Suggesting a 'casual' arrangement to a girl - good or bad idea?!

route9 · 29-10-2014 9:58pm #1

I know this probably does depend on the girl and the situation...but just interested to hear some opinions/advice from readers on this one!

Note - Mods if this isn't one for the TGC then no problem, I understand if it isn't.

Anyway, I went on a date with a girl at the weekend (friend of a friend type thing). I wouldn't say there was instant chemistry as such, but we did end up in bed together at the end of the night. It was lots of fun but I am not sure if there is a 'match' there as such.

In any case, while I am not sure if I would see anything serious progressing, we really did have fun and I am tempted to see if she would be up for a 'casual' thing. Now I have no idea what her reaction will be. I guess there is every chance she might consider it, but she also might think 'oh no, I'm not that kind of girl'. We were also fairly merry at the end of the night, and maybe it's not the kind of thing she would normally do..

We are friends on Facebook and I messaged her yesterday just to say hello. She replied once but after I sent a second message yesterday afternoon I haven't heard from her. So what I am thinking is that she may be on the same wavelength as me - in that she maybe also doesn't see an obvious connection, but that the fun was, well...fun

What say you gents? Should I just gently propose something casual, or maybe a date, while making it clear what I am suggesting...?

Interested to hear the opinions of the gents on here. I am more of a relationship guy but it has been so long since I had one of those that I am just thinking - why not try this!

lm01 · 29-10-2014 10:13pm

Don't see any harm in suggesting something. Maybe say something along the lines of "I got the impression I'm not the kind of guy you see yourself with long term but that's ok with me as I'm not looking for anything serious myself! Really enjoyed the evening and think you're a great girl though so if you ever want to meet up again let me know."

I think it will go over better if you frame it as her rejecting the idea of something serious instead than you doing it, and don't make it sound like you want to use her or think she's "just easy". Good luck.

route9 · 29-10-2014 10:20pm

lm01 wrote: »

Don't see any harm in suggesting something. Maybe say something along the lines of "I got the impression I'm not the kind of guy you see yourself with long term but that's ok with me as I'm not looking for anything serious myself! Really enjoyed the evening and think you're a great girl though so if you ever want to meet up again let me know."

I think it will go over better if you frame it as her rejecting the idea of something serious instead than you doing it, and don't make it sound like you want to use her or think she's "just easy". Good luck.

Cheers - funny that as it reads exactly like something I would write myself! Totally agree there, I do get the impression that that is the case.

The only thing I wonder is whether saying something like that is obvious enough? I guess I could make it a little bit more so! Subtly of course.

lm01 · 29-10-2014 10:23pm

route9 wrote: »

The only thing I wonder is whether saying something like that is obvious enough? I guess I could make it a little bit more so! Subtly of course.

Depends on whether you think she'd be offended if not interested. And what she might tell your mutual friend.

route9 · 29-10-2014 10:27pm

lm01 wrote: »

Depends on whether you think she'd be offended if not interested. And what she might tell your mutual friend.

Well the interesting thing there is that on the night she asked me not to tell the mutual friend that we were together!

I actually don't think at all that she'd be offended. My impression is that she would just politely say it's not what she's looking for. I also think there's a chance she might just go 'hmm let me think about it'.

She is also going to be really busy with work stuff over the next couple of months, so doubt she'd have time for dating anyone. A casual hook-up on occasion on the other hand...

route9 · 29-10-2014 10:29pm

The mutual friend is not actually a close friend either. Plus it could be a 'secret' arrangement. Could make it all more exciting

Pawwed Rig · 29-10-2014 11:11pm

Mod note - Moved to Relationship Issues. That charter now applies

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:15pm

I was wondering how the view count increased 200-fold!

Would be great to hear people's thoughts on here too, thanks.

CaraMay · 29-10-2014 11:30pm

I would think that she just wants to let it drop seeing as she didn't reply to your second message.

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:33pm

CaraMay wrote: »

I would think that she just wants to let it drop seeing as she didn't reply to your second message.

Perhaps...or could just be busy. I also checked again and she only read my last message this time yesterday (last night).

Tasden · 29-10-2014 11:41pm

Just say you had fun but want to be straight and don't want anything serious/commitment and you kinda get the impression she feels the same, if she would be up for a more casual arrangement that'd be great, but you understand some people aren't into that so understand if its not her thing and would rather call it quits.

