so very alone in my life

roleplayer · 15-06-2014 10:39am #1

Hi there,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. A little about myself, I am a 41yr old man, living in a city where I moved to with work (Limerick), got married since I moved here, have no children, got made redundant from a high pressure high paying job, and ended up with depression (again).
I have been fighting depression on and off for most of my life, I just about manage to keep it under control, and it has been a while since it was at its worst.
I may seem to have skipped over my life to date, but the reason for that is there is nothing I can do about that. It is the now and the future that I am looking to and thinking of.

Not to sound too self-pitying, but I am just so lonely. Myself and my wife haven’t slept in the same bed for over a year, our physical relationship has been limited to a hug or peck on the cheek for even longer then that. We have done counselling, date nights all that has been suggested. But nothing changed.
I have joined clubs, done classes, even thrown myself fully into volunteering to meet people, help people and get out of the house.

I am not looking for a date, or something romantic. I want a friend, someone to talk to and have a laugh with. Meet for a coffee, go for a walk, do a crossword, whatever. I am highly educated and not to blow my own trumpet quite intelligent. I have so much to offer, I could help so many people, if I could I would love my own child to pass on some of the stuff I was taught by my Dad and through life in general, but that isn’t an option.
Other then what I mentioned above, what can I do? I didn’t have the interest or concentration for the clubs I joined, and the professional values I tried to bring to the volunteering alienated me from them too. The only other people I knew here have left looking for work elsewhere.
What can I do to meet a friend, someone to talk to, without pressure without the worries of depression, the worries and stress of home. A friend with a clean slate.
Thanks for reading,
Lonely and alone in Limerick.

LegacyUser · 15-06-2014 11:04am

OP : sounds to me you need to get out of your marriage, and Limerick. You could start afresh somewhere else.

Lou.m · 15-06-2014 11:20am

roleplayer wrote: »

Hi there,
Thanks for taking the time to read this. A little about myself, I am a 41yr old man, living in a city where I moved to with work (Limerick), got married since I moved here, have no children, got made redundant from a high pressure high paying job, and ended up with depression (again).
I have been fighting depression on and off for most of my life, I just about manage to keep it under control, and it has been a while since it was at its worst.
I may seem to have skipped over my life to date, but the reason for that is there is nothing I can do about that. It is the now and the future that I am looking to and thinking of.

Not to sound too self-pitying, but I am just so lonely. Myself and my wife haven’t slept in the same bed for over a year, our physical relationship has been limited to a hug or peck on the cheek for even longer then that. We have done counselling, date nights all that has been suggested. But nothing changed.
I have joined clubs, done classes, even thrown myself fully into volunteering to meet people, help people and get out of the house.

I am not looking for a date, or something romantic. I want a friend, someone to talk to and have a laugh with. Meet for a coffee, go for a walk, do a crossword, whatever. I am highly educated and not to blow my own trumpet quite intelligent. I have so much to offer, I could help so many people, if I could I would love my own child to pass on some of the stuff I was taught by my Dad and through life in general, but that isn’t an option.
Other then what I mentioned above, what can I do? I didn’t have the interest or concentration for the clubs I joined, and the professional values I tried to bring to the volunteering alienated me from them too. The only other people I knew here have left looking for work elsewhere.
What can I do to meet a friend, someone to talk to, without pressure without the worries of depression, the worries and stress of home. A friend with a clean slate.
Thanks for reading,
Lonely and alone in Limerick.

Hello OP,

I don't want to tell you what to do. But I think the relationship needs to be resolved. You will feel alone until it is. Either decide it cannot be reconciled and move on or work on it more.

But I would wager life is going to seem lonely living and being married to someone in that situation.

If you don't enjoy clubs or volunteering you might try meet ups.

I hope you feel better.

roleplayer · 15-06-2014 11:42am

Thanks Lou,
I know the relationship needs to be resolved, I would just like someone to be able to step out my current situation with. Be they male or female, I am not looking for a relationship, just someone to be "normal" with while I sort out everything else.

Lou.m · 15-06-2014 12:29pm

roleplayer wrote: »

Thanks Lou,
I know the relationship needs to be resolved, I would just like someone to be able to step out my current situation with. Be they male or female, I am not looking for a relationship, just someone to be "normal" with while I sort out everything else.

