Long term relationship - fed up

LegacyUser · 28-08-2015 10:28pm #1

I've been with my partner for over 10 years, we're both 33. He's a wonderful person and I love him very much. Lately however I am just fed up.

After 10 years I really thought we'd be married by now. If I bring it up he just seems to get really uncomfortable. About 3 years ago we had a big chat. I basically had to force him into this. I told him that I needed to know what was going on and where this was going. I told him that I want to have children at some point and I don't want to be in my late 30s when it happens. I don't think it was unreasonable but he was extremely uncomfortable with the entire situation. He told me that he loves me, sees himself spending his life with me, kids, etc., but that he feels like he doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

Since then, nothing has really changed. He has been talking about doing various qualifications relating to his job which would help him immensely. It seems to just be talk though. He doesn't actually *do* anything about. He talks about wanting to get fit but that also seems to be talk.

It seems like he's unhappy with life but is unwilling to do anything about and wants to just plod along ignoring everything. I don't think I can take much more of it. I'm sick of nothing changing and of him being completely incapable of having a discussion with me about things.

Now I'm far from perfect and there are things I need to work on too. At the moment, I am overweight and trying to lose it. I go to weightwatchers, I go walking in the evenings, and I'm trying to be more active in general. What can hinder me is his love of take-aways. We both work full-time and he rarely does any of the cooking. I end up doing a good 90% of it and when I ask him to pitch in he ends up ordering a take-away. I've told him that I don't want to eat crap like that and he always tells me "it's just a once off, we'll be good again tomorrow." Now, I hold my hands up and say that I do give in and that's my own weakness and I need to own it. I just end up feeling like he doesn't support my attempts at weightloss. It's too much hard work for him.

This also confuses me because I also feel like he's ashamed of me, because of my appearance. I have never met anyone he works with. He's been there for over 6 years. He has never invited me to any nights out even though he'll come home and talk about the partners of his work mates being there. If he's ashamed of me why doesn't he support me in trying to be less disgusting??

I'm sorry, this is turning into more of a rant than anything. I'm just sad that I may have wasted the last 10 years of my life on someone who claims they love me but and wants to be with me but is unwilling to move on with me. If he told me that he just doesn't want to get married but he wants to stay with me, I'd be ok with that. But he tells me he does want to marry me! I'm so confused, I'm sorry for the rambling, disjointed nature of this post. I feel like my relationship is on a very rocky foundation. There are times where I genuinely believe he wouldn't give a crap if I disappeared from his life. I feel like he'd just plod along - and probably enjoy the peace.

Should I cut my losses??

CaraMay · 29-08-2015 7:33am

Yes. I would have within a year of having the last chat. He's not supportive of you and your goals. You can try talking to him again but I suspect that will only buy him more time and waste yours. Sounds like a dead end relationship tbh

JeffKenna · 29-08-2015 8:08am

I think you should cut your losses. At the end of the day you can't force him to marry you or give you the life you want. You need to take responsibility and get the life you want.

IlmoNT4 · 29-08-2015 10:02am

Couple of things that stand out from your post that would be concerning. You've been with your fella for 10 years yet you cant talk to each other, make plans and are not in sync with what each other want. The biggest problem you have, is you are communicating with each other, and that isnt going to go away if you get married or have kids. Being able to talk to each other and work together is key to making this work OP.

From what you have described, he doesnt sound like he wants anything more out of the relationship than what is already happening.

As for supporting you and your diet decisions, he can only support what he sees. You need to take responsibility for your own diet, if he sees you following through, he'll either get behind you or he wouldnt. At the moment, you are telling him one thing but doing something different.

If this is the man you want to marry and have kids with then you both need to up your game, sit down and tell him what you want in clear language with set schedules. If he wants in, great, if not then be prepared to leave. Take responsibility for your life and happiness

via4 · 29-08-2015 10:37am

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. Did you ever see the movie " think like a man" you have to watch it and do exactly what the girl in the movie did

the couple were the man wouldn't commit fully I think every girl ( and guy) needs to see this movie! Also I feel your pain about the takeaways they are my downfall so to help you a bit on that doing weights will speed up your weightless as its important to tighten up your muscles so you dnt end up with loose skin. Running will make the weight go twice as fast as walking ( I like quicker results I have no patience) . I also be wrecked after work so I plan quick healthy meals in advance that take five minutes because I be starving when I get in and the temptation to just ring a takeaway is so strong when your starving

