How much time off work did you take?

culabula99 · 25-02-2015 11:40pm #1

My Dad has just died and I am his only surviving relative. My mother died 15 years ago. I am quite young and will have to deal with the estate. We were extremely close, he practically reared me on his own and I am grieving a lot. I work in the civil service and my managers have been very supportive and said take as much time as you need. I took a week before his death to care for him and the doctor gave me a cert for another three weeks. Is this too much? I never take time off and would be a well regarded employee who works very hard, giving extra hours a lot. Would like to take the time off as I could get a lot of paperwork done and take some time to myself. How much time off have people taken for a close family/next of kin bereavement in your workplace?

OU812 · 25-02-2015 11:43pm

Firstly, condolences on your loss.

Secondly, I saw the post on the front page & came in to read it. I haven't suffered a loss in six years, at that point it was a grandparent, I was self employed & was back at work after the funeral.

Everyone is different & you seem to have had a very warm relationship. If I were you I'd take at least the month, and only consider going back when you feel strong enough to. Grief hits people differently, do what's good for you & don't worry about anyone else.

axel rose · 26-02-2015 2:49am

Sorry you're going through this cula. Similarly, I'm a civil servant-but probably a bad example as when my husband died I took a few years off (career break) as I need to sell my house and change my job to something more suitable for a single parent.

However, my point is that I don't think for a moment that you're taking the mick! Obviously, you have a good reputation at work and thankfully your managers are understanding.

You also may be able to arrange returning on a shorter working week for a set period of time with the support of your GP and HR. Look after yourself Cula!

Galwayguy35 · 26-02-2015 2:50am

I took one week off, but everyone is different and some people need more time.

Sorry for your loss.

banie01 · 26-02-2015 9:48am

1st off condolences on your loss.
With regards to your question.
Every person and circumstance is different.
For example, my wife passed away suddenly almost 8yrs ago and my employers were very supportive.
They went above and beyond in giving me time to adjust to my changed circumstance and to get our son adjusted as best as possible and arrange childcare for when I returned to work...
All told I was off for 6 months, which in hindsight although appreciated was much too long.
In contrast I lost my mam very suddenly in November and I took a week, similar situation to yourself in that I am settling the estate but I am the eldest of 8 with a youngest sibling aged 14 too.

My advice would be take as long as you need, time away from work won't stop grief blindsiding you when you eventually return but it will allow you time to process your loss before you go back.
once again my condolences.

Frankie5Angels · 27-02-2015 12:52am

Condolences OP.

In a similar situation to yourself, I took two weeks but was in and out for about two weeks prior to that. If work weren't as understanding as they were, I would probably have gone to the GP for a cert. You've suffered a major loss, you can't put a time on it. I know it took me at least 9 months to get my head right after going back to work. Well, as right as it'll ever be.

If you don't mind me saying; the need to settle the estate - why so soon? It's already an emotional enough time for you, perhaps that might be too much? I did the probate thing myself and found it tough enough and that was 6/8 months down the line (though, I must say, they were very courteous and professional and make it as easy as possible). Just be careful you're not taking too much on too early.

DeltaWhite · 27-02-2015 11:51am

Sorry for you loss OP

One thing I learned is that there is no time limit on grief unfortunately. You should take as long as you need, but dont leave it too long as sometimes it helps to get back into the swing of things.

I was treated absolutely appallingly when my Mam died in Oct.. I still haven't forgiven my boss and probably will never be able to. I came back to work 8 days after Mam died suddenly and it was really not enough time. If I could go back I would have taken 2 more weeks off, but my boss put me under awful pressure. The day I came back I was in an absolute state and she said "ah sure you've piles of work down there that will keep you busy". Yeah so ever since been looking for a new job, who the hell would want to work for someone that horrendous. So in my opinion take the time YOU need, don't worry about anyone, or anything else.

Wishing you the best.

Tombo2001 · 27-02-2015 12:01pm

culabula99 wrote: »

My Dad has just died and I am his only surviving relative. My mother died 15 years ago. I am quite young and will have to deal with the estate. We were extremely close, he practically reared me on his own and I am grieving a lot. I work in the civil service and my managers have been very supportive and said take as much time as you need. I took a week before his death to care for him and the doctor gave me a cert for another three weeks. Is this too much? I never take time off and would be a well regarded employee who works very hard, giving extra hours a lot. Would like to take the time off as I could get a lot of paperwork done and take some time to myself. How much time off have people taken for a close family/next of kin bereavement in your workplace?

