Girlfriend adding a lot of weight fast

LegacyUser · 27-05-2015 2:53am #1

Relationship has been going great, happy in love but I find myself getting less attracted to her as she is packing on the weight.

I have tried the usual, suggesting she do a boot-camp in the morning with me. (I ended up doing boot-camp by myself at silly AM )
Going for 10k walks on the weekend with her.
Trying to offer to cook healthy options for her like i do for myself.
Coming to the Gym with me. (no way)

If it was a small amount of weight I would not mind. I honestly feel i cant say anything as its the ultimate taboo subject.

She seems to have no worry about it and is still expanding but I'm finding her less attractive the bigger she gets.

strobe · 27-05-2015 8:14am

You've tried softly softly hinty hinty. Didn't work. You don't really have any other option than cone straight out with it. "Mary look, you've been putting in a lot of weight recently, what's going on? It's bad for your health, and tbh, I'm finding you less and less attractive".

Just have to rip off the plaster kind of thing. Once it's said it's said.

RossieMan · 27-05-2015 8:17am

Perhaps drop more obvious hints. Like ",we need to eat better". Don't just come out and say it.

whiskeyman · 27-05-2015 8:18am

Is there any reason she's putting on the weight?
Is she going through a rough time?
Was she more active up to a point previously?

Do you live with her?
Good to see your cooking well, but who does the shopping? You really need to stop any crap coming into the house in the first place.

Has she maid any reference to it herself?
I know my OH gets a 'scare' sometimes when her favourite jeans won't fit, so she usually cuts back on the crap and tries to get back on track

whiskeyman · 27-05-2015 8:19am

strobe wrote: »

You've tried softly softly hinty hinty. Didn't work. You don't really have any other option than cone straight out with it. "Mary look, you've been putting in a lot of weight recently, what's going on? It's bad for your health, and tbh, I'm finding you less and less attractive".

Just have to rip off the plaster kind of thing. Once it's said it's said.

Has any man actually said that and lived to tell the tale?

Seriously though, I'm not sure that's the best way, unless *all* other avenues are exhausted.

pookie82 · 27-05-2015 9:23am

whiskeyman wrote: »

Has any man actually said that and lived to tell the tale?

Seriously though, I'm not sure that's the best way, unless *all* other avenues are exhausted.

It sounds like they have been? Boot camp, long walks, cooking healthy, shared gym sessions ... all have either been turned down or aren't working.

At this stage I'd imagine she must have cottoned on to the hint you're trying to drop with all these suggestions?

You say she seems to have no obvious concerns about getting bigger. Maybe she likes being bigger for some reason. Maybe you met her at a time when she was slimmer than she'd prefer to be. Maybe she's recently gone on the pill and it's changing her weight/appetite? Maybe she's one of those people who relaxes a little too much and "lets herself go" once she's with someone?

Either way you need to talk it out. You need to gauge if she's happy at her current weight, or if she intends to get even bigger because she likes being that size. If she is, then you'll have to explain that for you it's a turn off and you can't see yourself getting past it.

She might tell you to sling your hook and she has every right to.
You might also feel you have no choice but to walk and you also have every right to.

It needs to be said head-on at this stage.

SterlingArcher · 27-05-2015 9:34am

What you do is get a boom box, put your bandana and wrist bands on. Blast out lady lumps by the black Eyed Peas and sing along.

Only change the lyrics to, what you gonna do with all that junk all that junk inside that trunk, you gonna get get get your ass dumped...

But on a serious note. There is no way of doing this without hurting the girls feelings, how about instead of your gruelling workout schedule for her. Do fun stuff a day out in town walk around Stephens green? Go the beach long walk talk.Have fun. She might enjoy that and get fit too.

power pants · 27-05-2015 9:44am

exercise is definitely a good thing but in order for your partner to lose weight and remain in shape, a proper healthy diet is required.

