Slept with a good friend

LegacyUser · 02-06-2014 12:36pm #1

Need some advice here, please!

The other night I had a few people over and ended up getting really really drunk (a whole separate issue which I know I need to address). Anyway, a good friend of mine came over too -we've been friends for about 8 years or so, and I've never had any feelings for him or anything (I'm not sure about the other way around).
When everyone else went home we were talking about deep stuff, I was a small bit upset about a guy I really liked who hurt me not long ago, and he is just out of a relationship. I guess the feelings of lonliness just resulted in us sleeping together.

In the morning he said if i wanted to talk about it he is willing to do that, but I need some time to get my head around this. I said that we would carry on as usual and try not to be awkward and not let it get between us.

The only thing is, how can I act normal around him now? Is our friendship ever going to be back to normal? I've never ever got involved with a friend before because I never would have wanted an awkward situation to arise, and now I don't know what to do. Should we talk it out, or just pretend nothing happened. I don't know what to do.

CaraMay · 02-06-2014 3:10pm

Do you want it to happen again? You need to know that before you talk to him. If not, just let it pass and get on with your friendship as always. This doesn't need to turn into a drama. Decide what you want and act then.

Overheal · 02-06-2014 3:29pm

You definitely can't just ignore it.

Azwaldo55 · 02-06-2014 4:32pm

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

michael999999 · 02-06-2014 4:33pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He has pro hanky pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life.

What the f**k?

eyescreamcone · 02-06-2014 4:35pm

Maybe friends with benefits is where you are at!

LegacyUser · 02-06-2014 4:39pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

Wow. How did you get to this??

I don't think he would pretend to be friends with me for the last 8 years just to get in my pants. He is a good friend of mine.

He text me earlier to ask was I okay and that hopefully everything is all right between us. I said it was and that I would love for us to be normal around each other and to just move on. He agreed with me.

To answer CaraMay, no, i don't want for it to happen again. I also don't want to eb friends with benefits.

Tasden · 02-06-2014 4:41pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

Jumping to conclusions there.

OP, as long as ye discuss it and decide what ye want there's no reason at all for it to change anything.

One of my closest friends is a guy who I had a brief... thing... with and its purely platonic now, it was a bit of fun and now its over and we're back to just friends. If ye can both be mature about it you'll be grand

Soft Falling Rain · 02-06-2014 4:55pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

All this in spite of the op mentioning that her friend had only come out of a relationship, and were probably just seeking mutual comfort from each other in a moment of weakness (albeit drunken).

But sure he was planning it for years as you alluded to.

Azwaldo55 · 02-06-2014 5:02pm

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

All this in spite of the op mentioning that her friend had only come out of a relationship, and were probably just seeking mutual comfort from each other.

But sure he was planning it for years as you alluded to.

The OP was drunk and emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage waiting until everyone else had gone home so he definitely planned this, broke the trust of friendship and now has her basically blaming herself.
Creepy guys like this hang out of women and wait for their opportunity to take advantage.
No wonder she is feeling awkward. The guy is a sleaze.
Avoid him like the plague.

dellas1979 · 02-06-2014 5:21pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

The OP was drunk and emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage waiting until everyone else had gone home so he definitely planned this, broke the trust of friendship and now has her basically blaming herself.
Creepy guys like this hang out of women and wait for their opportunity to take advantage.
No wonder she is feeling awkward. The guy is a sleaze.
Avoid him like the plague.

This is waayy OTT.
Youve no idea what happened/his version. There had to be signals there from her too.
All we know is that she consented to sex with a guy she is friends with.
Last time I checked, it took 2 to tango. She is equally responsible.

I agree with the other posts. You need to establish do you romantically like this guy or do you want to go back to being friends? You need to talk to him.

Soft Falling Rain · 02-06-2014 5:57pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

The OP was drunk and emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage waiting until everyone else had gone home so he definitely planned this, broke the trust of friendship and now has her basically blaming herself.
Creepy guys like this hang out of women and wait for their opportunity to take advantage.
No wonder she is feeling awkward. The guy is a sleaze.
Avoid him like the plague.

He was also drunk and in an emotionally vulnerable place.

You say he took advantage when everyone left and maybe he did, but maybe they just got a bit too personal like two good friends do in each other's company and it manifested in the wrong way.

You don't know this guy yet you're categorically condemning him, is it possible that you're projecting your own experiences onto this situation?

OP, the only thing I can say is don't avoid what happened. This is something that has to be discussed otherwise unresolved questions or issues will bubble until the whole thing blows up in the worst possible way. What happened happened, and if you're as close as you suggest, you can work through this as long as you are honest with each other.

Neyite · 02-06-2014 6:52pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

At no point does the OP suggest or imply that she did not consent to what happened between them. Therefore suggestions that it was sexual assault or rape are over the top and unfounded.

