I think my Marriage is over

Ann84 · 10-10-2015 9:41pm

Sorry but why is the expectation that you will move out? Why doesn't she move out?

tmalmb · 10-10-2015 9:46pm

At mediation I do intend on asking her to let me buy her out, her parents live next door (sep house) and there is room for an extension that she could build...I see this as win win (both of us technically have the kids) and we can move on....alas my wife has become so self centered and selfish I don't think she'll want to give on anything

Ann84 · 10-10-2015 10:11pm

You need to start documenting everything, you shouldn't have to deal with threats and although one of you will have to leave the house, I don't believe it should be the instigator of the separation (unless there is abuse involved!!)

If you go to mediation and outline you clearly thought through plan, I think you'll get a bad reaction, I suggest you ease into this but under no circumstances should you leave the house...

Get your facts in order, spend tomorrow writing down everything that you can think of in relation to the demise of your marriage - facts not feelings, statements not arguments, practicalities not moralities...
That's the best advise I can provide, as a woman who had to suffer nonsense accusations in court, make sure you have your facts straight from the start and stick to your guns... Everything else is out of your control unfortunately

tmalmb · 10-10-2015 10:32pm

thanks Ann84, I'll do that

Smidge · 11-10-2015 2:24am

I'm not 100% sure on this tbh folks.
OP, your wife has been a stay at home mother for all of these years, is that correct?
Has been, as per your description, a kind "overly kind/thoughtful" woman throughout the years? Has kept your home and provided everything for you and both of your children and there have been no real complaints on your half(as per your posts)?
I'm sorry OP, but something doesn't add up here. You allude to misbehavings in your past(albeit a long time ago)but gloss over it.
NO woman who has been at home for so long and out of the workforce, dependant on the breadwinner, just decides in her 40's "I'm outta here" on a whim.
Women, and I'm sorry to sound sexist here but sadly in general its the case, dont throw away 20+ year marriages if all is ok.
You say it happened instantly(within a month).
I hate to say it OP, but things were wrong for a very long time in your relationship before this happened. You probably just didn't see it, or her, as the case maybe.

She just had enough and probably didn't handle it very well.
But its not her hormones or just "a notion" she took.
I think your wife just had enough and placed her cards on the table.
Just very sad that such a long marriage with children came to an end but I would hazard a guess that there were umpteen red flags before the final curtain call.
It seems clear that its over now and the best advice I can give at this point is to move forward as best you can

Good luck in the future to you all.

tmalmb · 11-10-2015 7:58am

You are correct Smidge, while it initially felt like an overnight decision as I looked back on the marriage (trying to deal with the emotional pain, hurt etc, I seen there were many, many red flag situations in the relationship and that we did not have a good marriage). They were noticed, acknowledged and swept under the carpet for whatever reason (kids, family, commitment, etc..). Just one slight correction, my wife was never the little woman at home, yes she gave up work for a few years but she always had her own life and funds to cover it :-). Whatever she felt, feels now about me is irrelevant...I've accepted it however the problem i'm now dealing with is the fact that she's practically abandoned the kids and when she is with them is bickering with them, calling them names. She won't engage their schools, doctors, dentists etc and I can't remember the last time she prepared a meal for them. While I want to move on, I cannot leave my children in such a hostile, cold environment :-/

Im trying to figure out how to tackle this in mediation without her flying off the handle and simply pulling out of it

Shrap · 11-10-2015 8:35am

tmalmb wrote: »

Whatever she felt, feels now about me is irrelevant...I've accepted it however the problem i'm now dealing with is the fact that she's practically abandoned the kids and when she is with them is bickering with them, calling them names. She won't engage their schools, doctors, dentists etc and I can't remember the last time she prepared a meal for them. While I want to move on, I cannot leave my children in such a hostile, cold environment :-/

Im trying to figure out how to tackle this in mediation without her flying off the handle and simply pulling out of it

This could be your game plan for the first mediation session OP ^^.

a) State that you recognise that your relationship had massive problems that weren't dealt with and that you're facing the consequences of that is now separation.

b) State that you're here to start the ball rolling on finding a way to separate in whatever way is best for the children and their wants/needs.

c) State that your immediate issue is your family life NOW and the impact it's having on the children. Your wife's hatred (projected all around her) has got to stop - the name calling and the fighting with your kids. Say that the utter coldness towards everyone and making you the enemy in terms of protection orders, blackmail attempts to get you to move out, etc. is having a hugely negative impact on your kids.

Mediation is going to be a space for your wife to pour out in great detail ALL the times you got anything wrong and ALL the crappiness (as she sees it) of her life. She may lie and accuse you of things you didn't do, or perhaps the things you did do are sufficient to show what a nightmare you are (sorry - I don't think this obviously - but prepare yourself.....). She will be let have her say, but so will you. If your say consists of acknowledging as much as possible about what went wrong but constantly tries to bring it back to the present and what the kids are going through right now, you will not only hopefully get started on some agreed rules of behaviour, you will also have a verifiable record of your concerns (the kids and her current impact on them) if you need it for a court hearing at some stage.