Exercise will only get you so far but if the diet is all wrong, you are wasting your time.

pookie82 · 27-05-2015 9:47am

SterlingArcher wrote: »

There is no way of doing this without hurting the girls feelings, how about instead of your gruelling workout schedule for her. Do fun stuff a day out in town walk around Stephens green? Go the beach long walk talk.Have fun. She might enjoy that and get fit too.

A walk here or there, however long it might be, will not shed lbs. It would have to be a sustained effort (and probably a run, while they're at it) to make any impact on her weight, and it would have to be 3 times a week at least.

A stroll around Stephen's Green will not have any impact. What if she stops off for a few ice creams and burgers on the way?

She needs to make a concerted effort to change both diet and exercise IF she wants to lose it, so he should probably check first that she does before suggesting the odd stroll.

Gwynplaine · 27-05-2015 10:30am

It's 80% diet, 20% exercise. I was swimming 100 - 120 lengths every night, and still eating the same. Never lost an ounce. Since Christmas I've cut out crisps, white bread and take aways (maybe 1 every fortnight for a treat). Lots of walking in the evenings, and a few swims at weekends. Lost 10lbs since Christmas.
If they're not there they can't be eaten. That's my rule.
Cut out the crap, and don't eat after 7pm.

strobe · 27-05-2015 10:47am

Look, at the end of the day, if you stopped showering, how long would it take her to say something to you about it, even if it was going to hurt your feelings? A week? Less?

The longer you leave it and the bigger and more unfit she gets, the harder it is going to be for her to shift the weight. If you said something in the beginning, she'd probably only have had to stop having that daily muffin she'd got into the habit of buying on the way into work. If you say something now, it's probably going to be a few months of diet and exercise before she gets back to her previous sexy self. If you put it off for another few months, it'll be harder still.

Of course it's going to be a difficult conversation, but it's got to be done. It sounds like you've exhausted the alternatives. So it's time to have an honest conversation with the woman you love, for the good of her and the good of the relationship.

Gongoozler · 27-05-2015 10:48am

OP it's not your place to trick her into exercise or eating differently. It is fine to bring it up as an issue. tell her the truth in as nice a way as possible. But stop all the other stuff.

You haven't said how much she put on though which I think would have some relevance here. Also you haven't said if there's any possible reasons for it. Not that it would make a difference, you're attracted to what you're attracted to. But if it was my boyfriend, I would certainly like to know that he may make allowances for external factors, such as a bereavement or other life event.

I think if you're going to speak to her you should ask if there's a reason, and help her tackle that. Rather than just going in saying you're fat now and I don't like you.

rcarroll · 27-05-2015 11:05am

kind of depends on the situation. I was 7.5/8 stone when I met my partner, I got injured and put on almost a stone as I couldn't train. I was still a healthy weight, but my partner didn't like it, thought I'd gotten lazy. I felt crap about myself when he said it, by suggesting he help me train...all the while he was cooking massive dinners and expecting me to cook the same for him on my days. I felt bad about myself and went on a fad diet to shed it. I shed him a few months later, and have realised that he was an ass for not taking circumstances into account...

So my advice is - look at what's happening in her life - does she have a reason; injury, depression, stress? If not, and it's just down to pure laziness and letting herself go, then say something to her. If not, bite your tongue and help by not having 'junk food' days in front of the tv, cutting back on meals out/takeaways and changing your diet - women don't need the same amount of food, so keep that in mind and don't be cooking massive portions for her too. I find once living with a boyfriend, I eat what he eats, which results in weight gain.

Oh and by the way, I train hard at least 4 days a week, cardio and weights - it helps tone but to lose weight it's all down to diet!!

Good luck

irishdude11 · 27-05-2015 11:09am

Some women have the attitude that they are free to eat what they like and do zero exercise once they are 'secure' in a relationship. I personally would not enter into a relationship again with someone like that. I was in your shoes once OP and I was losing all attraction for her. Even after I said it was an issue and suggested exercise, etc. like yourself, it made no difference, she was just that way inclined. I eventually ended the relationship and that was one of the main reasons, I'm not going to spend my life with someone I'm not attracted to. I've experienced it twice actually, although the other time wasn't as severe.

