more advice needed for your resident alcoholic!

brokensoul · 07-06-2008 8:47pm #1

Hi all - bear with me as this may be a bit confusing.

As iv posted on here before, im an alcoholic. Almost 10 months since my last drink.

Towards the end of my drinking i was erratic at work and i know that this was copped by others. I decided to change jobs as i felt that a new start would help me to cut down on by drinking. However, my family intervened just before i finished work and so i "dried out" for two weeks before starting my new job.

My old employer knew of my drink problem. My new employer did not. I worked hard and got on well in my new job but unfortuately, owing to economic problems, my new employer had to let me go after 6 months.

I got another job but the net result is that i am on my third job in a year.

I fould out today that there are rumours in my industry ( which is a small enough industry so people all know each other) that i was fired from my last job for drinking. Now, this couldnt be further from the truth as i never had a drop of drink while working in my last job. It is also not true that i was fired from the job before that for drinking, though im sure that i was close to being fired when i handed in my notice.

Firstly, im just so cross about it. Cross with myself for getting myself into this mess. Cross with the gossips, cross with the world. I know that there is nothing i can do to stop the rumours except to stay sober but it makes it very hard to face people wondering what they have heeard.

Secondly, it is almost sure that my current employer will hear some rumour and i guess i should speak to them first. I have no idea what to say though. I can say that it is untrue, as it is certainly untrue that i was fired. I dont know if i should mention that i no longer drink or not.

Just really down about it this evening.

RedXIV · 07-06-2008 8:53pm

Hey lass, First off congrats on the amount of time off drink! ten months is incredible!

About your situation, for starters, i'd like to bring up something i think Seahorse mentioned once. she has "Everyone elses opinions are none of my business" written up somewhere where she reads it every morning. I thought it was one of the smartest things to spring up here. you have so much to be proud of, i wouldn't waste my time worrying what everyone else thinks

(if it's not Seahorse, sorry

)

As for your issue of current employer. If you think he's going to hear and be affected by this rumour, approach him. Be honest and be blunt. If you don't think he'll hear OR be affected, i wouldn't say anything. rumours die out. They always do.

Hope this helps,
Best of luck

Red

Dizzyblonde · 07-06-2008 9:19pm

brokensoul, you've every right to be cross about this - this is awful after all you've been through.
I too would advise you to approach your boss and have a chat about it - that way if he hears the rumour he'll already know the truth.
Hold your head high and ignore the gossips - you have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of. You've really turned your life around and not everyone would have had your strength.
As well as that saying about the opinions of others - which is excellent - look in the mirror every day and tell yourself how wonderful you are:)

brokensoul · 07-06-2008 9:59pm

About approaching my boss - should i tell them im an alcoholic?

Any employers on here, how would you react if an emplyee told you that they were an alcoholic?

Overheal · 07-06-2008 10:20pm

youre off the drink, soul: youre no longer an alcoholic; so why tell them what isnt true?

brokensoul · 07-06-2008 10:23pm

Overheal wrote: »

youre off the drink, soul: youre no longer an alcoholic; so why tell them what isnt true?

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic doncha know. Just not active...

Overheal · 07-06-2008 10:27pm

Pfft. Pessimist

Miss Fluff · 07-06-2008 10:45pm

If you feel it will help it get it all out on the table, then tell your boss that you used to have a drink problem but that you have sought help and are a recovering alcoholic (well done, 10 months is brilliant, keep it up:)). I think any employer worth their salt would appreciate your honesty. Great for them to know that it's one less member of staff coming in hungover after being out on a school-night. F8ck the begrdugers too. People that matter don't mind, people that mind don't matter. DON'T let this make you feel bad or ashamed, you have an awful lot to be proud of OP.

brokensoul · 07-06-2008 10:56pm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you feel it will help it get it all out on the table, then tell your boss that you used to have a drink problem but that you have sought help and are a recovering alcoholic (well done, 10 months is brilliant, keep it up:)). I think any employer worth their salt would appreciate your honesty. Great for them to know that it's one less member of staff coming in hungover after being out on a school-night. F8ck the begrdugers too. People that matter don't mind, people that mind don't matter. DON'T let this make you feel bad or ashamed, you have an awful lot to be proud of OP.

You see, i have no real desire to talk to my employer about this, not because i think they will fire me or anything but just because it is my private life and i would like to keep it that way.