Wishing you the best OP. You sound like an excellent father and tbh, if this pans out worse for you and you end up moving out (I hope you don't), I doubt your kids will take too long in moving in with you under their own steam. They're teens. They won't stay with an abusive parent if there's a better one just round the corner.

tmalmb · 12-10-2015 12:03pm

thanks Shrap, all starts in a couple of hours so here's hoping we can come to an agreement on how to move forward

Shrap · 12-10-2015 12:31pm

tmalmb wrote: »

thanks Shrap, all starts in a couple of hours so here's hoping we can come to an agreement on how to move forward

Best of luck. Stay strong.

stickybookmark · 12-10-2015 1:49pm

I just read the thread for the first time. Good luck with the mediation. I also think your wife moving in with her parents while you stay in the house with the kids is a good solution.

I can't believe she made up lies to try to get a protection order against you to get you to move out of the house which you pay the mortgage for.....unfortunately it's the oldest trick in the book for women in exactly that position though. But in this situation it seems an exceptionally low move.

I don't know if you've gone to any single father's support groups? If you do you will hear a lot of similar stories - man has been turfed out of family home but still expected to pay 100% of mortgage and bills (including things like life assurance, house insurance, property tax, water tax etc) while he hardly ever (or never) sees his kids.
At least coz your kids are grown up, apart from the 12 year old, you won't have the never sees his kids bit.

Take your decision about moving out very, very carefully. Do you want to end up in the above position? Can you afford to?

It takes true grit to hold tough and stick it out til the other person (i.e. your wife) eventually breaks and moves out. It's like a game of chicken - who will blink first, who will crack and move out first.
Whoever moves out is going to be a financially disadvantaged position and will lose the relationship they currently have with the kids, so no wonder no-one wants to be the one.
It's hard to keep up the strength needed to fight though.

Do you have a female family member (sister, cousin?) or friend or work colleague that you could go for a coffee with/exchange a few emails with for support? I really think a female ear can help in these situations. Even someone you haven't been in contact for a while that you think would be a good listener? You need all the support you can get

Mokuba · 12-10-2015 3:30pm

Do not move out unless ordered to by a court. Do not agree to move out without being forced to. Write down times, dates. Document your wifes absence from the home, from parental duties, from everything.

Get ready for a fight and stand up for yourself. You did not start this. Stop doing things to help her. She doesn't care about you anymore and is trying to ruin your life. She is literally trying to ruin your life. Wake up man. You still seem in a daze but you need to get out of it or you will wind up with just weekends with the kids and a rented apartment. She wants to take you to court. The relationship is unsalvagable. Stop lieing there and taking it, fight back.

tmalmb · 12-10-2015 7:53pm

thanks for all the support, sadly mediation didn't go well. Initially it was ok, then the accusations and lies started, I responded calmly and we proceeded to the individual consultation, by the time my turn came my wife had left and decided mediation was not how she wanted to proceed

So now, I have two court cases to fight based on the lies she told to the guards and courts, after that who knows...I guess it all depends on the outcome of these cases.

I am hanging in there although its damn hard living in this situation, i cannot afford to run two homes (who can these days) but more importantly I cannot leave my kids and I'm toughing it out for them (although I sometimes wonder would it be better if I left and setup home close by....its really hard to know the right move, I've spoken to 2 solicitors, one says stay, the other says maybe moving out will help calm things down...maybe a I need a third opinion :-) )

Ann84 · 12-10-2015 8:21pm

I don't think your really surprised. Don't move out, and stop getting upset, well not publicly...
Just calmly go about your business in the house and do not get dragged into arguments, just focus on you and the kids and ride it out, she will eventually calm down, she may make herself look like a complete lunatic in the process but her behaviour is her responsibility. The fact that she won't attend mediation will not stand in her favour. Keep trying to reardange and just start focusing on you...

Ps it's a shame it didn't go well however, keep at the mediation, it really is the best forum for separating amicably long term...

tmalmb · 12-10-2015 8:24pm

thanks, I'll take that approach

stickybookmark · 13-10-2015 10:05am

tmalmb wrote: »

thanks for all the support, sadly mediation didn't go well. Initially it was ok, then the accusations and lies started, I responded calmly and we proceeded to the individual consultation, by the time my turn came my wife had left and decided mediation was not how she wanted to proceed

So now, I have two court cases to fight based on the lies she told to the guards and courts, after that who knows...I guess it all depends on the outcome of these cases.