It usually boils down to simply not being bothered to look after diet/exercise because they already have a boyfriend and it is a lot easier to be lazy than to make an effort. I would never enter a serious relationship again with someone who doesn't look after themselves diet/exercise wise. Some people might, I wouldn't. You need to decide how much of an issue this is for you because the weight is here to stay.

Lux23 · 27-05-2015 11:57am

To be honest as someone who has experienced this on both sides of the debate, I don't think there is anything you can or say that will force another person into action.

I was out of work for a good while and I piled on the weight, my boyfriend tried the softly/softly approach and I didn't take him seriously. Then he got serious and said if changes aren't made, he would break up with me. I did take him seriously and ate better for a couple of weeks, but then I was back on the chocolate bars because my work situation was depressing me terribly.

Now, I am back at work, working out three/four times a week and eating slightly better (work in progress), but I was only really able to make this change in my life when I felt like I was worth the effort.

I don't know your situation or your girlfriends, but maybe you need to base your decision with staying with her based on how you feel about her (including attraction). She isn't responsible for your happiness.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2015 12:14pm

Hi OP,

Thought I'd attempt to shed some light on this from a girlfriend's perspective (albeit possibly a very different one).

I've always struggled with my weight but I managed to get it under control over the last couple of years while I was single. I've been with my boyfriend about 9 months now and I've put on 8/9 lbs in that time, something I'm not happy about at all!

Basically it's because everything we do together revolves around food! Dinners, lunches, weekends away, movie nights, even going for a walk generally ends with cappuccinos or ice cream! Until now when I've cooked for him I've been focusing on impressing him with tasty meals rather than healthy ones so I'm not eating what I would usually eat. When he cooks he gives me way too much food. I'm not great for exercise anyway but I used to walk for an hour every evening, but I'm not doing that as much now as many of my evenings are spent eating with him! I never used to have junk food in the house, now there's a constant stash in the press! He has put on some weight too because although this is how he normally eats anyway, he usually trains a lot but he can't at the moment because of an injury.

So really the two of us have developed bad habits together that we need to break. I had made the decision myself that I was going on a diet after the bank holiday, but then he mentioned a couple of times that we need to stop eating so much because he's putting on weight, so the two of us have agreed to ditch the junk food and be healthier together from next week.

To be honest if he said to me you're putting on weight and I'm finding you less attractive I would be devastated and embarrassed and I don't think I'd ever be able to forget he'd said that to me no matter how much I needed to hear it. He tells me all the time that I'm gorgeous and I probably need that reassurance because for me, negative thoughts lead to negative actions, i.e. comfort eating.

It's very easy for someone who has never struggled with their weight to say ah she just needs to eat less and get off her backside. It's not that simple for everyone, overeating can be as much of a psychological problem as anorexia, and can be a form of self-harm. I highly doubt your girlfriends isn't bothered about her weight, I bet if you asked my boyfriend or most of my friends they'd say I'm completely secure with myself, but I'm actually embarrassed that I have these issues with food that I can't always control so I never talk about my weight because I don't want to draw attention to it.

So if you're going to say something to her, try to approach it from a place of love and wanting to help, rather than frustration and blame because chances are she has plenty of that going on in her head already and she's hoping she's hiding it well enough.

The Princess Bride · 27-05-2015 12:23pm

ABC1231 wrote: »

She seems to have no worry about it and is still expanding....

This is what makes it awkward.
She doesn't realise it is an issue.She doesn't realise that it was the original "her" you were attracted to, not the current version with extra padding.

To be blunt, I doubt there's much else you can do, without actually being blunt yourself.
And that might hurt her feelings longterm.

It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to take that chance with saying it to her face, instead of dropping hints.

dudara · 27-05-2015 12:49pm

Off-topic posts deleted. Stay on topic please

dudara

tinz18 · 27-05-2015 12:59pm

giggle84 wrote: »

It's very easy for someone who has never struggled with their weight to say ah she just needs to eat less and get off her backside. It's not that simple for everyone, overeating can be as much of a psychological problem as anorexia, and can be a form of self-harm.