I just worrry that they may hear about it anyway. I think if i tell them that i have heard a rumour that i was fired from my last job for drinking and i just want to let them know that it isnt true then that might be enough information for them.

Miss Fluff · 07-06-2008 11:15pm

Unfortunately not necessarily. People DO tend to think there is no smoke without fire etc so your employer may then ask you why would people think this or is there anything in your past that would give this rumour foundation. I think if you decide to discuss this with your employer now then honesty is the best policy.

On the other side of the coin, the stuff that is being (presumeably) said is untrue. You can choose to ignore it considering that none of what being said is actually true.

As a matter of interest, how did details on these rumours get back to you? Is it from a reliable source or is there an element of conjecture to this?

board om · 07-06-2008 11:46pm

do not approach your boss. all it is is a rumour and nothing else. you dont know for definite what was even said, or who it was said to. so if you approach your boss and start blabbing you could end up saying things that didnt need to be said.

just let your work speak for itself. obviously the reason these rumours are going around about your drinking is becuase of your erratic behaviour before you left the old job. but now that you no longer drink this is not going to be an issue. so that being said, if your new boss hears these rumours he will only have to look at your present work and he will know that they are rumours and nothing but that. by aproaching him you are basically telling him there is a possibility they are true, so just say nothing. anyway, if he does hear the rumour he has no reason to mention it unless he was having issues wuth your current work, and as you said you are getting on fine with this job.

so just leave things be and ignore the rumours.

all the best

brokensoul · 08-06-2008 9:26pm

board om wrote: »

do not approach your boss. all it is is a rumour and nothing else. you dont know for definite what was even said, or who it was said to. so if you approach your boss and start blabbing you could end up saying things that didnt need to be said.

just let your work speak for itself. obviously the reason these rumours are going around about your drinking is becuase of your erratic behaviour before you left the old job. but now that you no longer drink this is not going to be an issue. so that being said, if your new boss hears these rumours he will only have to look at your present work and he will know that they are rumours and nothing but that. by aproaching him you are basically telling him there is a possibility they are true, so just say nothing. anyway, if he does hear the rumour he has no reason to mention it unless he was having issues wuth your current work, and as you said you are getting on fine with this job.

so just leave things be and ignore the rumours.

all the best

This is what i have decided to do. If they hear something then i will deal with it then, rather than putting them on notice. It means i will be paniced about it for awhile but every day is getting further from the lsat time i had a drink.

Miss fluff, it was a family member that told me, they work in the industy so it true alright. They were rang about the rumour by someone who had heard it and was concerned. They told them that it was untrue so at least there is a countering rumour out there.

Talked to said family member alot today. I think they are having a hard time dealing with my alcoholism. They are an inlaw, but very close to me and my family generally. They are very angry at me for lying to them over the years, which i undoubtably did, and for not talking to them about my drink problem. They are also angry that my family have adopted the attitude that as long as im well then the past doesnt matter. They feel that i should be berated a bit for being so stupid and putting my career in danger and also for worrying to people and lying to them.

I am really upset that i have hurt them but im at a loss as to what to do to make amends apart from staying well.

The whinging and need for advice never fecking ends for me, does it!!

Big_Mac · 08-06-2008 10:06pm

brokensoul wrote: »

This is what i have decided to do. If they hear something then i will deal with it then, rather than putting them on notice. It means i will be paniced about it for awhile but every day is getting further from the lsat time i had a drink.

Miss fluff, it was a family member that told me, they work in the industy so it true alright. They were rang about the rumour by someone who had heard it and was concerned. They told them that it was untrue so at least there is a countering rumour out there.

Talked to said family member alot today. I think they are having a hard time dealing with my alcoholism. They are an inlaw, but very close to me and my family generally. They are very angry at me for lying to them over the years, which i undoubtably did, and for not talking to them about my drink problem. They are also angry that my family have adopted the attitude that as long as im well then the past doesnt matter. They feel that i should be berated a bit for being so stupid and putting my career in danger and also for worrying to people and lying to them.

I am really upset that i have hurt them but im at a loss as to what to do to make amends apart from staying well.

The whinging and need for advice never fecking ends for me, does it!!