I would say this happens in mediation alot. The woman isn't getting her way so she gets emotional and storms off. Coz that's really going to help the situation! Deep down she doesn't want mediation which = compromise. She just wants everything her own way. Her way or the highway so that's why she's not interested in mediation coz that involves taking your opinion into account and her having to listen to unsavoury things about herself.

I really think you're in a stronger position here than you realise because of the age of your kids. If your kids were yougn she could pack them into the car in the morning and head off into the sunset with them and there's nothing you could do, but coz of their ages she can't do that.

Re these court cases - they will not be pleasant but the guards are well used to women bringing these kind of cases falsely trying to get their hands on the family home. So you'd be surprised but deep down the guards could be on your side not hers. You have grown up teenage children that are willing to testify in your defence, I would heavily capitalise on that. Are you arranging to bring one of your children along to each of the cases to testify in your defence?

<SNIP> Re the court cases from experience I would say expect the unexpected. Expect her to stoop lower than you ever thought possible, and be prepared for that.
Is she bringing a solicitor? You don't want to end up with her having a solicitor and you not. Who are you bringing to that case for moral support? Can you bring a member of your family along, or even a few (sisters, brothers, parents) alot of it is psychological in court on the day and if you're there surrounded by support that gives you an advantage straight away. But if you're on your own and she has a solicitor, a sister and a friend there then you're at a disadvantage. You need support in court, both legal and moral support.

castle · 13-10-2015 8:50pm

I think your wife is actually depressed and maybe is a danger to you and your children,
If I was you I would start recording the conversation's between the two of you ,also why can't she move in with her parents for a while ,the law has changed alot in a manner that it is more fairer to the man than ever before . FLAC is great for free legal aid .
I would not be surprised if she has been having an affair for a few years don't be shocked if that is the case and of course she will lie about it .
When you have conversations with her try have another person present .

dudara · 13-10-2015 10:15pm

@stickybookmark - please note that the requesting or sending of PMs through Personal Issues is not allowed.

dudara

tmalmb · 15-10-2015 2:16pm

So yesterdays court appearance was adjourned to a later date as still no formal paper work/statements received, so its looks like the next appearance will be to challenge the request for a barring order :-/

Does anyone have experience with these types of hearings, I need to now hire a solicitor to deal with that issue

thanks

tara73 · 15-10-2015 3:37pm

tmalmb wrote: »

So yesterdays court appearance was adjourned to a later date as still no formal paper work/statements received, so its looks like the next appearance will be to challenge the request for a barring order :-/

Does anyone have experience with these types of hearings, I need to now hire a solicitor to deal with that issue

thanks

so she makes the request for a barring order? barring you against her or against the kids?
sorry, but if I remember this thread well, your kids are on your side. Is it not possible they testify against her at this stage?

tmalmb · 15-10-2015 4:33pm

her,kids and home

My kids are willing to speak on my behalf, my concern or worry is...is this fair on the kids to put them in this position..I was hoping that the judge would see through the lies (i'm probably being naive here)

tara73 · 15-10-2015 5:27pm

tmalmb wrote: »

her,kids and home

My kids are willing to speak on my behalf, my concern or worry is...is this fair on the kids to put them in this position..I was hoping that the judge would see through the lies (i'm probably being naive here)

that's really understandable, I was thinking that too.
how are they doing anyway, sure it depends on how they feel, only you and the kids can figure it out together what to do is best.
I was wondeering, what kind of relationship they have with their mom now? I presume the whole arrangement must be almost unbearable, all living under the same roof with this horrible conflicts?

stickybookmark · 16-10-2015 9:46am

tmalmb wrote: »

...is this fair on the kids to put them in this position..

It's not fair but desperate times call for desperate measures. They are young adults. You've spoken to them and they are willing to do this for you. It's not going to be nice for anybody but SHE has forced you into this position of having to get your kids to speak for you in court remember, not you.

If she didn't concoct lies, you wouldn't have to go down this route.

Are you near Dublin at all? There's a single father's support group -or the angry man's club as I used to call them

- that meets Mon or Tues every week. The guys in there can give you great advice about fighting these types of court cases.

http://www.uspi.ie/

Clearlier · 16-10-2015 10:10am

tmalmb wrote: »

her,kids and home

My kids are willing to speak on my behalf, my concern or worry is...is this fair on the kids to put them in this position..I was hoping that the judge would see through the lies (i'm probably being naive here)

That strikes me as inaccurate. She's the one seeking a barring order to prevent you from seeing your children so she's very much the one putting your children in this position. Regardless of how she's feeling there are many better alternative approaches that she could have taken yet she has chosen this one.

I'm just an observer so take this with as big a pinch of salt as you think appropriate but it reads like you're still coming to terms with the break up of your marriage whereas your wife is much further down that road.

Her behaviour is that of a loose cannon with little sense of responsibility but right now she is getting away with it. Would you consider writing a diary of what's happened including specific actions and dates (you may be able to use this thread to help with that)? Putting it down on pen and paper can sometimes help to clarify what's going on.