I honestly would prefer a guy to say that straight out than to continue dating or whatever in the hope it remains casual. When its an open and agreed arrangement from the get go that's fine, when one half of the couple isn't privy to that and is expecting more then its not gonna be too nice a suggestion when it is brought up so I doubt it would offend.

CaraMay · 29-10-2014 11:41pm

route9 wrote: »

Perhaps...or could just be busy. I also checked again and she only read my last message this time yesterday (last night).

Yeah she could be busy or even playing games by not responding. We don't know but I know if it were me and 95% of the female population, if you were interested in a guy you had just slept with then you wouldn't ignore his texts.

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:45pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah she could be busy or even playing games by not responding. We don't know but I know if it were me and 95% of the female population, if you were interested in a guy you had just slept with then you wouldn't ignore his texts.

Nah not playing games I don't think. She replied the first time saying that she is going be completely flat out with work due to a particular reason she mentioned.

Well I messaged someone last night and they hadn't yet replied I wouldn't call it being ignored! Maybe after a few days, but not 24 hours

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:45pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah she could be busy or even playing games by not responding. We don't know but I know if it were me and 95% of the female population, if you were interested in a guy you had just slept with then you wouldn't ignore his texts.

Nah not playing games I don't think. She replied the first time saying that she is going be completely flat out with work due to a particular reason she mentioned.

Well if I messaged someone last night and they hadn't yet replied I wouldn't call it being ignored! Maybe after a few days, but not 24 hours

Tasden · 29-10-2014 11:45pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah she could be busy or even playing games by not responding. We don't know but I know if it were me and 95% of the female population, if you were interested in a guy you had just slept with then you wouldn't ignore his texts.

Not responding is not necessarily ignoring

CaraMay · 29-10-2014 11:47pm

Tasden wrote: »

Not responding is not necessarily ignoring

Let's see shall we?

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:47pm

Tasden wrote: »

Just say you had fun but want to be straight and don't want anything serious/commitment and you kinda get the impression she feels the same, if she would be up for a more casual arrangement that'd be great, but you understand some people aren't into that so understand if its not her thing and would rather call it quits.

Think that's spot on actually! Pretty much what I'll say I reckon!

Tasden wrote: »

I honestly would prefer a guy to say that straight out than to continue dating or whatever in the hope it remains casual. When its an open and agreed arrangement from the get go that's fine, when one half of the couple isn't privy to that and is expecting more then its not gonna be too nice a suggestion when it is brought up so I doubt it would offend.

Agreed, that is the first thing I thought of - that I'd want to be transparent.

I don't know, I guess I will just message her and see what happens.

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:49pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Let's see shall we?

If you expect people to reply within a day then you must get ignored a lot!

It was a message rather than a text.

route9 · 29-10-2014 11:50pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Let's see shall we?

If you expect people to always reply within a day or less then you must get ignored a lot!

It was a message rather than a text.

Tasden · 30-10-2014 12:02am

CaraMay wrote: »

Let's see shall we?

Makes no difference to me.

I just don't jump to the conclusion that I'm being ignored based on not having received a reply within a set time period. Some people have busy lives. Regardless of how much I like someone I don't always have the time to be sending texts back and forth.

Dr. Lollington · 30-10-2014 10:40am

CaraMay wrote: »

Let's see shall we?

It was a facebook message not a text and she only read it last night. Not everyone replies to messages straight away regardless of much they like the person!

let's not jump the gun and be so condescendingly negative, shall we?

OP, I think you're going about this the right way and I really hope it works out for you. I'm a woman and have had casual things like this in the past were alot of fun.

Even if it doesn't work out with her, someone else will come along in time, you never know what's just around the corner (and hopefully it's really hot!)

Best of luck!!

Shrap · 30-10-2014 11:33am

route9 wrote: »

In any case, while I am not sure if I would see anything serious progressing, we really did have fun and I am tempted to see if she would be up for a 'casual' thing.

route9 wrote: »

She is also going to be really busy with work stuff over the next couple of months, so doubt she'd have time for dating anyone. A casual hook-up on occasion on the other hand...

OP, what strikes me about your posts is that you are being remarkably hasty about trying to arrange a casual arrangement. In my experience, the beauty of a casual thing is that there are no obligations, no arrangements and no commitments. From what I can see here, you're about to go down the road of at least asking her would she be interested in a "thing" on occasion. Why ask, if that's supposed to be so casual? Why not just let it happen if it's going to, in the same way as you ended up together this time?

