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Embarrassed by my bf's actions

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    #32
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    I'm with the OP on this one, although I think the language used to describe how she feels about her BF is a bit strong! My folks are very easy going and my BF would always be offered tea, biscuits, sandwiches, etc. when we're visiting. If there's food out it will be offered. Or if we call in and we haven't eaten I'll mention it and we'll eat something and that wouldn't be a problem at all.

    But if we were in my parents' house and my BF got up and opened the fridge and said oh look yoghurts, can I have one? I would be mortified. My parents would of course say yeah no problem but I don't think they'd be happy with his attitude. If the odd time he said listen I'm starving do you mind if I put the kettle on then that would be no issue at all, but it probably wouldn't come to that because he would have been offered tea/food already.

    OP.. is it that nothing is offered and he's genuinely hungry and that's why he asks for food?


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    #33
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    I agree, this little piggy, especially about the 'manners' part.

    I think that is what is off about this behaviour to me. It shows a distinct lack of manners to nosy around in someone's fridge, but of course, I accept not everyone feel that way.

    None of my friends do it, probably because my fridge has a padlock on it. :D


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    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    It would entirely depend on how long the relationship has been going on for. Sure, in a relatively new one that might be seen as odd, but anything that's anywhere near established would surely be seen as being part of the family!


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    #35
    Quadrature
    Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭Quadrature


    You need to explain your family culture to him to be honest.

    I've had the other extreme - my ex called up to my grandmothers for a weekend and brought basic groceries, her own food (ready meals from M&S) and even her own toilet rolls!

    My gran was bemused and actually very insulted as she's big into cooking and actually enjoys making meals and whipping up food for visitors.

    You've got to be a little careful with this kind of thing as different individuals and families have different levels of income, different attitudes to food and guests.

    You're assuming your boyfriend knows things he doesn't know. Being insulted / offended by someone's lack of awareness of something they're just oblivious to is a road to relationship conflict. Families often have social norms that can seem totally alien to other families although we all think our family's way of doing things is totally normal because that's how we were brought up.

    People aren't psychic and you'll just have to explain how your family operates.

    Also if you're finding your boyfriend embarrassing you really should consider if you're compatible at all?

    You shouldn't be trying to mould / change someone else.


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    #36
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Every family has their own pattern and etiquette. It's up to you to explain to him that the "yes, please help yourself" at your parents home really means the opposite. I'm sure he would be embarrassed if he realised that he is committing an unknown faux-pas to the extent that his girlfriend and her family are shocked, disgusted, embarrassed and annoyed.

    He is not a mind reader, so explain it to him.

    Which brings me on to the next point. Being shocked, disgusted, embarrassed and annoyed is acceptable when he's done something truly disgusting or outrageous, like make a pass at your mother, punch your father or pass out with drink and wee on the sofa but its a really OTT reaction when someone helps themselves from the fridge after they have been told to help themselves from the fridge.


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    #37
    Quadrature
    Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭Quadrature


    There's also the very Irish and also very British thing of going "oh help yourself! Make yourself at home love!"

    Followed by (once the guest it gone) "what a (beeping) Liberty! He nearly ate me out of house and home!"

    (see Catherine Tate's Nan character <the cockney pensioner> for a perfect demo of how this works)

    This notion that hospitality should be offered but also refused as it's not intended really and only a politeness comes across a lot in both of these islands!


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    #38
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    giggle84 wrote: »
    I'm with the OP on this one, although I think the language used to describe how she feels about her BF is a bit strong! My folks are very easy going and my BF would always be offered tea, biscuits, sandwiches, etc. when we're visiting. If there's food out it will be offered. Or if we call in and we haven't eaten I'll mention it and we'll eat something and that wouldn't be a problem at all.

    But if we were in my parents' house and my BF got up and opened the fridge and said oh look yoghurts, can I have one? I would be mortified. My parents would of course say yeah no problem but I don't think they'd be happy with his attitude. If the odd time he said listen I'm starving do you mind if I put the kettle on then that would be no issue at all, but it probably wouldn't come to that because he would have been offered tea/food already.