Brokensoul, if you were whinging, you would be told to feck off. This is a forum to seek and give advice so feel free to ask any questions at any time. Thats why us posters are here. Also, your family should understand that you are going through a tough recovery and that you need their support, not their beration. Good luck with this. ten months away from the drink is something to be extremely proud of

brokensoul · 08-06-2008 10:26pm

Big_Mac wrote: »

Brokensoul, if you were whinging, you would be told to feck off. This is a forum to seek and give advice so feel free to ask any questions at any time. Thats why us posters are here. Also, your family should understand that you are going through a tough recovery and that you need their support, not their beration. Good luck with this. ten months away from the drink is something to be extremely proud of

In fairness, most of my family are fierce supportive, tis just this one person.

I think they are just finding it tough generally to accept that i lied to them and that i worried them and that i am, as they see it, getting off scot free.

My mother, in particular, has been fantastic to me. When i stopped drinking it was to her house that i went to. She minded me, fed me and most of all talked to me, hugged me and supported me back to health. I know that i worried her and caused her huge distress in my drinking and i do so regret that, but from the day i stopped drinking my mothers attitude has been that the past doesnt matter as long as i am well now.

I think that this inlaw finds it very hard to accept that.

I care hugely for this person and their opinion of me. But i dont have anything but admiration and gratefulness to my family for the compassion then have shown to me and i dont know how to reconcile the two...

Big_Mac · 08-06-2008 10:34pm

brokensoul wrote: »

In fairness, most of my family are fierce supportive, tis just this one person.

I think they are just finding it tough generally to accept that i lied to them and that i worried them and that i am, as they see it, getting off scot free.

My mother, in particular, has been fantastic to me. When i stopped drinking it was to her house that i went to. She minded me, fed me and most of all talked to me, hugged me and supported me back to health. I know that i worried her and caused her huge distress in my drinking and i do so regret that, but from the day i stopped drinking my mothers attitude has been that the past doesnt matter as long as i am well now.

I think that this inlaw finds it very hard to accept that.

I care hugely for this person and their opinion of me. But i dont have anything but admiration and gratefulness to my family for the compassion then have shown to me and i dont know how to reconcile the two...

How true that is. Your family by blood are the ones who are supporting you as all family should. I'm not suprised that its the inlaws that are giving trouble, after all their relation to you is only through law.

The fact that its just one person in the minority speaks volumes. OP, what you need is understanding and support to help you through this difficult time. Someone like that is only going to make things more difficult for you. Speak to them and explain the importance of their support and if they can give it to you. If they aren't interested then I suggest that you distance yourself from them, for the sake of your health if nothing else. remember, you need to look after number one, because if you don't, no one else will

littlefriend · 08-06-2008 10:38pm

1) you were not fired from your first job for drinking - you resigned
2) you were not fired from your second job for drinking
3) you can't control what someone else thinks of you [ie your in-law] - we all have our demons to face and let he without sin cast the first stone etc etc
and
4] which is the best bit of all - none of this stress has led you back to drinking so give yourself credit for that.

If I were ever to meet an alcoholic/drug addict who was no longer using I honestly would be in awe of their achievement. You have done so well and if one miserable fcuker tries to taint that achievement with some small minded gossiping bull**** tell them to go fcuk themselves.

So all that aside don't tell your new boss anything - its none of their business

Big_Mac · 08-06-2008 10:52pm

littlefriend wrote: »

So all that aside don't tell your new boss anything - its none of their business

+1

Your personal life is nothing got to do with how you carry out your job, (esp in this case as you are off the booze) so let them mind their own beeswax

aidan24326 · 09-06-2008 1:30am

brokensoul wrote: »

I think they are just finding it tough generally to accept that i lied to them and that i worried them and that i am, as they see it, getting off scot free

But you're not 'getting off scot free' from anything, and your in-law ought to be a little more understanding of how difficult it must be to kick such a consuming addiction as alcoholism, and how difficult it must still be to stay on the sober wagon.

My mother, in particular, has been fantastic to me. When i stopped drinking it was to her house that i went to. She minded me, fed me and most of all talked to me, hugged me and supported me back to health. I know that i worried her and caused her huge distress in my drinking and i do so regret that, but from the day i stopped drinking my mothers attitude has been that the past doesnt matter as long as i am well now.

I think that this inlaw finds it very hard to accept that.

I care hugely for this person and their opinion of me. But i dont have anything but admiration and gratefulness to my family for the compassion then have shown to me and i dont know how to reconcile the two...

