Girl went off with another guy?

LegacyUser · 12-02-2008 10:05pm #1

Myself and a girl have gotten really close over the last few weeks, she's come down to me in college, we slept in the same bed,cuddled,held hands, kissed, spent the last weekend togethor,she told me she really likes me but last nite she went out, got drunk and went off with another guy!?

What do I read out of this situation?

Wibbs · 12-02-2008 10:41pm

Read that she's hedging her bets. Take a stand and make it clear what you want. Don't wuss out and be her cuddle bunny.

Gyalist · 12-02-2008 10:52pm

You were out-alphaed. While you were probably waiting on her permission to escalate another man came and took what he wanted.

cold_filter · 12-02-2008 11:15pm

Gyalist wrote: »

You were out-alphaed. While you were probably waiting on her permission to escalate another man came and took what he wanted.

Interesting way of phrasing it

But if you wanted her why didnt you make it clear, maybe ask her out on a real date or kiss her?

paulksnn · 12-02-2008 11:26pm

What do you want to read OP?
Do you still like her? If so, step up to the mark.
I've heard about people continuing with that until some sort of "exclusive" agreement is reached.....
How do you know what she did? Did you or a someone you know see her? Or did she tell you?

WhiteWashMan · 13-02-2008 12:01am

well, its clear your not in an exclusive relationship, so i wouldnt bother with any of that 'she did the dirt on me' emo crap

if you want her, then tell her, but it may be too late.

Nevyn · 13-02-2008 12:03am

Are you dating her or are you in a relationship with her ?
This could be your chance to up the ante and have the talk about dating exclusivly with an eye to building a relationship but you would want to have a talk about what your deal breakers are.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 12:57am

We're not dating, when we talked about it we agreed to carry on as we and see what happens,no pressure on us,I have kissed her several times, we've known each other for 3 months now, its only recently (ie 2 weeks) we've gotten really close, last weekend being the main one when she told me she really likes me and kissed me. I really like her too. I have no solid facts that she did, but she was acting strange today when txting me and someone left a comment on her bebo that she was with a guy last night, she told me this morning she stayed at a friends last night, could that be the guys? I dont wanna be coming accross as a stalker or anything but I really like this girl and if she's not interested in being more than my cuddle buddy I need to know before I get seriously hurt! Its not like I'd be acusing her of cheating or anything as we're not in a relationship bar close friends but if she's as interested in me as she let's on, she'd be only interested in me and not other guys??

WhiteWashMan · 13-02-2008 2:07am

Thaedydal wrote: »

Are you dating her or are you in a relationship with her ?
This could be your chance to up the ante and have the talk about dating exclusivly with an eye to building a relationship but you would want to have a talk about what your deal breakers are.

you been going to those business speak lessons again?

Wibbs · 13-02-2008 10:55am

Cynic hat on....

Unreg1365 wrote: »

We're not dating, when we talked about it we agreed to carry on as we and see what happens,no pressure on us,

Which could mean "we agreed to carry on as we and see what happens,no pressure on us" or she is hedging her bets and keeping her options open in case someone else comes along and as you have agreed to that, she will be blameless if someone else does come along.

I have kissed her several times,

That's good anyway.

we've known each other for 3 months now, its only recently (ie 2 weeks) we've gotten really close, last weekend being the main one when she told me she really likes me and kissed me. I really like her too.

Good again, though it sounds like she made the first move. Did you like her before this? Why didn't you make the first move?

I have no solid facts that she did, but she was acting strange today when txting me and someone left a comment on her bebo that she was with a guy last night, she told me this morning she stayed at a friends last night, could that be the guys?

Who knows? I wouldn't bring it up anyway as you will look a bit needy, for want of a better word, as you have already agreed to her idea that you should take it slow/no pressure.

I dont wanna be coming accross as a stalker or anything but I really like this girl and if she's not interested in being more than my cuddle buddy I need to know before I get seriously hurt!

Then don't mention the bebo bit or any of that nonsense. Next time you're out with her(valentines being a charm for this), make it a fun night, end on the old snog and ask her what's what. Tell her you want to make it more exclusive and see where she takes that. Don't ask her in a desperate way either.