I wouldn't like to benchmark in this case, if you need four or five or six weeks then I would go to your employer and ask for it. I'd definitely take the three weeks, nobody at work is going to change their opinion of you whether you take one week or three weeks. If anything, if I saw someone coming in a week after their parent died, especially someone young, I'd be thinking "they haven't had time to adjust". If you think at the end of the three weeks that you need more time, then ask for it.

LynnGrace · 27-02-2015 4:39pm

My sincere condolences on your sad loss.
As others have said, take the time that you need. There is no hard and fast rule with grief. It helps, in time, in my opinion, to get back into routines, but there is no rush, and, above all else, take good care of your health.
Settling the estate and so on, needn't be rushed into. Give yourself time to get used to things.

I do hope that you have someone to support you also, at this sad time.

danslevent · 27-02-2015 11:13pm

When my dad died I took a month off.

Take it off,these will be the most difficult times in your life,go easy on yourself and take the time off.

Relax,work will always be there. You owe it to yourself to take time off...guilt free.

culabula99 · 01-03-2015 1:12am

Really appreciate all of you taking the time to get back to me. Decided to take the time off. It's funny, I was always used to asking his advice on things like this and that's probably why I feel so indecisive about it now. I guess I have to learn to trust my own instincts now.... My partner is a great help also, glad to have someone as I am an only child and find that difficult in this situation, having lost both parents so young.

Stojkovic · 01-03-2015 1:18am

I took seven days last year.
Three paid and four from annual leave.

No need to take any more with regard to paperwork etc as probate takes about four months. So a few half days here and there to visit solicitor etc.

Also you need something to occupy your mind.

Frankie5Angels · 01-03-2015 1:38am

culabula99 wrote: »

It's funny, I was always used to asking his advice on things like this and that's probably why I feel so indecisive about it now.

Completely relate to this and even recently when I've experienced problems I've thought to myself I'd love to be able to ask, or just bounce it off him for some reassurance that I'm going about it right. I think over the last while I've learned to maybe think as he did, or at least ask myself 'would he give out to me if I did this?' or 'what would he do', so I've probably (hopefully!) ended up at the same place. So maybe, in a way, the guidance is still there. I hope you find the same.

culabula99 · 01-03-2015 1:47am

Thanks Frankie, good advice, ya I figure that's what I'll do. And I suppose I'll eventually get used to it and become more independant in my decision making.Wish I didn't have to though.

Lau2976 · 01-03-2015 2:22am

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would suggest taking as much time as you feel you need for this. Losing a loved one is very hard and going back to work too soon could really affect you. When my sister passed I was in college and working in a cinema, I took seven days and regretted going back after only a week. I did it partially for religious reasons but also because I felt pressured to return to school by both my school and classmates I was working with at the time. Going back so soon really made me hate it, whereas before I loved it. If your offered the support to take the time you need I would take it.

cuilteanna · 01-03-2015 9:14am

Stojkovic wrote: »

Also you need something to occupy your mind.

This is where I'm at, 2 1/2 weeks later and I wish I had a job to go back to or SOMETHING to distract me from thinking about and missing my mother. One brother had a week off, the other took a week and a half, and they are both coping better than I am.

culabula99 · 01-03-2015 11:11am

cuilteanna wrote: »

This is where I'm at, 2 1/2 weeks later and I wish I had a job to go back to or SOMETHING to distract me from thinking about and missing my mother. One brother had a week off, the other took a week and a half, and they are both coping better than I am.

As others have said, I think everyone grieves differently, 2 1/2 weeks is still very early. Could you take up some exercise maybe? That is good for the mind I think.

LynnGrace · 01-03-2015 12:51pm

Glad to hear that you are taking the time cula, and that you have someone to support you, at this difficult time.
Totally agree, everyone grieves differently, and what helps one person to cope, may or may not help another.

Sounds like you had a great relationship with your dad, and in time, when the raw stage passes, I believe that you will find great comfort in that, and in memories of good times that you shared. Take care.

How much time off work did you take?

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