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Sounds stupid

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  • 29-10-2014 11:31pm
    #1
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭


    Hi guys,

    As the title suggests this may sound stupid! Bit of background was with a guy for 5years and broke up with him over a year ago now, best decision I've ever made. Was an awful relationship looking back full of jealousy etc....
    3months ago I met this guy , who I know is the one I didn't believe when people said you will know when you've found the one. Anyways never been happier etc. the only thing that's holding me back is he has a 4 year old little girl and as shallow as that sounds believe me I know it sounds harsh but I always said id never date someone with a kid. Now all that image has changed as I wouldn't let that stop me with this guy. Only thing is I've only told select friends about him having a kid , I haven't told my parents and this is the thing that's scaring me it sounds stupid I know but I feel like they will judge him on this. Suppose I should say I'm 27 so it's not as if im in my teens. I dunno how to approach this and wether I'm honestly being ridiculous....

    I don't mean any offence to anyone who has kids....

    Thanks for any replys!


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    #2
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Do your parents like him? If so, why would that change their view. I'm sure if they like him and know he makes you happy then a 'little extra package' won't change their view.

    In saying that, their response will likely be led by the way you tell them and it will probably make them suspicious that you haven't mentioned something huge like this before now.

    To speak frankly, I have step kids and it's hard work and not for everyone. Dealing with certain ex's can be tricky so make sure you are at peace with it before you get too involved in the child's life. He has introduced you to her very very early IMHO...


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    #3
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Do your parents like him? If so, why would that change their view. I'm sure if they like him and know he makes you happy then a 'little extra package' won't change their view.

    In saying that, their response will likely be led by the way you tell them and it will probably make them suspicious that you haven't mentioned something huge like this before now.

    To speak frankly, I have step kids and it's hard work and not for everyone. Dealing with certain ex's can be tricky so make sure you are at peace with it before you get too involved in the child's life. He has introduced you to her very very early IMHO...

    Hi thanks for your reply :) I haven't met his daughter nor would I until we were both certain we would be together long term.

    My parents don't know about him yet....

    That's my situation....


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    #4
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Well again it's all about how you sell it to them meaning if they get positive vibes about this guy then they will have a better feeling about it all. I would introduce them when you are ready and not too long after explain about the child. I can on one level understand why you haven't told your parents but why not your friends?


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    #5
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Well again it's all about how you sell it to them meaning if they get positive vibes about this guy then they will have a better feeling about it all. I would introduce them when you are ready and not too long after explain about the child. I can on one level understand why you haven't told your parents but why not your friends?

    Yeah suppose your right it's how I sell it... Yeah I'm not ready to introduce yet but I dunno it's like the little child in me afraid to tell my mammy something incase I get in trouble haha....
    I've told my close friends I'm not one for telling my business to everyone...
    You see I've accepted this situation so I don't know why I care about anyone else I'm crazy about this guy...


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    #6
    Redser87
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Redser87


    If she is 4 she has probably just started school in September, so it's probably just as well that you would get to know her after she has made that transition. A lot of school events take on huge importance in Junior Infants as it is their first time being in a school play/ Christmas concert/ first PT meeting. If things do get very serious, it could be worth asking yourself if you could make yourself available for these things - not only the actual event, but the chatter about it beforehand and afterwards. It is a huge responsibility and it sounds like you know it's not one to be taken on lightly.
    I suppose the sooner you can move on from acceptance to seeing it as a really positive thing, the sooner you will be able to show people through your spoken and unspoken communication that you are mad about this guy and happy to be where you are in life. I'm the same age as yourself and I must say, if a friend said that this was her situation, I would only worry about her if I picked up from her that she is not happy herself.
    I suppose we never stop needing validation and approval completely, but once you are completely at peace with this, that will come across and I'm sure people will be happy for you.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Before you worry another minute about what other people think, maybe back up a little and think about waiting more than 3 months before you invest any further. You have put a lot of thought into guessing how friends and family might feel, but you haven't said a word about how this 4-year old might feel. Does she need someone appearing and disappearing? Are you sure you're ready to commit to her? That's the thing about any relationship involving a child, you have to reorganise your priorities.
    It doesn't sound like you've given that any thought and you describe her as something of an obstacle, not a priority. Friends and family wouldn't even figure here for me, she'd come first and I'd be making very sure of the relationship before I'd take another step.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    When I got with my now husband, he was separated with 2 kids.