Roleplayer??
Are you a gamer?

Could you meet people RPG etc? Or am I reading too much into that?

I guess just keep trying to meet people.

fits · 15-06-2014 12:35pm

How about taking up something like cycling? You could get a road bike and aim for an event. Lots of clubs around the country and its a good way to meet people from all walks of life. Plus as your fitness progresses you would feel a sense of achievement. It sounds like you need your 'own thing' to do. And yeah you need to sort out the marriage as well at some stage.

SATSUMA · 15-06-2014 3:39pm

Have you tried personal therapy without your wife?

roleplayer · 15-06-2014 5:39pm

SATSUMA wrote: »

Have you tried personal therapy without your wife?

Hi Satsuma,
I have indeed tried therapy, to varying degrees of success on my own. You need to be able to relax and trust the therapist, ironicaly the person that helped me most was moved to a different position as part of their training. and as I am out of work I don't hav the money to keep trying until I find another that suits. While my depression is and remains a problem, it is not as bad as it has previously been.

Thanks though.

ABajaninCork · 15-06-2014 5:45pm

Have you been to your GP? The meds might need to be adjusted.

roleplayer · 15-06-2014 6:06pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Have you been to your GP? The meds might need to be adjusted.

I am seeing a specialist, they feel I am on the correct dossages of the different meds I am taking.

Rubberchikken · 15-06-2014 9:13pm

Have you spoke to your wife?
What do you think she'd say if you told her how alone you're feeling?

It doesnt make sense to want to look for someone to share things with while you're married.

To start to feel happy again you'll have to address any issues in your marriage first.
Good luck

power101 · 16-06-2014 6:01pm

Roleplayer do you play any sports? We play soccer twice weekly at 7pm out on the new UL astro pitches. It's a relaxed game and you're more than welcome to join. No one playing knew eachother before we started playing and a new player joins every month.

roleplayer · 17-06-2014 6:14pm

Thanks for the ideas and suggestions.

AnyoneTOO · 19-06-2014 4:54am

Depression is sadly, a part of who you are. Its a negative emotion that all of us have in various quantities.
It never goes away.
It can only be managed partially by positive thinking ---- when one is able to!
Therapy is only a short time solution as are drugs.

I've been there and done all of it. My strategies work, partially, for me.
I have to change strategies often too and sometimes use new ideas that I come up with myself.
If it helps, What I do/think is sometimes ask myself ''does it really matter''? What is it all about? Why worry? Who Cares?
The answer is always NO!
In your situation one thing is clear. Your wife does not care enough about you to prompt positive thinking --- if she has not already done so.
If she has then you have slipped up.
Sleeping in different rooms and leading independent lives mean probably that your marriage is over and love no longer exists. Its just duty now.

The bottom line for you is that YOU and YOU alone are the only one who has a 100% responsibility to resolve the situation you are in.
You have to love yourself first, enough to sort yourself out and keep on top of it, whatever way you decide to do it.
The best doctor for you is yourself, only you know whats in your mind. No one else does and no one else can fill the gaps that you have other than yourself.
Further to that, if you want friends, the only way to have friends to to be friendly!
No one wants friends who are in a negative etc frame of mind and no one wants to listen to such things either. Would you?
You are not alone. There are no end of us like this in our modern world.
I am a 49 year old single father of 4 children ages 6 to 16. I have no family other than my children. I know all about ''alone'' and frankly speaking its better than the way life was when the childrens mother was around with her debauched behaviour and friends. I know too that I am condemed to a life alone because I have baggage! But my attitude is that Its their loss!
Open your mind :-)

roleplayer · 20-06-2014 12:52pm

Thanks all, I'll not be actively following this thread anymore. The common opinion seems to be that the solution is in my hands. Something I knew already, I wasn't looking for a magic wand I could wave, I know those just don't exist just a friend to talk to, not someone to listen to my problems, not someone to solve them, just someone to have a chat or laugh with about nothing in particular.

I will be taking some of the advice given. You never know we might be talking soon.

Thanks again.

so very alone in my life

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