My best friend is driving me crazy.

Polloloca · 12-05-2012 2:01pm #1

Hi all.

I am currently in a situation in that my best and closest friend is driving me up the wall. To say I lack consistant compassion would be right, but I don't want to lose her as a friend.

Basically, the background to this is that she's 19 years old, and absolutely stunning. This seems relevent to the story as she somehow sees her looks as being something that everybody else should value, I guess you could call it pretty girl syndrome. Now, she isn't nasty or mean and not a bitch, but she doesn't seem to realise that there's boundries that sometimes shouldn't be crossed.
There are so many issues, I don't know where to start. I suppose, I will start with the biggest one.

Herself and her boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up last may. He dumped her as he was moving to oz, and he was meeting another girl before he left. She was heartbroken and planned on going out to oz to be with him. Now, bear in mind she was planning on moving there with no money (shes never had a job) and to live with him. He was working in a good job and would pay the bills. In the meantime, she was out around town every weekend, and was sleeping with a lot of different people and he found out about it. They were fighting via facebook and text and stalking each others facebook. She recently found out that he was writing to the girl he was meeting before he went to oz, and she went ballistic, (while shes dating someone else, hush hush)

This is going on the whole year. Exactly 12 months. They're talking, they're not talking, they're getting back together, she's moving to oz, he has to move away for work, she won't go to oz, she hate's him, he obviously doesn't love her if hes texting the other girl when he knows how she feels about her.

I've tried being supportive and I've tried just leaving her at it. "She doesn't know what she wants". Meanwhile, shes stringing her boyfriend along at the moment - the plan was to break up with him when the ex came home on holidays. This boyfriend has started saying the love word, and when I warned her this would happen and it would end in tears she said "they wont be my tears so its okay".

Now the ex is home for the past week and shes upset that he didn't try contact her or see her. When he finally did contact her, it was a blatent attempt to hurt her feelings and i advised that she should ignore him.

She says she doesn't want to see him, yet shes furious that he hasn't made the effort. She says she doesn't want to talk to him, yet she texts him back. Every single message she sends me is to tell me she is depressed, she hates her life, she hates him, he's being mean, ect. Its all she wants to talk about.

When I finally got sick of hearing about him, I said to her "Look, make up your mind. You either want him or you don't" and she got upset with me, saying she didn't know what she wanted and that she needed my help and my support. But, its the same drama each day. Its always the same and I can't do it much longer. I said to her last night what she was doing was ridiculous, that she wasnt the first person to go through a breakup, clearly being "friends" wasn't working, its been a year, time to move on because it was plain stupid what she's doing. Now she isn't speaking to me.

I'm currently trying to lose weight, and have joined ww. I didn't tell her that I had joined but on the first week, when i lost a good bit of weight, I told her because i was so excited. She's totally changed her tune now. She has gone from badgering me to go for a walk, go to zumba, go to boxercise ect to not wanting to do anything. She's cancelled 2 nights exercise with me and told me she won't be coming to zumba anymore because suddenly she "doesn't like it".
She claimed she was sick the other two nights, (wed and thurs) but on friday night, begged me to go to the carnival with her. She has plans to go out saturday night too, and despite knowing I have an exam on monday and am doing weightwatchers and not drinking and am saving for holidays, she keeps asking and asking me, calling me "dry" and "boring" and "never wanting to do anything". I thought that she would be happy for me but it seems to be the complete opposite.

Any night we do go out, and if guys talk to me, she comes over and flirts with them. Blatently flirts with them, its quite funny. Its never really bothered me because there's never been a guy that she flirted with that I really liked, but I would be worried that she would do it to someone that I did really like. She'll flirt for the free drink, get the drink and walk away from the guy. On more than one occasion I've had the guy that was originally talking to me come back over to me and say "whats your friends problem? i bought her a drink and shes gone now?" or "wheres your friend gone?". She just laughs it off.

I know all this makes her sound like a terrible friend, but she's not. She has great qualities too, and I just think I need to know how to cope with her better. Shes a drama queen, a complete princess but she knows she is. I just find it hard to deal with and I'm not somebody who can dole out sympathy when really, shes bringing it all on herself. I don't want to fall out with her but I don't know what else to do.