    OP.. is it that nothing is offered and he's genuinely hungry and that's why he asks for food?
    I agree with this.

    I think we need more context here. If he's staying the night and feels a bit hungry then he should obviously be free to help himself to a snack etc.

    But does he do this if he's visiting for an hour? That I would find completely inappropriate. I don't even do this when I visit my mum!


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    #39
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    OP, from reading your post it sounds like you live at home? Could you (and your BF if this is a regular thing) do your own shopping and have your own shelf in the fridge that he can help himself to? My friend and her BF do this as they both live at home and spend a lot of time in her parents' house, he has a huge appetite and they know it wouldn't be fair to expect her parents to feed them so they have their own food and he can go to the fridge and help himself.


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    #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe I've just got a totally different view on this but a lot of people are talking about the boyfriend being hungry and you can't let him starve and they shouldn't be leaving him hungry or should know by now he's a big eater but was he invited around for lunch/diner/food or were they just popping in to say hello? Were they there for hours or just a short visit? Context is important here.

    I've an aunt who likes very strange food so I never look forward to visiting her, it's always some werid new thing she's found to cook but I smile and say thank you and then hit up the chipper when I leave and stuff my face. I would expect to be offered a cup of tea and maybe a biscut visting someone but if I wasn't invited around for a meal I don't expect my OH or my own family to feed me. Why doesn't he just feed himself before going and/or after?


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    #41
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    can't log in wrote: »
    Why doesn't he just feed himself before going and/or after?

    Yes, there seems to be this idea that if he doesn't eat he will die of starvation. He is not a toddler. He has legs, he go can get food somewhere himself if he wants to snack after his dinner.

    If the OP asked him not to do it (for whatever reason) and he still does, he sounds arrogant as well.


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    #42
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    I work as a tradesman, 99% domestic work, and as such can be in and out circa 300 homes in a year. I've been at it for 15 years. Today I worked for a Senator, a couple of months ago in a council flat, so it's a broad mix across all sections of society. Far far more common in Ireland is for people to practically assault you with food and drinks when a guest in thier home, than begrudge one something. Far more common. It's not even close. I sometimes basically feel like I've to put forward an in depth thesis on my reasons for not wanting a bloody tomato sandwich or slice of cake. It's not uncommon to have to repeatedly throughout the day insist I am OK and do not want something. It can get tiresome. And I'm basically a complete stranger the majority of the time, not the person that may be help give them grandchildren.

    The point I'm trying to make with the above rambling is that your particular view on your boyfriend asking can he have a yogurt or sandwich or whatever when a guest in someone's home, is by quite a long way a minority one. Therefore I feel it's quite unfair for you to adopt the stance that he is "in the wrong" or "should know better" or whatever. Most people aren't like your family in this regard (that's if your parents even hold the same view as you do - you haven't mentioned them saying anything of the sort - are you sure they even give a crap and you're not just projecting?), quite the opposite, so I can see why your boyfriend thinks you're probably just be being daft.

    I think you should probably ask your parents if they think anything of him asking for a slice of cake or whatever when he's over.

    If you would like to bring a bottle of wine or food of some sort or whatever when you head over to visit then make the suggestion. Don't sit there stewing in resentment, you'll do yourself a mischief.

    "Disgusting", "embrassed by", these are awful things to be saying about your boyfriend behind his back. If I found out someone had spoken about me like that I'd probably disassociate myself from that person immediately. If he was to turn to you and say "you're embarrassing me, I find your behaviour disgusting" after you visited his parents how would you feel? It sounds like you're harbouring some kind of backlog of resentment against this man. You're supposed to be partners in life and be on each others side. It's not healthy.


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    #43
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    It sounds like you're harbouring some kind of backlog of resentment against this man. You're supposed to be partners in life and be on each others side. It's not healthy.

    Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

    The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

    I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

    How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?


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    #44
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,270 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

    The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

    I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

    How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?

    wow

    where did you get that whopper from?


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    #45
    B0jangles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,951 ✭✭✭B0jangles


    lawred2 wrote: »
    wow

    where did you get that whopper from?