You also need to engage a good solicitor immediately. I understand that it must seem like an unnecessary waste of money but you need someone objective to fight your corner. What happens now will have a profound impact on the rest of your life.

It's a horrible situation to be in and my heart goes out to you.

Virgil° · 16-10-2015 11:44am

Its tough times OP. I really feel for you. My uncle went through something similar.

It's not gonna be easy but I'd strongly advise that you filter as much communication as possible with your wife through your solicitor. Don't be dragged into arguments or disputes.

Also I may have misread it but do you have a text from her that says something along the lines of "If you leave the house I'll drop the case"? Can you potentially use this as evidence to weaken your wifes case? A text like that,in my view, would be a strong indication of someone who is just trying to shaft you out of house and home.

InTheTrees · 16-10-2015 1:08pm

tmalmb wrote: »

her,kids and home

My kids are willing to speak on my behalf, my concern or worry is...is this fair on the kids to put them in this position..I was hoping that the judge would see through the lies (i'm probably being naive here)

Fair on the kids? You're defending them against the potential of being told they can not see you anymore.

Your kids would be horrified if you let your ex-wife have you barred from seeing them? Without allowing them to have their say. Wouldnt they?

Just a thought.

Ace Attorney · 16-10-2015 2:47pm

Hey, i just stumbled across your thread, Op just wishing you the best and my support . You seem like a very decent person, wanting whats best for your kids. Take care of yourself too tho, you are probably under a lot of pressure too from all the court cases and whatnot. We're routing for you! :-)

tmalmb · 16-10-2015 4:04pm

Well just when I thought my week couldn't get worse, this morning I was making breakfast for the kids and there was a knock on the hall door...it was the guards, my wife had called and claimed I breached the order again....its been a tough couple of days where the kids were challenging her on her behaviour which she blamed me for ðŸ˜•

Give the protection order, I was removed from the house, spent 3 hrs in a cell and brought before the judge....to avoid PRISON, I had to give the guards an address that I can move to...thankfully I knew one person with a spare room and I had the guards on my side who pushed for bail.

I'm now sitting having coffee, waiting till my wife leaves the house so I can pack up some things and move ðŸ˜¢.

I thought August was the worst time ever...this definitely trumps it...my kids are distraught, they watched me being hauled away, they told the guards nothing happened but to no avail.

This legal system while there to protect leaves itself open to mis-use...I'm the one being bullied and persecuted but I have no protection from the law.

I'm horrified as to my situation, I have to leave my kids into the hands of a very sick woman until I can source accommodation for me and the kids

I get to meet my solicitors on Tues to figure out next steps...I only hope things will turn in my favour

nikkibikki · 16-10-2015 6:28pm

I'm so angry for you OP. And for your kids. And for the countless men and women all throughout the country who these laws were made for, and people like your wife taking advantage of these protection orders making false accusations and thus the real victims of domestic violence have to fight harder to prove it and have people doubt and disbelieve them. It's disgusting behavior IMO.

Back to your immediate situation, not sure of your financial situation but is there any way you and the kids can take a break away for the weekend to a hotel or a self catering holiday house or something? Or is that the worst idea ever?

For court, would a letter from your kids be accepted if you don't want them to have to appear in court?

It's unfortunate that things have come to this. But stay strong for your kids. They need you more than ever.

tara73 · 16-10-2015 6:35pm

jesus, I really don't get it. since when can one person accuse the other of sth. and the guards/judges can act on it without investigations if the accusations are right, putting husbands in prison and what else next?
what's that for a law system?

and sorry, but at this stage I ask myself are you telling us the whole story?
this woman, your wife, seems to be gone crazy from one second to another, no real explanation to it, all her lies are taking up by the judges and whoever is involved and they believe her, act on it, putting up a barring order, wanting to put you in prison without any further investigations.
your kids are on your side but nobody is listening to them i.e they are not able to stand up for you and themselves at this stage ???
what about her parents? I remember you wrote they are kind on your side too?

sorry again, but this all sounds so unbelievable that I actually ask myself if you are giving us the whole story here or what kind of story this is...

FishOnABike · 16-10-2015 7:11pm

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It's an emotionally bruising and battering rollercoaster.

What your wife is doing is utterly selfish and psychological abuse of both you and your (plural) children.

Your wife has shown herself to be capable of repeatedly lying to get what she wants without regard for the effect on others. Don't expect any different when it comes to court.

Difficult as it may be you need to put the grief around the ending of your marriage to one side. Your wife is no longer the person you loved so don't not let yourself be swayed by any residual feelings towards your wife when it comes to deciding what is best for your children and yourself.

