Embarrassed by my bf's actions

Neyite · 26-08-2015 7:58pm

I understand that you want to foster relations but if they are noticing him being selfish by raiding the fridge, then it might be counter productive to meet there.

I suppose all you can do is intercept him - if he goes in to make a sandwich, follow him in and just pull him on it - "hey! don't eat all the ham! that's for the kids lunches" and so on. Or chip in and bring your own supplies to make your own stuff maybe? I do that when we are descending on the in-laws and I know they'll have already eaten.

He just sounds very thoughtless, lazy or tight - I guess only you know which one he might be. Does he keep much food in his flatshare? I'm wondering if he cant be arsed to shop and cook for himself because he knows he's visiting somewhere with a full kitchen, where the milk and bread are fresh, and there is sandwich fixings in the fridge so why bother get them in for himself.

blossomhills · 26-08-2015 8:03pm

[He just sounds very thoughtless, lazy or tight - I guess only you know which one he might be. [/QUOTE]

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...

CaraMay · 26-08-2015 8:06pm

blossomhills wrote: »

[He just sounds very thoughtless, lazy or tight - I guess only you know which one he might be.

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...[/QUOTE]

If you had explainwd that at the start you would have very different responses

Dial Hard · 26-08-2015 8:08pm

blossomhills wrote:

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...

Ugh. Tbh, I could get over two of those three options, but not that one. I can't abide a tightarse and I'm beginning to think that the very strong language you used to describe him in your first post was perhaps because you're starting to find it hard too.

Only you can decide if you're prepared to keep overlooking his tightness, OP, but for me personally, it's a deal-breaker. It's one of *the* worst qualities a person can have, imo.

blossomhills · 26-08-2015 8:13pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ugh. Tbh, I could get over two of those three options, but not that one. I can't abide a tightarse and I'm beginning to think that the very strong language you used to describe him in your first post was perhaps because you're starting to find it hard too.

Only you can decide if you're prepared to keep overlooking his tightness, OP, but for me personally, it's a deal-breaker. It's one of *the* worst qualities a person can have, imo.

Yes, you're right, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think subconsciously I'm bubbling over a little. I just hate tightness so so much (hence my harsh words and feelings last night).. I would give him anything and honestly so would my family. I love him but it is really getting to me

scrimshanker · 26-08-2015 9:44pm

blossomhills wrote: »

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...

CaraMay wrote: »

If you had explainwd that at the start you would have very different responses

Yep! That puts an entirely different spin on it. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms in that case that next time he's coming over he's to bring food with him (a cake or tart) and stop being such a tight arse. I'd also be asking him wtf is up with him eating food that's there for the kids' lunches. Ask him directly if he's okay with the kids having less food, potentially going hungry because he can't be arsed to do his own shopping and feed himself.

I thought this was a case of you living at home and he came for a weekend at a time and just happened to be hungry between meals. But if he's only there for a day at a time and is hungry because he hasn't fed himself properly I'd be losing the rag with him totally.

Augme · 26-08-2015 9:48pm

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...

This is one of the biggest turn-offs for me in a person and I would never date someone who is tight. It's a sign that they are selfish, inconsiderate and ignorant. These traits nearly always leak out into other areas.

sm213 · 26-08-2015 9:53pm

Yeah thats completely different tbh.
My mam had a partner who was such a tighta**e you'd be surprised he didn't disappear up it. Not a very nice guy either. He'd come over eat all the food and leave.
As a single mother to three kids doing a ce scheme money was definitely tight.
Maybe tell your parents to just say no.
He thinks they are too generous/soft whatever and is taking what he can get from your updates.
Like in my in laws we're allowed help ourselves but if I saw they didn't have much I'd just have a few biscuits. My father-in-law brings lunch into work so I'm not gonna rob all the ham or whatever.
Helping yourself is one thing, being inconsiderate is another.

Neyite · 26-08-2015 9:58pm

blossomhills wrote: »

Yes, it was one of the three :-) he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well. I can handle it when its me he's being mean with but not in my family home...

Trouble is that tight people don't just confine their miserly actions to their friends and partners, it seeps into everything they do and everywhere they go.

It will show you up at family weddings, Christmas, visiting people, in front of your colleagues at a staff party. If you were ever in a position where you had one wage coming into the relationship and it was his (redundancy, ill health, maternity leave etc) you'd be at his mercy. Or, down the line with joint assets like a house or car, you'd be arguing every time there was a repair or renovation because of his penny pinching.

Its a very unattractive trait in a person. And not one that is easy to live with long term. He's shown you who he is. It might be time to take stock and consider if you can spend the rest of your life with a miser.

