How do you know when your ready?

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 12:43pm #1

Hi folks,
I've just recently got married but been together for 15 yrs or so and I'm 33. Just also bought a house this year and in a secure job. Obviously the topic of having children is on our minds and I am keen but just unsure. I do suffer with a lot of anxiety generally and am taking anti-depressants and doing yoga and counselling to help this and it is helping. I've recently been babysitting my sister in laws 2 yr old and it does make me broody but also fearful of how I would cope with a child. He's the best little boy and I love looking after him and look forward to seeing him. I guess with my history my main worry is how do you know your ready to have your own child and what if I wasn't able to manage?!
Anyone been in a similar position or do you just go for it and think you just manage and muddle your way through. My husband is keen for children soon.

spottybananas · 23-01-2015 1:21pm

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and not remotely ready in any way other than age (I'm 30, husband is 35). We are married just over a year, so I became pregnant less than a year after our wedding, which was very unexpected. We discussed it "for real" about 6 months after our wedding, did we definitely want children (the answer was maybe/we didn't know), when did we want them (if we were going to have them at all we said in 2-3 years purely due to age), that sort of thing. We decided that obviously trying would take some time, we'd try for definite summer 2015, and if it didn't happen so be it, if it did, again, so be it. We ditched contraception as we figured we might as well enjoy the months/years of unprotected sex!

I got pregnant about 2 weeks later :rolleyes: My husband has coped quite well, I'm still in shock, and often denial. I suffer from anxiety quite a lot too, and the enormity of it all now that it's not just hypothetical is very different. I worry about money, work, the stress of it all. But it's happening, so there's not a lot I can do about it, just have to get on with it! I do think in some ways it would've been "easier" mentally if we had been trying for a while, but for the first tests I did be positive and not have ended in a miscarriage or anything (I'm quite the realist/pessimist!) has all been a lot to take in.

Short answer is: nobody is ever really ready, even people who think they are don't know for definite that they are. If everyone waited until they were ready nobody would ever have kids :P

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 1:24pm

spottybananas wrote: »

Short answer is: nobody is ever really ready, even people who think they are don't know for definite that they are. If everyone waited until they were ready nobody would ever have kids :P

This is exactly what my husband says! Best the first one is an accident and the choice is almost taken away from you. That sounds awful but you know what I mean. I love spending time with my nephew I just go home and think god almighty I'm exhausted after a few hours!

PLL · 23-01-2015 1:28pm

Nobody is ever ready. It is just a case of giving birth and everything instantly becoming natural.

spottybananas · 23-01-2015 1:34pm

snoopy29 wrote: »

This is exactly what my husband says! Best the first one is an accident and the choice is almost taken away from you.

Exactly!!! Most of my friends got pregnant by accident and were well into the 8+ week mark and launched right into it before they knew what was happening, we knew when I was a few hours late :rolleyes:

I'd do much better if I found out at about 38 weeks pregnant, I could cope fine with getting all the practicalities together in no time, having months to worry about everything!

2xj3hplqgsbkym · 23-01-2015 1:36pm

Agree with previous poster. You can never be 100% ready for a baby or pregnancy, I am pregnant with my 3rd child and some times I get a feeling if panic, like "oh my god what am I doing??"

And then other times I think about the day I took my first child home from hospital, and I sat on the bed crying uncontrollably, trying to explain to my poor husband, that I didn't know that I could love somebody so much, and how could I cope if anything ever happened to him.

My husband was sure for years that he was ready, I was never sure if I was ready, and like you looked for reassurance about how do I know when. In the end, I said we would try, and hey presto, was lucky enough to fall pregnant straight away.

Everyday my children make me laugh, somedays they make me cry, but they really are the most amazing and worthwhile people in my life.

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 1:41pm

I do feel if I leave it for another few years I'll be pushing on especially for a first baby but also I think if I leave it later I'll become more and more used to doing what I want with my time and the transition will be harder. It's funny you spend so many years trying not to get pregnant and then when your finally physically and financially ready its like, I don't know!

Neyite · 23-01-2015 1:48pm

Even if you are ready, you still get that 'oh, sh!t, this just got real' moment when you get that second line on the test. But you figure it out day by day and if you have a bad day, you have plenty of good ones to compensate.

I've very nervous with babies belonging to others but grand and confident with my own.

The good thing is that now you are aware of your mental health, you'd be able to see any sign of PND and get help to nip it in the bud before it takes root, whereas I think the women who have never experienced depressive episodes before babies don't see it coming and it can sometimes be a long lonely road for them before its identified and they get help for it.

I was very concious to look out for it at the time, but apart from the usual baby blues around a week in, I was fine, so it doesn't necessarily follow that if you've had MH issues in the past, they'll resurface.

Dobbit · 23-01-2015 1:57pm

I've been married for several years, bought a house, have a well paying job. Do you think I feel ready? Not a hope.

There's never a good time.

At least you have experience with other kids, I've never so much as changed a nappy!

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 1:58pm

Up until this little guy was born I'd never held a baby, changed a nappy, babysat - nothing! It has opened my eyes to the reality of it, whether that's a good or bad thing I don't know yet!

Dobbit · 23-01-2015 2:01pm

I suppose if you're gonna get covered in poop, better that it's your own kid's poop?