Your children have said they are willing to support you. Accept their offer. They won't thank you for denying them a voice in deciding their future. If possible submit their evidence as a written affidavit. It is much harder for the court to ignore than a request that they are allowed give oral evidence.

There is no reason why you should not remain in the family home as the primary carer for your(pl.) children and every reason why you should. With your(pl.) children's support it is possible.

Consider if you should counter claim for a barring order against your wife. It would be unreasonable to share a house with someone who has repetedly made false and maliscious complaints against you. You cannot live on tenterhooks wondering when the next false allegation will be made.

Your wife's parents live next to you. The simplest solution would be for her to move into her parent's house and you remain in the family home. This would allow your(pl.) children have both parents near and as involved in their day to day lives as everyone wants. Be prepared to show the court how this is in your(pl.) children's best interests. Again put it in writing and lodge it with the court before the hearing. Putting it on written record makes it more difficult for the court to ignore.

Lastly don't be afraid to ask yourself if your solicitor is doing their best to represent you or are they taking the path of least resistance. They get paid for their day in court whether they have done their utmost or just a minimal effort to represent you. If you feel they are not pulling their weight give them clear written instructions and don't be afraid to find a better solicitor if needs be.

It's a tough road but you have your children behind you. Do what you believe is best for them. Take help when it is offered openly and regret nothing.

sReq | uTeK · 17-10-2015 8:52am

tmalmb wrote: »

Well just when I thought my week couldn't get worse, this morning I was making breakfast for the kids and there was a knock on the hall door...it was the guards, my wife had called and claimed I breached the order again....its been a tough couple of days where the kids were challenging her on her behaviour which she blamed me for ðŸ˜•

Give the protection order, I was removed from the house, spent 3 hrs in a cell and brought before the judge....to avoid PRISON, I had to give the guards an address that I can move to...thankfully I knew one person with a spare room and I had the guards on my side who pushed for bail.

I'm now sitting having coffee, waiting till my wife leaves the house so I can pack up some things and move ðŸ˜¢.

I thought August was the worst time ever...this definitely trumps it...my kids are distraught, they watched me being hauled away, they told the guards nothing happened but to no avail.

This legal system while there to protect leaves itself open to mis-use...I'm the one being bullied and persecuted but I have no protection from the law.

I'm horrified as to my situation, I have to leave my kids into the hands of a very sick woman until I can source accommodation for me and the kids

I get to meet my solicitors on Tues to figure out next steps...I only hope things will turn in my favour

You're putting yourself in this position and I'm starting to have less and less sympathy for you, not only that you're not doing what's best for your kids by letting your wife bully you into submission. You need to get with the times and play her at her game.

First port of call is getting the kids to tell it how it is in a statement so you can avoid court, move back into your house and start raising your kids in a non hostile environment.

Maybe when your wife realises that her lies are no longer helping her this whole thing will come to a head.

Colser · 17-10-2015 9:30am

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

You're putting yourself in this position and I'm starting to have less and less sympathy for you, not only that you're not doing what's best for yihr kids by letting your wife bully you into submission. You need to get with the times and play her at her game.

First port of call is getting the kids to tell it how it is in a statement so you can avoid court, move back into your house and start raising your kids in a non hostile environment.

Maybe when your wife realises that her lies are no longer helping her this whole thing will come to a head.

Im not disagreeing with you here but as they say you can catch a cheat but its hard to catch a liar.
The guards have to take her at her word as there are women in that position that are telling the truth and its not their place to decide who to believe or not believe(that would be impossible anyway).

OP Ive no doubt theres alot more to the story unless your wife suddenly just flipped. Do you think that she was left to do everything where your children and her parents were concerned? Did you support/help her enough? Was there any reason for her to suspect that you were up to anything with anyone else?
As a woman and someone who is going through similar(no barring orders) there is usually a straw that breaks the camels back and then enough is enough and you just want out.
I know you might not want to say it here but can you see any of this from her point of view? Im guessing that she challenged you about a few things but you ignored her as you never thought that it would come to this but now you may realise what you had and it may be too late.
If any of that is near the truth what might be worth a try is getting her to meet somewhere and admitting that you werent as good a partner as you could have been and telling her genuinely how you feel about her and get some help to get on track again.
I think if the relationship had just run its course then she wouldnt be so angry or vindictive..something has pushed her over the edge imo.
I could be wrong and if so then keep your distance and let the court deal with it but Ive seen many instances where the woman has been portrayed as the nutter/psycho when there was a lot more to the actual reality of what was going on in the relationship.
btw Im not siding with her and I totally disagree with her telling lies to the guards ect but as I say you know more than us and maybe at the back of your mind you can see where she is coming from with regards to the way she is feeling. Best of luck to you both.