Teyla Emmagan · 26-08-2015 9:58pm

So he arrives into your parents to be fed? And sees no problem with that, because as far as he's concerned it's free food and he's that much of a miser?! I would be ashamed to go out with someone like that OP. That's the pits. What are you doing with this guy? He has no respect for you or your parents. Rummaging in the presses because you are starving is one thing but doing it because you are a thieving tinker is another.

This man has no manners.

Merkin · 26-08-2015 10:14pm

Given that you've now given us context and the real reason behind him stuffing his face, I'm afraid to say I think it the scummiest behaviour imaginable. I simply can't abide tightfistedness and it says an awful lot about his character that he would take advantage of your parents like that. It's just so low. The first thing I'd do is to stop inviting him around to your parents place. I'd then consider whether I really think I could share my life with someone so completely miserable.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-08-2015 11:56pm

At first I thought you were over-reacting but now that you have given us more detail it's all making sense. Are you sure this isn't your gut telling you in some way that it's not alright to be dating a tightwad? You say you love him but you've been trying to brush his miserly ways to one side. You really should heed all those warnings people are giving you about being in a relationship with them. People like that don't change. Neyite outlined very clearly what's facing you down the line. As well as what she has said, you'll be made to feel guilty if you spend too much money in the supermarket, you decide you want to redecorate a room, you'd like to treat the kids. Believe me, his miserliness is going to become a very dominant part of your future relationship. Are you sure you're up for that/

Sunflower 27 · 27-08-2015 7:06am

This is the start of worse to come.

I will tell you what happened to my tight ex... the one that was annoyed I wanted to bring food to my mum's... he wanted to sell his car. He was not getting any bites at the amount he wanted and told me he was going to reduce it by 500. My mum was looking to buy a car and very kindly offered to buy his off him thinking it would help us out. When asked the price, he kept it at the original, he did not offer it to her at the reduced rate that he told me he was going to have to drop it to.

We had the biggest row and broke up soon after. I could not believe anyone could be that tight. And it wasn't like he needed the money desperately, he had a good job so was not on the breadline.

If you are embarrassed by your partner's behaviour now, it is only going to get worse when he gets more comfortable with you and your family.

I look back on that relationship and cringe beyond belief. It was my first real relationship (lasted over two years) but I learnt so much from it.

Someone that is mean with money does not make for a happy relationship. Resentment is always there, simmering under the surface. I was constantly on edge worried he would say something and embarrass me. If we went out for a meal with a group, he made sure the bill was divided to the last cent. People started to make little jokes and it made me feel awful.

I don't know if it will make any difference, but if I were you, I would show him this thread.

Put it this way, if you are disgusted by his behaviour now, how will you feel in 6 months time? Like me, you may want to walk permanently (although we actually split within a week of the car incident, I'd had enough and that was the final straw),

His attitude towards you is the most worrying thing though. He clearly does not respect you or your family. It's all about him and what he wants. I said it earlier and I really mean it: you have explained why you don't want him eating your parents food and he does not care. What sort of future do you have with a man that is so flippant when it comes to your feelings?

You have a tough road ahead with this one.

CaraMay · 27-08-2015 7:30am

You know what - he's mean and happy to use your parents cupboard as his restaurant but you're worse because you are letting him use them. You said it to him and he chose to ignore you yet you still meet him there. That's your own fault! I would prefer to be single til I'm 93 than deal with someone like him. The fact that you are willing to allow him use your parents like this 'to keep the peace' as such says more about you than him.

your parents house is central. So what? Meet him in your house or his and problem is solved (well partially anyway)

LynnGrace · 27-08-2015 8:10am

Neyite wrote: »

Trouble is that tight people don't just confine their miserly actions to their friends and partners, it seeps into everything they do and everywhere they go.

It will show you up at family weddings, Christmas, visiting people, in front of your colleagues at a staff party. If you were ever in a position where you had one wage coming into the relationship and it was his (redundancy, ill health, maternity leave etc) you'd be at his mercy. Or, down the line with joint assets like a house or car, you'd be arguing every time there was a repair or renovation because of his penny pinching.

Its a very unattractive trait in a person. And not one that is easy to live with long term. He's shown you who he is. It might be time to take stock and consider if you can spend the rest of your life with a miser.

+1 to all of this. OP you have already mentioned that your family is shocked by his behaviour. Meanness is one of the most unattractive traits in a person, IMO.
It's one thing, if you decide that you can see past it, presumably he has some good traits... But, I would definitely be calling a halt to meeting at your parents house, which to him, is a free for all, literally.
I remember reading a post on another website, some years ago, where the poster had laughed off what she saw as minor stuff, when she was dating the guy.
When they were married, and started a family, and every tuppence was turned over and back by him, and any expenditure on the children was begrudged, she began to realise it wasn't just a quirk.