It sounds like your mother has a very good attitude. She's quite right in saying that the past is the past, leave it behind you and look forward. You can't change what happened before but you can take control of your future and that's what you are doing.

I'm sure seeing you well again makes the effort worthwhile for your family members who did help you. Maybe do something nice for your mother sometime as a thank you, send her on a nice little holiday or something like that.

Dizzyblonde · 09-06-2008 11:07am

Brokensoul, while your in-law is annoyed that you lied when you were drinking, they have no right to make you feel bad about it now. Your mother is right - what's past is past and you're a different person now.
By all means talk it through with this person, but let them know that you're putting it behind you and won't be digging up the past on a regular basis - it will only make you feel bad and you can't change it.
We have no control over others' opinions of us and if this person still thinks badly of you despite your best efforts, then leave them to it. You'd have to question their motivation in this if they won't let it go.
You're lucky to have a family who love you enough to have supported you through this and you haven't let them down.
I bet they're really proud of you

How Strange · 09-06-2008 11:37am

OP, I've followed all your posts and you've come so far which is an achievement that you should be and are very proud of.

With regards to the rumours, I suppose Ireland is a small place and as you said yourself you work in a specialised area so someone in your new job is bound to know someone from your previous ones. You can't really do anything about the rumours and maybe it is another challenge that you have to face as a recovering alcoholic. But you should hold your head high and be proud of where you are and constantly remind yourself that you aren't that person any more. That said, if these rumours ever become anything more or if you hear them directly from someone then you should point out that they are slandering you.

About telling your boss, I would say no. It's a personal matter and it isn't affecting your professional life. I would also consider it prudent to say nothing as it could possibly be used to discriminate against you in the future.

brokensoul · 03-07-2008 9:56am

brokensoul wrote: »

This is what i have decided to do. If they hear something then i will deal with it then, rather than putting them on notice. It means i will be paniced about it for awhile but every day is getting further from the lsat time i had a drink.

Miss fluff, it was a family member that told me, they work in the industy so it true alright. They were rang about the rumour by someone who had heard it and was concerned. They told them that it was untrue so at least there is a countering rumour out there.

Talked to said family member alot today. I think they are having a hard time dealing with my alcoholism. They are an inlaw, but very close to me and my family generally. They are very angry at me for lying to them over the years, which i undoubtably did, and for not talking to them about my drink problem. They are also angry that my family have adopted the attitude that as long as im well then the past doesnt matter. They feel that i should be berated a bit for being so stupid and putting my career in danger and also for worrying to people and lying to them.

I am really upset that i have hurt them but im at a loss as to what to do to make amends apart from staying well.

The whinging and need for advice never fecking ends for me, does it!!

It seems iv ****ed up again...

I was at my mums house last night, my mum was gone to al anon, as she does most weeks.

The family member that i referred to in the post above called in, she asked where my mum was. I didnt know whether my mum had told her she was attending al anon or not so i said she was out with a friend.

Family member rang my mum this morning to check where she was and then rang me kinda laughing about it saying "oh you were very mysterious about where your mum was" but basically letting me know that she knew i was lying.

I actually feel like crying.

It seems that i cant do right for doing wrong with her.

Am i completely over reacting?

Dizzyblonde · 03-07-2008 10:06am

Maybe you're overreacting a little, but I think most people in your position would be extra sensitive when it comes to this person. This is a little white lie you told in case your mother wanted to keep something private, that's all, and I really think this other family member clould be a bit more sensitive herself.
Put it out of your mind, you did nothing wrong - and remember, you don't have to impress this person in any way - you can't help how she feels and you owe it to yourself to keep getting on with things as best you can.
I still think you're amazing to have come so far!
xxx

Karen_* · 03-07-2008 10:42am

Op don't let yourself get dragged down by the short comings of others. You might be an alcoholic but at least you aren't a malicious gossip. Once you're working hard and putting 100% into your job then you have no need to worry. I wouldn't say anything to you boss. You don't have to go through your whole life explaining yourself to people. You're as good as everyone else is so hold your head up high.

You are by no means getting off scott free with anything. You've gone through hell and your slowly trying to rebuild your life. Thats no walk in the park. As I said, hold your head up and let other people deal with their own issues. There's only so much beating yourself up and apologising you can do. Live your life to the full.

chuckles30 · 03-07-2008 10:47am

Ignore your relative......just concentrate on how well you are doing and remember that you have the support of the rest of your family. Congrats on getting this far, so don't let her get you down.

