Help! My 15 Year Old is looking to have a "Sweet Sixteen" Birthday . . .

EganTheMan · 20-11-2014 8:42pm #1

Hi All:

I need your advice.

I live, on my own, with my 15 year old daughter. She will be 16 in March.

I would be totally "not with it" / old fashioned - in her eyes and, possibly, in my ex-wife's eyes . . .

She put it to me, the other evening, that she would like to have a 16th "Sweet Sixteen" Birthday party . . .

She said that she was very apprehensive about asking me because she knew that I was a little "old fashioned" - however I know a lot of her friends and there is, almost permanently, 2-3 of them in the house e.g Saturday / Sunday breakfast usually has someone / two of them there - great kids . . .

I have a great relationship with my daughter and she means the world to me. I am from the country and had a very, very conservative upbringing - friends never, ever, ever called!

I don't want to visit this limit / lack of confidence in her - so I told her that there will be no problem with a party.

Then she told me that she expects about 40 to be there and that it is likely that some of these kids will bring drink with them.

At that point I told her that I could work with that i.e. Gazebo in the back garden, consult with neighbours in advance, hire music equipment & DJ, 0000 finish, attendance of a few of the parents and my ex-wife, permission from parents for everyone who would be drinking . . . that's where the "wheels fell off the cart" . .

She said that other kids are having their equivalent parties and that nobody has ever asked the parents of the kids attending if its OK for them to be drinking. . .

What would happen if some of them start smoking etc.

Ultimately, as I see it, they are still kids and I am responsible for them while they are at my house . . .

What should I do?

Marty

The Princess Bride · 22-11-2014 2:56pm

As a parent of 3 teens, let me tell you from my own experience & that of my friends with teens, this telling you that "nobody has ever asked the parents of the kids" - would be a common retort by teenagers.
It doesn't matter whether or not they've been asked before- your daughter, your home, you're paying - so you decide what happens & how it happens.

Mine never had "sweet 16s", around here, 18ths & then 21sts are the " norm".
I would have a huge problem with a group of 15/16 year olds in my house with the likelihood of alcohol thrown in- I just wouldn't go there.
Even with parental consent.
It is a large group, if it's a mixed gender party, there'll be enough to supervise without the potential of some of them maybe having their first drink at yours.

My oldest 2 had 18ths & post Leaving Cert parties at mine.
Again, some 17/ 18 yr old at these.
I'd know most of their friends & their parents, but still kept a very close eye on everything.
Alcohol was present, but there was no issues as my floating around reminded them whose house they were in.
15/16 year olds might not be as mature, you most likely don't know the majority of the 40 your daughter would be inviting.
You need to be the responsible adult here, not your daughter's best friend.
Discuss this with her mother, without daughter present.

Believe me, whether or not any of them start smoking is the least of your potential problems.And yes, I might be totally wrong, it could be the best party ever.
I'm only speaking from experience & observation since I became a parent.

One other thing, is your daughter allowed drink already? When she gets these invitations to these other parties, will you be giving her consent to drink? Relevant to the above, I reckon.
Ours would've been allowed wine with dinner on special occasions, so tbf, there was never an issue.

Best of luck, you're not being " old fashioned"- merely responsible & sensible.

biko · 22-11-2014 3:01pm

It doesn't matter if someone's parent usually allow them to drink. You shouldn't allow underage drinking at your party. Not only is it illegal but strict parents will call you up on it if they hear you let their 15yo kids attend a party where drink was served.

jeni · 22-11-2014 3:54pm

see if she'd have it at a venue, then you don't need to worry about it

Paddy Cow · 23-11-2014 4:26am

Op "sweet 16" parties aren't the norm and it's something teenagers see on MTV. In Ireland the big birthdays are 18 and 21. If your daughter wants a big 16 party and you are willing to throw it, then all power to you.

However, if you want to give her the party, then you have to remember that you and not her are the adult here. Of course she will try to guilt you with stories of "this is how it is done", "you are out of touch", "no one else has their parents present" etc etc.

You have to remember that you are the one who is going to be held responsible for this party. Even if you can afford it financially, if you let your daughter have free reign to plan and invite who she wants, what happens when things get out of control? The last thing you need is a load of irate parents on your case because their kids got loaded while under your supervision.

If you do go ahead with the party, then make sure there is loads of supervision. Your daughter is talking sh!te when she says that other 15 yr olds have parties and no one checks with their parents if it's okay. I guarantee that if you allow an unsupervised party of 40 15 yr olds who are drinking, you are in for a world of headaches.

15/16 is too young to be having alcohol fused unsupervised parties. Tell your daughter she can have a party but there are certain rules. Sure she will rant and rave but if you don't back down she will eventually agree.

I really hope you aren't one of these parents who gives into their immature teenager because they don't want to be seen as "old fashioned".

SparkySpitfire · 23-11-2014 4:29am

biko wrote: »

It doesn't matter if someone's parent usually allow them to drink. You shouldn't allow underage drinking at your party. Not only is it illegal but strict parents will call you up on it if they hear you let their 15yo kids attend a party where drink was served.

It's not illegal according to citizen's information:

If you are under 18, you cannot legally buy alcohol. Also you cannot drink it unless you are in a private residence and have permission from your parents. It is also an offence to pretend that you are over 18 in order to buy or drink alcohol. If you are found guilty of these offences, you are liable to a class E fine on summary conviction in a District Court.

However, the parental consent factor seems to be paramount.

You're already giving leeway with 1. Allowing the party and 2. Considering allowing drink present with parental consent and supervision.

As a teen, you learn that there's give and take in these situations. I'd be putting my foot down here and say informed parental consent or no alcohol in any shape or form.
Also discuss it with your ex before making any promises you can't/won't keep. That's what would be worse in the long term, false promises sting more than outright refusals and laying down the law.

