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Attempted "outing" on dating app.

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  • 24-07-2015 2:47pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Right, so as the user name suggests I'm a "hetroflexible" male.

    What I mean by this is I identify as a hetrosexual male but I don't really believe in binary gender or sexuality and while I would almost always be attracted to women, I am, at times, attracted to a very specific type of man and sometimes enjoy the odd casual canoodle with guys and couples.

    Now it's never been an Issue, but I've never "come out" to family or friends as I just don't see it as anyone's business. I don't tell them about my causal encounters with women either and I've often said things like I don't believe anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay and sexuality like anything else is a fluid thing and can change from day to day or year to year.

    The problem I have now is kind of weird and causing me to be a little anxious.

    I was using a dating app for gay/bi men and someone figured out who I was and started saying my name and details about myself where as I haven't a clue who they are.

    They said they'd showed my picture to another person and they confirmed who I was and then they tried to pretty much "blackmail" me into having a threesome with them. My action was to report the profile to the app admins and delete my profile, but I'm still worried about this being used "against me" in future.

    I live in a middle-sized town and a lot of people here know me and someone "outing" me on terms which aren't my own would just be really annoying as it would lead to the usual drama for me which I'd like to avoid.

    Has anyone else ever been in this situation, how did it play out? Should I just forget about it?


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    #2
    jobbridge4life
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    I don't have any experience directly comparable to yours, I've been out since I was 15 and I am only interested in the one sex. At the same time I think human observation tells us simply that you have a secret, a secret that you share with others and typically strangers, that is a recipe for trouble regardless. Personally I'd continue on with my life. Beyond what you have done already there is little you can do that will have a positive result or impact on whether these individuals do out you. Best of luck.


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    #3
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,156 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    I recall something similar happen to me! Slightly different scenario but the out come was that I did nothing and took the same action you did and never hear a peep since


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    #4
    Deranged96
    Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Was in (still am?) a slightly similar situation.

    Fell victim to a local fake profile, the fakie knew who I was and made me sweat. He then blocked me only to contact me on different accounts. I've come to the conclusion that this guy needs help more than anything so instead of repaying his threats/digs in kind I offer him advice and try to play nice... which just draws his ire, sadly.

    Your situation is different of course, in that it seems to be a "genuine" (for want of a better word) party that's messing you about. The only thing you can do is to immunise yourself to this person's sting.. ie. just don't give a sh*t about being outed.

    Do you know this guy? If not, I'd suggest using a bit of chicanery yourself to find out... what's good for the goose etc. etc.
    If he's not out, you can promise him Mutually Assured Destruction, perhaps.


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    #5
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I haven't been in this position but I have been in a position where someone I confided in used some personal information as a stick to beat me with, basically in a "you better keep me happy or I'll tell your secret to everyone" kind of way.

    I think the best thing to do is to call their bluff. If someone is that petty and childish enough to be a gossip I'd be inclined to let them. After all, they will have to say how they came across your profile and that might open them up to questions they don't want :D But seriously, the power of a secret is the fact its a secret, once its out there its nothing. If they tell, then you've done nothing wrong, you've nothing to be ashamed of, people might be surprised or curious but will they judge you or be disgusted? Probably, hopefully, not. And then its out and you can get on with your life.

    I would +1 Deranged about trying to identify the person behind this. That's the bit I would be most upset about, someone you know being this kind of person and you not knowing who it is.


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    #6
    Ash885
    Registered Users Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Ash885


    Just to add as well OP, with recent triumphs in the LGBT community, 'Who is gay?' is becomming less and less gossip material and turning into 'Who cares?'. I've even witnessed negative reactions to the people on nights out who love talking/outting people. So whilst this person sounds like an absolute "joy", rest assured that the only people who would entertain his knowledge are the very people best avoided.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Action and consequence.

    Stop treating the internet as a play thing and it will stop coming back to bite you on the ass.

    Here's the thing: if you were truly comfortable with your "heteroflexity" and "casual canoodles", you wouldn't be ****ting your pants about this now. Seems like you are ashamed of it all to me. In 21st century Ireland to see this type of "closeted" behaviour is just irritating.


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