Am I being a prude?

LegacyUser · 29-07-2014 11:16pm #1

I'm a guy in my early twenties and I've only recently started "embracing my sexuality". I've started to go on websites, using apps, going to gay bars, going on dates, all that stuff. But one thing that strikes me is how sexualised everything is.

For example, I was chatting to someone on gaydar, and we seemed to be getting on well. Then I asked what he was looking for and he said "fun or maybe more". I was immediately put off the moment he said "fun" and ended the conversation soon after.

Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted to embrace some of these offers, especially on grindr. Sometimes I'm not looking for anything serious and find guys attractive. But then I just get this feeling that it's wrong and somewhat risky. Am I the odd one out on feeling this way? I worry that I could be writing off decent guys because they happened to have mentioned "fun".

I suppose it's unique in gay culture, pretty much having sex on tap. Am I just being a prude by not embracing it? Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out.

Dr. Shrike · 30-07-2014 9:22am

Do your straight friends "embrace" going to Coppers or somewhere similar?

Just because you're gay, doesn't mean you have to turn sex into a political/philosophical statement.

Anyway, I recommend giving the real world a go, as well as Grindr etc.

J_E · 30-07-2014 12:23pm

shy_guy wrote: »

I suppose it's unique in gay culture, pretty much having sex on tap.

Not really, we just have less of a hangup about it. It's a bit unusual using a hookup app and then complaining when people want to hook up. I'm not saying that's it's only function but it is a primary one. Did you state you were only looking for friendship/dates?

mr.anonymous · 30-07-2014 1:15pm

OP, I could have written that word for word.

I don't like using the apps and websites but feel like there's no alternative. I'm not fully out but planning to change that soon. It's a lot easier to meet people when I'm in Dublin for college than it is at home in Westmeath.

I used to withdraw from conversation with people if fun was mentioned, but I try to get to know the person first and see if I like them, even though I'm not after 'nsa'.

I always imagined it was going to be difficult to meet other gay lads and I think I was right. Hopefully coming out to more people will help.

playedalive · 30-07-2014 1:36pm

Funnily enough, I can actually see where you are coming from. Ideally, I would prefer to meet a lad who would like to go on a few 'innocent' dates (more because I have never done those things that my straight friends would do so openly with boys and girls- meet a nice girl/boy, ask her/him out) and then see where the attraction went. But the problem is finding opportunities that permit that in 'gay world' are not as available as it is in 'straight world'. I mean, you're not going to approach a lad you've known naturally from work, etc for a while and who you like, unless you're sure he's gay, and ask him out. Then there is the fear that he is not and then, awkward. (But I guess you could argue the same for straight people to an extent). So it makes thing easier by going to a gay bar/club and having apps for gay/bi men.

Anyway, my theory aside, I guess it is a hard one to call. I have learned quickly since coming out 2 years ago (I'm 23) that dating and relationships are not always straight forward. While it would be ideal to go on a few casual dates and meet a nice guy, dating and relationships can be hard work and not ideal when life is complicated. So a bit of fun to deal with the desires for intimacy is not the worst of compromises for me. You just need to be careful. There are lovely guys out there who just want a bit of intimacy as they perhaps don't feel ready for relationship and dating (in my case, not to blow my trumpet). You just need to take precautions. See pics, speak to them on the phone.

I hope my two cents gives you food for thought.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2014 9:33pm

It's not that I'm complaining about people wanting to hook-up on hook-up apps, it's that I rule them out completely once they mention anything related to no strings attached. I know these apps and websites are primarily for hook-ups, but I'm just wondering if I am missing out on a part of life just because of my idealised view of the perfect guy.

I think to myself that if I ever wanted a serious relationship (not that I'd find one on those websites/apps) that I'd want him to be similar to me and not be the NSA type. If I found out a guy I was dating used to hook up with guys a lot, it would definitely put me off him. Maybe that's why I avoid doing it myself.

Does that sound silly?

Dane29 · 30-07-2014 9:38pm

Me to feel the same way and I'm in my 30's. Also "what are you into" has same effect on me!

Deranged96 · 31-07-2014 12:58am

Dane29 wrote: »

"what are you into" has same effect on me!

This question always weirds me out.. You can imagine the guy who sent "what are ya into?" Sitting on his bed with his hand in his pants while he waits to judge you on your response while he himself has not declared what he is into.