_dublinlad_ · 12-05-2012 3:30pm

There is alot going on with her at the moment, and as you say - she loves being the cenre of attention. These two things do not make it easy to be around a person.

Just give her some space, a week or two maybe without contacting her to do stuff, she will more then likely then contact you. If she dosent, then give her a call and talk it out with her, tell her how she is acting from your point of view, if she is still distant and/or argumentitive then you dont really need her in your life right now.

Oryx · 12-05-2012 3:55pm

She is a princess because as of yet, she hasn't been taught a hard enough lesson in what that can cost her. If you don't like her attitude, don't just tell her that, refuse to put up with it. Walk away, don't spend time with her if she is throwing a strop or behaving in a way you do not agree with. Do your own thing, and spend time with other friends who treat you better. The reason she behaves badly is because she can. If you don't want to be a party to that, then don't, and she either continues to be your friend as a nicer person, or you lose her.

Yeah, I'm sure she has redeeming qualities, but god, we all do. It doesn't mean you have to put up with some pretty unreasonable behaviour just because she can be nice, sometimes. Life really is too short to deal with that. And just maybe, you'll do her a favour if she gets a small bit of cop on from realising she can lose friends because of her attitude. Maybe.

Killed By Death · 12-05-2012 4:08pm

But, its the same drama each day. Its always the same and I can't do it much longer

Don't then. It's a choice, not an obligation.

I know all this makes her sound like a terrible friend, but she's not. She has great qualities too, and I just think I need to know how to cope with her better

Ah, unfortunately this is the way with some people. Their bad qualities and self-made drama outweigh their good points. It's such a pity we can't cherry pick the good parts of people and leave the rest but unfortunately people come as a total package.

It's draining watching someone self-sabotage their lives and destroy themselves with self made drama, but unfortunately you can't stop her. It's her decision to live this way. At the moment she is getting more out of the drama and disfunctional attention somehow than she would from behaving in a more emotionally healthy way.

She may not grow out of that for years. But meanwhile she is not being a very supportive friend to you. It's a one way street at the moment, you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. That's the deal that's on offer, it's not a case of you changing your behaviour ('coping with it better' as you said) you can't and shouldn't compensate for her destructive behaviour. It's detrimental to you.

Polloloca · 12-05-2012 4:46pm

Thanks guys, you're right. To the 2nd poster, she has already lost a lot of friends. She claims it's because girls hate her and are jealous of her because she's pretty. Which is true I guess to a certain extent but I don't think it's the only reason.

I suppose I need to back away and concentrate on myself. She has text me just once since she got mad at me, asking me if I was sure I didn't want to come out.

It makes sense that self made drama and negetive attention means more to her than no attention at all. Like a spoiled child, I probably should ignore the self made drama and not feed the troll. Unfortunately it's never her that's wrong, it's always somebody else. And I fear that Will be the end of our friendship.

Green Gelato · 12-05-2012 6:11pm

She sounds like my so-called 'best-friend' from school, who was (with the benefit of hindsight) nothing but a manipulative bully. Luckily, once we'd finished school, I moved away from home and made some friends-for-life in college. These are people who actually have their own lives and interest and don't suck the life out of their friends like parasites, without giving anything back (like it sounds like your friend is doing!). Maybe if she went to Oz it'd be the best thing for both of you. She might learn a thing or two about life, and if your friendship has run its course, a break like that would be the proof of the pudding! Good luck!

woodoo · 12-05-2012 10:34pm

Polloloca wrote: »

Thanks guys, you're right. To the 2nd poster, she has already lost a lot of friends. She claims it's because girls hate her and are jealous of her because she's pretty. Which is true I guess to a certain extent but I don't think it's the only reason..

She doesn't sound like a nice person Polloloca, 1. saying that they won't be her tears is a horrible thing to say about a man who will be upset when things go bad. 2. Not supporting you once you started achieving things with exercise etc, 3. flirting with people that you are talking to. 4. showing very little concern for your future by not caring about your exams.

