Can't getover my ex, even though it's been ages!!

LegacyUser · 04-07-2008 9:43am #1

Hi Guys,

I wrote a post on here regarding sex with my ex just the other day. I had said in my post that he wanted to meet me
on Saturday but he ended up calling me last night to say he was free and it was a better night for him.

Despite my better judgment and the sound advice of boardsies, I met up with him last night and this morning I am a
complete mess. I feel ashamed even writing this. I am a college graduate but when it comes to him I act like such an idiot.
I become this giggly, bimbo who agrees with everything he has. We broke up a year ago so I thought I'd be strong enough
to meet him but the minute I saw him my heart raced instantly, he looked stunning. He said the same thing to me when he
saw me. We have this unbelievable chemistry but it's all sexual. We don't work as a couple, in fact we are a train wreck and
neither of us would ever go back to being an item but we just can't take our eyes off each other.

Anyway, we had a few drinks and ended up kissing for ages. He asked me to go back to his place but I said no and went home.
I wanted nothing more then to go home with him but I knew that it would lead to regret and awkwardness after the..ahem..event.

In the year that we've been apart, I haven't met anybody who comes close to him sexually and the thought of another woman enjoying him
drives me crazy. I don't think about him on a daily basis, I actually rarely think about him and have been happily living my life but anytime
we see each other, it's like the world stops and it's just our eyes meeting. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true.

I just wish he didn't exist, at least then I could get on with my life. Knowing he's still around is killing me. I woke up today feeling heartbroken.

Does it ever happen that there are certain people you never get over?

Wibbs · 04-07-2008 10:06am

Missmyex wrote: »

Does it ever happen that there are certain people you never get over?

I don't think you get over certain people until you meet someone better. Especially really big first loves. I reckon that if you have your first love in your teens then you're better off. If you think you've been in love and then it hits you in your 20's that's a harder one. I'll tell you this though, my first love? I met her a few years back and nothing. I mean nada. Seemed attractive enough now, nice woman and all that, but I was surprised how little I felt. If you had told me that in the months where I was blubbering into my pint of Irish prozac, I would have considered you nutso.

As for the chemistry. I do think that can be harder for some women to overcome. To feel that abandoned and free with a guy is less common than not and that's very appealing. Also like I mentioned in another trhead on this, what you're feeling is a lot to do with your body telling you this guy is right for you biologically kinda thing. Your head knows he's not right for you. Your heart knows he's not right for you, but your body disagrees. That's very powerful mojo. It's also why you rarely think of him when he's not in front of you. You meet him and the pheromones rev you up. That's good if head, heart and mutual commitment are in play. But they're not.

Maybe men can compartmentalise it easier, I know I have in the past. I've had serious chemistry with a woman but my head and heart said no, so I didn't go there. I will say that of my friends far more of my women mates have gotten into emotional trouble because of sexual chemistry than my male mates.

If you see it for what it is, a purely physical/sexual response that your brain and society pushes you to mistake it for something more, then it may get easier to ignore.

Time will help. That's for sure. Meeting other guys, even kissing a few frogs along the way will help too. There are a few billion men out there, the chances of this guy being the "one" on any level are slim to none.

jellie · 04-07-2008 10:15am

Well done for going home. At least you havent woken up this morning thinking "I cant believe i did that"

The Mighty Ken · 04-07-2008 10:28am

Missmyex wrote: »

I woke up today feeling heartbroken.

Why? Do you actually love him? Sounds like sexual infatuation to me.

How Strange · 04-07-2008 10:59am

Missmyex wrote: »

I had said in my post that he wanted to meet me on Saturday but he ended up calling me last night to say he was free and it was a better night for him.

OP, there's the first major warning sign. He relegated you to a Thursday night because he didn't want to waste his Saturday night with you or had something better to do.

Unfortunately, I wasn't always a disciple of I practice what I preach but OP he's using you and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.

We broke up a year ago so I thought I'd be strong enough
to meet him but the minute I saw him my heart raced instantly, he looked stunning. He said the same thing to me when he
saw me. We have this unbelievable chemistry but it's all sexual. We don't work as a couple, in fact we are a train wreck and
neither of us would ever go back to being an item but we just can't take our eyes off each other.

I think we've all been with people who we like more than they like us, they know it and are unscrupulous enough to use it to their advantage for s*x.
I'd say from the moment you met him he fed you line after line and you hung on his every word. IMO, if a man can't take his eyes off you and is truly mad about you then he dates you. If he doesn't date you then he may (depending on the type of guy he is) keep you on the back burner for a bit of s*x whenever he feels like it.

Anyway, we had a few drinks and ended up kissing for ages. He asked me to go back to his place but I said no and went home.
I wanted nothing more then to go home with him but I knew that it would lead to regret and awkwardness after the..ahem..event.

That was a good thing as you would feel like sh1t today when you realised that it was just s*x and nothing more.

In the year that we've been apart, I haven't met anybody who comes close to him sexually and the thought of another woman enjoying him
drives me crazy. I don't think about him on a daily basis, I actually rarely think about him and have been happily living my life but anytime
we see each other, it's like the world stops and it's just our eyes meeting. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true.

That's simply because you haven't met someone that knocks the socks off you yet. I think this is more common in women than men; to get over one guy we need to meet another one that sweeps us off our feet.

I just wish he didn't exist, at least then I could get on with my life. Knowing he's still around is killing me. I woke up today feeling heartbroken.
Does it ever happen that there are certain people you never get over?