You mentioned wanting him to have a good relationship with your family. He probably thinks he had it made, free food, and as much of it as he can grab. They probably feel like locking the kitchen when they see him arriving.

This is annoying and embarrassing you now. I really think you need to think long and hard about whether you want this to be your future.

orthsquel · 27-08-2015 10:41am

blossomhills wrote: »

I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...

blossomhills wrote: »

he's tight He's extremely miserly and will do anything not to spend money. I don't say that to be mean, he knows it, his friends know it and I know it all too well.

OP I think I see where the problem is.. and to an extent I'd be in agreement with CaraMay about this being partly your fault. You are aware he is tight and miserly with money, he knows he is, his friends know.... yet despite whatever else about him as a person, you accept this behaviour in a general context about him. The only aspect that has upset you is in relation to your parents' house. You have not, it seems, tackled an issue of his tightness with money in any context which is why you are struggling to draw a boundary with your parents' food. He's not going to get it that you know and accept he is mean with money in general, he's aware you know that about him, but that his behaviour has to change when visiting your parents' house? He's not going to get it that a nicer behaviour is to bring his own food, or bring food for the family, or have fed himself, not when he already has long got away with being tight with money that everyone accepts that, including yourself. When he has been at your place (since you don't live at home) is he also like this about food you have in the house/apartment or if you are living with housemates, their food?

blossomhills wrote: »

When I come home I call with lots of shopping for the fridge and freezer. Always. As he comes from another direction to my parents house he usually calls when I arrive home and is always, always, empty handed.

blossomhills wrote: »

He never brings shopping himself or anything to the house. He's a grown man, why can he not eat before he calls?

Does he know you bring shopping to the house for your parents and siblings? If he does, he might see that the food you buy is "our food" and "our contribution" with "our money" (because he's in a relationship with you and tight with money) and therefore sees himself as entitled to share in it, or share in what is already there because "we spent money on them, therefore it's all for sharing"?

blossomhills wrote: »

we both live apart at the minute and so my parents house is central for us to meet. I'd really hate for him to stop visiting, I want him to keep a good relationship with my family...

blossomhills wrote: »

I would give him anything and honestly so would my family. I love him but it is really getting to me

OP the quick short solution is stop meeting at your parents' house. You're aware he is tight with money, it's accepted by you and his friends, and he knows well he is tight. It's not going to magically happen that he will part with his money off his own bat to organise and prepare himself for coming over in having fed himself, or even take it upon himself while visiting, to run up to the shop to the deli and get a roll, or buy something he can stick in the microwave, never mind actually call over with a cake or something for other people.

However, that is only a short term solution... it may be impractical to avoid your parents' house. Short of locking the cupboards and fridge and forbidding him eating things, you can only tell him what he can and can't have or make it for him. But I think you probably would end up going the direction of keeping the peace by running up to the shop for him, buying food for him to prevent him eating everyone else's food. And then you are going to be a casualty of his tightness because you know what I believe you when you say you would do anything for him and would give him anything. And that means he will have you wrapped around his finger financially and you will be giving in completely in accepting his tightness and you will then forever be sponged off by this guy, because he knows he can get away with it. If he is really tight, he will find many reasons to justify you spending the money, rather than feel a bit disgusted with himself and his own behaviour. He will so delighted to have a gf that will spend money on him for anything and everything so he doesn't have to spend a penny on himself!

I think like it or not if your parents are not happy with his behaviour and are shocked by it, tbh he's not entirely going to have a happy relationship with your family. And they're not blind... they're probably going to see that he is taking advantage of you in general in other ways... they're going to see his tightness with money at some stage and that probably is going to put a strain on the relationship between him and them, but also you and your family. Nobody likes seeing someone else being taken advantage of and you could end up in the near future making all sorts of excuses, jumping to his defence, why he is not paying his share, or not paying his way, to your parents who are worried and looking out for you.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2015 11:46am

Another problem you'll have should you move in together is your own bank balance. You'll find yourself paying for more than your fair share of things because he's too mean to put his hand in his pocket. Then if you find yourself asking him to pay for something he'll act as if you've just asked him to donate a vital organ.

finbarrk · 27-08-2015 7:04pm

Plenty good advice here in fairness. Think of the future with a man thats that way. I wouldn't like it anyway.

