Baby now or wait?

saggycaggy · 17-12-2010 12:10pm #1

Hi Everybody, just looking for a bit of advice/feedback/opinion!

Myself and my husband had our daughter in 2008 and I was 24 at the time. Since then we have married and set up home in Dublin, we're from "the country". My job is pretty secure and im delighted with that and last week we got brilliant news that my husbands contract with work is going to be renewed for another 12 months taking us up to March 2012!
Because of our good news and the bit of stabilty for the next year or so my husband wants us to go again for a little brother/sister for our daughter and try and not to have a huge age gap between them. I don't want a large age gap between 2 children either but I do feel there is something holding me back.
We are both from the same town and dont have any family near us in Dublin. We have enough money to get us through the month but we hardly ever go out or socialise. A trip to the cinema is a real treat and the last time we went was a few months ago, we rarely get out even to see our friends and sometimes I feel a bit isolated where we live ( part of that being my fault that I dont drive!)
So im worried with two children it'l get worse and I feel too young (27!) to be too tied down and missing out on socialising/meeting with friends etc- but then again I dont want a huge age gap!!
I probably sound selfish putting some of these things before more children but I miss my friends and having that bit of "freedom" that im only getting back now!
Any thoughts?

Thanks

Joey the lips · 17-12-2010 12:16pm

Once you have any children your social life is poor. What we do is go out on our own and occasionally get a baby sitter once a year. We are dubs living in the country so the same problem as you in reverse.

Like you its not work that prevents us having kids.

However... If you wait.. all the people around you that are in your circle will have kids and you wont be going out with them anyway.

I dont know when the right time is to have kids tbh its something you have to decide but we had our first at 29 and tbh i am sorry i did not do it when i was 19 as they would young teenagers now...

Its going to be something you will have to figure...

topper75 · 17-12-2010 12:18pm

For most people (I stress most!), contact with friends diminishes steadily from late twenties onwards anyway. So I wouldn't let it be a major factor in your decision.

Anything you can do about driving? It would really be a progressive move for you as a couple either way.

kmick · 17-12-2010 12:22pm

2 children really does double the work - its not like 1.5 times it or anything. Having said that it is easy to learn to drive so why dont you do that first then have a baby?

How Strange · 17-12-2010 12:32pm

Op I suppose having kids puts restrictions on our lives. I'm expecting our first and 90% of me wants to have our 2nd pretty soon after but there's 10% of me that thinks 'that's the end of my life for 5-6 years then' so I can empathise. We're very fortunate as we have family close by to help out.

Def learn how to drive. It will give you so much more freedom and you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. If you started in jan you could be driving with a full licence by August.

I suppose essentially having kids means we have to sacrifice things in our personal lives and the most obvious one is a social life but it doesn't last forever although it might seem like it will at the time.

wellsir · 17-12-2010 12:36pm

dont wiat...we waited and then struggled to get pregnant with number two... with a number of miscarriages...but my supa dupa wife is now at 12 weeks so fingers crossed.

You can try and plan these things out too much...we had zero cash when number one arrived, I was working with herself in college part time and some full time.....college was delayed and so on..but we got by, you just do, you have to.

Best of luck.

17-12-2010 12:41pm

If you know you're going to have another child at some point then I personally would recommend doing it now. It really is a great age for your daughter to have a sibling. My daughter is 6 and a half and I'm really really sorry I didn't have another when she was much younger but personal reasons prevented it, and now I'm left in a situation where I'm not currently fertile and my daughter could be 8 before it happens.

This probably won't come across very well and I apologise if it doesn't, but you say that you don't have very much of a social life at the moment, but you also say that a social life is what is holding you back from having another, if it was a thing that you though your social life was going to dramatically improve then you may have an argument but the likelyhood is it won't.

My final reason for you to go for it now, is that the earlier you have your second, the earlier both of your children are a bit more independent, making it easier for you to get a bit of your social life back, the later you leave having your second child, the later this will happen.

You know best at the end of the day, and that's just my opinion

saggycaggy · 17-12-2010 12:56pm

Hi all-thank you so much for the replies, really got me thinking!
The thing with the driving is-my husband (then boyfriend) took me on my first lesson when I was 17! I have done many lessons and i know "how" to drive but I'm I panic when in the car and don't have the conifdence to drive. I hate that I dont drive, I hate that I dont have the courage to drive and hate that it prevents me from taking my daughter places. I panic even on the bus with her, if she gets cranky and a wee bit bold or anything I worry about people watching me cope so I never get the bus with her-I have to always rely on my husband. I swore I wouldnt have another child until I could drive so maybe if i try harder at that we will then (please god) have another one.
I know I said I am missing out on socialising and thats whats stopping me-but what I meant is finally now that our daughter is that bit older we are trying to make more time for ourselves and to meet friends-friends are extremely important to me and I have a brilliant network of friends. My friends meet up regularly even just for coffee (some are in Dublin) and I hate that I can't due to guilt/money/time, but you guys are right-family is so important too. I take on board what you all are saying and yes I prob would be mad putting it off but first I have to drive, I have to build up the confidence and do it!

17-12-2010 1:05pm

I only learned to drive when I was pregnant with my daughter and I was terrified, never ever thought I would drive, I bawled my eyes out when my husband booked me lessons :pac: And now, I love driving and have often though about becoming an instructor! Just find an instructor who you are really comfortable with and go from there

Moonbeam · 17-12-2010 2:04pm

The only thing that would bother me in your situation is creche fees for 2 and can you afford them? or can you afford to give up work?

The advantage of waiting is if you only plan a small family then you could plan the 2nd for when the 1st starts school.

I can't see much difference between having 1 child or 2 you are already having to think about the child before you do anyhting:)

Don't worry about learning to drive but maybe lessons in leinster driving school or another off road campus like that might help you gain some confidence.

lynski · 17-12-2010 6:15pm

I learnt to drive while preg with no 2. I had had lots of lessons so like you i 'knew' how but had no confidence so I booked 10 lessons over 3 wks and was driving by myself after that - still have not passed my test tho - 3 times now!
Anyway re having a another, my first 2 are 2 yrs apart and the next will be 2yrs 4 mths, i did it close together for 2 reasons, 1 for me because if we ever did get a bit of out life back i would never have gone again and 2 for them because the closer in age i think the closer the children. and when they are in their 40's they will be very close together.

good luck either way.

Baby now or wait?

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