    From the OP:
    blossomhills wrote: »
    I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely.


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    #46
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    OP, by any chance are you very young?

    I haven't noticed you saying your parents have a problem with it. If they do then you need to let your bf know the score in no uncertain terms (without name calling or nasty language like disgusted!). It's equally possible that they'd take the POV that he's only there occasionally and it's not that big a deal.


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    #47
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    lawred2 wrote: »
    wow

    where did you get that whopper from?

    Did you read the original post at all?


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    #48
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

    The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

    I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

    How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?

    I remember when I was 9 my mother bought me a can of seven up and a packet of crisps. No reason at all. Wasn't my birthday or anything. Always stands out in my mind. Felt kind of guilty having them. That's the degree to which I grew up in a family where money was tight.

    Bringing a packed lunch when visiting someone wouldn't have been hard. It would have been really really really really weird though.

    My parents wouldn't have dreamed of harbouring any resentment for a friend of mine asking if he could have a piece of pizza when he called over.

    When my girlfriend calls over to my parents the poor girl is tormented with offers of drinks and food. There wouldn't be the slightest possibility that they would look badly upon her if she asked if she could have a bowl of soup. It's an unusual way of viewing things, your way and the OP's. That's grand, variety is the spice of life and all that. Would be awful boring if we were all the same. But when you've an unusual way of viewing things you really can't have expectations of other people sharing the view, or that they'll automatically be able to understand it.


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    #49
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    I remember when I was 9 my mother bought me a can of seven up and a packet of crisps. No reason at all. Wasn't my birthday or anything. Always stands out in my mind. Felt kind of guilty having them. That's the degree to which I grew up in a family where money was tight.

    Bringing a packed lunch when visiting someone wouldn't have been hard. It would have been really really really really weird though.

    My parents wouldn't have dreamed of harbouring any resentment for a friend of mine asking if he could have a piece of pizza when he called over.

    When my girlfriend calls over to my parents the poor girl is tormented with offers of drinks and food. There wouldn't be the slightest possibility that they would look badly upon her if she asked if she could have a bowl of soup. It's an unusual way of viewing things, your way and the OP's. That's grand, variety is the spice of life and all that. Would be awful boring if we were all the same. But when you've an unusual way of viewing things you really can't have expectations of other people sharing the view, or that they'll automatically be able to understand it.

    Who said anything about bringing a packed lunch? Sorry, can you explain?

    He understands it though, she has explained to him why she does not want him going into her parent's fridge. This isn't about the parents harbouring resentment, it is about the guy's behaviour upsetting and embarrassing his partner.

    Is it normal for someone to go against something their partner has explicitly asked them not to do? If my partner asked this of me, I would not dream of eating his parents' food.

    He is showing no respect at all for his partner. This is not a life or death situation. He wont die of hunger if he doesn't eat straight away.

    I can see why the OP is so frustrated. This is not a huge ask and he continues to just help himself.


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    #50
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    You said he should bring food with him incase he gets hungry when visiting thier home. The packed lunch was my choice of language. Ham sandwich, piece of cake, pot noodle, whatever you like. It's a weird thing to do.

    Look anyway, I'm not interested in getting into a back and forth thing with you here, the OP has our opinions/advice, so I'll leave you at it.


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    #51
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mod note
    Please quit the arguing guys. All it's doing is dragging this off topic fairly fast.


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    #52
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    You said he should bring food with him incase he gets hungry when visiting thier home. The packed lunch was my choice of language. Ham sandwich, piece of cake, pot noodle, whatever you like. It's a weird thing to do.

    Look anyway, I'm not interested in getting into a back and forth thing with you here, the OP has our opinions/advice, so I'll leave you at it.

    Eat before he arrives, brings food to share and therefore doesn't need to dip into her parents food. Packed lunch :D

    I think it all comes down to having respect for your partner. If you are going to do something you know annoys them, expect there to be friction and resentment.