I highly doubt your girlfriend isn't bothered about her weight.

If you're going to say something to her, try to approach it from a place of love and wanting to help, rather than frustration and blame because chances are she has plenty of that going on in her head already and she's hoping she's hiding it well enough.

Completely agree with the above, I can limit my intake to the bare minimum and exercise daily but as I'm from a bigger family and have a slow metabolism losing weight is a major challenge for me. It takes intense concentration and motivation and generally it takes over my life to some degree. I can rarely eat out and drinking is a major no-no so as a result my social life takes backseat which can be an issue if I'm dating someone who socializes a lot.

However, I would warn the OP that there could be an outside factor that's causing the weight gain. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight (from 11 stone to 14 in four months) recently and put it down to stress, drinking more than usual and post-christmas pounds. I attributed my (extreme) tiredness and muscle aches down to having the extra weight to lug around.

Turns out I have hypothyroidism and since I've been treated the weight-gain has stopped (dieting currently but think I'll have to get it under control before I lose what I gained) and my energy levels are restored to near normal- it makes intense exercise easier. Even walking home from college (approx 40 mins) was enough to put me in tears, its hard to describe the shear lack of energy I experienced. If my boyfriend had pushed me to go for long walks/boot camps at the time I wouldn't have gone because I just couldn't push my body to do something it was incapable of doing. And as all the symptoms were so gradual and got so severe, I didn't notice the weight-gain as much as I would normally and if I did there was nothing I could do to halt it.

However, if my boyfriend hadn't been so supportive and pointing out that it wasn't, I think I would have dismissed it as me being lazy. He knows the weight gain really bothers me and reassures me he loves me as is but he has gone out of his way to make me feel sexy and is even dieting with me (a major sacrifice for a skinny guy who eats like there's no tomorrow) so that I don't feel so alone.

I understand your frustration if girlfriend is gaining just out of laziness which isn't that healthy and do talk to her but try to be aware of her feelings and don't tear down her esteem- it will create bigger problems in times to come. It could just be that your ideals aren't compatible.

kylith · 27-05-2015 2:59pm

giggle84 wrote: »

If you're going to say something to her, try to approach it from a place of love and wanting to help, rather than frustration and blame because chances are she has plenty of that going on in her head already and she's hoping she's hiding it well enough.

Agreed. "You've gotten fat and I don't find you attractive" is unlikely to help and will only make her feel worse. "I've noticed you've put on a bit of weight, is everything ok?" is a much better way to go about it.

Rekop dog · 27-05-2015 3:09pm

The amount of people that blame things like slow metabolism for weight gain is ridiculous, reality is in most cases that they either lack the discipline or knowledge about how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. A lot of misinformation and bad popular fad diets don't help I guess.

OP you should cut this fat out of your life, aside from her diminishing looks it sounds like you're not that well matched as you enjoy being active by the sounds of things and she seems content being lazy.

whiskeyman · 27-05-2015 3:21pm

kylith wrote: »

"I've noticed you've put on a bit of weight, is everything ok?" is a much better way to go about it.

As others have mentioned, I think that's still too much though.
Perhaps commenting on her less active lifestyle for someone so young and poor eating habits alone is the best focus.
You need to target your concern for her health here.

AnotherFatGirlfriend wrote:

To be honest if he said to me you're putting on weight and I'm finding you less attractive I would be devastated and embarrassed and I don't think I'd ever be able to forget he'd said that to me no matter how much I needed to hear it. He tells me all the time that I'm gorgeous and I probably need that reassurance because for me, negative thoughts lead to negative actions, i.e. comfort eating.

I'd seriously listen to this advice.

skallywag · 27-05-2015 3:32pm

You have my full sympathy OP, my own situation sounds very similar.

