05-2015 7:25pm

Yeah you definitely dodged a bullet. She isn't a nice person. You sound like you're having trouble getting your head around everything. No need to rush out to find someone else if you don't want to. More important to learn from this and avoid getting into the same situation again. That is likey to involve being a bit more discerning in certain regards when it comes to women.

One suggestion is to apply the same standards to the behaviour of a potential partner as you apply to your own behaviour. Sometimes people accept all sorts of crap from other people they'd never do themselves. Her interaction with you strikes me as not being far off gaslighting. Straightforward communication is easy. Your confusion is the result of her confusing you, not any deficiency on your part.

The conclusion that she just isn't a nice person is probably hard to face, and it undermines what you thought you had with her. However you'll be going around in circles in your own mind until you face that. Much kinder to yourself to recognise it now.

zelodko87 · 21-05-2015 8:36pm

blatantrereg wrote: »

The conclusion that she just isn't a nice person is probably hard to face, and it undermines what you thought you had with her. However you'll be going around in circles in your own mind until you face that. Much kinder to yourself to recognise it now.

To be honest I ll probably never see her as not a nice person... I mean she is very giving woman - she always brought me some kind of present if she was somewhere, paying for our dates... She is always attending blood donations, collecting food for less fortunate people for few months every year... based on that she is very warm hearted, good person in my opinion. And she does all those thing voluntarly (to the point I was thinking that is beyond normal, she must has some strong emotional fulfillment because of this or some kind of satisfaction that is psychological - I mean why neglect relationship and some other things because of that) - but at the same time I felt many times that those things were more important to me since she spent so much time for things like that and not for us... It hard and confusing.

Mongfinder General · 21-05-2015 8:45pm

Ignore her. Cut her out of your life altogether. She wanted you gone. She just wanted you to make the decision. Do you think she was seeing somebody else?

blatantrereg · 22-05-2015 12:36pm

zelodko87 wrote: »

To be honest I ll probably never see her as not a nice person... I mean she is very giving woman - she always brought me some kind of present if she was somewhere, paying for our dates... She is always attending blood donations, collecting food for less fortunate people for few months every year... based on that she is very warm hearted, good person in my opinion. And she does all those thing voluntarly (to the point I was thinking that is beyond normal, she must has some strong emotional fulfillment because of this or some kind of satisfaction that is psychological - I mean why neglect relationship and some other things because of that) - but at the same time I felt many times that those things were more important to me since she spent so much time for things like that and not for us... It hard and confusing.

Maybe I took it up wrong so. Sounded like she was an absolute princess from a couple of things you said. Regardless it's not fair for her to expect you to know what she wants if she doesn't say. It also sounds like she has been mentally moving on from you before she actually broke up. Some of her reasons might be excuses, even if she believes them herself.

zelodko87 · 22-05-2015 5:09pm

I agree about her emotionally checking out before that...
About reading her mind... Yes i kinda agree but at the same time I can understand her disappointment when I did not invite her. It must felt really bad to realize that after expecting this. Some people also say it would be normal from me to invite her since she was my serious girlfriend for a whole year that time. I think its not that strange from her to expect things like that for me. Her sister lives with her bf, her girl friends live with their bfs... but she lives at home and her bf got his own place but she is not invited to move in.

Someone said to me that men are hunters and women are the one who chose us. He said she was expecting and I didnt deliver so she slowly checked out from relationship.
At the same time I have very strong arguments too why i didnt invite her - because I felt our relationship was nowhere close to move in together in my opinion. Before i got my own place she never slept at my place 2 days in a row or even spend the whole weekend. So.. I thought thing should evolve naturally - you know- to come to my place more often, more sleepovers and eventually Id suggest to her about moving in. But not out of the blue.

I think no relationship should be that hard, especially not a good one.

there are days i felt i made the biggest mistake of my life

/ and every opinion i hear is different. My parent are telling me it was not my fault and that she was giving me no signs that this is what she wants, but at the same times I know how her parents and friends are telling her I wasnt serious enough about relationship, i didnt like her enough and some other cr*p like this. I wake up every morning thinking to myself I f*cked up somehow...

retro:electro · 23-05-2015 1:15am

Honestly you just need to stop mulling over it now and move on. Onwards and upwards!

zelodko87 · 23-05-2015 2:08am

Easy to say - hard to do. I wasted too much time, money, energy in this relationship and now im left with nothing. Of course someone will post now that nothing is wasted and its all a learning experience to find the right person but i really dont see it that way. Another relationship like this happens and Ill be in my 30s single... Not that i have any desire to date right now at all. Also where Im coming from a lot of girls (even the average and below) thinks they deserve a hot 10/10 guy who also have a great job, body and a great personality. i have many friends that are the same age as me and also in their mid and late 30s and they are single and not 'that' happy. im not meeting any new woman, im not working with them, my hobbies are for men and i never had good experience with club girls so that left me with not so many options... im afraid ill become one of those guys...

blatantrereg · 23-05-2015 1:34pm

zelodko87 wrote: »

Easy to say - hard to do. I wasted too much time, money, energy in this relationship and now im left with nothing. Of course someone will post now that nothing is wasted and its all a learning experience to find the right person but i really dont see it that way. Another relationship like this happens and Ill be in my 30s single... Not that i have any desire to date right now at all. Also where Im coming from a lot of girls (even the average and below) thinks they deserve a hot 10/10 guy who also have a great job, body and a great personality. i have many friends that are the same age as me and also in their mid and late 30s and they are single and not 'that' happy. im not meeting any new woman, im not working with them, my hobbies are for men and i never had good experience with club girls so that left me with not so many options... im afraid ill become one of those guys...

Dunno. Once you're presentable and not a layabout it's usually more about how you interact with a woman. Obviously there are women with a more mercenary kind of attitude, but it's a good idea to try to filter out that type anyway.

Did i make a huge mistake or is my gf being unfair?

Comments