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Embarrassed by my bf's actions

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  • 25-08-2015 11:48pm
    #1
    blossomhills
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭


    I feel bad posting alongside issues which seem so profound in comparison to my own but I will keep it brief...I'm just interested to see what some others think, perhaps I am overreacting...

    When my bf comes to visit me in my parents home now and again he will often, without shame get up from the chair and root in the fridge or cupboards for food. He won't necessarily get a plate for himself and fill up without asking but if he feels hungry or sees food he likes in the kitchen he will ask and work away. My family are in general very generous and would never say no but I know they are always shocked by it. Maybe its just me but it makes me die with embarrassment. He doesn't 'eat us out of house and home' but my parents work really hard to fill the fridge for my younger siblings and things are at times tight. Honestly, I find what he does disgusting. Alongside my own thoughts, growing up I was taught strict manners of how to act in somebody elses' house and this certainly would have justified a good smacking when I got home if I acted like this! So I know I'm biased..
    I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely. I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...


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    #2
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,411 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Oh dear. "Annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted" are never good words to be using about a partner.

    I think there's a confluence of issues at play here, OP. It sounds like he may have been brought up in a family where guests were invited to and expected to help themselves, and that's what he's doing. Meanwhile, your family dynamic may be "We invite you to help yourself but are actually a bit put out when you take us up on it." And he keeps turning up with his arms swinging, which is just exacerbating the situation.

    I grew up in a family where "Help yourself" to guests meant exactly that. But my folks would never have let any of us show up at someone's house empty-handed. You need to let your partner know what the dynamic/etiquette is with your folks. Simple as.


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    #3
    StripedBoxers
    Registered Users Posts: 5,112 ✭✭✭StripedBoxers


    I feel sorry for your boyfriend after reading the opening post.

    I mean honestly, its food. Do you actually, seriously expect your boyfriend, a guest in your home, to bring enough food for himself, in case he gets hungry?

    I would be mortified if my family were like that. It stinks of meanness. It really does. Would you prefer if he starved?

    Honestly if this is how are you now, I would be running for the hills if I was him.

    I can't even begin to understand your families logic. I can't imagine telling anyone that I felt or feel "annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted" because they got food in a house because they are hungry.

    When you invite someone into your home, and tell them to help themselves, be prepared for them to do just that, to help themselves. Plenty of people won't, but some will, so if you don't mean it, and you don't want them to help themselves, then don't say it.


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    #4
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    ...close friends and partners should feel comfortable enough to just help themselves while they're in your home, unless you'd prefer them to feel too uncomfortable and feign politeness and go hungry or leave to get food and then return, which seems ridiculous to me.

    I'd agree with expecting him/people in general to bring something out of politeness though.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'd also be shocked at his behaviour OP. I mean there's 'help yourself' to bowls of dinner stuff already laid out on the table - which is grand, like go ahead, but he should never help himself to the extent of there being not enough left for others.

    Then there's him interpreting 'help yourself' to clearing out any stock of food in the fridge! Really rude. Especially if money is tight.

    He sounds really inconsiderate. I can't believe that you've highlighted this to him and he still keeps behaving this way. It's just so rude in my opinion, and inconsiderate to his hosts circumstances. Like there could be lots of reasons why it's not ok for him to behave like he has bought/cooked the food: money, convenience (why should your folks have to shop again, just because he's a hungry hound), who else around the table wants food.

    Just really selfish and rude behaviour, like a small kid will just take whatever they want, because they don't know any better!


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    #6
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    There are lots of contradictions in your post.

    So if he seems something he likes in the kitchen he asks if he can have some. Then when he does get some food he doesn't eat you out of house and home. What is he doing that's so rude?

    Why wait for him to bring something to your parents house? If you are both visiting then both of you bring something.


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    #7
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I'm finding your attitude hard to fathom, OP. I mean he asks if it's ok if he has some and he's presumably told that he can, so what's rude about it? If he was told it was being kept for some reason would he take it anyway? Whenever I've brought people to my parent's home my mum's made it clear that she's not going to wait on them and if they're hungry at any stage they're big enough to find the fridge.