so I have some salad stuff in the fridge and I get a large skinless chicken fillet on the way home n cut it up in boil it for five minutes and in those five minutes I cut the salad up n then you have a healthy meal in five minutes and not feel so guilty. Also i know some people do not helieve in protein shakes but i find them great i feel great after taking them and i got a tub that is fifty euro but it lasts so long and i really feel they help so much.Back to your husband if I was with someone that did not invite me out that would break my heart it really would what is the point in being with someone you can't even go out and have fun with

dixiefly · 29-08-2015 3:05pm

Does he ever say why he doesn't bring you to work events that his colleagues are bringing their partners to?

That and the failure to commit would be red flags for me and I dont think I would have stuck around that long. You might need to bite the bullet and finish with him but it is very difficult to advise from here.

LegacyUser · 29-08-2015 5:43pm

Hi op

I just recently broke up with my bf of 5 years for similar reasons. It hurts so so much but I knew I had to do it

When I read your post it makes me glad I did it, because I could have drifting along for another 5 years and then realised how much of my life I threw away on him. It's really easy for people to tell you to end it. But I would have to agree. Only because I saw my own life years down the road in the same routine and just existing with someone who I know deep down wasn't my soul mate. I personally don't think giving him an ultimatum will work either. He knows how you feel and 3 years later nothing has changed.

It's going to be an extremely hard decision for you and I wish you all the best.

Sunflower 27 · 30-08-2015 7:58am

Hi OP

You have been with this man for almost all of your adult life. This is what you know and this is what you have become accustomed to.

Your words make for sad reading. My immediate thought is that you are allowing yourself to be held back by him. He is clearly full of talk and promising allsorts to keep you sweet for now. He clearly has no intention of following through on anything he talks about - wedding, work.

I really think it is time to step back and look at the bigger picture. This man has clearly been stringing you along. Why should you have to effectively beg a man to get married? That in itself is wrong.

10 years is long enough for him to know what he wants/doesn't want.

This is your one shot at life. Don't waste it on someone that does not deserve you and does not have you as a priority in their life.

MouseTail · 30-08-2015 8:40am

This man is so laid back he is horizontal, he cant even be ars*d to cook once in a blue moon. I don't think you can believe his words anymore, just his actions. It may be worth one final ultimatum, and set a clear deadline. Be prepared to walk. I hope it all works out for you.

CaraMay · 30-08-2015 8:59am

MouseTail wrote: »

This man is so laid back he is horizontal, he cant even be ars*d to cook once in a blue moon. I don't think you can believe his words anymore, just his actions. It may be worth one final ultimatum, and set a clear deadline. Be prepared to walk. I hope it all works out for you.

But why would you want to marry someone you have to set deadlines and use ultimatums on? That's not the way to start a marriage. If he doesn't want it after 10 years he never will.

MouseTail · 30-08-2015 9:44am

CaraMay wrote: »

But why would you want to marry someone you have to set deadlines and use ultimatums on? That's not the way to start a marriage. If he doesn't want it after 10 years he never will.

Maybe he does want it, in the same way he wants to move his career forward and get fitter. He is just not sufficiently motivated to do anything about it. I'm merely suggesting a last throw of the dice for OP, she clearly loves this man, and has invested a lot in this relationship. It may be the spur he needs.

conor8989 · 01-09-2015 2:14pm

FedUp15 wrote: »

I've been with my partner for over 10 years, we're both 33. He's a wonderful person and I love him very much. Lately however I am just fed up.

After 10 years I really thought we'd be married by now. If I bring it up he just seems to get really uncomfortable. About 3 years ago we had a big chat. I basically had to force him into this. I told him that I needed to know what was going on and where this was going. I told him that I want to have children at some point and I don't want to be in my late 30s when it happens. I don't think it was unreasonable but he was extremely uncomfortable with the entire situation. He told me that he loves me, sees himself spending his life with me, kids, etc., but that he feels like he doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

Since then, nothing has really changed. He has been talking about doing various qualifications relating to his job which would help him immensely. It seems to just be talk though. He doesn't actually *do* anything about. He talks about wanting to get fit but that also seems to be talk.

It seems like he's unhappy with life but is unwilling to do anything about and wants to just plod along ignoring everything. I don't think I can take much more of it. I'm sick of nothing changing and of him being completely incapable of having a discussion with me about things.