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 2:02pm

LOL

greenorchard · 23-01-2015 2:32pm

Same as everyone else, I think you're never really fully ready. We decided to start trying cos we were finally in stable jobs & we were both 31. We didn't want to put it off any longer as we knew we wanted kids at some stage & had no idea if it would take a long time to conceive & we didn't want to end up regretting holding off a few years down the line.
And then I got pregnant straight away which we were amazed & delighted about (like spottybananas the first pregnancy test I ever took was positive!) but I still get "oh crap, what are we letting ourselves in for" moments. I think everyone gets those moments, it's only natural when you're taking the leap into parenthood.

sallymomo · 23-01-2015 2:56pm

We are due today officially.
We are together 12 years in May, married 7 - we were the 1st of our group to get married and the rest who have gotten married since now all have children.
We also planned this!
Am i ready, no way!! Having never done this before I can safely say I am not ready, am very nervous (and excited) and hope not to mess it up!
And I'm not giving birth...

Best of luck!

lazygal · 23-01-2015 3:05pm

I have two kids and I still don't know if I'm ready for children!
I was really conscious of people who struggled to conceive and this and a few other factors made the decision for us. I wasn't ready first time and when my first was six months I was pregnant again, which was planned but I still freaked out.
I don't like babies and never oohed and ahhed over them. I was the first of my close friends to have a baby and I'm the only one so far with two. I still haven't a clue what I'm doing, and anyone who thinks they know it all doesn't.
I will say don't underestimate how your relationship can change, for good and bad, after children. That was the biggest shock to the system.

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 3:12pm

Yeah I've seen the changes in my SIL's relationship, definitely something to factor in. Only thing in that respect, we've been together so long and weathered a fair issues during that time so well I know it wont be easy I think we will muddle through.

GaGa21 · 23-01-2015 3:24pm

I'm married nearly 4 years, have worked as a Nanny for 15 years and have seen pregnancy, births and postnatal in my time as a student midwife. I'm 36 and still don't know if I'm ready! I know how much of a life changer it is. How tiring it can be Mon-Fri with full nights sleep for me, never mind 24/7! I love my freedom as we travel a lot. We are in stable jobs but still renting so i would like our own home first. But lately I have been seriously considering not having children at all. My husband would be happy either way. I think it's a natual instinct to want children but your head can tell you the reasons not to. It's so hard to know what to do....

spottybananas · 23-01-2015 4:05pm

I have a lot of experience with small babies and small children, for me personally if I didn't have that I'd be bricking it a lot worse than I am. I'm used to holding, feeding, changing small babies so at least that bit will be fine, my husband is terrified of all those bits

snoopy29 · 23-01-2015 4:07pm

Im not used to any of that! Well I've changed a few nappy's recently and its great now he's nearly 2 he does it all for himself and tells me what to do LOL

angeldelight · 24-01-2015 5:39pm

Neyite wrote: »

Even if you are ready, you still get that 'oh, sh!t, this just got real' moment when you get that second line on the test. But you figure it out day by day and if you have a bad day, you have plenty of good ones to compensate.

100% agree with this - we had been trying for 18 months when I got pregnant and when I saw the positive test I burst out crying from fear not excitement!!

Hannibal Smith · 24-01-2015 5:46pm

Hah! I remember getting that first positive test and after our initial cheers and tears of joy...myself and my husband just sank into a chair and stared out the window in a 'oh crap what have we done' kind of way...and that pregnancy was completely planned.

Sligo1 · 24-01-2015 6:01pm

Is anyone ever ready? Really ready? I always said I wanted my first before I turned 30. So one night me and OH said we'd give it a go. Next night we had changed our minds and said we'd wait till we were married (had wedding booked 15months away) . A couple weeks later had a positive test. We were so excited and so scared. I had only held a baby once when I was 13. Never changed a nappy or had anything to do with any baby! Clueless wasn't the word! But it was and is great! 2 years later we have 2 and thinking about number 3

.

cbyrd · 24-01-2015 11:09pm

I've just had my fifth, 9 weeks ago and I'm waiting for the grown ups to arrive and ask what I'm doing!

spottybananas · 24-01-2015 11:18pm

For me it's worry and fear of the future financially that worries/upsets me, we don't earn much despite working hard as was helpfully pointed out by my mother recently. There's actually someone we know "working" the SW system and getting more a week for doing nothing than either of us do for working 25-45 hours a week, which is pretty depressing.

While we should be ok day to day I doubt we'll be putting anyone through college. But then we're both college dropouts who went into it too young and not knowing what we wanted, and have actually done quite well in areas completely unrelated to the things we studied...if it wasn't for that pesky recession we'd still be flying!

eviltwin · 24-01-2015 11:22pm

The truth is you are never really ready. No matter how prepared you think you are its a scary venture and there is always something that crops up you can't plan for. But people have babies all the time and manage and you will too. My first was a surprise and I was totally clueless. My daughter was the first baby I ever held, we didn't know the first thing about raising a child and 18 years later we are still learning but we muddle though. We're not perfect, we make mistakes. But we have a lot of love, laughter and happiness and that gets you through.

Dolbert · 25-01-2015 12:30am

I found the idea of a baby much more scary and overwhelming than when he was actually here. Pregnancy is all about this huge event that's looming, afterwards you're just taking each day as it comes, getting on with it and the practical stuff takes over! I had no experience with babies, but within a day that concern had evaporated too. If you weren't at least a little worried it'd be pretty strange tbh!

Hannibal Smith · 25-01-2015 12:13pm

cbyrd wrote: »

I've just had my fifth, 9 weeks ago and I'm waiting for the grown ups to arrive and ask what I'm doing!

Get outta here! Congratulations cbyrd!

snoopy29 · 26-01-2015 9:53am

Thanks girls, it's good to know that a lot of people feel like I do and have the same worries. I don't think im gonna rush into it today but definitely in the near future its on the horizon!

How do you know when your ready?

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