She sounds very self centred. Hopefully you can slowly edge her out of your life and move on with other nicer more considerate friends.

beks101 · 12-05-2012 11:01pm

She doesn't support you, she tries to sabotage you, she makes you feel bad about yourself and she only wants to talk about her own problems. And you call this girl your best friend?

Polloloca · 13-05-2012 2:30am

Just received a text from her, at almost 2:30. Have you got credit, she says to me. No, I don't have credit, are you ok? And she replies "Im hungry, want you to ring take away".

I've decided to just slowly distance myself from her.

chickenbutt · 13-05-2012 4:27am

Polloloca wrote: »

Just received a text from her, at almost 2:30. Have you got credit, she says to me. No, I don't have credit, are you ok? And she replies "Im hungry, want you to ring take away".

I've decided to just slowly distance myself from her.

Is she serious??? Oh, that makes my blood boil. She is such a user! I agree with everyone else. Get some space between you two! I have a "best friend" very similar to yours and for me I just have to put my foot down and say what she does to me is not cool and I won't put up with it. Sometimes she gets it, sometimes she doesn't. But I don't have to listen to her bs if I don't want to. Good luck with it, I know it can be a tricky situation.

Salty · 13-05-2012 11:31pm

Oh wow OP, I could have written that post myself! I have (had?) a "best friend" who is constantly making drama for herself, bitching about said drama, only ever wants to talk about herself, talks horribly about other people...I could go on! We went to school together, and only started college last September, and since starting college in particular, I've realised how toxic she really is.

Her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her last October, not long after college started. He was exhausted from her drama, clinginess and general selfishness when it came to the relationship. He was nice about it, no big fight, just explained his heart wasn't in it anymore etc and felt it would be better for both of them to go their seperate ways. She reacted by calling him all sorts of awful names, and telling others secrets he had shared with her in confidance, really personal stuff. It was awful.

She used to make comments to me, like "I had a face like yours before I lost weight" etc, and used to make me feel really bad about myself. During RAG week last February, she was nagging me profusely about going out, but I couldn't go because I had an essay and 2 tests that week. While I was explaining this to her, she just turned on her heels and walked away in a huff while I was mid-sentence, saying I was "taking college too seriously":rolleyes: I was under so much pressure at this time, and she just refused to understand for her own selfish reasons.

I can empathise with the whole weight/looks thing too. She hates when I get more attention than her on a night out. If I happen to have a few guys approach me during the course of a night, afterwards she'll say sneaky things like "why didn't I get as much attention" or "why were they all over you" etc. During 6th year, I put on a little weight (I lost it easily after the exams were done) and I told her about it at the time, and straight away it was all "if you lose any weight you'll be way too skinny" etc. This, even though I'm about 5'2" and a size 10. Hardly too skinny for my height, just too skinny for her liking because she has to be the thinnest I'm presuming.

She would put down any of my achievements. After the French orals last year, the examiner gave me a compliment on my accent and I told her and she said "I got no compliment on mine, why did you get one?":rolleyes:

I could go on and on and on. I've been distancing myself since we started college as we both go to the same university - I'd rather avoid a big fight and conflict and just let the friendship fade.

Sorry for going on a tangent, but your situation really resonated with me, and I've had all that on my shoulders for quite a while. My advice - give yourself some space from her. She clearly doesn't make you feel good about yourself, and trust me, from experience, these kinds of people will eventually suck all the energy from you and leave your self-esteem in smithereens. This is a time when you should be feeling really confidant, you're losing weight and getting on well with WW. Be happy in that and don't let her crap bring you down. You deserve better friends than this. I know I did, and I found them, and I couldn't be happier!

meloyelo26 · 14-05-2012 1:37am

I have to say I can totally relate to your situation. I had a best friend like that too. The first few years of our friendship were great, we basically lived in each others pockets. Then a few things happened with guys and I really saw a different side to her. She cheated on her bf's and then would winge about it to me. I often bit my tongue but I never approved what she was doing. But sometimes it was all she would talk about and when ever I said anything about relationships/guy trouble I only felt like she was half listening. I soon realised it was not a 2 way street.