    Like you I never thought I would end up with someone with kids, but when I met him it felt like it was meant to be.
    I never hid the fact he had kids or an ex wife. They are part of who he is - I could never pretend they didn't exist. The day he was meeting my parents he was late because one of his kids was sick. I just told them that was the reason, and they said, 'oh, ok!' They were never given and option in my relationship. Its my relationship, and I get to choose. I think they were of the opinion that if he is good to me, and we are good together, and I am happy than that is ok with them.
    We are now together 5 years with our own kids, and it has never been an issue. His kids from first relationship are a great help, I've always got on with them and love them to bits. They have their own mam , and we all respect that, but I'm there for them too. I've always said sure having another person love you and care for you could never be a bad thing.

    If you asked me 6 years ago if I would be so happy in our 'situation ' I would have thought you were mad. But here we are, and I couldnt be happier.

    Its all about what feels right for you and the end of the day.


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    #9
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    I would think you don't really know at this point if this guy is "the one" because you havn't been around him in daddy mode and that's a massive part of who his is.

    You also havn't met his daughter. If your going out with a parent, its not just you and him, you are forming a relationship with your partner and their child(ren) so again, you havn't experienced that aspect of the potential relationship yet.

    Reading between the lines of what you've written, I think you may still be battling your own convictions about going out with someone who has a child. If you were totally ok with it I doubt you would give much thought to what your parents think of it.

    Its still early days, relax and see how it goes. By the time you meet the daughter you may not be as anxious about it.


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    #10
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    I don't think your shallow or Harsh at all OP, choosing a partner with a child from another relationship is a massive ask. I've no qualms in saying that if I was your age I would never go for a partner who had a child.


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    #11
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    The romantic side to me would say that if you think he's 'the one' then it wouldn't matter if he had a herd of elephants, however that's not real life.

    I think your main concern is what others will say when you tell them, as you've previously said you wouldn't be with a guy with a child. Things change OP, and your parents/ friends will have to realise that.

    Your a grown adult and only you can make decisions on your life. Stop caring what others think so much and enjoy the relationship and allow it to grow..

    I always said I (from experience) that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a 'Daddy', even though I have a child! (Another story), now? I'm in the best relationship I've ever had with one, and l love the fact that he has a child, and that he understands my situation. We hope to expand our 'family' in the future and I can't wait! I understand you don't have a child, and I'm only telling you this as I had the same idea as yourself.


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    #12
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    Redser87 wrote: »
    If she is 4 she has probably just started school in September, so it's probably just as well that you would get to know her after she has made that transition. A lot of school events take on huge importance in Junior Infants as it is their first time being in a school play/ Christmas concert/ first PT meeting. If things do get very serious, it could be worth asking yourself if you could make yourself available for these things - not only the actual event, but the chatter about it beforehand and afterwards. It is a huge responsibility and it sounds like you know it's not one to be taken on lightly.
    I suppose the sooner you can move on from acceptance to seeing it as a really positive thing, the sooner you will be able to show people through your spoken and unspoken communication that you are mad about this guy and happy to be where you are in life. I'm the same age as yourself and I must say, if a friend said that this was her situation, I would only worry about her if I picked up from her that she is not happy herself.
    I suppose we never stop needing validation and approval completely, but once you are completely at peace with this, that will come across and I'm sure people will be happy for you.

    Thanks for your reply! Yeah she only started school and I don't want to interfere at this point to be introduced to her. The way I see it is when I'm introduced that I'm not just gonna be there for her and then all of a sudden out if her life if we've made the wrong decision being together. I know that will always be a possibility but I want to be fully committed to the relationship first.