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    #53
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    My partners parents house is very much a help yourself house.
    Its hard to become accustomed to after living at home on a tight budget.
    When we go to my mams I wouldn't help myself as I know she needs to feed 5 kids for the week. When I say kids one is my 20 year old brother who'd eat the walls if he thought he could.
    In my house I'd feel offended if people didn't help themselves though thats just how we are.
    I know in my mother in laws she gives out (in a mammy way) if I don't help myself.
    Anyway my point is that I found it hard to get used to helping myself in motjer in laws house. That's whats expected their.
    Maybe your boyfriend finds it hard not to help himself if it's the opposite at home.
    I'd take it as a compliment that he felt so comfortable with my family tbh but that's just me.


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    #54
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,185 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    We'd always be a very help yourself type of family to anyone.
    I'd have no issue with someone helping themselves.
    My only issue would be with someone who offered me food or told you to go and help yourself and then made me feel guilty over doing it.


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    #55
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    OP, have you told your OH that your parents are struggling financially? Otherwise all he knows is that his parents are telling him it's ok to have food and you're telling him he's disgusting for taking them at their word.


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    #56
    Eimee90
    Registered Users Posts: 301 ✭✭Eimee90


    I find the Op's behaviour really weird. It's the other way in my house, when people visit, my mam used to tell us to pretend we had a large breakfast if there was a shortage or something. My parents would be chuffed if a visitor helped themselves, meant our home was open and friendly


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    #57
    hurleronditch
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭hurleronditch


    I think context is vital here, and it's what were missing as the OP has vanished.

    If he's arriving in for an hour visit, and goes rummaging around the fridge that's a bit weird.

    If he's staying all weekend, gets given his dinner at 5 or 6 pm, and is hungry at 9 or 10, and the parents have told him to help himself (and specifically permit him to eat certain items) then the OP is being unreasonable. Once he's not taking the piss and having a triple decker sandwich clearing out every bit of meat and salad in the fridge, that's a normal thing to do.

    I have a feeling these two are quite young, as the OP is appearing quite immature about this whole thing.


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    #58
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,379 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    kylith wrote:
    OP, have you told your OH that your parents are struggling financially?.

    She never even said they're struggling financially. All she said was that they work hard to make sure the fridge is full, and that was seized on by another poster who took it to mean that they were on poverty's doorstep and belaboured that point ad nauseum.

    Without more context from the OP all anyone can do at this stage is speculate.


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    #59
    blossomhills
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭blossomhills


    Thanks for all the replies folks and yes I agree my language came across a little strong when I first posted because I was so annoyed!! For some context:
    No I am not very young at all.
    I love my bf very much and have told him how I felt about what he did (on numerous occasions) in a civil manner. He just doesn't see my POV.
    When I come home I call with lots of shopping for the fridge and freezer. Always. As he comes from another direction to my parents house he usually calls when I arrive home and is always, always, empty handed.
    My parents would not begrudge anyone of food at all, genuinely, they have often prepared many and many a meal for my bf and my mother is a typical Irish Mammy. She would hate to see him hungry (even though I think she is sometimes a little shocked by his extremely liberal helpings every time he calls).

    From my own POV I suppose what really embarrasses me is that my parents generosity is being taken too far as he nearly always pulls from the fridge and cupboards. He never brings shopping himself or anything to the house. He's a grown man, why can he not eat before he calls?
    We are generous but there are my siblings who need some of the ham in the fridge for the week for lunches. With his appetite things don't stretch so far...


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    #60
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    All you can do then is stop visiting them OP. Then you wont have to worry about him eating them out of house and home when you visit. Meet them elsewhere - out for lunch, or invite them around to your place.

    Or do you both live at home?


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    #61
    blossomhills
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭blossomhills


    Neyite wrote: »
    All you can do then is stop visiting them OP. Then you wont have to worry about him eating them out of house and home when you visit. Meet them elsewhere - out for lunch, or invite them around to your place.

    Or do you both live at home?

    No neither of us live at home but with work we both live apart at the minute and so my parents house is central for us to meet. I'd really hate for him to stop visiting, I want him to keep a good relationship with my family...


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