I don't think that you never get over someone but yes sometimes you meet someone who has a particularly strong hold over you and it's definitely harder to get over them.
However, I will say that we are also responsible for how quickly we get over someone. Meeting an ex for a drink or drinks plural is a bad bad bad idea and there it's highly probable that you'll both end up horizontal between some sheets. I'd say cut all contact with this guy, don't meet him if he texts you again and stop feeling like your helpless to his charms. Slowly but surely you'll move on but not if you keep in contact with him.

Oh, how I wish I'd listened to this advice myself on a few occasions.

MJOR · 04-07-2008 11:39am

What will happen is that you will keep ping ponging between loving him and hating him...

Going cold turkey will be the only thing that'll help. Stay away from him because once you see him the hormones take over.

I agree with Wibbs on the "he will have a hold on you til you meet someone better" That is exactly what happened with me anyway.

Well Well done on not taking it beyond kissing because what'll happen is you end up being his plaything.....

You deserve better....

You are a well educated and competent adult who doesn't need her emotions toyed with by someone who clearly has a lack of respect for you and your wonderfullness!

Good luck xxxx

SnowMonkey · 04-07-2008 11:56am

How Strange wrote: »

That's simply because you haven't met someone that knocks the socks off you yet. I think this is more common in women than men; to get over one guy we need to meet another one that sweeps us off our feet.

I dissagree being well a male that still growing up I rarley meet a woman who i can say WOW I like her... Most women Ive meet have board me to death self obsorbed, imature girls. How ever any woman I have ever meet who I've gone WoW Id date her have been taken The ironicness of it all any way...

I do find that i meet women and go head over heals well did not so much any more... I think its to do with insecurites well in my case it was...

Op

See he knows he can still controll you ego boost for him insecurity south central for you My advice would be stay away..

Granted you think he's a hunk and gets the green light going but you can probably do better...

Serously I think its the fact its the first time you saw him in a year and your emotions got the better of you... Learn from it and it your prevous emotions that are messing with you now...

Ps i get the hole heart flutter thing with an x or to still but i aint gone near them not worth the emotional instability....

Aurora Borealis · 04-07-2008 1:37pm

OP I say well done! Seriously you went home. I've had that powerful head wrecking chemistry thing with someone before and let my heart and body cave when my mind knew it was going to hurt me but I just hoped against hope. I know you're regretting having met him at all but I know myself I'd far rather make mistakes and know they were mistakes and take that chance then wonder what if.
Some people can have a very strong hold on you and it would appear this guy probably knows he does over you. The thing is you do now too so just be aware of what you're feeling and work from there instead of getting tangled up in it all again, because it doesn't seem really like he's looking to start anything meaningful with you at the moment or else he would presumably have discussed that with you. Don't be disheartened though you're not back to square one, you're just more aware of how this guy makes you feel and in fairness acted accordingly. i.e you went home alone.

pookie82 · 04-07-2008 7:17pm

Ouch. You poor thing. Truth is, there are some people we'll always be attracted to, and first loves are particularly difficult to get over. The problem is that he's a sh*t. And the meet up sounds like a stab at an old-times'-sake roll in the hay. Which might be fair enough if he hadn't left you for someone else (if i remember correctly??) and if you could take it as just sex like he can.

Someone WILL come along and take over from him. But it may take a long time. So your main purpose now in terms of damage limitation should be to stay away from the thing/person that makes you feel this sad and does these things to you. Wait until someone else comes along who means more to you before you ever allow yourself to be near him again. You'll see it all in a different light. Better still, stay away from him forever.

af_thefragile · 05-07-2008 12:47am

Ahh, reading your post OP so reminded me of myself and how i was a couple of months ago. Its pretty much about a year ago that i broke up with my ex and made a big fuss about it since then over here. Even the whole thing you mentioned about meeting him, it reminded me of the time when my ex got back in contact with me trying to be friends once again n all. We both once again felt that incredible chemistry, as much as she said she was ready to leave her bf to get back to me.(though we didn't get any physical cuz i wasn't ready to meet her although she was insisting on wanting to meet me). Lasted about two weeks which ended pretty horrible with me telling her to get the feck out of my life! This was towards the end of last year and left me pretty screwed up for a good while.

Anyway, i told you all that cuz i wanted to show you that a couple of months ago i was exactly like you and now i'm much much much better.

Its hard to get over someone who once was so close and special to you. But its not impossible as long as you can make the decision to do it n not give up doing it.
I tried loads of different to get her out of my head. I killed her in head for starters. Conducted her funeral and wrote a song about my "dead" girlfriend. Though what worked most was me getting absolutely sick of her and telling her to "**** off". That sorta did the trick as she did have enough conscience to not make any more attempts to get back into my life after me saying that to her. So then i haven't had any contact with her since then and it takes time but slowly with time as you stay away, you find other things to put your focus on and eventually you'll stop thinking bout her/him.

Though its really important for you to find something else to turn your focus to. Its good to start looking for a new relationship, start a new life (though only when you feel you can love the new guy, not cuz you wanna use him to get over your ex). And keep yourself busy. Start looking after yourself, go to the gym, work out regularly, work on your hobbies, try to see if you can get something productive out of them. All these things to find your new life without him so that you can forget him n try to move on completely. But its important for you to stay away from your ex all of this time. One little attempt at getting back in contact and you can very easily find yourself back at square one. So keep that in mind and try to start a new life with a new you.

And after all of this i say its probably time for you to find a new relationship. Get into one and it'll help hit the final nail into you getting over your ex.

Can't getover my ex, even though it's been ages!!

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