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    #13
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    Guessed wrote: »
    Before you worry another minute about what other people think, maybe back up a little and think about waiting more than 3 months before you invest any further. You have put a lot of thought into guessing how friends and family might feel, but you haven't said a word about how this 4-year old might feel. Does she need someone appearing and disappearing? Are you sure you're ready to commit to her? That's the thing about any relationship involving a child, you have to reorganise your priorities.
    It doesn't sound like you've given that any thought and you describe her as something of an obstacle, not a priority. Friends and family wouldn't even figure here for me, she'd come first and I'd be making very sure of the relationship before I'd take another step.

    Thanks for your reply. To be honest you have me all wrong she's the one I'm concerned for here, I'm not going to be introduced until I'm fully committed and invested in this relationship and in her. If I'm there for her I hope to be apart of her life and not just a sweep in. I'm just saying I'm nervous telling family as it is a big commitment I'm taking on I just don't know how to approach it


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    #14
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    stepmammyhere wrote: »
    When I got with my now husband, he was separated with 2 kids.

    Like you I never thought I would end up with someone with kids, but when I met him it felt like it was meant to be.
    I never hid the fact he had kids or an ex wife. They are part of who he is - I could never pretend they didn't exist. The day he was meeting my parents he was late because one of his kids was sick. I just told them that was the reason, and they said, 'oh, ok!' They were never given and option in my relationship. Its my relationship, and I get to choose. I think they were of the opinion that if he is good to me, and we are good together, and I am happy than that is ok with them.
    We are now together 5 years with our own kids, and it has never been an issue. His kids from first relationship are a great help, I've always got on with them and love them to bits. They have their own mam , and we all respect that, but I'm there for them too. I've always said sure having another person love you and care for you could never be a bad thing.

    If you asked me 6 years ago if I would be so happy in our 'situation ' I would have thought you were mad. But here we are, and I couldnt be happier.

    Its all about what feels right for you and the end of the day.

    Thanks for that reply it really helped! It's weird but we just connect and I'm willing to take on his child too and I'm hoping to be there for her as much as she wants... His situation with his ex is pretty tricky as she's still not over him do she tries to still control him so that's also another issue but I think it will be worth it in the end!


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    #15
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    You're being ridiculous.


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    #16
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    Idle Passerby wrote: »
    I would think you don't really know at this point if this guy is "the one" because you havn't been around him in daddy mode and that's a massive part of who his is.

    You also havn't met his daughter. If your going out with a parent, its not just you and him, you are forming a relationship with your partner and their child(ren) so again, you havn't experienced that aspect of the potential relationship yet.

    Reading between the lines of what you've written, I think you may still be battling your own convictions about going out with someone who has a child. If you were totally ok with it I doubt you would give much thought to what your parents think of it.

    Its still early days, relax and see how it goes. By the time you meet the daughter you may not be as anxious about it.

    Thanks for your reply... I agree with your opinion to a point, I am totally ok with it but I can't stop the thoughts of my parents not accepting it. To be honest I could be worrying over nothing as once they see me happy I'm sure they'll understand. As I said in my op I know this sounds stupid.


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    #17
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    skallywag wrote: »
    I don't think your shallow or Harsh at all OP, choosing a partner with a child from another relationship is a massive ask. I've no qualms in saying that if I was your age I would never go for a partner who had a child.

    Thanks for your reply! I have always said I wouldn't get involved with a guy who has a kid but I can't help myself in this case...


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    #18
    Good Advice
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Good Advice


    m'lady wrote: »
    The romantic side to me would say that if you think he's 'the one' then it wouldn't matter if he had a herd of elephants, however that's not real life.

    I think your main concern is what others will say when you tell them, as you've previously said you wouldn't be with a guy with a child. Things change OP, and your parents/ friends will have to realise that.

    Your a grown adult and only you can make decisions on your life. Stop caring what others think so much and enjoy the relationship and allow it to grow..