My own OH has also put on a lot of weight consistently over the last years, and I have no qualms in coming out and saying that I am embarrassed of it. We've spoken about it regularly and she herself makes no qualms about the fact that she is just eating too much of the wrong type of food and has no real motivation at all to make a change. I've tried all sorts to try to persuade her otherwise, but I think it's going to take a serious health scare or something along those lines for her to really take it seriously.

pookie82 · 27-05-2015 3:53pm

whiskeyman wrote: »

As others have mentioned, I think that's still too much though.
Perhaps commenting on her less active lifestyle for someone so young and poor eating habits alone is the best focus.
You need to target your concern for her health here.

I'd seriously listen to this advice.

So basically if your OH puts on loads of weight over a short/sudden period of time you can't say anything, no matter how much it turns you off? Instead you should tell them they're absolutely gorgeous and you love them as they are and hopefully they'll just lose it themselves?

The time for hints and gentle suggestions has passed. OP has listed in his first post all he has done to date, none of which have had any effect whatsoever.

Look, I was the OP's gf. I used to be quite a few stone heavier than I am now. What motivated me to lose it was my ex. He harped on and on at me that I was not a healthy weight (I had been a good deal thinner when I'd met him first), it led to tears and fights and all sorts, and then suddenly, eventually, I saw the light and over the next while I shed 3 stone.

Ironically we're no longer together, for reasons nothing to do with this. But I've kept it off and I'll be forever grateful to him for giving me the well needed shove, as hard as it was to hear, to do it.

Stop pussyfooting and be straight.

Chemical Byrne · 27-05-2015 4:14pm

OP you need to give us more information, in particular what is her diet like and has her weight gain been a result of a deterioration in diet. I was going to mention exercise but the reality of it is that exercise plays a very secondary role to weight loss - healthy and appropriate diet is King.
Is she stressed out or depressed about something? Does she comfort eat? Is she in bad habits?

Perhaps float the idea of having her visit a GP for a well woman check or something. They usually will check her thyroid function too. My gf tells me she had a thyroid flare up a few years back and put on a lot of weight but since having treatment and an apparent remission subsequently, she returned to a normal weight.

***I would definitely ask her to go to a GP for a health check though, especially if she is considering a diet. If she has a thyroid issue, which more often than not is the autoimmune condition called Hasimoto's disease, ill planned dieting can place an extra stress on the system which will result in a worsening of the hypothyroidism. Think healthy nutrition rather than fad dieting. Also it would be worthwhile for her to meet a competent experienced dietitian to put together a plan for her.

meeeeh · 27-05-2015 4:26pm

While I like straight talking there are a few things to keep in mind. Vast majority of people pile back the weight they lost so chances she will get and stay smaller are fairly slim. Secondly people gain weight with age, wrinkles and so on, so if you are at crisis stage now it doesn't bode well for future. So if her physical attraction depends solely on her size then then you are probably in trouble anyway. I think you can mention weight gain, it is probably better to say it is for health reasons or that her clothes don't fit her that well and not saying that she getting too fat to date.

I would say a lot of people do get a bit more comfortable in a relationship but I think majority of us also hope that with time there is a bit more than just looks that holds our relationship together. I think it really depends on the weight gain, lifestyle she is living and so on. But consider it a success if you manage to stall weight gain, weight loss would be a bonus.

Chemical Byrne · 27-05-2015 4:32pm

There's also the question of is she happy in the relationship and might that be contributing to her wieght gain?
Certainly in my case it was a factor. When I was with my ex I was far from happy, did no exercise and had a terrible diet and was noticeably out of shape. I broke up with her and started to feel, eat and exercise better. Now with my current gf I am eating and exercising better that I ever have.

My strategy is simple. When I'm out shopping I refrain from buying rubbish. I simply do not buy crisps, biscuits or any processed junk. Most meals I make from scratch.
My only difficulty is I am not great at judging portion sizes and often make too much.

At the end of the day, as we all know, weight control is down to calories in vs calories out. To get your calories in right you eat healthily , to make sure your calories out is right you have your GP check that you've no metabolic issues and supplement with a healthy and sustainable amount of exercise. Mad boot camp type stuff is not sustainable and therefore useless.