Anyway OP I felt the exact same as you do now and in a moment of self-righteousness and conceited arrogance I deleted my grindr thinking "I'm better than this, and I'm better than them" and now I want nothing more than to re-submerge myself in it but I'm too proud to download the app again and face the locals who basically said I'd be back on it in no time when I get over myself

I would now say not to feel bad about sex, yes there's a certain guttural quality to the way gay society works but if you can't beat them join them

just play her Cautious you know yourself and there's a difference between embracing it and revelling in it

them's me 2c

MultiUmm · 31-07-2014 3:54am

shy_guy wrote: »

It's not that I'm complaining about people wanting to hook-up on hook-up apps, it's that I rule them out completely once they mention anything related to no strings attached. I know these apps and websites are primarily for hook-ups, but I'm just wondering if I am missing out on a part of life just because of my idealised view of the perfect guy.

I think to myself that if I ever wanted a serious relationship (not that I'd find one on those websites/apps) that I'd want him to be similar to me and not be the NSA type. If I found out a guy I was dating used to hook up with guys a lot, it would definitely put me off him. Maybe that's why I avoid doing it myself.

Does that sound silly?

If you're going in with an idealised mental image of your "perfect guy" you are going to find flaws in every guy you meet. It's also unfair and unrealistic to hold someone's past over them. So what if a guy you were dating used to have casual sex in the past? It doesn't affect you in the present. Everyone's got a past and guys are going to have sex. If you meet someone who you really like and vice versa it would be a bit silly to dump them just because they've had sex with other guys previously. It's also a bit unrealistic too.

If you rule out every guy who says they're looking for "fun or maybe more" you'll miss out on opportunities. Unless he flat out states he wants nothing more than a once-off hook up what's the harm in meeting him for a coffee? And if it leads to a bit of "fun", so what? Intimacy is a totally natural desire and there's no shame in wanting it and acting out on it, the important thing is to just be safe although I'm sure you're aware of that. And if you hit it off more dates might very well follow.

To answer your question, I do think you're being a tad bit uptight. There's nothing wrong with not wanting random nsa hook-ups, but being open-minded and accepting that a lot of guys will want and desire sex would be helpful.

(On a foot-note, straight people want and have sex just as much as gay people. It's just that gay culture has the label of promiscuity attached to it, hence the perception that we're sex crazed.)

J_E · 31-07-2014 11:52am

Deranged96 wrote: »

This question always weirds me out.. You can imagine the guy who sent "what are ya into?" Sitting on his bed with his hand in his pants while he waits to judge you on your response while he himself has not declared what he is into.

Heaven forbid he's a man with sexual desires!

I would now say not to feel bad about sex, yes there's a certain guttural quality to the way gay society works but if you can't beat them join them

So all straight folk sit rigidly in bed every night waiting for their prince/princess? Come on, you're being a bit unfair here. Sounds to me you have a hangup about sex, even if you are looking for a relationship scenario.

Deranged96 · 31-07-2014 12:52pm

Cydoniac wrote: »

Heaven forbid he's a man with sexual disires!

That's not what I menant :P I should be "I'm into bla bla bla, and you?" Instead of putting pressure on the other person

ongarboy · 31-07-2014 1:56pm

Dating and hook up apps are generally just that. Of course, you can make friends and form meaningful long lasting relationships through them but if the majority of those who subscribe to these apps are not into that, then the odds are already stacked against you. However, it is also not wrong to sow your wild oats. If you are attracted to some guys, why not go for it and have a bit of fun too - it may evolve into something deeper and may not but that's ok too. Feeling guilty or that it is wrong is doing you a disservice.

If you are not into NSAs, hook ups or immediate sex then maybe look at other outlets for meeting people and for more organic relationships and friendships to evolve such as the various sports, hillwalking, dining, singing, running, drama among other groups that are out there. I understand this can be more challenging outside large population centres where choice is less.

I would also say it is easier to form friendships and connect with people if you don't have a judgemental or prudish streak about their sex drive or past history or curernt outlook. We're all on a different level of the scale sexually and shouldn't be judged any less as people because we may differ. Such differences and diversity make us all the more interesting.

Ash885 · 02-08-2014 11:28am

This is just my view, but I think gay guys (and maybe lassies?) start the dating phase a lot later on than their straight coutner parts. By the time you're in your early twenties it's all kicking off and maybe you see relationships through rose-tinted glasses that maybe were more innocent appropriate at aged 16.

Sure at the start in no one shape or form was I going beyond holding hands on a date, so yeah I felt prudish. My advice would be dates, dates, dates. It's experiene at the end of the day and the it's a good way to test the waters on what it is you actually want. And even if things go **** up, you're making friends! Obviously don't do anything you'll regret but at the same time a bit of openness is required.

playedalive · 02-08-2014 1:15pm

Ash885 wrote: »

at the same time a bit of openness is required.