The issue here that the OP wants advice on is how to return to platonic friends after mutually consensual sex.

Stick to advising on that please.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2014 7:21pm

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

OP, the only thing I can say is don't avoid what happened. This is something that has to be discussed otherwise unresolved questions or issues will bubble until the whole thing blows up in the worst possible way.

I don't understand why it has to be discussed! Or how or why it would blow up "in the worst possible way". What does that even mean?!!

OP, you had a one night stand with a friend. I'm sure many many people have had an unplanned, unexpected one night stand with a friend. I know I did! I was mortified afterwards. And thought we would never get past the awkwardness. But do you know what happened?..... Nothing! Next time we saw each other we had a cheeky little "I can't believe we did that" grin between us, and that was it.

Neither of us planned it. Drink played a big part in it. And neither of us were interested in a repeat performance.

The awkwardness will pass, as long as both of you want (or don't want!) the same thing.

Soft Falling Rain · 02-06-2014 7:38pm

The OP implied she has a slight issue with alcohol, and given that this situation is clearly bothering her (whereas with you chips it doesn't sound like it bothered you that much bar some awkwardness), it's better for her to nip it now rather running the danger of broaching the subject when she hasn't got her full faculties. That's what I meant about blowing up the situation.

Maphisto · 02-06-2014 8:07pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't understand why it has to be discussed! Or how or why it would blow up "in the worst possible way". What does that even mean?!!

OP, you had a one night stand with a friend. I'm sure many many people have had an unplanned, unexpected one night stand with a friend. I know I did! I was mortified afterwards. And thought we would never get past the awkwardness. But do you know what happened?..... Nothing! Next time we saw each other we had a cheeky little "I can't believe we did that" grin between us, and that was it.

Neither of us planned it. Drink played a big part in it. And neither of us were interested in a repeat performance.

The awkwardness will pass, as long as both of you want (or don't want!) the same thing.

+1 Agree wholeheartedly with Chips. This has happened to loads of people, me included. I don't see any need for any big chat. Big grins when you meet.

All the best OP, you'll get through it fine. A little embarrassing at first but its no biggy.

endacl · 02-06-2014 10:38pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

The OP was drunk and emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage waiting until everyone else had gone home so he definitely planned this, broke the trust of friendship and now has her basically blaming herself.
Creepy guys like this hang out of women and wait for their opportunity to take advantage.
No wonder she is feeling awkward. The guy is a sleaze.
Avoid him like the plague.

You're not going to become correct simply by saying it again.

:rolleyes:

Talk to your friend, op. That's what friends are for.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2014 11:02pm

Soft Falling Rain wrote: »

(whereas with you chips it doesn't sound like it bothered you that much bar some awkwardness)

Oh it bothered me, at the time. It bothered me so much that I didn't tell anyone. Not even my best friend. My husband is the only person I ever told (we weren't married at that time btw... Hadn't even met yet!) I was mortified and ashamed! I was so embarrassed about it.

But, I knew that that's all it was, a bit of embarrassment when we met, and then forget about it and never mention it again. It only needs to be discussed if there is something to discuss.

You have said, OP, that you have told him you just want to act like nothing happened. So that's what you do. And after meeting him in a social setting another few times the embarrassment will fade.

Colonel Panic · 02-06-2014 11:46pm

To echo most people's replies, it's not uncommon. I ended up sleeping with a close friend a while ago and it was a bit weird, but it didn't ruin our friendship. Neither of us especially regret it but it's not going to happen again. We were both lonely and drunk at the time.

Etnies · 02-06-2014 11:50pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

You have serious issues

TimeToShine · 02-06-2014 11:53pm

That comment made me burst out laughing.

therealme · 02-06-2014 11:57pm

Op, I was there once...or twice :-O

It can be a little awkward initially but that goes and ye get on with life.

Don't stress about it, it happened once & you know you don't want anything more. Ye can be friends again.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2014 12:06am

TimetoShine, you may have noticed I deleted your previous post. That is because it added nothing to the thread. No need to repost it.

Can I remind all posters that Personal Issues is, first and foremost, an advice forum. All posts are expected to add something of relevance to the thread and mature, constructive advice is expected.

If anyone has an issue with any post, report it. Commenting on it without offering anything by way of advice to the OP, is considered off-topic. Anyone not familiar with the standard of posting expected in this forum should read the Charter stickied at the top of the forum before posting again.

Azwaldo55, you've already been warned once tonight. Tone down your posting style in line with the expected standard of the Personal Issues Forum or you will find your posting rights to here removed.

Anymore off topic, unhelpful or aggressive posts will result in moderator action.

Ham Sambo · 03-06-2014 12:42am

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

You can't say that, if you read the initial post you will see that both of them were drunk and were in a low place, it's unfair to say that he took advantage.