Ruby31 · 27-05-2015 5:42pm

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

There's also the question of is she happy in the relationship and might that be contributing to her wieght gain?
Certainly in my case it was a factor. When I was with my ex I was far from happy, did no exercise and had a terrible diet and was noticeably out of shape. I broke up with her and started to feel, eat and exercise better. Now with my current gf I am eating and exercising better that I ever have.

My strategy is simple. When I'm out shopping I refrain from buying rubbish. I simply do not buy crisps, biscuits or any processed junk. Most meals I make from scratch.
My only difficulty is I am not great at judging portion sizes and often make too much.

At the end of the day, as we all know, weight control is down to calories in vs calories out. To get your calories in right you eat healthily , to make sure your calories out is right you have your GP check that you've no metabolic issues and supplement with a healthy and sustainable amount of exercise. Mad boot camp type stuff is not sustainable and therefore useless.

I agree with everything here. I just wanted to suggest an electric weighing scales for keeping control of portion size. It's the only thing that worked for me. I was eating approx. 3 portions of cereal (normal serving should be 30-40g) and foods like rice and pasta are easily overeaten (a portion is 50-75g dry pasta).

strobe · 27-05-2015 5:44pm

strobe wrote: »

You've tried softly softly hinty hinty. Didn't work. You don't really have any other option than cone straight out with it. "Mary look, you've been putting in a lot of weight recently, what's going on? It's bad for your health, and tbh, I'm finding you less and less attractive".

Just have to rip off the plaster kind of thing. Once it's said it's said.

kylith wrote: »

Agreed. "You've gotten fat and I don't find you attractive" is unlikely to help and will only make her feel worse. "I've noticed you've put on a bit of weight, is everything ok?" is a much better way to go about it.

On reflection I'd agree with Kylith et al. Probably best initially to open discussion just with that she's putting on weight and is everything ok/ is there a reason behind it etc. And see how that plays out.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2015 5:46pm

Op you haven't really given us any information on what her diet is like or what she does in her spare time? One can do all the 10ks /bootcamps in the world but if they are snacking all the time on unhealthy food the weight will never shift.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2015 5:57pm

Can I just say (as a girl who spent time in residential care for bulimia)

Just say it, skirting around issues is not healthy and creates tension that either one or both parties can't fully understand driving other difficult emotions to the surface.

As a previous poster said, I imagine your gf is fully aware of the weight thing and perhaps....all she needs is a firm talking to from you.

"I love you, no, I adore you, we are in a secure realtionship and there is no way I would ever end our relationship based on aesthetics...but I think watching your health decline is hard for me and it's kind of unattractive to me that you have gained weight, and I mean this in a supportive way. I would never let it make or break our relationship"

It might be the kick up the arse she needs, we all stand in our own way from time to time

maryfred · 27-05-2015 7:19pm

Honestly,the first thing that came into my head when I read the OP was is there any chance she could be pregnant.

Minera · 27-05-2015 8:05pm

You say she doesn't realise she expanding, trust me she does probably is too embarrassed to see it for what it is! Good luck with your issue because it is yours would you like if your gf suddenly decided she wanted to change you?

strobe · 27-05-2015 8:32pm

Minera wrote: »

You say she doesn't realise she expanding, trust me she does probably is too embarrassed to see it for what it is! Good luck with your issue because it is yours would you like if your gf suddenly decided she wanted to change you?

Ah now, he doesn't want to suddenly change her, he wants her not to suddenly change.

Redser87 · 27-05-2015 8:38pm

maryfred wrote: »

Honestly,the first thing that came into my head when I read the OP was is there any chance she could be pregnant.

Didn't want to be the first to say it but that's what I thought too.

Emsloe · 28-05-2015 9:04am

She won't be unaware she's gained weight OP, and just because she isn't crying into your shoulder about it it doesn't mean she's totally fine with it. I mean she may be fine with it, or she may feel you'd judge her if she confided in you. Or perhaps worries that like a lot of the responses here you'd just tell her to stop eating pies and walk more.