Ursus Horribilis · 17-10-2015 10:04am

OP, I've been following this thread and feel so sorry for you. I've got a family member who's going through something like this now. He has discovered to his cost that being nice isn't always the right thing to do. I can understand why you don't want to drag your kids into this but at this stage I believe you would be shooting yourself in the foot if you don't give them the opportunity. Your wife has shown that she'll stop at nothing to destroy you.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2015 10:29am

OP - can't imagine how you're feeling but in line with other posters it sounds like it's time to fight fire with fire. Accept that even if your wife turned a corner in the morning, her actions must have caused an irrevocable breakdown in trust that could never feasibly be overcome. Your sentimentality is weakening you, from what you describe she isn't out to separate, she's out to destroy you. Use every avenue you have to protect yourself and your children, and don't allow sentimentality for an unsalvageable situation to stop you from doing what needs to be done. It sounds like you have grounds for barring orders against her that are entirely justified and you can sleep easy in starting those sorts of proceedings. You've tried doing the right thing for you both and she's thrown it in your face, so so the right thing for you and she can live with the consequences.

Good luck op.

sReq | uTeK · 17-10-2015 10:54am

Colser wrote: »

Im not disagreeing with you here but as they say you can catch a cheat but its hard to catch a liar.
The guards have to take her at her word as there are women in that position that are telling the truth and its not their place to decide who to believe or not believe(that would be impossible anyway).

OP Ive no doubt theres alot more to the story unless your wife suddenly just flipped. Do you think that she was left to do everything where your children and her parents were concerned? Did you support/help her enough? Was there any reason for her to suspect that you were up to anything with anyone else?
As a woman and someone who is going through similar(no barring orders) there is usually a straw that breaks the camels back and then enough is enough and you just want out.
I know you might not want to say it here but can you see any of this from her point of view? Im guessing that she challenged you about a few things but you ignored her as you never thought that it would come to this but now you may realise what you had and it may be too late.
If any of that is near the truth what might be worth a try is getting her to meet somewhere and admitting that you werent as good a partner as you could have been and telling her genuinely how you feel about her and get some help to get on track again.
I think if the relationship had just run its course then she wouldnt be so angry or vindictive..something has pushed her over the edge imo.
I could be wrong and if so then keep your distance and let the court deal with it but Ive seen many instances where the woman has been portrayed as the nutter/psycho when there was a lot more to the actual reality of what was going on in the relationship.
btw Im not siding with her and I totally disagree with her telling lies to the guards ect but as I say you know more than us and maybe at the back of your mind you can see where she is coming from with regards to the way she is feeling. Best of luck to you both.

Her lies can easily be exposed by simply doing what the kids have said they wanted to do, tell the truth?????

Do you think they want to be with their mum when she is behaving like this, if I was those kids I'd be feeling quite resentful towards my father for what looks like a prolonged situation that could easily be rectified with the help of his kids.

tmalmb · 17-10-2015 11:56am

tara73 wrote: »

jesus, I really don't get it. since when can one person accuse the other of sth. and the guards/judges can act on it without investigations if the accusations are right, putting husbands in prison and what else next?
what's that for a law system?

and sorry, but at this stage I ask myself are you telling us the whole story?
this woman, your wife, seems to be gone crazy from one second to another, no real explanation to it, all her lies are taking up by the judges and whoever is involved and they believe her, act on it, putting up a barring order, wanting to put you in prison without any further investigations.
your kids are on your side but nobody is listening to them i.e they are not able to stand up for you and themselves at this stage ???
what about her parents? I remember you wrote they are kind on your side too?

sorry again, but this all sounds so unbelievable that I actually ask myself if you are giving us the whole story here or what kind of story this is...

Its all very surreal, I just don't get how i'm in this situation...you have the whole story...i've done nothing, never misbehaved, never cheated...i've just become the focus point of her hate and she's doing whatever she can to get me :-(

c montgomery · 17-10-2015 12:00pm

I'm never getting married after reading this!

Best of luck OP, it's a terrable situation and your wife sounds like a demented wagon.

I would try and get a house big enough for your kids and let then choose where they want to live, I doubt it will be with that crazy b1tch.

tmalmb · 17-10-2015 12:04pm

packing yesterday with my children watching crying was soul destroying, saying goodbye was the hardest thing i've ever done.

my kids will represent me in court...they have insisted, i'm talking with the solicitor Tues so will know the next steps and perhaps if these are the right solicitors to fight my corner through whatever means neccessary

Two kids have insisted on leaving when I have a place sorted, the 3rd is lost and just doesn't know what to do (her mum plays on her softness and has been manipulating her)

I'm off now to pick them up, their mom has insisted I don't come to the house (even though she is not there) so i'll meet them around the corner

stickybookmark · 17-10-2015 12:38pm

She'll probably change the locks once you move out, but at least coz your kids are older, you can get a copy of the new keys. I'm sure you'll be able to prove in court that this barring order is a joke and you'll get your house back

Colser · 17-10-2015 12:49pm

I hope you didnt think that I was doubting you OP its just that there can be reasons for resentment to build up and get vented similar to what your wife is doing to you.
Definitely get a solicitor that someone can recommend as some of them have very little interest in domestic situations. I would query if you can still go down the mediation route as she did attend once so you could argue that the judicial route wont suit her either..also think of the costs involved in a court battle and try to insist that you want mediation as a way of sorting it.