Its not like I'd be acusing her of cheating or anything as we're not in a relationship bar close friends

IMHO, women(or indeed men, I suppose) who fancy you and want to be with you, make it very clear. You can act like a complete dolt and she would still go for it. The exceptions would be someone who has just come out of a heavy relationship and wants to take it slow. Otherwise taking it slow can either mean keeping the options open in most cases especially with younger women(as I cast my mind back:D), or it can mean someone doesn't want to scare the other one away. I think her angle is the first part of that and your agreeing to it is the last.

but if she's as interested in me as she let's on, she'd be only interested in me and not other guys??

Well you agreed to it and I strongly suspect she was driving that "no pressure" conversation, so what do you expect? She gave you the ingredients, you baked it for her and now can have her cake and eat it.

Cynic hat off....

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 11:04am

Wibbs wrote: »

Cynic hat on....Which could mean "we agreed to carry on as we and see what happens,no pressure on us" or she is hedging her bets and keeping her options open in case someone else comes along and as you have agreed to that, she will be blameless if someone else does come along. That's good anyway. Good again, though it sounds like she made the first move. Did you like her before this? Why didn't you make the first move? Who knows? I wouldn't bring it up anyway as you will look a bit needy, for want of a better word, as you have already agreed to her idea that you should take it slow/no pressure. Then don't mention the bebo bit or any of that nonsense. Next time you're out with her(valentines being a charm for this), make it a fun night, end on the old snog and ask her what's what. Tell her you want to make it more exclusive and see where she takes that. Don't ask her in a desperate way either. IMHO, women(or indeed men, I suppose) who fancy you and want to be with you, make it very clear. You can act like a complete dolt and she would still go for it. The exceptions would be someone who has just come out of a heavy relationship and wants to take it slow. Otherwise taking it slow can either mean keeping the options open in most cases especially with younger women(as I cast my mind back:D), or it can mean someone doesn't want to scare the other one away. I think her angle is the first part of that and your agreeing to it is the last.Well you agreed to it and I strongly suspect she was driving that "no pressure" conversation, so what do you expect? She gave you the ingredients, you baked it for her and now can have her cake and eat it.

Cynic hat off....

Thanks for the help, I was the first to tell her I liked her about a month ago and she told me she liked me about 2 weeks ago,but she wouldnt tell me straight, she said I had to figure it out for myself and this game went on for about a week. I'm quiet a shy guy so I didn't know if I should make the first move. Shes coming down to visit me in college next week (we both live in the same hometown but in different colleges) and shes away this weekend so when I see her next week should I just tell her I really like her and I want to make it more exclusive? But do that at the end of the night?
Should I go out and start keeping my options open?

Marksie · 13-02-2008 11:27am

Unreg1365 wrote: »

when I see her next week should I just tell her I really like her and I want to make it more exclusive?

Why wait. I fyou want to have "the conversation" have it now, at least you will know and not be hopoping from foot to foot.

Cynic hat or no Wibbs if some said they "liked" or let thigs go on as they were.

I dont think its wussing out to be a cuddle bunny lol.... juts dont be an exclusive cuddle bunny

I would take it as that and go on dating others. Goose and gander IMO.
Its been made quite clear so exculsivity isnt an issue.

There is a differnce between enjoying someone for who they are and willing yourself to believe there is more into the situation than your are reading.

She has been fairly straight up about it. Its you choice if you want to moon and suffer angst or do the same as her.
Shuffling your feet in the corner while she goes of with somene else is not the way to go.
Either make sure she goes of with you or you go off with somene else.
I

Unreg1365 wrote: »

But do that at the end of the night?

and end up hopping from foot to foot all night waiting for the right time for the conversation.
then coming all heavy and meesing it up.

Nah talk to her before hand or accept it for what it is

Unreg1365 wrote: »

Should I go out and start keeping my options open?

yes yes yes

Wibbs · 13-02-2008 12:08pm

Marksie has a good angle on it

Unreg1365 wrote: »

Thanks for the help, I was the first to tell her I liked her about a month ago and she told me she liked me about 2 weeks ago,but she wouldnt tell me straight, she said I had to figure it out for myself and this game went on for about a week.