PhiloCypher · 03-06-2014 11:44am

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

The OP was drunk and emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage waiting until everyone else had gone home so he definitely planned this, broke the trust of friendship and now has her basically blaming herself.
Creepy guys like this hang out of women and wait for their opportunity to take advantage.
No wonder she is feeling awkward. The guy is a sleaze.
Avoid him like the plague.

This reeks of someone projecting their own trust issues onto someone else.

LegacyUser · 03-06-2014 12:24pm

Thank for all the replies guys.

I don't really want to talk it out in detail with him, so I think the idea of acknowledging that it happened in a light hearted way, but that's it, is probably the best way to go with it. I'm sure it will take a while to be comfortable around each other as we were, but I'm sure it will be okay

Sorry Azwaldo55, but that suggestion is ridiculous. He was also extremely drunk, and you could just as easily accuse me of being sleazy and taking advantage by that logic.

RossFixxxed · 03-06-2014 2:25pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

Are you actually trying to incite people on here with your wild conclusions. This is yet another ridiculous post that helps NOBODY except further some adgenda I can't fathom at all. Yet again I have to quote your post and tell the OP to ignore the madness. I've said it before as have others: you are projecting so hard at this point it's in IMAX 3D. Stop.

OP looks like your on the right track, it'll be awkward but there's 2 of you in it and you can definitely overcome it, just be open and honest.

Obviously ignore the post I quoted, it's absolute rubbish.

Overheal · 03-06-2014 3:16pm

Is everything alright Az?

strobe · 03-06-2014 7:58pm

awkwardawkward wrote: »

Thank for all the replies guys.

I don't really want to talk it out in detail with him, so I think the idea of acknowledging that it happened in a light hearted way, but that's it, is probably the best way to go with it. I'm sure it will take a while to be comfortable around each other as we were, but I'm sure it will be okay

Sorry Azwaldo55, but that suggestion is ridiculous. He was also extremely drunk, and you could just as easily accuse me of being sleazy and taking advantage by that logic.

I'm sure a lot of people have been there before Awkwardawkward. I know I have once or twice. These things happen. It's almost always going to be a bit awkward afterwards, but just remember they're probably feeling the same way about it as you are. So as friends your duty to each other is to try to take the piss a little and make each other laugh about it so that you ease the others awkwardness. Look, sex isn't the biggest deal in the world, people do it all the time, you just happened to do it together instead of with other people as par the course this one time. In a couple of weeks it'll all be forgotten about and just one more silly memory you share together like all the other one's you two have built up over the last 8 years.

seamus · 03-06-2014 8:44pm

Lots of people have been there before, and by and large the ones who don't recover are the ones who instead of just embracing the weirdness for a little while, go out of their way to avoid their friend to avoid the weirdness. Sex doesn't have to be a big deal. A night of sex doesn't have to lead onto a relationship and a night of sex which doesn't lead to a relationship isn't slutty or shameful.

You're two friends who sought comfort in eachother. It's like a hug, but a little more intimate. Would it have been better that either/both of you picked up some random stranger in order to comfort you? I don't think so. I think it's more appropriate that you would seek out that comfort in a close friend.

Like you say, it'll be awkward for a little while, but probably for far less than you think. After two days of hanging out together it'll have slipped your minds. The key is not really avoid it; don't let it become the elephant in the room whenever you're together.

One caveat I see from your posts is that he offered to talk, but you were the one who basically said "It's nothing, let's just carry on as normal". I don't see any indication of agreement from his side. For both your sakes, a short "clear the air" talk where you both say straight out that you're not interested in a relationship, would go a long way towards easing the awkwardness. It may be that he does actually have feelings for you, but will accept your wish to just forget about it in the hope that it could happen again. He'll die a little inside every time it doesn't, so you need to be clear with him that this wasn't anything more than what it was.

stickybookmark · 04-06-2014 1:12pm

This is probably way jumping the gun into the future OP, but if this guy is a good friend and is part of a circle of friends that you see lasting for life, then be careful about telling future boyfriends that you slept with this friend of yours.

If you do tell, your boyfriend probably won't be keen on you staying friends with this guy, or won't be comfortable around him so you might not be able to stay buddies with him.
So if it was a harmless bit of meaningless fun, I'd recommend leave the past in the past and keep it under wraps from new bfs

05-06-2014 8:26am

I started out as a FWB with one of my best, closest friends. I honestly even find it hard to remember anything that did happen between us, and when I'm with him, I never even think of it. He's just my best mate, best fun, and I love him to bits. It's perfectly possible to move on from such things.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2014 7:24pm

Thanks again everyone.

seamus - Yes, I realise that maybe it was unfair to decide we werent gonna talk about it, but I panicked. I have since decided that next time we meet up, and are alone, I will tell him that if he wants to talk about it, that's okay, and I'll make sure to let him know that it won't be happening again.

stickybookmark - I completely agree. I would never tell a boyfriend something like that, as I value my friendship with this guy a lot.

