Has anyone separated from an alcoholic spouse?

zl1whqvjs75cdy · 07-10-2013 11:40am

I'm sure solicitors take all spouse talk with a pinch of salt OP, they've heard it all before. Just try to keep it cordial if you can, you definitely don't want to lose the plot in the meeting, even though you have every right to. Calm and cool headed. Bring someone with you too I'd say for moral support. Your sister maybe? Or do you have your own solicitor?

wuzziwig · 07-10-2013 12:24pm

Thanks Donkeyoaty. My own solicitor will be with me. She's very level headed and cuts through all the crap. She will do most of the talking. She has told me to keep my mouth shut unless she asks me for any information. I'm happy to let her deal with it because I might let rip with a few home truths if I get started!! I had a really ****ty weekend with the fecker messing access around so I'm just feeling pretty pee'd off because of that. Hopefully after Wednesday things might look better again.

wuzziwig · 10-10-2013 2:38pm

Well I'm none the wiser today. He turned down my offer to buy him out of the family home and initially wanted €30,000 extra. He came down to €19,000 extra. I can't afford that. I might stretch to an extra €5,000 but that would be it. Doesn't he care that if I'm paying back a bigger mortgage his kids are the ones that suffer because they have to do without so I can meet the mortgage payments? I swear that man doesn't give a hoot about his kids. He's a selfish f*ck that only cares about himself. So we're still at the same point but now his solicitor says he is going to issue mine with a notice to put the house up for sale. The thing that's killing me is that he will get €10,000 at most above my offer if we sell. And he avoids the hassle involved with selling. He won't have to be cleaning and maintaining the house for viewings. Most importantly of all his children, who have had their lives turned upside down, will be back in their home. But hey I guess that's not worth €10,000 to him.

aujopimur · 10-10-2013 3:15pm

If I were you I would'nt be making the house too clean or attractive for buyers, a low price might make it easier for you to buy.

clappyhappy · 10-10-2013 3:36pm

Hi wuzziwig, I have been following your situation and I hope things improve for you. It must be very upsetting for you to see how he is making the life of his kids so difficult. If it was me I would be like, ok sort out the shït with me but please protect the kids and let them live a life as normal as possible. You would wonder how can this person change do much, it must be so frustrating for you, but you are doing the right thing.
I hope it's sooner rather than later that all this gets finalised and you and your children can live a quite and happy life. The very best of luck to you .....

wuzziwig · 10-10-2013 3:40pm

aujopimur wrote: »

If I were you I would'nt be making the house too clean or attractive for buyers, a low price might make it easier for you to buy.

He is living in the house at present, me and kids are living with my parents. So he would be the one that has to present the house in a saleable condition. And obviously if he wants it to sell he'll have to have it clean and tidy.

Thanks clappyhappy. Hopefully things will sort themselves out sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser · 11-10-2013 1:06am

wuzziwig wrote: »

Well I'm none the wiser today. He turned down my offer to buy him out of the family home and initially wanted €30,000 extra. He came down to €19,000 extra. I can't afford that. I might stretch to an extra €5,000 but that would be it. Doesn't he care that if I'm paying back a bigger mortgage his kids are the ones that suffer because they have to do without so I can meet the mortgage payments? I swear that man doesn't give a hoot about his kids. He's a selfish f*ck that only cares about himself. So we're still at the same point but now his solicitor says he is going to issue mine with a notice to put the house up for sale. The thing that's killing me is that he will get €10,000 at most above my offer if we sell. And he avoids the hassle involved with selling. He won't have to be cleaning and maintaining the house for viewings. Most importantly of all his children, who have had their lives turned upside down, will be back in their home. But hey I guess that's not worth €10,000 to him.

I don't understand why you are negotiating with the man, even through solicitors. You are getting bogged down in a mire.

Why aren't you going for a legal separation? There is no way a judge would allow this nonsense to continue. If you can afford to buy him out of the house, you can afford a legal separation. When it got to court, if you couldn't afford to buy him out ( eg after paying legal fees) you would be left in the house till the children came of age. After that the house would be sold, and you might be in a much better position then. At court, the children are the primary consideration, which is what you want. They need a roof over their head and that would be provided.

wuzziwig · 11-10-2013 3:13pm

Bndr wrote: »

I don't understand why you are negotiating with the man, even through solicitors. You are getting bogged down in a mire.