    Perhaps say to him that it'd be nice to bring a small gift to your parents to thank them for their hospitality but I don't see what's so bad about somebody making themselves the odd sandwich.


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    #8
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,292 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    blossomhills wrote: »
    I feel bad posting alongside issues which seem so profound in comparison to my own but I will keep it brief...I'm just interested to see what some others think, perhaps I am overreacting...

    When my bf comes to visit me in my parents home now and again he will often, without shame get up from the chair and root in the fridge or cupboards for food. He won't necessarily get a plate for himself and fill up without asking but if he feels hungry or sees food he likes in the kitchen he will ask and work away. My family are in general very generous and would never say no but I know they are always shocked by it. Maybe its just me but it makes me die with embarrassment. He doesn't 'eat us out of house and home' but my parents work really hard to fill the fridge for my younger siblings and things are at times tight. Honestly, I find what he does disgusting. Alongside my own thoughts, growing up I was taught strict manners of how to act in somebody elses' house and this certainly would have justified a good smacking when I got home if I acted like this! So I know I'm biased..
    I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely. I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...

    What he is doing is entirely normal in most homes.. and he does actually ask before proceeding so I can't see much to fault in his actions at all.

    You might need to explain the sensitivities involved here. He simply doesn't know that this is such offensive behaviour.

    You being embarrassed and ashamed is hardly healthy.

    Personally speaking, I'd be running for the hills from you really.

    Also referring to him as a guest when he is in fact your boyfriend is rather cold.


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    #9
    alchemist33
    Registered Users Posts: 10,969 ✭✭✭✭alchemist33


    I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.


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    #10
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,292 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    alchemist33 wrote: »
    I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.

    Read again then.


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    #11
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,034 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    alchemist33 wrote: »
    I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.

    It says he asks and then eats.


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    #12
    Baron Kurtz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭Baron Kurtz


    How ravenous is this guy?:). He can't spend a few hours in a person's house without sating his appetite time and again (presumably after having a meal - not sure if this might be the case generally). He needs a bit of self control from what I can glean. What age is he? 4?:)


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    #13
    sabhail
    Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭sabhail


    How long are you together? Tbh if he embarrasses you so much, and it doesn't really make a difference if its justified, then can't see relationship lasting. Also he seems to be unwilling to see your point of view.


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    #14
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Yea, I have to agree with the others. My family has always made partners feel absolutely welcome to anything they wanted in our house, without ever asking. I mean, they're essentially part of the family, why not treat them as such?


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    #15
    B0jangles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,951 ✭✭✭B0jangles


    I would find this kind of behaviour very annoying, particularly when you mention that things can be tight and there are multiple younger siblings. Nothing more irritating than thinking you have enough of something to make the dinner or make school lunches for the kids and finding that some fecker has scoffed all the ham!

    Going by the OP, it's not like he's been offered everything but secretly is expected to refuse, he asks and then starts helping himself - what are the parents supposed to say without seeming mean?


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    #16
    alchemist33
    Registered Users Posts: 10,969 ✭✭✭✭alchemist33


    lawred2 wrote: »
    Read again then.

    I did, three times, and still missed it. I will never post before breakfast again!


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    #17
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,292 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    alchemist33 wrote: »
    I did, three times, and still missed it. I will never post before breakfast again!

    lol

    happens to us all


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    #18
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    You and your boyfriend were brought up with very different codes of behaviour. You're coming from a strict background when it comes to visiting others. He must not be. The problem is not how he behaves, which would be just fine in a lot of relationships, but that there is such a difference in how you both see this. It is not disgusting behaviour. Its just not what you were taught. He needs to realise its unacceptable in your house, and that he needs to ingratiate himself more with your folks, and tbh, you need to lighten up a little and not see this as such a dreadful thing.

    Bring cake or something when you visit as a couple, preempt your fellas scavenger hunts for food by asking if he would like something and get it with him. Teach by your example what constitutes polite behaviour in your house.