I'd be wary of investing anything in a casual "thing" if I were you, and right now, you're investing a lot of time over thinking it, to my mind. The biggest problem with casual hook-ups with a particular person is the expectation that it could keep happening. If you can't handle living with the "will she/won't she" aspect of meeting her and need reassurance that it's a "thing" that will happen, then it's no longer casual.

Tasden · 30-10-2014 12:05pm

Shrap wrote: »

OP, what strikes me about your posts is that you are being remarkably hasty about trying to arrange a casual arrangement. In my experience, the beauty of a casual thing is that there are no obligations, no arrangements and no commitments. From what I can see here, you're about to go down the road of at least asking her would she be interested in a "thing" on occasion. Why ask, if that's supposed to be so casual? Why not just let it happen if it's going to, in the same way as you ended up together this time?

I'd be wary of investing anything in a casual "thing" if I were you, and right now, you're investing a lot of time over thinking it, to my mind. The biggest problem with casual hook-ups with a particular person is the expectation that it could keep happening. If you can't handle living with the "will she/won't she" aspect of meeting her and need reassurance that it's a "thing" that will happen, then it's no longer casual.

"Letting it happen" could be seen as dating/courting/whatever you wanna call it, and if somebody is dating in order to find "the one" which a lot of people are then they're not gonna be too happy to have wasted time for it all just to amount to him wanting something casual.

Any arrangement I've had we discussed our intentions so neither of us expected anything and once that was done no more conversations were needed and nobody got hurt.

Shrap · 30-10-2014 12:49pm

Tasden wrote: »

"Letting it happen" could be seen as dating/courting/whatever you wanna call it, and if somebody is dating in order to find "the one" which a lot of people are then they're not gonna be too happy to have wasted time for it all just to amount to him wanting something casual.

Any arrangement I've had we discussed our intentions so neither of us expected anything and once that was done no more conversations were needed and nobody got hurt.

Any casual sexual partner I've had has never been "an arrangement". Mind you, I've only had that twice in my life, where hooking up with someone repeatedly came with no expectations, no obligations and no arrangement. There was no need to discuss what was a purely lustful matter of convenience and good timing, until I (or he) didn't want to any more.

The OP seems quite clear that he doesn't want a relationship, and the woman will doubtless be able to express for herself if she does or doesn't want their next meeting to end up the same way. I really can't see how "letting it happen" could denote dating, as opposed to arranging something "casual" (which to me, sounds more like dating)!

I'm not saying my opinion is right - just that it's been my experience of something genuinely casual is that it doesn't come with arrangements.

Tasden · 30-10-2014 1:03pm

Shrap wrote: »

Any casual sexual partner I've had has never been "an arrangement". Mind you, I've only had that twice in my life, where hooking up with someone repeatedly came with no expectations, no obligations and no arrangement. There was no need to discuss what was a purely lustful matter of convenience and good timing, until I (or he) didn't want to any more.

The OP seems quite clear that he doesn't want a relationship, and the woman will doubtless be able to express for herself if she does or doesn't want their next meeting to end up the same way. I really can't see how "letting it happen" could denote dating, as opposed to arranging something "casual" (which to me, sounds more like dating)!

I'm not saying my opinion is right - just that it's been my experience of something genuinely casual is that it doesn't come with arrangements.

Whatever works for the people involved tbh.

But i would rather err on the side of caution and just make sure we're both on the same page tbh.
You make the term "arrangement" sound like we whipped out contracts and had them filed for future reference :pac: a quick chat bout whether the other person has expectations or not is just common courtesy if you think the person may be more invested or looking for a long term thing or whatever.
I've had things that were casual and fun and then the guy would have the "exclusive" talk because he felt it was the next natural step if we've been sleeping with each other regularly and get on well, so I always think its just better to clear the air before someone gets ideas. I do get what you mean though.

route9 · 30-10-2014 1:05pm

Shrap wrote: »

OP, what strikes me about your posts is that you are being remarkably hasty about trying to arrange a casual arrangement. In my experience, the beauty of a casual thing is that there are no obligations, no arrangements and no commitments. From what I can see here, you're about to go down the road of at least asking her would she be interested in a "thing" on occasion. Why ask, if that's supposed to be so casual? Why not just let it happen if it's going to, in the same way as you ended up together this time?