At the same time one of her grandparents who she was very close to became ill so I felt I needed to cut her some slack. I wanted to support her. But things just became worse and worse. We would go out with a bunch of friends and I would end up minding her because she would drink too much and then get into a fight or end with some creep. There was a few things that happened that I would forgive her for, I was a glutton for punishment. Other friends would ask me how do I put up with it? but I would tell them she was going though a hard time etc

Until one night, we were out and somebody that I really fancied came down to the pub. I had been with him a few times and I was hoping it would lead to more, which she knew. Long story short she ended up with him that night. She followed him out to the front of pub and handed it to him on a plate. I saw all of this happen and she did not know that I had saw. They did not come back inside and I knew she had went home with him. I was heartbroken. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I went back inside and bawled my eyes out in the pub in front of my friends. When I told them what happened they literally could not believe it. I felt embarrassed as I'm not one for public displays of emotion like that, but it really did hurt. She was also in a relationship at the time.

The next day I got a txt saying "can you help me with that assignment today, hows the head?" After a big txt war about what happened I told her I didn't want to be her friend and cut her off. I met her a month later for a drink as the anger was fading and I was missing her as a friend. But that night was another disaster and she ended up kissing her bf's best friend and making a total show herself. She also started on another friend of mine who did nothing to upset her. I had enough, I txt her the next morning and said, no more. I had hoped that she would of copped on but she clearly didn't.

I would recommend that you do cut her off and see what happens, a month down the line she might be able to see where she went wrong. If she wants to be your friend again she will fight for you. Don't wait around for the time when she has the opportunity to hurt you. If you ever feel like you want to txt her just come back to this thread and remember why you cut her loose. I hope it works out for you and best of luck with ww :cool:

LegacyUser · 14-05-2012 6:45pm

Hi OP,
Probably re-stating what others have said there but just to go on previous experience. I had problems with friends before, not exactly the same situation, but mainly to do with them just being obsessed with their own issues/dramas and not really giving a f*** about anyone else.

The thing is people very often just see things their own way. One minute they want you around and you're their best friend and the next they are being jelous/dragging you down, etc...
When they want someone to go out with they are all over you but when it doesn't suit them, not a sign of them...

I've yet to come across a situation where someone one day woke up and said "Oh wow, I'm being really selfish here, lets sort this out...".

So here's what I did. I just cut them out. I couldn't really take it any more. Everything was on their terms and it was driving me nuts. The result is I no longer have this person around, of course they slagged me off to all and sundry to make sure all our friends knew how awful I was to them.
My option was to keep going out with this person and having an awful time or cutting them out and not having anyone to go out with at all.

To be honest, it sucks having cut them out, I won't lie. I miss going out and having friends and someone to go out with, etc... but I'm NOT at all missing the drama and selfishness and begrudgery...

It's your call really but those are the options. I'd say just cut her out and see if she cops on (unlikely) but before you do decided if you can put up with her for the sake of having her "friendship". I it's not worth it, just cut her out. She won't change.

miec · 15-05-2012 2:51pm

Hi Op

I had a history of attracting friends like yours who carried on like that and yes your friend will most likely flirt / try to take away your boyfriend or someone you like to prove she can do it. I avoid people like her like the plague nowadays.

Nothingbetter2d · 15-05-2012 3:53pm

op it sounds like your friend suffers from ADHD. never happy with what she has always wanting what she cant have. doesn't seem to focus on anything for too long.

ManOfMystery · 15-05-2012 3:58pm

She sounds like a completely nasty piece of work. Why would you want her in your life?

As a rule of thumb, I consider my close 'friends' to be people who I like spending time with, who treat me well, and who I trust implicitly. And in return, I try and be an equally good friend back. Does this girl tick any of those boxes?

If there is a friend who causes you grief or annoyance for the vast majority of the time, then cut them out of your life. We can't choose family, but we do have the liberty of choosing our friends. That's the advice I give to anyone on here who posts a thread like this, as it never fails to surprise me how long people will tolerate 'friends' who in actuality behave more like enemies.

15-05-2012 4:13pm

Nothingbetter2d wrote: »

op it sounds like your friend suffers from ADHD. never happy with what she has always wanting what she cant have. doesn't seem to focus on anything for too long.

