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Poem

  • 09-01-2014 12:53am
    #1
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭


    AN EXPLANATION

    I.

    You'd imagine there'd have been a broken plate,
    -I'm wracking my mind-
    But in the rubble of six years, there's not a household item.

    I can think of whispered furies,
    On cobblestoned streets in Temple Bar.
    Or even drunken outbursts,
    And shrieks - oh the screaming-
    For everyone to hear.

    But like there's no home,
    There's no friend to turn to.
    There's no advice you can ask for,
    Not when you love in a box.
    (You can scream but you just can't share)

    II.

    I used to dream - and fearfully I'll add
    - Why not be honest?
    That one day it would be real.
    I don't know how it would have happened.
    Or what you would have done.
    It probably wouldn't have been like in the movies,
    Where you'd grab my hand and say she's the one.

    A quieter victory I guess.
    A L'Oreal moment.
    Where you'd turn and say she's worth it.
    If even just to me at first.

    "You can wait forever
    But that train's not going to come".

    III.

    I'm sick of feeling guilty.
    Of repeating "I GET IT"
    I GET IT
    I GET IT
    ...what??

    I do get it. Not what you think.
    We all have our its.

    History's just the winning side.
    What happens her story when I lose?

    IV.

    That's why I do it.
    That's why I always did it.
    All I've ever wanted is to be loved.

    Can we throw it up?
    Can we get it out?
    What's inside.
    We can keep trying.

    Rice is nice.

    V.

    What happens when there's nothing left?
    I've always watched the waves flee to sea.
    As a young girl I didn't believe in reconciliation or salvaging.
    But the waves that go come back.
    Still... They don't break the same.


Comments

  • #2
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Eartha Braveheart


    I don't really write poetry. If anyone had any tips on form or just general thoughts they'd be appreciated


  • #3
    EdwardCole
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭EdwardCole


    Probably the best advice I every got on writing was to stick with it. If I look at the poems I started writing and compare them to those that I write now there is a world of difference. All I did was keep writing..


  • #4
    Pretzill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,696 ✭✭✭Pretzill


    Eartha Braveheart wrote: »
    I don't really write poetry. If anyone had any tips on form or just general thoughts they'd be appreciated

    That's hard to believe! Honestly there's a lot of excellent things going on in your poem - first line is great and actually the way it links with the last line is very relevant - you had me in the opening strophe but the piece faded in parts 3 and 4 - you lost me - it was almost like it became too personal to the writer and I couldn't understand. But yeah that could just be me - loved the closing line -


  • #5
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Eartha Braveheart


    Pretzill wrote: »
    That's hard to believe! Honestly there's a lot of excellent things going on in your poem - first line is great and actually the way it links with the last line is very relevant - you had me in the opening strophe but the piece faded in parts 3 and 4 - you lost me - it was almost like it became too personal to the writer and I couldn't understand. But yeah that could just be me - loved the closing line -

    Thanks for the feedback pretzill. I agree with you about 3 and 4 maybe becoming a little muddled and needing some editing. I'll work on it. Thanks for the advice.


  • #6
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Some great moments within it, I particularly like the first section. However it did seem to drift into a stream of conciousness for most of the rest, and you could definitely go back and revise quite a lot of it. Parts 3 and 4 lack the strength of the rest of it, for me, you could remove/replace them completely, I dont see them add much. You can write some very strong lines, but those are weak.


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  • #7
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Eartha Braveheart


    Oryx wrote: »
    Some great moments within it, I particularly like the first section. However it did seem to drift into a stream of conciousness for most of the rest, and you could definitely go back and revise quite a lot of it. Parts 3 and 4 lack the strength of the rest of it, for me, you could remove/replace them completely, I dont see them add much. You can write some very strong lines, but those are weak.

    Thanks Oryx. Will take that advice on board. Appreciate the response


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