I'd be wary of investing anything in a casual "thing" if I were you, and right now, you're investing a lot of time over thinking it, to my mind. The biggest problem with casual hook-ups with a particular person is the expectation that it could keep happening. If you can't handle living with the "will she/won't she" aspect of meeting her and need reassurance that it's a "thing" that will happen, then it's no longer casual.

Oh, well the reason for that is because I wouldn't be seeing this girl in the normal course of events, as in it's not like I will be 'seeing her round'. Our mutual friend is not a close friend and so if I were to meet this girl again it would only come about by my instigating it! When I say 'arrange', I really mean suggest it, and then arrange it whenever (casually).

I am definitely fine with the 'will she/won't she' thing, as really I would be just looking for it to be something casual.

route9 · 30-10-2014 1:07pm

Tasden wrote: »

Whatever works for the people involved tbh.

But i would rather err on the side of caution and just make sure we're both on the same page tbh.
You make the term "arrangement" sound like we whipped out contracts and had them filed for future reference :pac: a quick chat bout whether the other person has expectations or not is just common courtesy if you think the person may be more invested or looking for a long term thing or whatever.
I've had things that were casual and fun and then the guy would have the "exclusive" talk because he felt it was the next natural step if we've been sleeping with each other regularly and get on well, so I always think its just better to clear the air before someone gets ideas. I do get what you mean though.

Exactly. I would rather be really clear with someone and fully transparent, laying my cards on the table, than have the other person thinking that I was suggesting something other than what I had in mind.

route9 · 30-10-2014 1:08pm

Side note - something is up as Boards won't let me edit a post, so it appears twice!

Side note 2 - this might be all a moot discussion if she isn't into my proposal!!

route9 · 30-10-2014 1:10pm

Dr. Lollington wrote: »

It was a facebook message not a text and she only read it last night. Not everyone replies to messages straight away regardless of much they like the person!

let's not jump the gun and be so condescendingly negative, shall we?

OP, I think you're going about this the right way and I really hope it works out for you. I'm a woman and have had casual things like this in the past were alot of fun.

Even if it doesn't work out with her, someone else will come along in time, you never know what's just around the corner (and hopefully it's really hot!)

Best of luck!!

Thanks a lot! Means a lot. And the previous negative comment was water off a duck's back

Shrap · 30-10-2014 1:59pm

route9 wrote: »

Oh, well the reason for that is because I wouldn't be seeing this girl in the normal course of events, as in it's not like I will be 'seeing her round'. Our mutual friend is not a close friend and so if I were to meet this girl again it would only come about by my instigating it! When I say 'arrange', I really mean suggest it, and then arrange it whenever (casually).

I am definitely fine with the 'will she/won't she' thing, as really I would be just looking for it to be something casual.

Oh right, that bit didn't register before, sorry! That does make things awkward. So your question for us here really is how do you ask her if she's up for another night of fun without it looking like you want to date/looking like you're being an a**hole for not wanting to date?

Hmm. I'd suggest you avoid that conversation until you're face to face, which would leave you with the option of inviting her out again in a "hey, do ya fancy going out for a fun night again sometime - no expectations or pressure" kind of way, and have a fair idea of what you'd say about keeping it casual if the night started to steer in that general direction again.

route9 · 30-10-2014 2:57pm

Shrap wrote: »

Oh right, that bit didn't register before, sorry! That does make things awkward. So your question for us here really is how do you ask her if she's up for another night of fun without it looking like you want to date/looking like you're being an a**hole for not wanting to date?

Ha, no probs

Well that is pretty much it, yes. However, I am pretty sure that she isn't all that interested in meeting to date, that is just my impression anyway. However, I am sure she must fancy me if we had...that kind of night! So I am not all that concerned there

Shrap wrote: »

Hmm. I'd suggest you avoid that conversation until you're face to face, which would leave you with the option of inviting her out again in a "hey, do ya fancy going out for a fun night again sometime - no expectations or pressure" kind of way, and have a fair idea of what you'd say about keeping it casual if the night started to steer in that general direction again.

Hmm, that sounds much more awkward than emailing her to sound it out! See again, that would involve asking her out on a date, which may get a 'thanks but I don't see a future in this', or if we did go on a date, she might be asking why I bothered if I am only after something casual.

I think the best option is a fairly breezy message worded carefully

Suggesting a 'casual' arrangement to a girl - good or bad idea?!

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