Orion · 24-11-2014 4:56pm

A friend of mine refused to have any party in her house for her kids until they were 21. 16 and 18 she booked a room in a hotel. Then who can or can't drink is the hotel's problem and her ass is covered from angry parents asking why their kids was allowed to drink at your party.

rainbowtrout · 02-12-2014 12:29am

You are most certainly not old fashioned for thinking this is not the norm. Sweet Sixteen birthdays are certainly not the norm in Ireland, it's an American thing. I'm a secondary school teacher and I hear a certain amount about student's social lives and i've never come across a Sweet Sixteen birthday. It just doesn't happen.

Aside from all that: if you open up your house to 40 underage teenagers and allow them to drink alcohol for the evening you are opening yourself up to a whole heap of trouble. You might be OK with your daughter drinking, but you can guarantee that all the parents of all those other teenagers won't be ok with it, and won't even be aware of it in some cases.

Your daughter is pulling a fast one in my opinion. She's a teenager, that's what they do. If you are having a party in your house, then you set the rules. Why would she object to your presence unless there was stuff they didn't want you to see (mainly alcohol related more than likely).

She said that other kids are having their equivalent parties and that nobody has ever asked the parents of the kids attending if its OK for them to be drinking.

This is just manipulation.....'but all the other kids are allowed'

honestly if this party goes ahead, the smoking would be the least of your worries. They can't do stupid things when they are smoking because they've lost the run of themselves like they can on alcohol. Of all the teenagers I teach, and from the snippets of conversation I overhear in classrooms and on the corridors I don't know any 15-16 year olds who only go out 'for a quiet one'. They drink to get drunk.

The other thing : 40 teenagers to the party, I'm guessing you possibly don't know them all. Is there a need for a party this big? Is there a chance of it getting out of hand, particularly if you give into your daughter's demands. It's the type of thing that will get talked about in school. Could have gatecrashers who will not be there to respect your property.

greasepalm · 02-12-2014 12:45am

what worries me is one drink is never enough as we are the one of the largest consumers of drink.

Toots · 03-12-2014 12:06am

I've got cousins and sisters in law who are the same age as your daughter and none of them have had a sweet 16 party. As far as I know that's an american thing. Has she been watching that TV show 'My Super Sweet 16'??

Teenagers (girls in particular) are great at manipulating, and I say this as someone who was a teenage girl not a very long time ago.

Hats off to your daughter, she's really been crafty about asking you for this - saying she's nervous about asking you because she knows you're a bit old fashioned? That's you on the back foot straight away, you're feeling bad because she's nervous, so you're more likely to agree with what she wants. The whole 'none of the other kids asked their parents' bit is manipulation too.

Honestly I think you'd be insane to allow this in your house. There's absolutely massive potential for something to go wrong, and you're leaving yourself wide open for a whole heap of trouble. While these kids are at your house, you're responsible for them. So if Billy necks a naggin of vodka and then falls down the stairs and breaks his leg, it's on you. Even with numerous sets of parents there, you'd need eyes in the back of your head to keep track of that many kids.

There's also the question of where the kids are going to be getting the booze. I'd seriously doubt that 40 sets of parents are going to be cool with the idea of their kids going to a party where there could be alcohol. Even fewer again would go out and buy the drink for the kids.

You don't want a situation where a kid stumbles home drunk, gets caught by their parents and when asked where they got the drink replies "at EganTheMan's house" because the last thing they'll do is rat out the friend who got the drink for them. Then you could have angry parents saying you've supplied alcohol to a minor.

About the smoking, I assume you're not talking about regular cigarettes. It's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility that there'll be one or two there with a bit of weed.

A colleague of mine had a similar type of party for her kids during the summer. It wasn't a sweet 16, it was a wrap party for her son's transition year class group, but the format was similar - about 40/50 or so kids, drink was allowed with parental consent, herself and the hubby plus a few other parents would be chaperoning.

Loads of us were telling her she was mad to be doing it, but she was convinced it'd be great fun and that all the kids would behave. Needless to say she got a swift and unpleasant dose of reality when the day of the party arrived.

Some of the highlights of the night included several teens vomiting in the house/garden; numerous items in the house broken (not intentionally); a pair of randy teens caught getting busy in the shed of all places; a good few spliffs were confiscated; a 'scuffle' between two guys that had to be broken up; one girl who got so unbelievably drunk that she couldn't stand up unaided and her parents had to be called to come and take her home (they weren't impressed); several groups of kids showing up at the house trying to gatecrash. I'm not saying that if you do go ahead with the party all of this stuff will happen, however I've been to enough 'teen' parties and there's always something that goes wrong.

My advice would be to talk to your ex-wife without telling your daughter beforehand. It could very well turn out that she's asked your ex and she's said no, so she's now laying it on thick with you in the hopes that you'll allow the party. If you and your ex agree to allow her have a party, insist that it's in a function room as opposed to either of your houses. As Orion has already said, then the venue is responsible for not serving them. Also you won't have to worry about your stuff getting broken or puked on.

Ken. · 17-12-2014 4:17am

15 year old girls really know how to turn the screw with daddy. Mine tried to get a sweet 16 out of me in much the same way as Egan's daughter. She said this one and that ones parents were having one for them. I got in contact with them through Facebook and there kids had said "Ken is having one for his daughter".

It's a fad that's trying hard to catch on over here but not with my one. For attempting to blackmail me and lying to me I've told her she's getting no present from anyone. Although I'll probably relent on that.

Mehaffey1 · 17-12-2014 4:28am

Just having a little birthday bash...have you not watched the film Project X!?

Help! My 15 Year Old is looking to have a "Sweet Sixteen" Birthday . . .

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