Ahhhhh yes game playing. Love that crap. Don't play along. Rule one with game players.

I'm quiet a shy guy so I didn't know if I should make the first move.

If you don't make a stand you won't know where you stand.

Shes coming down to visit me in college next week (we both live in the same hometown but in different colleges) and shes away this weekend so when I see her next week should I just tell her I really like her and I want to make it more exclusive?

Don't tell her you really like her. She knows this bit already. This is the bit that has you on the back foot. She knows you for months, she has played around with you a bit(not too badly mind, usual girly nonsense) and you kept in the game. You've told her you liked her first so of course she knows exactly how you feel about her. She's even kept you around on her terms. I'm quite sure you want an exclusive relationship and it seems she wants to keep her options open. Who is in the driving seat here? Which viewpoint is in play? That would be hers then.

But do that at the end of the night?

Yea or whenever it naturally comes up. Don't be too emotional. Just state that you would like to go out with her exclusively. If she hmms and hawws about that, just say OK, then maybe we should just be friends. She how she takes that. If she does go for it, I would be mercenary for the moment and phase her out.

Should I go out and start keeping my options open?

Yes, but I don't think you will as you're focussed on this particular woman.

Nevyn · 13-02-2008 1:39pm

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

you been going to those business speak lessons again?

All relationships are about communication, negotiation , compromise and contracts/rules of the relationship.

How else are people to get what they want/need from them ?

If people took the time to understand the position of the other person as well as they would with a business client/partner and were able to take a look at what is going on other then how what is going on is making them feel then instead of feeling panicked oh noes she kissed someone else they can look at what is to be gained from the situation.

In this case instead of dating and not knowing what is going on and falling into a relationship which so many people do with out ever making a conscious choice the OP can raise the terms and conditions he requires and listen to hers also and they can know where they stand either at the start of a relationship or after talking to her about what her requirements and expectations are walk way not having gotten heavily emotionally invested.

IT could very well be that is the op is as shy as he claims that she wants him to come forward and define the terms of that type of relationship they are in as it seem that he has not said to her I don't want you dating anyone else and him finding out about the kiss was her way of spurring him into action be it sorting things out or walking away.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 2:29pm

Thanks for all the input guys!

So should I just tell her I want more than just being friends and waiting to see what happens and ask her can we be exclusive with no pressure from there? When she told me she liked me and we kissed, she txt me asking what did I want to do from here and I said what do you want to do and thats when she said she does'nt want to pressure anything and let things just take there natural course, maybe I should just tell her what I want, ie that we don't see other people because then nothing may happen between us?

But at the same time I dont want to freak her out or anything!

Meathlass · 13-02-2008 2:37pm

You really have to take the bull by the horn here. Ring her (don't text) and tell her you like her and you'd like to spend time with her and date properly and exclusively. If she's just interested in playing games or maybe not interested in something serious than make sure you get a clear answer from her. Just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean you have to declare undying love to each other from day one. Ye can still take it easy, just not with her meeting other people. If she's not interested in this than don't stay around to be her 'cuddle-bunny', you're wasting your time. Ring her today, no more excuses. Maybe she's just looking for you to take the initiative?

Nevyn · 13-02-2008 2:38pm

It's early days neither of you want to appear to be too intense or too needed to each other hence the what do you want to do, I don't know what do you want to do routine.

McSween · 13-02-2008 2:42pm

go out with her this weekend and have a bloody good time. play it cool, if the subject of something more permanent or exclusive comes up, dont formalise it in the sense of "i dont want us to see other people"......say something along the lines of "let's give it a shot" and see how you get on. try bringing humour in to it aswell as being serious.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 2:48pm

Meathlass wrote: »

You really have to take the bull by the horn here. Ring her (don't text) and tell her you like her and you'd like to spend time with her and date properly and exclusively. If she's just interested in playing games or maybe not interested in something serious than make sure you get a clear answer from her. Just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean you have to declare undying love to each other from day one. Ye can still take it easy, just not with her meeting other people. If she's not interested in this than don't stay around to be her 'cuddle-bunny', you're wasting your time. Ring her today, no more excuses. Maybe she's just looking for you to take the initiative?