If it's damaging your relationship which it seems to be then you do need to talk to her. We're sold this idea that love conquers all and it shouldn't matter what someone looks like but in reality it does matter and that's ok.

I gained a lot of weight when I stopped working out and eating properly - I was going through a horrendous time in my life and gave up on that side of things. I knew I was getting bigger and my boyfriend knew too, but I never once confided in him about it. He never said anything about it either but it was so obvious he was finding me less and less attractive and though the rational side of me understands that, my emotional side thinks 'how cruel'.

Don't go in with any ultimatums or pull out a colour coded workout planner you've made for her - ask her what's going on because you're concerned about her and her health.

identer · 28-05-2015 10:37am

I believe it all boils down to what is going on with her at the moment. Atleast from what i read in the beginning she was not like that right from time. So probably shes depressed or something. Another reason could be that she was always like that before she meet you. And she only stopped adding weight when she was "searching". Now she feels secure in your love for her. So she back to her old self.
But still you need to have a serious talk about the issue. Also do not expect her to do the early money run for a start. The healthy food and some indoor exercise is kinda like the key in this case.
Good luck

blatantrereg · 28-05-2015 11:33am

whiskeyman wrote: »

Has any man actually said that and lived to tell the tale?

Yes some people have relationships based on straightforward communication.

Obesity has a severe impact on health. It's equivalent to smoking. There is not strong evidence that being overweight but not obese has a significant health impact.

FizzleSticks · 28-05-2015 12:54pm

This post has been deleted.

Potatoeman · 28-05-2015 2:00pm

Sure talk to her about it and see if there is a reason but a reason is not an excuse. It sounds like you put effort in maintaining your health and physique so its not exactly fair on you.

Trying to not hurt her feelings might not be whats best for her. If she keeps gaining weight and you eventually dump her, she wont be in a great position to find someone else.

What age is she? Some people are skinny and don't workout until they hit a certain ago when they suddenly gain lots of weight even though they eat the same meals.

Dark Phoenix · 28-05-2015 3:29pm

Talk to her honestly about it. if its been going on for some time and is gradually increasing then it is not likely to reverse by itself. yes some people will give you stick for saying it but we are not obligated to still be attracted to a partner when they drastically change appearance/ physical form.

It could be a number of things from pregnancy to stress or it could be simply a case of her being one of these people who get comfortable in a relationship and think its an excuse to let go but unless you talk to her you will not know.

gsi300024v · 28-05-2015 6:02pm

How long are you together? How much weight are we talking, what size person is your gf? Is it hard for you to eat well if she isn't so bothered?

jackofalltrades · 28-05-2015 7:33pm

meeeeh wrote: »

I would say a lot of people do get a bit more comfortable in a relationship but I think majority of us also hope that with time there is a bit more than just looks that holds our relationship together.

Physical attraction is based on looks, there's no way around this.
A reduction in physical attraction can lead to difficulties or a complete stop in sexual activities.
Also if your a man you need a strong physical attraction so that you can perform sexually.
Trouble in this area can have a huge negative impact on your self-esteem.

OP as other's have said you need to sit down and have a talk about this.
Be direct with your approach, IMHO trying to change someone by suggesting going to the gym/eating better is a lot worse.
Klyith's suggestion on how to start the conversation is spot on.
See what she says in reply and take it from there, but make sure she understands the affect this is having on you.

Katgurl · 29-05-2015 9:33am

I'm a girl. I think you should be direct. I'm surprised she hasn't brought it up herself. It's going to sting but you are free to leave if you no longer find yourself attracted to your partner and imo it's fairer to explain (warn) before it gets to that stage.

Tell her you're not trying to be hurtful but you're concerned about her weight gain. Ask her has she noticed herself. Suggest helping her to lose it. If she asks you if you no longer fancy her then tell her the truth, that any more weight gain and it could cause a problem. Please don't patronize her by saying you fancy her just as much but are purely concerned with her health.