What do you personally think triggered this to happen out of the blue in August and how do you feel towards your wife now? Dont underestimate hormones/menopause btw as theyre a bitch:pac: again Im not defending her but she either has a mental issue that suddenly occured or just hit a wall due to difficult home life with kids/parents and decided f* that ive had enough or has issues with you that you arent aware of and decided she just wants out.

Do you think her age has anything to do with it and she feels shes lost out on things due to her responsibilities?
Im really not defending her at all btw but I find it really odd that shes suddenly lashing out at you like this and going to extremes with guards ect and no one can even guess a reason for it.
What do her family and friends think of it?

strandroad · 17-10-2015 1:05pm

Singe88 wrote: »

It doesn't really matter what the reasons for her selfish behaviour are, she's an adult and she's responsible for her own actions, and her actions are disgusting.

Well if she has mental health issues that made her turn on the spot like that it is rather important for OP's children's safety. If she went from a kind responsible woman to a vile abuser in weeks, would you leave especially the youngest one with her?

strandroad · 17-10-2015 1:12pm

Singe88 wrote: »

Her actions alone are enough to show that she is unfit to be responsible for children.

What I'm saying is if she changed so suddenly as the OP describes I would not leave the kids with her overnight as he does. This is not a change a rational person could experience.

Colser · 17-10-2015 1:13pm

Singe88 wrote: »

Her actions alone are enough to show that she is unfit to be responsible for children.

Just remember that she was a good mother up to now and dont underestimate mental illness.Obviously she is acting like a complete bitch at the moment and no one is going to argue that but the OP was looking for advise and people are suggesting issues that may be causing her to act like this. Its never all black and white unfortunately ...

tmalmb · 17-10-2015 7:01pm

Colser wrote: »

What do you personally think triggered this to happen out of the blue in August and how do you feel towards your wife now? Dont underestimate hormones/menopause btw as theyre a bitch:pac: again Im not defending her but she either has a mental issue that suddenly occured or just hit a wall due to difficult home life with kids/parents and decided f* that ive had enough or has issues with you that you arent aware of and decided she just wants out.

Do you think her age has anything to do with it and she feels shes lost out on things due to her responsibilities?
Im really not defending her at all btw but I find it really odd that shes suddenly lashing out at you like this and going to extremes with guards ect and no one can even guess a reason for it.
What do her family and friends think of it?

Personally I think she had a mental breakdown, maybe a bipolar episode, it's all that makes sense...she did mention menopause when this started before it went extreme.

Her family are horrified, she hasn't told friends although Facebook has been updated, she's now going by her maiden name and classified herself as single...

My eldest and youngest are leaving her as soon as I get a place...she told them she doesn't care. The middle one is worried about her mom...while also angry at what she's done.

I need to figure out do I fight for the house or do I go rent, bring the kids with me then let's the separation process address the assets division

Colser · 17-10-2015 7:37pm

TBH Id rent if I was you if only to get distance between you and to stop her making the false claims.You can still fight for the house but I think you need to get away from the firing line and then think about the legal side of things when your head is in a better place.
Id be very slow to start going down the judicial route with regards to the house/assets only because of the costs and timeframe (12-24 mths from what Ive been told) I would stick with your guns regarding mediation(Im surprised that you managed to even attend that tbh).
It may not come to that as I feel she will burn out before that and calm down or at least become more reasonable.Do you think you could get back together as a family if she comes back to normal or has too much happened for there ever to be a resolution? My fear is that it could happen again and you would need to start from scratch again.

tmalmb · 17-10-2015 8:34pm

Colser wrote: »

TBH Id rent if I was you if only to get distance between you and to stop her making the false claims.You can still fight for the house but I think you need to get away from the firing line and then think about the legal side of things when your head is in a better place.
Id be very slow to start going down the judicial route with regards to the house/assets only because of the costs and timeframe (12-24 mths from what Ive been told) I would stick with your guns regarding mediation(Im surprised that you managed to even attend that tbh).
It may not come to that as I feel she will burn out before that and calm down or at least become more reasonable.Do you think you could get back together as a family if she comes back to normal or has too much happened for there ever to be a resolution? My fear is that it could happen again and you would need to start from scratch again.

