Is it okay to contact an ex on a birthday?

LegacyUser · 28-10-2014 12:12am #1

I was seeing a guy for about a year, but unfortunately he decided to end the relationship. This was about 4 months ago. We haven't really spoken since the breakup (I think he's ignoring me, but I don't know why). His birthday is this week and I don't know if I should wish him a happy birthday or to ignore it.

My birthday was in July (after the breakup) and he sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday, but I ignored it because I was still feeling hurt. I tried contacting him a few weeks later, but I was ignored as well. Maybe he took offence to me not responding, I don't know.

Should I return the same message on his birthday? I don't want him to fade completely from my life (we ended our relationship on good terms) and I feel if I don't contact him on his birthday, that just might happen. It may seem petty if I don't. Although if he ignores me again I'll feel like a fool for trying.

Then again, I don't want him to think I haven't moved on with my life, which I have. I'm happy and even back dating again. But reaching out might make it seem like he's still on my mind (I know this post proves that he is, but only to the point where I don't want to lose contact forever).

I can't decide what to do as there seems to be pros and cons to both options! What do you think?

CaraMay · 28-10-2014 6:55am

I wouldn't bother. Why do you think he is ignoring you if you haven't been in contact? Actually that doesn't matter. Move on and leave him be. No point looking back.

R.D. aka MR.D · 28-10-2014 7:27am

You know an ex of mine always used to send me happy birthday messages and this was the first year that he didn't. I so glad that it has finally stopped.

Do you really think that you are over him? Why do you want to stay in contact?

keithclancy · 28-10-2014 9:52am

anon150 wrote: »

Then again, I don't want him to think I haven't moved on with my life, which I have. I'm happy and even back dating again. But reaching out might make it seem like he's still on my mind (I know this post proves that he is, but only to the point where I don't want to lose contact forever).

Clearly he is still on your mind, you would be better off to leave it imo. If he is ignoring you he is probably trying to do this also.

tinkerbell · 28-10-2014 11:25am

No, you have broken up and not on good terms - leave it well alone IMO.

Pinkmoon19 · 28-10-2014 12:38pm

I definitely wouldn't. Nothing good can come out of it.

m'lady · 28-10-2014 1:00pm

Why bother? Your not in contact with him, and why try make contact? Do you still have feeling for him?, if so that's a different issue! I haven't remembered my ex's birthday when it comes around and even if I did I wouldn't bother, as I don't want him in my life. Why do you actually want to wish him a happy birthday OP?

Buona Fortuna · 28-10-2014 1:08pm

I'm in the same club - definately not contact your ex.

I'd also say delete them from FB, your phone, e-mail, anything else and move on with your life. There's nothing for either of you here.

All the best OP

Big Bag of Chips · 28-10-2014 1:17pm

If you are still friends with each other on Facebook then I would see no harm in adding a "Happy birthday" to the list of everyone else's. However if you are not friends and you would be sending him a text then just delete his number. You have no use for it anymore.

Either way I don't think he'll notice if you don't send him a message... Only you can answer if you would be sending the message just so he would notice?

You may become friends again down the line. For now though it is too soon. Maybe he is seeing someone now and out of respect for her doesn't want to maintain contact with a recent ex.

LegacyUser · 28-10-2014 9:25pm

Hi it's me again.

I had already convinced myself to not contact him on his birthday, but this week I was getting second thoughts. Thinking about it, the only reason to contact him would be for my own benefit, and I really don't think it would help me at all. It might actually hinder my progress from the breakup.

If he does reply, I get false hope that we could be friends or more. If he doesn't reply I will just keep wondering why he doesn't want to talk to me. Either way it's not good for me.

I think if there is ever any hope of reconciliation, it has to come from him first as I have already reached out. Do you think I'm right?

KVA60 · 28-10-2014 10:29pm

I think you should just leave things the way they are. If I or one of my mates contacts an ex on their birthday it's usually an excuse to get back into contact. Likewise for Christmas etc. If you want to contact him do it on another accord so it doesn't come off obvious. If not, leave it..he hasn't been in contact and he didn't respond to your last message, you don't owe him anything at this stage.

Merkin · 28-10-2014 11:47pm

I think you've already displayed quite a lot of insight in your most recent post. You sending him a text and were he then to reply will merely instil false hope. And then what? Will he need to reject you a second time if he thinks you're still keen? If it's over it is over and there's absolutely nothing to be gained from it if you're still a little raw after the breakup. I personally wouldn't bother.

ivytwine · 29-10-2014 11:41am

I was in the same situation as you way back when, broke up really badly with a guy (he did the dumping). His birthday was a month after we broke up. I sent him a really gushy message (cringe- a little part of me thought he'd realise he loved me after all- again, cringe!)

I got one word back; "Thanks."

Don't text him OP. It's over. Delete his number and you can start to move on.

Matteroffact · 29-10-2014 12:05pm

The only reason you want to text him on his birthday is because you would like him to think "gosh, she remembered my birthday, she is so nice". You are trying to be something in his eyes and still trying to get his attention. And guess what, that is how it will come across to him too, don't do it. He will actually think more of you if you don't, believe me.

Dellnum · 29-10-2014 12:10pm

You have both moved on, you don't need his approval, or do you ?

catonthewire · 30-10-2014 1:44am

One word.

No..........

It's over, move on with your life, it will serve no purpose other than upset you if he ignores the text...

LegacyUser · 30-10-2014 10:39pm

It's me back again.

I've been thinking to myself a lot lately "What will I do on his birthday. Should I text him?" I thought about it probably more than I should have. Because of this, over the past few days I've been thinking about him a lot. So much so that it has gotten me reminiscing about our relationship, about what we were doing this time last year, what we were doing for his birthday.