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    #19
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    When you're at his house, how does his family make you feel?


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    #20
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    OP, genuinely curious. Do you expect him to go hungry while visiting you? If not, what do you want him to do?

    There's two issues here. One is the food (really stingy of you to begrudge him enough to feel full. Some people are grazers and need to eat between meals). The other issue is showing up empty handed all the time.

    On the first one it doesn't sound like he's taking the p, he asks, is given the go ahead and doesn't take a huge amount. If there's some stuff that really is meant for the younger siblings, you can always say "Oh yeah, go ahead but just don't take any of the X, that's for lunches." offer noodles or something else cheap and filling. The problem here really is not with him. He's hungry, what would you have him do?

    On the second one, tell him to bring an apple tart next time.


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    #21
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    I don't see the problem with this. My boyfriend is the same and as he's my addition to the house I always bring a load of sandwich stuff to the house or give my parents a few bob for the next shop. It would be unheard of him bringing anything except a pack of sweets or biscuits (he's only been visiting a year it takes a while to lose guest status).

    The first time I brought him home he behaved with your ideal and ate barely any food because he was too polite to say he was hungry. The result was several bad hypos and him feeling like crap for days (he's diabetic). The next time I showed him that we're a take care of yourself crowd and he was suprised how happy my mother was at him eating a several layered sandwich (she overstocks the fridge so too much is leftover after we're gone if its not usedplus he'd volunteer to make sambos for everyone.)

    Tbh OP I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone that I was so scathing and horrible describing, it doesn't seem like you have much respect for him. However if it concerns you that much buy a load of bread ham and cheese and bring it with you to the house or give your parents a few euros to help them out. I'd be horrified if I brought someone to the house and I felt that they couldn't eat if they were hungry.


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    #22
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    It depends how you were brought up. If you would feel uncomfortable going to the fridge in someone's home then of course it will feel odd if a partner does it in yours.

    I would not take food from my boyfriend's parents place because that is just the way I am. If he went to my mum's and did it, I would feel that was wrong.

    Maybe a big part to do with it is that I was raised in a family with very little money and those that lived in my neighbourhood did not have much either. It just wasn't the done thing to eat other people's food.

    OP, have your parents said anything about him?


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    #23
    Joeseph Balls
    Registered Users Posts: 3,710 ✭✭✭Joeseph Balls


    If I asked my mother in law for permission to get food in her house she'd probably slap me. And she doesn't need to ask in mine.
    Aren't ye supposed to be family?
    Disgusted is a strong word op, unless he eats it off the floor.


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    #24
    Joeseph Balls
    Registered Users Posts: 3,710 ✭✭✭Joeseph Balls


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    It depends how you were brought up. If you would feel uncomfortable going to the fridge in someone's home the of course it will feel IDD a partner doing it in yours.

    I would not take food from my boyfriend's patents place because that is just the way I am. If he went to my mum's and did it, I would feel that was wrong.

    Maybe a big part to do with it is that I was raised in a family with very little money and those that lived in my neighbourhood did not have much either. It just wasn't the done this to eat other people's food.

    Have your parents said anything about him?

    I was raised with very little too. We were thought to share. I don't think it comes into it to be honest.


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    #25
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Joeseph Balls wrote: »
    I was raised with very little too. We were thought to share. I don't think it comes into it to be honest.

    It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.


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    #26
    Sinall
    Registered Users Posts: 813 ✭✭✭Sinall


    Everyone's family has a different 'culture' so to speak. Not wrong; just different.

    I wouldn't open the fridge and start eating away in my partner's parents' house and he wouldn't do it with my parents. However, other people might do be fine with that.

    He probably needs to read the situation a bit better - we all have to suss out what is appropriate and get to grips with the dynamic in other people's houses. That's par for the course. You could do with relaxing about it - he's not doing anything bad or deliberately hurtful!


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    #27
    Joeseph Balls
    Registered Users Posts: 3,710 ✭✭✭Joeseph Balls


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.

