Elderly Parents...OR....Husband & Kids.

lazybones32 · 24-08-2015 6:13pm

@MyCocobaby:
I understand the situation you are in and my solution for a toxic parent is to cut contact completely. There is little hope of resolution, so waste no more time or energy.
There is a duty towards parents but you have more than fulfilled your part. If your health is being affected by someone, you need to get away from them.

Do you need to visit your dad one last time? because when he's gone, he's gone. You might regret not saying something that you've wanted to say, even if it's only to remind him that you love him. The man might need some peace and affection from his daughters if he's living in a 'cold' house.

willow tree · 24-08-2015 7:16pm

There's a book by Aine tubridy, when panic attacks. I think it'd help. I'd also advise ringing iacp or iahip to find an accredited therapist in your area. The more support you can get the better. The drugs don't treat. mind yourself so you can be the best you possible for you & your kids & dh. Get good boundaries.

omicron persei 8 · 26-08-2015 3:16pm

I never understand why people allow themselves to be treated this way.

Family or not, cut her off.

Neyite · 26-08-2015 11:50pm

There comes a point where, when death is staring a loved one in the face, that you evaluate that you have done right by them, that they are aware that you love them, that you have built up wonderful memories of that person. That, when its their time to slip away, that nothing was left unsaid and they knew the love was there until the end.

And you have done that. So have your siblings, so has your dad.

As we get older, we recognise that out parents, far from being all knowing all seeing fonts of wisdom, are flawed, sometimes very much so. Your mother is damaged. You see that, as do everyone around her. Your dad was flawed in that he chose to stay with someone like her, and still chooses to.

He may very well die without you by his side - in fact, with such a narc for a mother who is quite knowledgeable about medical issues, I'd bet good money that when the time finally does come for real, she will rob you all of that last chance just for spite. But, as long as you are prepared for that possibility, that you have already said the things you wanted to say to your dad, being there at the end wont lessen your bereavement.

You are in an impossible position - you are being forced to be dutiful but within their controlling parameters, and you feel a bit like a puppet on their strings. Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Narcs are masters of creating these kind of scenarios. But you dont have to play their game.

maryfred · 27-08-2015 3:51am

I have tears streaming down my face reading this because it's as if I wrote the OP. I've been exactly where you are and a year and a half ago, I cut all contact with my mother because she was literally destroying me. She wasn't at my wedding and although my father was, I haven't seen or heard from him in months. He can't see why his children (all adults now) have such a problem with our mother. He enabled her psychological abuse for years and as far as I'm concerned that makes him just as bad as her. He asked me once what was he supposed to have done and I said he should have stood up and protected us,we were only children. Sometimes the only thing to do is to harden your heart, know that you tried your best and take care of yourself. Your own family need you, and while your energy is being taken up elsewhere, they're missing out. No-one who hasn't been through it can really know what it's like. I went for counselling and it took one sentence to clarify everything for me. "She can never be the mother you want and think she should be, and whatever the reason is for that, it has nothing to do with you".
You must do what's best for you.
I truly wish you peace, a year and a half on, I'm still standing. xx

Elderly Parents...OR....Husband & Kids.

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