It has gotten me upset, and now I really want to reach out, even though I know I shouldn't. I realise now that I'm really not over him yet and his birthday has set me back on my recovery. Now I just hope I don't have one too many glasses of wine tomorrow and send him a message.

Idle Passerby · 31-10-2014 1:06am

The fact that a text to someone you are no longer in contact with is such a big deal says this wouldn't just be a friendly off the cuff happy birthday text. Your investing an awful lot in a text you don't even know if you will send. You are in no way over this guy. Wishing someone a happy birthday shouldn't require this much analysis and forethought.

He more than likely will not put even close to the same importance on it as you have, he may even find it irritating. He doesn't want to be in touch, don't make a nuisance of yourself.

If you think you'll be tempted to text him after a few drinks, delete his number or turn your phone off and leave it at home.

shalalala · 31-10-2014 1:18am

My ex broke up with me after nearly 3 years. It was my birthday over two months after we finished and I got a "happy birthday x" text message.

Part of me wanted to hear from him but when I got it I got angry. I never replied because the only thing I could think of replying was "die x" and I didn't want to be a bitch.

It put a dampner on my day and even though he did the dumping, it is going to make you miss him more and keep him on your mind for the day. You will feel so much better and stronger by not texting him. Trust me

catonthewire · 31-10-2014 1:07pm

anon150 wrote: »

It's me back again.

I've been thinking to myself a lot lately "What will I do on his birthday. Should I text him?" I thought about it probably more than I should have. Because of this, over the past few days I've been thinking about him a lot. So much so that it has gotten me reminiscing about our relationship, about what we were doing this time last year, what we were doing for his birthday.

It has gotten me upset, and now I really want to reach out, even though I know I shouldn't. I realise now that I'm really not over him yet and his birthday has set me back on my recovery. Now I just hope I don't have one too many glasses of wine tomorrow and send him a message.

There are very few people who come through breakups who don't reminisce about an ex, think of the Good times, birthdays, Xmas together...
It's life, it honestly takes a longtime to adjust to losing a loved one completely from our lives.....

You really must accept this, allow yourself to reminisce but don't dwell on the past...
If you honestly can't avoid drunk texting him, then the only solution is to delete his details....
Honestly it really is the only way to finaly move on, you have already began your journey into recovery, don't set it back by longing for a guy who is in your past, for a reason!...

Stavro Mueller · 31-10-2014 2:05pm

You know, maybe it's for the best that you are being honest with yourself here. You aren't over him which is something you'll need to ponder seeing as you're dating someone else now. Your ex ended the relationship so it's unlikely he's having second thoughts. When someone ends a relationship, it's seldom a snap decision but one that they've been thinking about for a while. By the time he broke it off with you, he had already gotten over the relationship to a certain extent and was moving on. So when he sent you that text he was sending it from a different place to where you were (if that makes sense?). You might regret it now but you were right to ignore it. What good would it have done? All that a text exchange with him would've done was given you false hope.

If you're honest with yourself here, you don't want to be "friends" with him. If he turned up on your doorstep this evening and said he'd made a horrible mistake in breaking things off with you, what would your reaction be? Honestly?

If you think you're going to drunk text him, now's the time to prevent that happening. Despite what you might like to think, you still can control your actions and you still have free will. As the others have suggested, delete his number from your contacts, unfriend him on Facebook and other social media. If you can't face doing that, maybe some of these anti-drunk dialling apps might help http://allwomenstalk.com/apps-to-prevent-drunk-dialing Also if you think you'll get a bit maudlin, why not arrange something with some friends to keep your mind off him.

power pants · 31-10-2014 7:24pm

hi op

send him the message you clearly want to. dont see the harm in it either if that is what you want to do

Seems to me you want to send the message and you want him to reply

Do what you think is right. You have heard the advice on here and still thinking you should. It doesnt mean you are wrong to send the text

MugMugs · 31-10-2014 9:45pm

To put it nicely op, you want to intimate contact. He doesn't. Don't spend your time chasing somebody not into you otherwise you'll miss all the fun to be had in life

Move on

Matteroffact · 01-11-2014 3:47pm

If he wanted you back the fact that you didn't send him a birthday card is not going to change his mind

Heat_Wave · 01-11-2014 8:13pm

Send the text OP.

No one here knows whether he will reply or not. if he doesn't well then you have your answer and you can delete his number and move on. If he does then happy days.

Everyone goes on about 'keeping your pride'. Swallow your pride every now and again. Life is for living.

veganrun · 04-11-2014 10:01am

Something similar happened to me. I was seeing a girl for a couple of months but then she ended it. We ended on good terms but it surprised me how much I liked her. I kept her on Facebook but knew my birthday was coming up so I hid my birthday details on Facebook as I didn't want to hear from her but somehow she still remembered and sent me a Happy Birthday message.

While it was nice of her to do that, it mostly just stirred up feelings I had for her and if I'm honest, I wish she hadn't contacted me. Even though it might sound cruel, if we weren't going to be a couple, I didn't want to hear from her or have anything to do with her. She's a lovely person, but I just know I couldn't be around her and just try to be friends after us being more.

In the end I blocked her on Facebook (It looks like you've deleted your profile that way) and I changed my email account (been wanting to do that for a while) and I also deleted her number and any mails, pictures or any contact details but didn't tell her any of this, I just did it myself.

It sounds to me like you are hoping you and him might get back together. Personally if someone decides they don't want to be with me, I'm not doing myself any favours by hanging around and accepting the token gesture of "being friends" and pretending I'm fine with that.

Unless you've some sort of valid reason to stay in touch (joint owners of something etc) then I'd say just delete his details and move on with your life.

I'm definitely more relaxed now knowing I don't have to worry about seeing an email or FB message from my ex.

All the best.

Is it okay to contact an ex on a birthday?

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