Don't know what to do

Domane · 29-08-2014 10:37pm #1

I'll try to keep this brief.....

My wife stated last year that she wanted a separation. We had tried counselling (didn't work as everything was my fault - according to her), tried mediation but she wanted the house, maintenance and the kids (in that order - shows where her priorities lie) and wouldn't budge on anything.

Then I get a letter from her Solicitor stating that she wants:
- the house signed over to her and she would indemnify me from the payments (the bank has stated to me that they will not agree to me being taken off the mortgage). It should be noted that she has not contributed to the mortgage in 10 years. I have paid the full amount each month.
- €1,500 a month in maintenance (that's 65% of my nett monthly income folks)
- full custody of the children but I can bring them to school, collect them from school and have them at the weekends.

Now here's the problem. I have been to three Solicitors for advice. The first one said the terms above suggested by my wife's solicitor was "a good deal" and I should accept it. When I baulked at this, she said she wanted €7,500 up front to prepare a defence. The next guy I went to took my €200 for a consultation, told me everything I already knew, took three phone calls during our consultation, left the room twice and then said that he'd get back to me. He never did, nor did he return my emails or phone calls.

Now the third guy hadn't been in touch with me since our first consultation last April, until this evening when I get an email at 5.30pm to state that my wife instituted civil proceedings on the 8th July, seven weeks ago! He asked me to review the "allegations" in my wife's affidavit, but this wasn't attached to the email. What was attached was a demand for €5000 as a retainer to prepare a defence, which he estimated would cost €15,000 - €20,000.

Am I unlucky in my choice of Solicitors (all three of them) or is this normal behaviour, ie not returning emails or calls, notifying me of legal proceedings instituted by my wife seven bloody weeks ago?

A good level headed friend of mine has suggested I represent myself as I will at least save myself the legal fees that I'd be wasting on those legal jerks! He also suggested that my wife's demands are just an opening bargaining position and that I should send back my own demands and hopefully we can meet halfway. That's advice that none of the legal eagles offered, they more or less told me to lay down and die.

So how bad a state am I in, ie are the legal eagles worth sticking with for the sake of €15-20 grand in fees and still possibly lose or should I go it alone?

For the record, my wife has neglected, abused and assaulted our children, told me that I'm not the father of one of them and is seeing someone else. My children have stated they want to live with me. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, never laid a finger on her in anger, while she has assaulted me and verbally abused me in front of the kids.

Sorry for not being brief like I said I would but my head is a mess.

11wingnut · 29-08-2014 10:56pm

http://www.uspi.ie/
Sorry for your troubles ,I am in a similar situation (i would win top trumps )
give uspi a call or better go to one of there meetings.
Most important look after yourself

landmarkjohn · 30-08-2014 11:42am

Sorry for your bad situation. I know it's easy to say but I would hang tough in the house if possible and if she wants out let her off, let her go out and find somewhere else to live.

I would not be paying retainer fees or any of that nonsense, in my experience of divorce all the huffing and puffing beforehand comes to nothing and at the end of the day it just comes down to money. 6 years ago my barrister charged 5K, done and dusted, albeit the only number that had to be agreed was how much ex wife was getting out of the house and that was agreed "on the steps of the courthouse" (two barristers scuttle between two rooms in the courthouse, one for each party, and they meet in neutral ground to discuss settlement propositions)

You say you made all the mortgage payments but it sounds like your wife has income, if she wants to separate she has to be prepared to pay and probably reduce her disposable income. How does she figure you just signing the house over without giving you a lump sum, which she probably doesn't have!!

I think your friend is giving good advice, he knows your situation better, a lot solicitors are maybe one step up the ladder from auctioneers imho, I think you have been unlucky in your choice as well.

Very hard to give good advice on here because the emotional side cannot be factored in. I wish you the very best of luck and remember one day you will get on the other side of this.

Domane · 30-08-2014 7:33pm

landmarkjohn wrote: »

Sorry for your bad situation. I know it's easy to say but I would hang tough in the house if possible and if she wants out let her off, let her go out and find somewhere else to live.

I would not be paying retainer fees or any of that nonsense, in my experience of divorce all the huffing and puffing beforehand comes to nothing and at the end of the day it just comes down to money. 6 years ago my barrister charged 5K, done and dusted, albeit the only number that had to be agreed was how much ex wife was getting out of the house and that was agreed "on the steps of the courthouse" (two barristers scuttle between two rooms in the courthouse, one for each party, and they meet in neutral ground to discuss settlement propositions)

You say you made all the mortgage payments but it sounds like your wife has income, if she wants to separate she has to be prepared to pay and probably reduce her disposable income. How does she figure you just signing the house over without giving you a lump sum, which she probably doesn't have!!