I think Ash is said the most important thing. I think it's necessary to be open to what other people are looking for, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to do what they would like from you, particularly if you're not comfortable yet. Any decent guy will respect that, trust me.

floggg · 02-08-2014 7:14pm

Ash885 wrote: »

This is just my view, but I think gay guys (and maybe lassies?) start the dating phase a lot later on than their straight coutner parts. By the time you're in your early twenties it's all kicking off and maybe you see relationships through rose-tinted glasses that maybe were more innocent appropriate at aged 16.

Sure at the start in no one shape or form was I going beyond holding hands on a date, so yeah I felt prudish. My advice would be dates, dates, dates. It's experiene at the end of the day and the it's a good way to test the waters on what it is you actually want. And even if things go **** up, you're making friends! Obviously don't do anything you'll regret but at the same time a bit of openness is required.

I think the other problem is that gay people can tend to soak up some of the homophobia so prevalent in our society - particularly the idea that gay sex is something wrong, shameful or to be embarrassed about, that gay men are promiscuous and that "promiscuity" or any form of liberal attitude to sex is wrong in of itself.

That tends particularly to be the case with the closeted or the newly out, as they've never really had an healthy conversations about or experiences of gay sex, or even seen it discussed or portrayed.

So when the OP says he wants to try it but stops himself because he thinks it's shameful I think it's all that internalised shame and guilt manifesting himself.

Mr.Frame · 03-08-2014 12:20am

I know of numerous guys who met on gaydar and grindr so don't knock these sites completely.

Of course there are guys on gaydar/grindr who want sex,but you could meet a guy in a bar and he may only want NSA as well,such is life.

As for the comment "gay culture", what exactly is "gay culture" are you assuming that it means that all gay men are only having sex all the time??...nonsense.

Gay men are no more promiscuous that "straight men".

Ask any straight guy going out on a fri or sat night and most are hoping to "get lucky". That's life.

Some straight guys want to go out and meet a nice girl to date ect., others want to go out and have sex with a girl.

As for the OP having shame ect .. ALL gay men have a percentage of internalised homophobia.I would suggest you contact OUTHOUSE in Dublin and ask about their courses (personal development courses and "internalised homophobia" course) .I attended these courses years ago and I couldn't recommend them highly enough.

playedalive · 06-08-2014 1:05am

Feel that my previous post was not rightly accurate and have represented my true point of view after some thought and reflection.

shy_guy wrote: »

But then I just get this feeling that it's wrong and somewhat risky. Am I the odd one out on feeling this way? I worry that I could be writing off decent guys because they happened to have mentioned "fun".

I suppose it's unique in gay culture, pretty much having sex on tap. Am I just being a prude by not embracing it? Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out.

While I did say that grindr was 'nice' for me to have some no strings fun, it doesn't mean you need to necessarily do that to explore your sexuality. For me, it was helpful to meet a few guys, see what happened and have a little bit of intimacy and/or kill some curiousity. After these meets, I feel that NSA has served its purpose and that it's not really for me. I want to properly date someone, enjoy texting them, go on dates and maybe let real attraction make me want to be intimate with them. ATM I don't think grindr will let that happen and I'm going to take a break from it and just try to get out there and meet people when I move abroad.

With sex, there is always a risk. Regardless if you think you really know the guy. On grindr, I would say I have stupidly been a little risky. Particularly in one situation where the guy I was meeting actually posted a completely different picture. It really is up to you to be careful.

playedalive wrote: »

So a bit of fun to deal with the desires for intimacy is not the worst of compromises for me. You just need to be careful. There are lovely guys out there who just want a bit of intimacy as they perhaps don't feel ready for relationship and dating (in my case, not to blow my trumpet). You just need to take precautions. See pics, speak to them on the phone.

That kinda sums up my last point. The hard thing about grindr, for me, is that if you're not used to, you can easily get attached to guys who want nothing more than NSA (as was my last time). I thought I would be just happy with NSA, but I really want a boyfriend/partner in crime. You do really need to go on knowing what you want. I guess being open to what other guys want is great, but, at the end of the day, you have to think of you and what will make you happy. Just because people say grindr doesn't mean it's for you. But then again, I don't think it was for me in the first place, yet I tried it and now know it's not for me. I don't really regret trying it. I wish I had been more careful with regard to meeting guys (particularly that creep I met) but at least I've learned from the experience.

Edit: I'm not denying Grindr can be great for meeting potential dates/boyfriends/friends, but it's more the exception than the rule imo

Am I being a prude?

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