MJOR · 03-07-2008 12:51pm

she obvioulsy didn't think before she spoke.... You come so far don't let the little things get you down

RedXIV · 03-07-2008 3:53pm

Chin up lass, you did nothing wrong here and your relative may not have implied to point out your were lying. You wanted to protect your mother's privacy, that is nothing short of admirable.

You did good, so thats how you should feel

tiptap · 03-07-2008 4:10pm

brokensoul wrote: »

Hi all - bear with me as this may be a bit confusing.

As iv posted on here before, im an alcoholic. Almost 10 months since my last drink.

Towards the end of my drinking i was erratic at work and i know that this was copped by others. I decided to change jobs as i felt that a new start would help me to cut down on by drinking. However, my family intervened just before i finished work and so i "dried out" for two weeks before starting my new job.

My old employer knew of my drink problem. My new employer did not. I worked hard and got on well in my new job but unfortuately, owing to economic problems, my new employer had to let me go after 6 months.

I got another job but the net result is that i am on my third job in a year.

I fould out today that there are rumours in my industry ( which is a small enough industry so people all know each other) that i was fired from my last job for drinking. Now, this couldnt be further from the truth as i never had a drop of drink while working in my last job. It is also not true that i was fired from the job before that for drinking, though im sure that i was close to being fired when i handed in my notice.

Firstly, im just so cross about it. Cross with myself for getting myself into this mess. Cross with the gossips, cross with the world. I know that there is nothing i can do to stop the rumours except to stay sober but it makes it very hard to face people wondering what they have heeard.

Secondly, it is almost sure that my current employer will hear some rumour and i guess i should speak to them first. I have no idea what to say though. I can say that it is untrue, as it is certainly untrue that i was fired. I dont know if i should mention that i no longer drink or not.

Just really down about it this evening.

Hi Brokensoul,

Just wanted to say congrats on the drink free for 10 months, fantastic news, I know how difficult addiction can be.
Considering what you have been through in the past, this whole job escapade will hopefully feel like a walk in the park for you looking back at it. You should be very proud of yourself, and don't forget that. I think it's time to start thinking about changing your Boards.ie alias from BrokenSoul to something more upbeat.

Congrats again.

DenMan · 03-07-2008 4:25pm

Hi Brokensoul

10 months off the alcohol. Congratulations, you earned it. Like what the other posters have been saying it is important for you to concentrate on your goals. You are getting terrific support from your immediate family, that gives you enormous confidence, and you are using it very well. Regarding your in law, personally I wouldn't pay much attention to her if you feel she is undermining your will power. Think of her more as a voice inside you trying to put you down. I've been in this situation before with some people, and I gained a lot of strength from it. Concentrate on your own goals and targets. Don't let one person put you down, especially when you know you have so much support already and you are making remarkable progress. Have confidence.

tbh · 03-07-2008 6:30pm

first off, OP, you're a recovering alcoholic. 9 letters, big difference.

secondly, as long as your work is fine, i don't think your current boss would be worried, although they might keep an eye on you, which is probably normal. Try not to be ashamed about your past - you've a lot to be proud of. If the guys in work are going for beers, just tell them that you don't drink anymore and don't feel comfortable around alcohol -that'll put paid to any suspicions.

thirdly and most importantly, it's a shame that you are allowing all your good work and progress to be undermined by one person. I have a feeling this is because you are ashamed of yourself. It's time to let that go. Your currrent life started the day you stopped drinking, and you have to draw a line under everything that went on before that. You have a lot to be proud of - very proud. You could have taken the easy option and kept drinking, but you fought back against a formidible foe, and you're kicking ass at the moment. Nobody but yourself can take that away from you, so don't let anyone else try.

You might consider the hundreds of people who may have read your posts, those people who were trapped in the same nightmare as you and have taken courage from your story. That in itself trumps any stupid relative.

Keep going. One day at a time, right?

vincenzo1975 · 05-07-2008 6:17pm

first thing is, fair play on the 10 months, fantastic achievment.

If you decide to tell him, becarefule of the timeframes. If you tell him the 10 months bit, he will defo tie it in with your previous previous job. Tell a white lie and say your off for 1 year.

more advice needed for your resident alcoholic!

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