I think your friend is giving good advice, he knows your situation better, a lot solicitors are maybe one step up the ladder from auctioneers imho, I think you have been unlucky in your choice as well.

Very hard to give good advice on here because the emotional side cannot be factored in. I wish you the very best of luck and remember one day you will get on the other side of this.

Thanks mate. Appreciate the advice. She won't leave the house as she wants it all, despite her screwing around and not paying a cent towards the mortgage, bills etc. Sad thing is she'll probably get it in the long run as the three Solicitors I saw all said so. I don't want to hand over "retainer fees" as I don't have that sort of money and why bother if I'll end up losing anyway?

As for the wife, she's in a full time job but has announced that she's voluntarily putting herself onto half days. I'm thinking this is just a ploy to reduce her income and screw me for more maintenance.

I'm sick to death of this and sick of the parasitical legal "profession" who feed off people's misery with their exorbitant fees for doing f-all like you said, ie it'll be settled outside the court.

As for keeping the chin up, my mate has been doing his damdest to do this but I'm in a black hole of depression and contemplating bad things. Just want this ****e over and done with.

SVI40 · 30-08-2014 8:20pm

Hi,

I was in a similar situation years ago. Except, she wanted me to sign over the house to her, and keep paying the mortgage! Just remember, she can want the sun, moon and stars, but will not get them. My ex walked out of mediation, insisted on her day(s) in court, and ended up with less than I would have agreed to in mediation.

At the end of the day, my experience was, that the Judges are fair and reasonable. They accept marriage break downs happen, and that both parties have to move on. This would include you having a life after this is all over.

If she has voluntarily reduced her hours, the Judge will take that into account. The take a dim view of someone deliberately taking an action to reduce the financial circumstances. The judges have seen it all, and are not stupid.

I represented myself over the years, and 7 court appearances. One thing that is crucial, have documentary evidence of everything. Pay slips, bank statements, credit card statements, etc. On my days in court, they were all in a binder, indexed, and highlighted, so the Judge could get to the relevant information in seconds. What it eventually boils down to, once the welfare of dependant children is sorted, is money.

Could go on for pages here, but in my experience, it is not as daunting as it first seems, and there is very definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep the chin up, stay strong, and it will work out in the end.

Regards,

SVI40

Domane · 30-08-2014 8:44pm

Thanks mate. I am contemplating representing myself as I haven't got the money to pay the legal fees anyway. While I haven't a clue what to do in relation to the court procedures, I guess I'll just have to try and learn.

The wife is fairly wealthy and I believe she has over €100,000 stashed away. However she is utterly miserly and would refuse to buy me out, although the bank has already said no to this.

I'm glad to hear that it's not all doom and gloom and that there is a good chance I won't be completely screwed after this is over, and that I may have some semblance of a life.

SVI40 · 30-08-2014 9:07pm

Domane,

The court office staff are very helpful, and will / may give you some guidance on the correct papers to be filed. If you suspect your ex has money stashed away, and hasn't declared it in her affidavit of means, you can always look for discovery on her bank accounts.

Best of luck moving forward.

HelenV · 10-09-2014 10:41pm

Domane you seem to have been unlucky in your choice of legal advisers. €15k to €20k does seem outrageous to be honest. Is that in Dublin by any chance 'cos lawyers charges can be considerably more expensive in that part of the country.

Your solicitor must have entered into some sort of correspondence on your behalf as otherwise the proceedings would have been served on you direct. In fairness although the Civil Bill was issued 7 weeks before he sent it to you, he may not have actually received it until a few days beforehand.

After proceedings have been served either you or your solicitor must enter an Appearance with the relevant Circuit Court office. If your solicitor has already done that on your behalf which means he has come on record. If you wish to proceed with the case yourself you should advise your solicitor and he will make an application to court to come off record. After that all further proceedings will be served on you direct. You must enter a Defence, serve it on your wife's solicitors by registered post accompanied by a Statement of Means. This gives details of all your assets including property, bank accounts etc. your income and expenditure.

There are case progression hearings before a County Registrar before a case is entered in a court list. You'll be able to manage o.k. - it's not too easy but may be worth it for you.

Don't know what to do

Comments