This is what I'd like to do, i really would, i dont like games, I just want answers, its our feelings we're playing with here, not money, answers are needed fast, but if I do this im coming across too strong, intense as Thaedydal said. I dont want her to be playing me for a fool, but she's coming down next week to me in college and she said she wants a bed day thursday, like we did last week, but if she's not interested I don't want her to be playing me around like that and all the cuddling, kissing and footise and what not has to stop because in the end I'm the one who's going to come out worse. I'm so confused now

I felt kind of sick earlier thinking about it! what the hell!

It is early days, we were friends up until just after christmas but over the last 3 weeks we've spent most of the weekends togethor,staying up until 4am in her kitchen chatting! Im sure if I went out tonight and got abit drunk and had the chance with a nice girl I'd take it (but I dont get the girls) so I'm sure thats what happened to her Monday, which is fine, it hurts me that she did but I've no say in it as we're not offically dating.

We know each other pretty well at this stage, we get along well and have a laugh and stuff. She txt me after she kissed me saying she gets nervous when she's going to see me and she sometimes gets a shiver when I hold her hand. What to do

Thanks again guy, we're great

Radharc na Sleibhte · 13-02-2008 2:59pm

Unreg1365 wrote: »

Should I go out and start keeping my options open?

Hell yeah.
You're obviously young.
Have fun will ya.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 3:25pm

If you like her alot, and want to be with her, then it's time to work some leverage and make your intentions known - before someone else does. If you're happy to be casual friends, then I guess you shouldn't be to bothered if she's playing the field.

Meathlass · 13-02-2008 3:34pm

Unreg1365 wrote: »

This is what I'd like to do, i really would,

Then just do it. That's good that she looks nervous to seeing you and wants to spend time with you. I wouldn't leave it till next week, I would ring her today, now or this evening. Just be really casual, say 'you know when you're coming down next week to see me, does this mean we're going out now' Do it in a shy, flirty sort of way and chat first about other stuff, don't just launch into it as the first sentance! If she turns this back on you and says 'what do you think', then just tell her the deal. At least then you'll know. She'll have 2 possible answers

1. 'I really like you but I'm not ready for a relationship/live too far away and just want something casual' - you have to see if you are happy with being her f**k buddy but you don't seem to be so in that case I wouldn't let her stay next week
2. She says, I feel like that too, in which case problem solved!

It sounds like she's really into you but maybe afraid of being rejected so isn't saying anything. The only way you're ever going to know is if you ask her straight out as above in a way that she can't answer with some non-answer to fob you off. You're not happy with the present situation so you need to find out today, trust me, even if it's not the answer you want you'll feel better for knowing but it sounds like she's into you.

Marksie · 13-02-2008 3:39pm

Unreg1365 wrote: »

This is what I'd like to do, i really would, i dont like games, I just want answers, its our feelings we're playing with here, not money, answers are needed fast, but if I do this im coming across too strong, intense as Thaedydal said. I dont want her to be playing me for a fool, but she's coming down next week to me in college and she said she wants a bed day thursday, like we did last week, but if she's not interested I don't want her to be playing me around like that and all the cuddling, kissing and footise and what not has to stop because in the end I'm the one who's going to come out worse. I'm so confused now I felt kind of sick earlier thinking about it! what the hell!

Well if you want to know ask. dont be intense about it.
why answers fast... maybe you are pushing.. back up and take a few deep breaths, you are over thinking and in your own head.

and in reference to your other post: yeah perhaps you shuld have siad exclusivity if thats what you wanted

I

Unreg1365 wrote: »

t is early days, we were friends up until just after christmas but over the last 3 weeks we've spent most of the weekends togethor,staying up until 4am in her kitchen chatting! Im sure if I went out tonight and got abit drunk and had the chance with a nice girl I'd take it (but I dont get the girls) so I'm sure thats what happened to her Monday, which is fine, it hurts me that she did but I've no say in it as we're not offically dating.