No, it's over the pain we've been put through is unforgivable, I had a wonderful day with my kids today where we conversed, laughed and really enjoyed each other's company and to be honest they deserve more days like that...we can only achieve that by moving on

I know it's weird but I still love my wife dearly however I cannot forgive her fro what she has done ðŸ˜”

nikkibikki · 18-10-2015 9:07am

tmalmb wrote:

I know it's weird but I still love my wife dearly however I cannot forgive her fro what she has done Ã°Å¸Ëœâ€

Don't blame you one bit. No way you can trust her again not to repeat this behaviour.

One thing I thought of and maybe it's silly and not what the kids want. Are they afraid of her? Can they get a protection / barring order against her? I would definitely be afraid of her for them. She does not sound of stable mind.

tmalmb · 18-10-2015 3:17pm

yes, I'm going to consult my solicitor on Tues about options for safety orders for the kids, and what other legal options i have....its frustrating i have to wait till Tues to start this, I'm sick to my stomach with worry and hurt.

I don't know if I can claim defamation of character and false arrest etc...i'm not sure what that will do really :-/

I can't believe I have to wait a month to have my day in court to have this protection order challenged...I'm fearful that she'll make another accusation as I've been informed that if it happens I'll be going straight to prison

FishOnABike · 19-10-2015 2:26pm

Hi talmb, I have to disagree with Colser's views on mediation and musings on what might have brought this about in your wife. They are unnecessary diistractions at the moment. Similarly about any thoughts of defamation or wrongful arrest. I don't think you would get anywhere with them. You need to focus on the protection order and its effect on you and your(pl.) children and do what is right for them.

I can't believe you should have to wait a month to have your day in coourt either. There should be some way to expedite things, if not by appealing or disposing of the protection order you wife has obtained under false pretenses then by some other approach. If your solicitor cannot come up with a better option I would think they are either not good enough or bothered enough.

Prepare as well as you can before meeting your solicitor, know what you want to achieve it is your solicitors job to inform you what is or is not possible (and clearly explain why). Have written statements from your two older children if possible

The law reform commission has a list of revised acts on its website, with the acts and their updates incorporated. Look at the Domestic Violence Act 1996 http://www.lawreform.ie/_fileupload/RevisedActs/WithAnnotations/EN_ACT_1996_0001.PDF on the Law Reform Commission website or http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1996/en/act/pub/0001/ on the Irish Statutes Book website. They may help you understand the process how your wife has put you in this position and prompt questions for you to put to your solicitor. You are employing your solicitor he or she should be working for you.

Ask your solicitor if there is any way to have it treated as an emergency and have the protection order brought back into court more quickly and overturned or struck out given the gross miscarriage of justice which has taken place.

I'm not alone in this thread in thinking your wife's actions should be grounds for looking for a barring order against her. If you cannot get the protection order removed very quickly would it be an option to make your own application for a barring order against your wife.

An interim barring order can be made very quickly (within days if not sooner) and a final order made very shortly after that. There's no reason why you shouldn't be in the family home with your children and your wife move in with her parents. To me this seems the simplest, obvious solution. Your children want to be with you.

The interaction between the protection order your wife has obtained and a barring order you might apply for is something your solicitor should be able to advise you on. Are they totally independent or would the protection order be thrown out if you obtained a barring order.

Ask your solicitor what can be done to give you primary care of your children, the exclusive right to live in the family home with them and bar your wife or prevent her from causing further trouble to you and your(pl.) children there. Ask him to make applications to the court for whatever orders are needed to do this and to push them through the court as fast as is possible.

Be prepared to show how you living in the family home with your(pl.) children and your wife living nearby is best for your(pl.) children.

Look on the bright side. You had an enjoyable weekend with your(pl.) children. They are fully behind you and willing to support you. Get their written statements about what happened (or didn't happen) with regard to the allegations your wife made in getting the protection order including the night the gardaí arrived, what their day to day life is like with you, what you do for them and what they want.

If you could get this before the same judge that made the protection order all the better. It might give him or her an education in how these orders are abused. Who knows her or she might stop throwing orders about like confetti at a wedding without any regard for their destructive potential. I doubt the judge would be impressed at being taken for a fool.

I might seem harsh in what I'm saying above but neither you nor your(pl.) children asked to be put in this position. Your wife initiated legal action in the most malicious and destructive manner possible. You need to defend yourself and your(pl.) children. They want to be with you and you need to do your best for them.

Colser · 19-10-2015 4:01pm

@FishOn ABike...My musings:rolleyes: were in response to the OPs request for a womans point of view of the situation .

The reason that Id recommend mediation is that its quicker and cheaper than going through the courts(from what Ive been advised).What is your understanding of mediation?

The situation that the OP is in is very common unfortunately so Id be surprised if he can fast track through the system any quicker than the rest of us and if the judge realises the error of his ways in throwing protection orders around like confetti due to this case Id be even more surprised tbh. Theyve seen it all before and probably worse so I doubt that this case will be any more educational.

I think my Marriage is over

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