Now I'm far from perfect and there are things I need to work on too. At the moment, I am overweight and trying to lose it. I go to weightwatchers, I go walking in the evenings, and I'm trying to be more active in general. What can hinder me is his love of take-aways. We both work full-time and he rarely does any of the cooking. I end up doing a good 90% of it and when I ask him to pitch in he ends up ordering a take-away. I've told him that I don't want to eat crap like that and he always tells me "it's just a once off, we'll be good again tomorrow." Now, I hold my hands up and say that I do give in and that's my own weakness and I need to own it. I just end up feeling like he doesn't support my attempts at weightloss. It's too much hard work for him.

This also confuses me because I also feel like he's ashamed of me, because of my appearance. I have never met anyone he works with. He's been there for over 6 years. He has never invited me to any nights out even though he'll come home and talk about the partners of his work mates being there. If he's ashamed of me why doesn't he support me in trying to be less disgusting??

I'm sorry, this is turning into more of a rant than anything. I'm just sad that I may have wasted the last 10 years of my life on someone who claims they love me but and wants to be with me but is unwilling to move on with me. If he told me that he just doesn't want to get married but he wants to stay with me, I'd be ok with that. But he tells me he does want to marry me! I'm so confused, I'm sorry for the rambling, disjointed nature of this post. I feel like my relationship is on a very rocky foundation. There are times where I genuinely believe he wouldn't give a crap if I disappeared from his life. I feel like he'd just plod along - and probably enjoy the peace.

Should I cut my losses??

id cut my loses that post took 10 mins to read and hadnt one thing good in it about him you have clearly taught about it and just want someone to say leave him

mg1982 · 02-09-2015 7:22pm

It may be that marriage and kids were never something that were on his horizon. Is it something that he really wants to do as its not for everybody. It may be that he does love you but does not want to make that extra commitment. It sounds like he has issues with motivation so maybe his self esteem is low.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2015 3:31am

After 10 years together you should be making long term plans re marriage and children. He should be doing courses to improve his work prospects. You had the where are we going talk 3 years ago. At this stage all though it is hard I would tell him it is over.

I would let him know that you are not willing to waste any more time on him as refuses to make any long term plans in regards to marriage, children or work. Mention to him that you spoke to him 3 years ago about wanting marriage and children but your not in a position to wait for him to grow up.

He has no consideration for you as a person. He sees that your trying to lose weight and orders fatty takeaways. In fact the longer your with this man your own get up and go will just get up and leave. Your worth more than this.

I know what it like to be in a dark place and to be unhappy with where your life is going.
Late last year I was after having a brief fling with a man who I was freindly with for years.
He is a tall overweight man but he is a nice guy and would be comfortably off.
He decided that I was not good enought to go out with. He went back to his ex girlfriend who cheated and lied to him when they were previously together.
At the time I had a few other issues also to sort out.

I decided to go back Slimming World in January. I sorted out a few other issues over the past 6 months also. I won't say it was always easy but I have lost close to 4 stone now. I plan to do a course which should help improve my long term job prospects.
Meanwhile the man who rejected me then went on to have a few short relationships with women who just lets say were not the nicest. He has got heavier over the past few months. He came back into my life recently and we are meeting up shortly.
Some times the darkest hour is just before dawn.

Supercell · 05-09-2015 6:22am

OP, you only get one life and the clock only goes in one direction.
Reading your post, it looks like you've gotten used to being treated like a doormat. I'd bet if you stay with him nothing will have changed 2, 5,10 years down the line.

You deserve better than him, there is still time to start afresh with a better man, you owe it to yourself.
I read somewhere, "become the change you want today or all your tomorrows will be like yesterday", seems apt here.

Riesen_Meal · 05-09-2015 10:53am

I think he should "cut his losses" OP...

What efforts have you made other than having "a chat" with him 3 years ago?

You sound like you have put no effort into the relationship yourself -and want justification for dumping him on a message board before you do the deed IMO

Can nothing be salvaged here between you two?

Has it really gotten that bad in your relationship that you can not openly talk about your hopes and feelings?

Yes 10 years is a long time, but I wouldn't be "cutting my losses" yet with a partner of 10 years - (do you even realise how disrespectful to your partner that sounds?)

Long term relationship - fed up

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