    I didn't mean it like that sorry. But when visitor came like the op, uncles, aunts etc they were welcome to the food. I find it a bit anal family members asking for permission. It's not the bf's first time there like. Fair enough if it was his first time meeting them.


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    #28
    scrimshanker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 738 ✭✭✭scrimshanker


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.

    Funny, I was raised in a very affluent area and neither I nor any of my friends would have dreamed of helping ourselves! It's seen as rude honestly. It's not yours so don't take without being offered.

    I'd see a partner as a bit different though if they're visiting and staying the night. Just for the day, no different, but staying longer you can't expect them to be hungry if there's food there. Within reason! And it does sound like the bf is being reasonable but could do with bringing something now and then.


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    #29
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Sinall wrote: »
    Everyone's family has a different 'culture' so to speak. Not wrong; just different.

    I wouldn't open the fridge and start eating away in my partner's parents' house and he wouldn't do it with my parents. However, other people might do be fine with that.

    He probably needs to read the situation a bit better - we all have to suss out what is appropriate and get to grips with the dynamic in other people's houses. That's par for the course. You could do with relaxing about it - he's not doing anything bad or deliberately hurtful!

    I agree with this post.

    So much depends on your own family and the rules that are a part of that.

    I remember having a boyfriend many years ago now who was well off. Whenever we went to his house, his mother put on a huge spread and always said to help myself. It just didn't sit well with me and I never 'helped myself'.

    When the same bf came to visit my mum for lunch, I suggested we stop off on the way and get some food to bring with us. He could not get his head around the fact that I wanted to bring food. He did not realise that my mum just didn't have the money to spend on all nice food for us. I had a good job and it did not bother me at all, so it was only natural to me that I bring food and wine etc.

    The guy is not going to starve. I imagine he is being given his meals in the house. If he wants snacks it isn't like he is forced to sit in his room and is not allowed out to buy them.

    Next time, bring your own snacks if you feel bad about him helping yourself to your mum's food, OP. I personally think people have been quite harsh on you on here and for what it's worth, if my partner went looking in my mum's fridge I too would feel off about it. Purely because it is clear she does not have a lot of money and my partner is more than capable of buying his own snacks. It is just the way we are. It does NOT mean you are selfish. To be honest, I think at least in my case it shows I have respect for my mum and her situation.


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    #30
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Joeseph Balls wrote: »
    If I asked my mother in law for permission to get food in her house she'd probably slap me. And she doesn't need to ask in mine.

    But that is your family, not everyone's. We cant expect all people to feel the same way about things. Has the OP's mother been to the boyfriend's place? Has he told her 'eat whatever you like?'


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    #31
    Diamond Doll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭Diamond Doll


    I'm on the fence about this.

    I can see why you're embarrassed by this, if it's not seen as appropriate behaviour in your parents house. And come on, we all like our partners to be on their best behaviour when around our families when possible.

    I also think it's a bit off that he didn't stop doing it when you asked him not to. (Then again, it does sound like you may have been unnecessarily confrontational about it.)

    I have to admit I've been slightly on edge when I've been in my parents' house, and my brother's girlfriend comes into the house without knocking, saunters into the kitchen and starts helping herself to anything she wants from the presses. My parents themselves would never begrudge it a bit, it's just not what I would consider good manners in someone else's home, no matter how well you know them.

    Then again I don't think it reflects particularly well on your parents that they don't seem to be offering him food when he visits, or at least not enough food, when they obviously know from past experience that he's a big eater! But maybe it is a case that they honestly can't afford it.

    The really obvious solution is, next time you visit, bring along a loaf of bread along with some meat and salady bits (maybe ones from a nice deli!), and maybe a cake. Or indeed whatever else he's likely to eat. Encourage him to eat from that if he's hungry, and leave the rest behind for your parents and siblings. My own parents used to often do this when we were visiting relatives when we were younger - there were seven kids in our family, they didn't expect the relatives to have to feed all of us! It means no awkwardness, everyone is happy, and you've avoided some unnecessary conflict.


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