Why aren't you going for a legal separation? There is no way a judge would allow this nonsense to continue. If you can afford to buy him out of the house, you can afford a legal separation. When it got to court, if you couldn't afford to buy him out ( eg after paying legal fees) you would be left in the house till the children came of age. After that the house would be sold, and you might be in a much better position then. At court, the children are the primary consideration, which is what you want. They need a roof over their head and that would be provided.

Yes Bndr that is all very true. However the house would have to be sold at some stage (be that when the youngest is 18 or out of fulltime education). Then where do I go? Where do the children still living at home go? The house is built where I grew up. It's near my parents, my friends, my community. It's where I want to live. It's my forever house. I don't want to have to go looking for a new house when I'm in my 50s. I want to secure my future now. I'd much rather use the money to get my house than pay €20,000+ on solicitors fees.

It is not a given that the judge would leave me and the kids in the house either. I know 2 couples that have gone for legal separation in the last two years and the judge ordered the house to be sold in one case and in the other he urged one to buy out the other. I'm trying to buy him out now, I don't need a judge to tell me to do that.

Taltos · 11-10-2013 4:31pm

I would ask your solicitor to talk to his solicitor again. He needs to sell this - make it clear - if he rejects your fair market offer + a discount for the kids then your next step will be the courts. Get advice from your solicitor here on likelihood of you winning - if high then you have an extra weapon - "agree or I will get a court ordered agreement and you will have fees to pay" - now you will too and lets not kid ourselves they can be a lot higher than 10k - so his choice.

Hopefully the solicitor can talk some sense into him or maybe if he has time and a friend to talk it through they can talk sense - but genuinely wish you all the best. Remember these are mind games - don't get sucked in - get your legal advice and follow through. Now maybe that means you lose your "forever house" - but what is more important? - A roof or your peace of mind?

Paddy Fields · 11-10-2013 4:54pm

Wuzziwig, I haven't gone through all the posts on this topic yet but just to say I think you are doing the right thing in taking your children away from this. My father was an alcoholic and he was abusive, mostly verbal/mental not physical though he did hit my mother a few times and I seen the Gardaí haul him off a few times. Coincidentally, I was only chatting to my sister about all this a few days back and we were "reminiscing" about our younger years and how it seemed like one big pub crawl and before we were 12, we must have been in every pub in Dublin city centre/Dublin south.

It's a sh!te life to grow up sitting in a pub with a glass of rasberry and a packet of Tayto then going home to a battlefield of parents that fight all day every day.

Best of luck to you and I hope you get sorted for your own well-being and that of your children.

wuzziwig · 15-10-2013 10:42am

Thanks Taltos. That is exactly the way we are going to go with it now. We got a letter from them asking that the house be put up for sale asap since we can't reach an agreement on the buy out. We have replied that the price offered is fair as we are cofident a court ruling would give us 60% of the sale price if it were to go on the market. I did the sums on him getting 40% of the expected sale price minus estate agent and solicitor fees and my offer is only €1000 lower than that. But he'd have his money faster and not have the hassle of selling the house. We also pointed out that I have the main financial burden of supporting the kids. Hopefully he'll cop on and accept my offer.

Paddy Fields, thank you for your post. It's always good to have people reinforce that you have done the right thing. I have no doubt in my mind that my kids are far better off away from all that but sometimes when you are struggling the self doubts start to creep in. But then you pull yourself together, plaster that smile back on your face and face the world with strength and confidence all over again.

RachaelVO · 14-11-2013 4:15pm

Hi Wuzziwig,

Just reading through this thread, and I'm full of respect and admiration for ya. This is so far removed from being and easy situation its unreal. He's really looking for ways to get at you, but in some ways, its not really him, its the alocholism, not that I'm making excuses for him or anything like that. Of course I do hope he comes out the other end, and that maybe later on you can both have a good relationship (not being back together or anything like that) for the sake of your kids. If he does get better it will make life easier for you all.

You're doing great though, putting your kids first, but don't forget to look after your childrens primary carer... YOU!

I wish you TONNES of luck, and hopefully happiness in the future.

wuzziwig · 15-01-2014 2:26pm

I find it hard to believe that it is just over a year since I first posted this thread. What a difference a year can make. Things are still trundling along at a snails pace. I'm waiting for the bank to decide if they will approve me for a new mortgage application so I can buy ex out of the house and move the kids and myself back home. We have agreed on a figure so it's all just paperwork and formalities now. We have also agreed to access and maintenance and once everything is signed up (he won't sign anything until I get loan approval which is fair enough) my solcitor will take it to court and our separation agreement will be court ordered and that's it done and dusted until i can file for divorce further down the line (and I will most certainly be divorcing him).

