Ever struggle with your sexuality ?

Lauren3142 · 20-09-2014 6:43am #1

I came out a few years ago to my family and friends. I am 20 years old . Even though i am out i am still not totally comfortable with the whole situation . For example i wont bring a girl home and i wont tell new people about my sexuality until i absolutely have to ?
Im just wondering if anyone can tell me is this normal and it will get easier? Or is it a problem i just have with myself ?

J_E · 20-09-2014 10:07am

It took me over a year after coming out to really come out. You will still have embedded perceptions of who you are and what is expected of you and that can conflict with your perceptions of what your sexuality is supposed to be. You will get more comfortable in time, especially when you are aware of it.

Lauren3142 · 20-09-2014 6:25pm

Do you ever feel like you have to come out everyday???

J_E · 20-09-2014 7:40pm

Lauren3142 wrote: »

Do you ever feel like you have to come out everyday???

No, I can't really say that. I don't really think about it, and neither do 99% of people I come in contact with. I am very much proud to be gay and I do not hide it.

studentoflife · 20-09-2014 10:10pm

You told everybody and forgot about yourself. You need to accept yourself above anything else. I get how you feel about the coming out everyday thing , you don't have to talk about your sexuality unless its necessary.

baby and crumble · 21-09-2014 12:17am

To be fair, and please don't take this the wrong way, op, there's something to be said for getting older. When I was your age I was in the midst of coming out and I used to freak out and worry about the same things you have mentioned in your post.

Now, at 32, it's a very different story. I don't think anything major has changed except I've gotten older, and with that the natural lessening of giving a damn what other people think. I know it's really easy for me to say that, but it is honestly true. At 20 you're still young- at 20 I had very different thoughts about the world than I do now, and that's just natural.

My advice to you is don't stress about it. Yes, sometimes it sucks to have to come out again and again- even something small like saying what you did at the weekend can seem like a big deal. But you've done that hard work, now just focus on figuring out who you are as a person, distinct from your sexuality- although no doubt it will all tie together.

Lauren3142 · 21-09-2014 2:30am

When i came out and everyone at school found out it was awful they all automatically felt that i fancied them , i was 17 when it happened and i wasn't ready to come out my only close friend told everyone .
I recently started college and i know nobody and my class is really small and i just don't feel i am ready to come out to them yet as i never came out myself i just told one person and it spread like wildfire (truth be told i think they know , snide comments and all that jazz).
I didn't come out to my mam , dad , sister or brother myself just for the reason that i wasn't 100% accepting of it myself at the time and
i was thinking if i cant accept myself how can i make my family try and accept me , this is the reason i never came out to them myself.

I'm thinking maybe part of this acceptance issue has to do with the fact i was pushed into coming out when i wasn't 100% ready.

Thanks BabyandCrumble ill keep that in mind , I heard time does wonders!!!

Lauren3142 · 21-09-2014 2:33am

studentoflife wrote: »

You told everybody and forgot about yourself. You need to accept yourself above anything else. I get how you feel about the coming out everyday thing , you don't have to talk about your sexuality unless its necessary.

I have been outed a few times , i have never actually come out :L

baby and crumble · 21-09-2014 12:15pm

You were outed- you were therefore forced out before you were ready and that's a big deal. No wonder you're not 100% comfortable yet.

All I can say is try not to worry. I have found that 90% of people are completely fine with someone being gay- in particular in a college situation when you're not someone they have massive preconceived notions about. But it's up to you. I didn't actually come out in college, I just lived my life and if someone asked me a direct question I answered. Otherwise I didn't care.

Are you involved with any LGBTQ groups like BelongTo or your college society? It might help.

studentoflife · 21-09-2014 3:46pm

Oh, now that you mention your outing it makes sense why you feel uncomfortable .If you don't feel ready don't worry about telling your college mates. Do you think you can join the lgbt group at your college and meet other gay people?

floggg · 22-09-2014 10:17am

Lauren3142 wrote: »

When i came out and everyone at school found out it was awful they all automatically felt that i fancied them , i was 17 when it happened and i wasn't ready to come out my only close friend told everyone .
I recently started college and i know nobody and my class is really small and i just don't feel i am ready to come out to them yet as i never came out myself i just told one person and it spread like wildfire (truth be told i think they know , snide comments and all that jazz).
I didn't come out to my mam , dad , sister or brother myself just for the reason that i wasn't 100% accepting of it myself at the time and
i was thinking if i cant accept myself how can i make my family try and accept me , this is the reason i never came out to them myself.