    I always said I (from experience) that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a 'Daddy', even though I have a child! (Another story), now? I'm in the best relationship I've ever had with one, and l love the fact that he has a child, and that he understands my situation. We hope to expand our 'family' in the future and I can't wait! I understand you don't have a child, and I'm only telling you this as I had the same idea as yourself.

    Thank you for your reply... I think your right situations change and you can't help who you fall in love with! I have to just not care what people think once I'm happy who cares...


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    #19
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Good Advice wrote: »
    Thanks for your reply... I agree with your opinion to a point, I am totally ok with it but I can't stop the thoughts of my parents not accepting it. To be honest I could be worrying over nothing as once they see me happy I'm sure they'll understand. As I said in my op I know this sounds stupid.

    If your parents are in any way reasonable or decent people, they will be able to see how happy you are with this man. If you don't have an issue with him being a father, its no one elses business to take issue on your behalf.

    Don't worry too much about your parents, even if they are quite old fashioned, unless they are very stubborn they will come around when they see you are a committed couple.


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    #20
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Good Advice wrote: »
    Thanks for that reply it really helped! It's weird but we just connect and I'm willing to take on his child too and I'm hoping to be there for her as much as she wants... His situation with his ex is pretty tricky as she's still not over him do she tries to still control him so that's also another issue but I think it will be worth it in the end!

    Op if you're worrying about telling people about your relationship and "owning" the situation for want of a better word then I'd be very concerned that you're not ready for this aspect of the relationship- the ex.

    It takes a pretty secure person to be able to deal with the ex in a situation where kids are involved at the best of times (speaking from experience as both the person with the child and the ex, and as someone who dated someone with a child and the ex involved).

    Throw in an ex, who is the mother of the child and will always have to be involved, (not quite the same as just a normal difficult ex) and who you say yourself has unresolved feelings and controlling tendencies, that will require some strong commitment and security on your part. The fact you're even wary about telling people about the relationship at all just makes me wonder if you're able to deal with that situation.

    I don't know if I'm explaining it well, and i could very well be way off the mark, but it is a situation where you are both going to have to be fairly strong and sure of your relationship to deal with the ex if she is as bad as you say she is re controlling him or what have you, because she is part of his life and the family for life even if not directly part of your relationship with him. And so far you're not even sure enough in the relationship to be telling people.


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    #21
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    I think it is way too soon to be wondering whether this child will make a difference or not. You cannot tell at this stage whether this is the man for you. You are infatuated with him and you think you love him but give it another six months at least before asking yourself whether you would be able for a man with a child. Let the relationship take its course and it will become obvious to you after a while whether you want to continue on with the relationship or not. New relationships need at least 6 months before the novelty of the newness wears off and then relationships can change after the first 6 months. You have to weigh up the fact that this child will grow older every year and every age will bring a different set of problems. She will always come first. He will always have his ex in the background making demands on him. You will be in a better position in a years time to know whether you could live with all of this.


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    #22
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,784 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Do your parents have a big influence on your life? I mean that as in, do they decide where you work, live, if you're allowed out at the weekend etc? I ask purely because your main concern seems to be that they might not approve. So if they don't approve does that mean you finish with this guy?

    I'm just wondering why them being 100% ok with this seems like such a big deal. They might not care that he already has a child, but they might hate him! They might think he's a dick and not good enough for their daughter, and that could happen even if he didn't have a child.

    What I'm saying is you are worrying over one specific aspect of this relationship. And I'm just wondering is it that you yourself aren't all that comfortable with him having a child? I would think his ex is a bigger problem. My husband had a 4 year old daughter when I started going out with him. Him and his ex were as civil as exes can be, I suppose. There were still some ugly moments, but I was never dragged into anything. You can be sure if his ex still wants to get back with him, she will make life much more difficult when she discovers he's going out with you.

    Just tell your parents. They might not be impressed. They might hope their daughter would have gotten into a relationship with someone with less baggage. Or they might say "that's nice". She's a little girl. An innocent. And not someone you should be afraid of mentioning or trying to keep as a secret. You have no control over how your parents will react. And they have no control over your private life (I assume).


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