You have a say. say it above.
But you also have a choice to seek further committment, to end it, or to go out dating as well.
(i juts have the slightest suspicion that if you went dating, things might change a little)

Unreg1365 wrote: »

We know each other pretty well at this stage, we get along well and have a laugh and stuff. She txt me after she kissed me saying she gets nervous when she's going to see me and she sometimes gets a shiver when I hold her hand. What to do

Turn that shiver into a raging fire between you :-).

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 4:07pm

Meathlass wrote: »

Then just do it. That's good that she looks nervous to seeing you and wants to spend time with you. I wouldn't leave it till next week, I would ring her today, now or this evening. Just be really casual, say 'you know when you're coming down next week to see me, does this mean we're going out now' Do it in a shy, flirty sort of way and chat first about other stuff, don't just launch into it as the first sentance! If she turns this back on you and says 'what do you think', then just tell her the deal. At least then you'll know. She'll have 2 possible answers

1. 'I really like you but I'm not ready for a relationship/live too far away and just want something casual' - you have to see if you are happy with being her f**k buddy but you don't seem to be so in that case I wouldn't let her stay next week
2. She says, I feel like that too, in which case problem solved!

It sounds like she's really into you but maybe afraid of being rejected so isn't saying anything. The only way you're ever going to know is if you ask her straight out as above in a way that she can't answer with some non-answer to fob you off. You're not happy with the present situation so you need to find out today, trust me, even if it's not the answer you want you'll feel better for knowing but it sounds like she's into you.

Thanks..

but if she is into me, why did she go off with another guy? is that just somethings girls do to keep their options open or until they get a final word on whats going on with another guy? Every since monday night she's been weird txting and hasnt txt'd today after I sent her one?

Nevyn · 13-02-2008 6:09pm

Why don't you ask her ?
Meet up for a cup of coffe and talk about it.

Meathlass · 14-02-2008 10:24am

Unreg1365 wrote: »

Thanks.. but if she is into me, why did she go off with another guy? is that just somethings girls do to keep their options open or until they get a final word on whats going on with another guy? Every since monday night she's been weird txting and hasnt txt'd today after I sent her one?

You're in the very early stages of a relationship (possibly) so she mightn't be 100% sure of how she feels, it's not a case of being cynical and keeping her options open. And you only have a comment on her bebo page that she kissed another guy. If she wants to take things easy and you're getting all stressed out because she kissed someone in a pub when you're not even going out then it might make her worried. She's the only one who can answer your questions, I'm afraid.

treepeas · 14-02-2008 12:10pm

In my experience the best way to get over one girl is get on top of another!

Wibbs · 14-02-2008 12:49pm

treepeas, very original I must say. Try posting something useful in future.

CrazyNoob · 14-02-2008 2:10pm

Unreg1365 wrote: »

Thanks.. but if she is into me, why did she go off with another guy? is that just somethings girls do to keep their options open or until they get a final word on whats going on with another guy? Every since monday night she's been weird txting and hasnt txt'd today after I sent her one?

Why did she go off with another guy? Cos you are farting around - do i like her, does she like me em eh what will i do em eh- if you like her make a decisive move and do it like yesterday!!

is that just somethings girls do to keep their options open or until they get a final word on whats going on with another guy? - No its what they do when you're farting around not being clear

Every since monday night she's been weird txting and hasnt txt'd today after I sent her one? - Txt??? you're farting around, RING HER

Third_Echelon · 14-02-2008 10:40pm

Unreg1365 wrote: »

She txt me after she kissed me saying she gets nervous when she's going to see me and she sometimes gets a shiver when I hold her hand. What to do

Jesus Dude.... Its plainly obvious that she likes you. It sounds like she is one step away from getting a big neon sign saying "ASK ME OUT FOR F**K SAKE!"

Quit your dickin' around and ask her out properly. Get it confirmed. Deal done.

LegacyUser · 15-02-2008 2:48pm

I told her last nite that i really liked her and I wanted us to be going out because i wasnt happy with the way things were and she just said she had been tinking about us and it wasnt rite, she see's me more as her big brother and friend.

sin e.. wheres that loaded gun..

Girl went off with another guy?

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