I'm thinking maybe part of this acceptance issue has to do with the fact i was pushed into coming out when i wasn't 100% ready.

Thanks BabyandCrumble ill keep that in mind , I heard time does wonders!!!

Do you have any gay friends? Do you interact with many gay people?

I went through something similar when I came out (at 26). I guess I still hadnt gotten over the "being gay is bad/wrong" issue so I always felt a little ashamed inside when it came up.

How i got over it though was interacting with other gay people, and seeing how normal, mundane and natural being gay was, as well as seeing proud, happy gayanything. I realised then that they didn't have anything to be ashamed of, and neither did I.

Once I got over that, I soon found my confidence and started to feel a hit of pride in myself.

Perhaps something similar might be beneficial for you?

Lauren3142 · 25-09-2014 4:31am

I went to Belongto a couple of years ago , it wasn't really to my liking it was actually kind of bitchy , well certain people where but i didn't see the point in going again. Im only in a community college at the moment so there isn't really any groups or societies.
I have some guy gay friends but they still don't seem to help much (they just make me look like a woman who loves gay men) , i am not really around lesbians very often , even if i am in a gay friendly bar women wont approach me and if they do there not my type and there not really interested in being friends. I am also a really shy person to begin with.

BonnieSituation · 13-10-2014 8:51pm

Lauren3142 wrote: »

I went to Belongto a couple of years ago , it wasn't really to my liking it was actually kind of bitchy , well certain people where but i didn't see the point in going again. Im only in a community college at the moment so there isn't really any groups or societies.
I have some guy gay friends but they still don't seem to help much (they just make me look like a woman who loves gay men) , i am not really around lesbians very often , even if i am in a gay friendly bar women wont approach me and if they do there not my type and there not really interested in being friends. I am also a really shy person to begin with.

Worrying about your surroundings and the sexuality of people around you isn't wise or healthy. As someone above stated, consider yourself and only yourself.

You're only 20, I was still feeling my way through my own sexuality at the time and was questioning whether I was gay or not at that time.

Sexuality is part of you, it shouldn't define you.

gawker · 13-10-2014 10:49pm

I struggled big time when I was younger, but found coming out a huge help. I still had my moments after coming out now. I'm 26 and think I've only truly become confident in myself and my sexuality in the past 2 or 3 years. So yeah, it will get better. Just enjoy life and wherever it brings you, and as time goes on your sexuality will not be an issue at all for you. Best of luck

babysock88 · 14-10-2014 1:08pm

I think the advice given already is on point. I am just starting to come out- baby steps though and I've just told my friends. Dating women has prompted me to tell a few friends- it feels better not having to hide any more but I don't feel like I need to go shouting from a roof top at the moment either.

Meeting other gay/bi people will help you in accepting yourself I think as I am starting to learn and I am just starting to feel a bit more comfortable I guess. Best of luck with it all.xx

Chunners · 20-10-2014 1:13am

OP what you are engaging in is called "lies to children" (google it), it's not really a bad lie as such it is more a white lie you tell to people to get them more prepared for a bigger truth, it's like if a 4 year old child asks why is grass green, we don't say the science of it we just say because God loves the colour green,then when the child is 8 years old and asks why is grass green we bring it further and say because the sun shines better on green and then when they are 15 and ask why is the grass green we say it's because light shines on the cells and causes a process called photosynthesis that helps the grass create food, now without the original white lie the kid would never be able to understand the final truth. Some lies aren't lies, some lies are just necessary stepping stones to a final full truth that everyone has a fair idea of anyway but just don't want to say it.

If you want to feel good throw yourself into it, stop lying because as you said your family and friends know and it isn't even their business so who cares what anyone else says? there is a phrase "The truth will set you free", seriously if more people used that phrase there would be a lot less unhappiness in the world

jobbridge4life · 21-10-2014 3:00pm

It is a process not an event. A lot of people feel a certain post-coming out blues because the initial revelation had become so built up in their heads that the aftermath just didn't fit with whatever they had imagined.
Another issue is misallocation of feelings. A gay individual feels bad for whatever reason and blames it on their being homosexual when in reality that may not be the genuine origin of the negative feeling.

Ever struggle with your sexuality ?

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