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My First Ever Short Story - Feedback Appreciated

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  • 15-02-2014 6:51pm
    #1
    sdevine89
    Registered Users Posts: 567 ✭✭✭


    Hi

    I normally post over in photography, but took the plunge and wrote my first short story. I published it today on Medium. It's only a couple of hundred words so if you have a few minutes I'd love some feedback.

    https://medium.com/tobacco-smoking/eb5c62d19b62

    For those interested. These were the notes I scribbled down when the idea came to me watching a man on the DART platform:

    Platform. Old man. Cigarette. Train Approaching. Glamour. Flicker. Wind. Dejection. Stubbed out. Well Dressed. Marlboro. Descending Time. Another Time.


Comments

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    #2
    RoyMcC
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,567 ✭✭✭RoyMcC


    Nice, brooding sketch. I'd suggest it might work better with a bit of suspense - hopelessness, no escape, platform, approaching train... Then, the crisis over, back to the mundane. Give a few more physical attributes maybe so that we can imagine your MC better. Personally I'd break up your sentences a bit for more edginess.

    Well done :-)


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    #3
    The_Gatsby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,494 ✭✭✭The_Gatsby


    I liked the scene you painted but I would liked to have known more about your MC. I struggled to put a face to the man the story was about which made it harder to visualise. I think you painted a good scene though, well done


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