Medical advice and diagnoses are against the charter, please read it

Polloloca · 15-05-2012 4:48pm

Man of mystery - that's the problem. I do enjoy doing things with her, like the exercise classes or going to the playground, or the cinema and I have told her stuff in confidence that she never told anybody even when we had a nasty falling out. I know I could tell her something in the morning and not worry about hearing it back, regardless of wether or not we fell out the following day.

What I can't deal with is the constant need for her to be centre of attention. She has to be prettiest, has to be the one boys want, has to be the one gaining. I don't mind that so much as I'm confident enough with my looks - I know I'm no her, but I'm not terrible ugly anyway. She can't bear it when someone is talkin to me and not her and while it's never happened with a guy I really liked, I guess it's a matter of time until it does.

We haven't spoken a lot since it all happened but I did speak to a mutual friend who had been speaking to drama queen friend on Friday and she was apparently crying saying she had nobody to talk to, she was finding it so hard, nobody cared about her and that I was being a bitch.

I never intended to be a bitch to her and I'm sorry she feels I was but I'm just tired of her self inflicted drama. Yes her life is chaotic but everything is her own choice. To dog me into the ground behind my back to a mutual friend (who's closer to me than her) isn't very nice. She doesn't realise I hear all this back.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2012 6:09pm

Polloloca wrote: »

Man of mystery - that's the problem. I do enjoy doing things with her, like the exercise classes or going to the playground, or the cinema and I have told her stuff in confidence that she never told anybody even when we had a nasty falling out. I know I could tell her something in the morning and not worry about hearing it back, regardless of wether or not we fell out the following day.

What I can't deal with is the constant need for her to be centre of attention. She has to be prettiest, has to be the one boys want, has to be the one gaining. I don't mind that so much as I'm confident enough with my looks - I know I'm no her, but I'm not terrible ugly anyway. She can't bear it when someone is talkin to me and not her and while it's never happened with a guy I really liked, I guess it's a matter of time until it does.

We haven't spoken a lot since it all happened but I did speak to a mutual friend who had been speaking to drama queen friend on Friday and she was apparently crying saying she had nobody to talk to, she was finding it so hard, nobody cared about her and that I was being a bitch.

I never intended to be a bitch to her and I'm sorry she feels I was but I'm just tired of her self inflicted drama. Yes her life is chaotic but everything is her own choice. To dog me into the ground behind my back to a mutual friend (who's closer to me than her) isn't very nice. She doesn't realise I hear all this back.

Why not speak to her about this? Express what you told us to her. If she doesn't want to listen maybe write it in a letter. Be very careful how you word it and how you express yourself. I had a friend that was very similar to yours. I wrote her a letter expressing how I felt. My first draft (I never sent out) was very accusative but it was cathartic as I was letting everything out. I was working as an intern at a clinic and had a close and trusted supervisor who is a psychologist that read it and re-worded it for me. The revised version started out with her strong points and what I like about her and what I have gained from her friendship. Then I expressed what bothered me about the friendship and how these issues affected me on a personal level. The difference in the versions were amazing as the revised version's expressed the same concerns but not in an accusative angry matter but addressed how her behaviour was affecting herself, me and the friends she lost. I used this for example; It hurts me when you ignore me. I feel that this is a one sided friendship and express why so. She can never tell you how you feel but by expressing your emotions and true feelings and consequences of her actions tends to resonate more.

My friend was upset by the letter and did not speak with me for a long time (2 years!). She is quite stubborn...lol However, did you know what? She admitted to me that everything I wrote down was true and that is what hurt her most. It took her two years to speak with me because she was embarassed and afraid. She worked on her issues. I never told her in my letter that I no longer wanted to be her friend. I simply stated things had to change if she wanted to continue with this friendship. We are very good friends now and closer then ever. I trust and confide in her more than anyone. We have been friends now for over 15 years. We live in opposite sides of the country but we call each other every so often and catch up and visit whenever possible.

I am not sure how your friend might respond to this. But it is worth trying if you care about her and try to salvage this friendship. She may be shocked and upset over the letter but if she is a good friend (even if it doesn't seem like it now) she will come around.

My best friend is driving me crazy.

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