December2012 · 27-08-2015 8:03pm

blossomhills wrote: »

have told him how I felt about what he did (on numerous occasions) in a civil manner. He just doesn't see my POV.

THIS is the most important thing. You have told him how you feel and he doesn't care. He doesn't have to see your POV to change his behaviour, he just has to respect you.

And he doesn't.

How would he feel if he told you to change your behaviour in his house and you did the opposite?

He has no shame, he doesn't believe you, and he doesn't care that he's doing something you don't like.

beks101 · 27-08-2015 10:00pm

You know that money is one of the top contenders of problems causing divorce in the world?

You settle down with this guy and not only will he not change, but these things that are relatively minor bug-bears and 'quirks' of his now, will turn into major, major road blocks down the line. The embarrassment you feel now will turn into hatred, resentment, frustration, hostility and emotional withdrawal on your part because of his meanness. You won't feel safe or loved or one half of a partnership - you'll feel as though you're trudging through life alone, ruled and trapped by his determination to cut corners and take the cheap road.

Meanness to me is the anti-kindness; something which I personally think is vital in a partner. It fosters love and trust and respect and comradery. You know your partner treasures you above any motivation to 'spend as little money as possible' and if it came down to it, he'd throw all his life-savings on a cause that would make you both happy. You don't have that with a tight partner and the insecurity of it is crippling. IME it's not a trait that goes away easily either, as it's usually rooted in someone's upbringing.

So not quite sure how to advise you OP. On the subject at hand - you could try a bit of curtness. "Babe you can't just go rooting through my parents' kitchen for food and help yourself to what you find! Seriously, you know how generous they are but that's taking it too far. When we visit them it's not a free meal ticket for you and I find it disrespectful that you treat it as such."

njs030 · 27-08-2015 10:20pm

Op my dad is really really tight, it's a well known joke at this stage. He won't buy so much as a pair of trainers without weeks of price matching and angst over if he can do without.

The thing is, he's only tight with spending on himself. Hes not silly with money and minds it carefully but he would be mortified if someone else was bothered by his attitude to money...even at 65 he wouldn't visit his Mammy without bringing her an Apple pie and some nice cakes or biscuits....and thats only an afternoon visit!

What I'm saying is some people are tight but are also kind and don't let their tightness hurt other people, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be one of them. You've told him how you feel and he does it anyway. That's giving you valuable information about how he will treat you throughout your relationship.

You know what he's like in other ways but I really suggest a good long think about if you want to be with someone who can ignore your feelings and please themselves.

not a morning person · 27-08-2015 11:31pm

blossomhills wrote: »

I feel bad posting alongside issues which seem so profound in comparison to my own but I will keep it brief...I'm just interested to see what some others think, perhaps I am overreacting...

When my bf comes to visit me in my parents home now and again he will often, without shame get up from the chair and root in the fridge or cupboards for food. He won't necessarily get a plate for himself and fill up without asking but if he feels hungry or sees food he likes in the kitchen he will ask and work away. My family are in general very generous and would never say no but I know they are always shocked by it. Maybe its just me but it makes me die with embarrassment. He doesn't 'eat us out of house and home' but my parents work really hard to fill the fridge for my younger siblings and things are at times tight. Honestly, I find what he does disgusting. Alongside my own thoughts, growing up I was taught strict manners of how to act in somebody elses' house and this certainly would have justified a good smacking when I got home if I acted like this! So I know I'm biased..
I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely. I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...

You're completely in the right. His rooting in your fridge is super weird - I would never in a million years have done that at my ex's place.

Some of the posts here suggest that you're in the wrong and even suggest that he should run for the hills from you, but they fail to grasp the point that it is your parents home we are talking about, not yours.

Bringing a small gift, like a box of chocolates or whatever is the least he should do when he visits your parents home and eats their food!

CaraMay · 28-08-2015 6:20am

She's wrong to keep bringing him there when he can't behave. Clearly his own actions are wrong but in the contact of this thread, by allowing him to continue treating her parents like this, she's wrong for bringing him there all the time. He's never going yo change

zeffabelli · 29-08-2015 8:34am

Cheap with the wallet, cheap with the heart.

I've seen this before, doesn't lead to good places.

But you keep inviting him there, you keep not saying anything, so you have to look at your own collisions here too. You're a little responsible also.

blossomhills · 03-09-2015 12:29am

Thanks all, I really appreciate your thoughts... I have a lot to think about it would seem now

Matteroffact · 03-09-2015 3:37pm

Whatever about helping himself to what's presented on the table it is downright rude to go and open the fridge and press looking for more in someone else's house.

Embarrassed by my bf's actions

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