I know if I ever had a partner who rapidly gained weight and let himself go with no concern whatsoever on how this would change my opinion of him he would have been p45'd after a period of time and effort passed.

Neyite · 29-05-2015 10:47am

Did she go on the contraceptive pill when you started to get serious?

Certain pills can cause considerable weight gain. We sometimes mistakenly think that a tiny pill is harmless, but it can have a wide range of side effects which, while harmless, have noticeable changes to our bodies.

Chemical Byrne · 29-05-2015 11:15am

Do you two have sex? Perhaps you could try witholding sex from her until she realises it is a problem and makes an effort to change.

rcarroll · 29-05-2015 11:37am

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do you two have sex? Perhaps you could try witholding sex from her until she realises it is a problem and makes an effort to change.

Terrible idea on a few levels, firstly, she mightn't actually connect the two and might not realise why you're with-holding sex.

Secondly, she'll take it as a rejection, which could cause her to feel the relationship is coming to an end, prompting a break up.

Thirdly, this is a horrible, cruel thing to do to someone, which will cause her a lot of self-esteem issues in the future. If you are seriously considering this avenue, do the right thing and just break up without torturing her first.

OP if you've come on here looking for advice on how to broach the topic, I'd say you want to keep the relationship..in which case, you need to first think how much weight has she put on, is it a normal 'getting older' spread, do you have unrealistic expectations for her to stay exactly the same weight as she gets older, is she putting on weight for external reasons (medicine, stress etc).

If she honestly has started piling on the pounds because she's comfortable in the relationship, it's been more than a few lbs and is down to laziness/bad eating habits, then yes, say it, it's completely understandable to be turned off by massive weight gain (more than 1 stone in a few months)...it shows a lack of self-control, self-respect and respect for your partner, a lack of desire for your partner and that you just couldn't be bothered how they see you/desire you anymore. Good luck!

meeeeh · 29-05-2015 11:57am

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do you two have sex? Perhaps you could try witholding sex from her until she realises it is a problem and makes an effort to change.

Oh FFS. Maybe send her into naughty corner whenever she has a chocolate too?

A lot of people have issues with weight. There is no denying that modern lifestyle is the biggest contributor. Excessive weight gain can sometimes be contributed to other reasons. Whatever it is it won't be solved with patronising behaviour or by patting her on the head when she is good or punishing her when she is bad.

I still think OP has to evaluate weather he still wants to stay with her. Yes there is something to be said for physical attraction but for most people that comes in the package with personality, intelligence, ambition, even money and various other reasons. Not all of us are stunners but we still manage to hold down loving relationships. As someone whose partner has constant battle with weight I am not suggesting OP ignores the issue. But tactful and up to the point conversation is the best way for me. More listing facts about quick gain, clothes not fitting or health risks than mentioning the attraction. Because who would want to be in a relationship where you have to weigh yourself in the morning first to see if you are still desirable for your partner.

Typer Monkey · 29-05-2015 1:14pm

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do you two have sex? Perhaps you could try witholding sex from her until she realises it is a problem and makes an effort to change.

God don't do this! It's passive aggressive in the extreme, not to mention really mean. As with most relationship problems I'd advise an honest conversation about the issue. You can't be expected to just put up with it or drop endless hints just in case her feelings get hurt. You can't force yourself to be attracted to her. Isn't it better for you to raise the issue and see if it can be resolved rather than you end up breaking up with her? Give her the chance to save your relationship by being honest with her.

The above post I quoted is a really unhealthy approach to a problem in my opinion

mg1982 · 29-05-2015 1:41pm

Just tell her if she keeps going the way shes going she will be dead by the time shes 40, or else have diabetes or heart disease. When it comes down to it, its her own health she is destroying.

Taboola · 29-05-2015 1:48pm

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do you two have sex? Perhaps you could try witholding sex from her until she realises it is a problem and makes an effort to change.

Wow.

Your attitude to sex stinks.

OP: You've tried softly softly. You're going to have to just rip the band out off at this stage and just tell her that something needs to be done.

Girlfriend adding a lot of weight fast

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