CaraMay · 06-06-2014 8:11pm

Do not tell him it's ok to talk about it if it's only so you can tell him you don't want anything more?!?!?!?

If he wants to talk to you then fine but don't invite a chat in which you are going to knock him back.

You seem intent on creating drama

BeatlesFan1992 · 06-06-2014 8:12pm

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Your so-called friend comes across as a creepy cowardly sleazeball. I think he took advantage of you when you were emotionally vulnerable and drunk and borderline raped you. He was probably pretending to be your friend for ages but secretly lusted after you all the time. He waited until everyone was gone and then fed you all this "deep" guff that was all for show. If I were you I would cut contact with him. He is obviously only after one thing so you don't need that in your life so cut contact and good riddance.

It takes two to tango...

Soft Falling Rain · 06-06-2014 8:13pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Do not tell him it's ok to talk about it if it's only so you can tell him you don't want more?!?!?!?

If he wants to talk to you then fine but don't invite a chat in which you are going to knock him back.

Aye, I would find that approach quite condescending.

beks101 · 07-06-2014 12:50am

I would definitely advise you to have a mature, adult conversation about this with him. Otherwise it will become the elephant in the room and your close friendship will dissipate entirely.

I was in a similar situation to you not so long ago OP and I still kick myself for how I handled it - or didn't handle it. The guy was a life-long friend from home, almost like family, sexual attraction was never on the radar for either of us but we got drunk, got stupid and ended up in bed together. I was so mortified and upset by the whole thing that I completely shut off to him - where usually in our friendship he'd be the guy I would've turned to in this kind of situation.

I just couldn't face him though and refused to deal with it, and unfortunately it was the end of the friendship we had once known. He's an integral part of my circle of friends at home so I have to see him every so often and the air of 'weirdness' and discomfort has just never passed, despite the fact that we're both in relationships now. That friendship will never be recuperated because we've left it too long to say the things that neither of us wanted to say.

Be an adult and be respectful of your friend and have that conversation. You will regret it otherwise and always kick yourself that you let a wonderful friend go because of some stupid act of madness during a drunken night.

LegacyUser · 08-06-2014 7:23pm

I'm definitely not intent on creating drama??

I was not planning on saying anything, but then someone told me that it wasn't fair to not talk if he wanted to, and I should let him know that it wasn't going to happen again so that he wouldn't think it would.
I didn't plan on having him talk and then saying "well in don't want it to happen again". I have a lot more tact than that.

Some people are saying not to say a thing (which would be my preference - and just things try get back to how they were)
Others are saying to say something, and that he should be able to express how he feels about it.

So if I do bring it up, am I intent on making drama if I tell him I'm sorry I don't want it happen again?

CaraMay · 08-06-2014 9:38pm

Yes

Big Bag of Chips · 08-06-2014 10:52pm

OP, one of the benefits of posting on an internet forum asking for advice is you will get varying advice and different perspectives and experiences. It is then up to you based on everything to make your decision.

Nobody here knows you or your friend or the type of friendship you share. In my case we never spoke of it. Never even mentioned it. And continued on with our friendship. Incidentally, we haven't seen each other in years! But that's down to us both moving in different directions rather than anything to do with our ONS.

For others they felt they needed to talk it out.

You are the only one who can decide what will work best in your own situation. You have said you don't want to talk about it, so why not go with that for now? If you find that after meeting once or twice that it is too awkward, then maybe you will both decide you do actually need to clear the air.

If you want to get your friendship back to what it was then it sounds like you are going to have to make a real effort to be "normal" around him for a while. It will be awkward. It will be embarrassing. But the more awkward you feel/act around him, the more awkward you will make it.

You've said you want to forget about it.. so that's what you have to pretend you are doing whenever you are around him!

LegacyUser · 09-06-2014 12:24am

Well I'm pretty sure I'm not trying to create any drama, hence why I'm asking what the best way to sorting this situation out is. I don't think telling him i don't want it to happen again would create drama, but that's just what i think. Either way, I've decided against it.

I was going to, because i felt guilty not doing it, but feck it, i think it will be easier to just leave it slide i think. If he wants to bring it up he can, and i will tell him then that it was just a once off. If it comes up.

stickybookmark · 10-06-2014 9:46am

It totally depends what kind of fella he is. If he's your standard irish male, then he will not want to talk about it and will be a bit mortified if you bring it up. However if he's the type that likes to discuss his emotions then he might want to bring it up but in that case he will bring it up anyway you don't need to

Slept with a good friend

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