I am in a much better place than I was this time last year. I'm happier in myself, I'm getting out and living my life and having so much fun in the process. The kids are doing great. I really am amazed at how well they have taken all this. They are looking forward to going home so hopefully we will get there soon. I have zero contact with my ex. He still continues to drink and now seems to have turned his attentions to gambling. Not my problem anymore. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my life and I'm looking forward to what the future holds for us.

Thank you all for your help, support and advice over the last year.

wuzziwig · 06-08-2014 3:36pm

I just wanted to come back and update this thread. I'm now legally separated!! I was in court at the end of July with a consent motion and it took all of 7 minutes for the judge to rule. The bank gave me the mortgage so I bought ex out and he moved out of the house 2 weeks ago. I'm in the process of painting and cleaning it but me and the kids should be back home this weekend or early next week. They are over the moon to be going home and I can't wait to get back in and get on with our lives.

It's 17 months since I walked out of my marriage and I have very little contact with ex. He's still drinking and is still as abusive and agressive as ever. I'm so glad I took myself and my kids out of that situation. I've also met a really lovely guy. It's early days but things are going great and we are both happy to take it slowly and see where it goes. It's all good. For anyone going through the hell of separation at the moment I would just like to say hang in there. Things will most definitely get better and your life will be so much happier and brighter. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice, support or just simple words of kindness and encouragement along the way. xxxx

rhapsody · 06-08-2014 6:52pm

Thanks for updating us all wuzziwig, it's great to hear that things are getting better for you

ABajaninCork · 15-08-2014 6:52pm

Very happy to hear of your wonderful news! Keep going girl, and the very best of luck to you all!

georgebaby · 09-09-2014 10:42am

My advice is you try your best to adjust with your spouse and pray for him to become a good human being or else separate from your spouse and live as single with your kids for that you need some legal help I hope this family law firm can help you

ABajaninCork · 09-09-2014 4:54pm

georgebaby wrote: »

My advice is you try your best to adjust with your spouse and pray for him to become a good human being or else separate from your spouse and live as single with your kids for that you need some legal help I hope this family law firm can help you

Read through the thread. The OP has already separated from her husband and is in the process of making it legal...

LifeIsStrange · 21-11-2014 3:26pm

I've just come across your thread and it was like reading about my own life this past year, my ex isn't an alcoholic but he's abusive and has been physical and also appears to have mental health issues.

Our court date for Judicial Separation isn't far away now, it's costing a lot of money that I don't have but I didn't have a choice. He's tried to break me so many times and I've had to spend more time with family than in my own home but we're nearly there.

There are days you almost give up fighting but reading your last post gave me a bit more hope.

Well done you for sticking it out and the very best of luck in your new life.

wuzziwig · 24-11-2014 5:30pm

Hi LifeIsStrange, sorry to hear you are going through this. Best of luck in court. If you are both consenting to the separation and have an agreement already signed then you will be in and out of the courtroom very fast. It's a bit daunting but the thought of it is worse than the reality IMO. It is a very expensive route to go but sometimes you just don't have the choice. Mine cost me approx €7,500 but that included the sale of ex's half of the house and transfer into my own name.

It's great that you have family to turn to. Support is very important when you are in the middle of this. I'm glad also that reading my story has given you some hope. Do you have kids? If you do I hope they are holding up ok.

Life can only get better for you so don't ever give up. I promise you that you will come out the other side of it and one day you will look back on the awful times and you will be stronger than ever. Me and my kids are so much better off now than we were while living with my ex. I went through some very dark times during the whole separation process but things couldn't be better for us now. I'm still seeing the same guy I mentioned above and things are going brilliantly. I can truthfully say that I am finally really happy again. That's something that I hadn't been in at least 10 years.

Best of luck. <Mod snip>

ABajaninCork · 24-11-2014 6:02pm

Fabulous news wuzziwig! So happy for you...

All the very best for a wonderful Christmas, New Year and beyond for you and yours. Keep reaching for the stars!!

olivepeach · 02-01-2015 8:54am

I think you are doing the right thing . Few years down the lane its better to look back and see how far you have come and how much better you are feeling emotionally rather than stay and wait for things to change and wallow in regret . A much better life awaits you ..go ahead embrace it !!

shortlady · 09-10-2018 10:04pm

Can u get barring order against alcholic? Back on drink a year and What a year.every week for da past 4 months drinking,No financial support.i single parent in a marriage..

Has anyone separated from an alcoholic spouse?

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