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Idiot111 · 18-02-2012, 13:21

I caught my girlfriend of 5 years texting and ringing some guy from her work. She admitted to "having an affair". Though this morning she says she only kissed him twice - which I do not believe.

I can't really take any higher ground - seeing as I haven't been innocent in the past also, but I would love some advice on how to deal with this whole situation, and also feel free to slate me/the relationship.

I have not slept all night - been watching tv / attempting to sleep on floor of spare room / attempting to deal with chest pain&anxiety. I have been an absolute mess on the phone to my sister today and hearing her voice helps soothe the anxiety. I avoid calling the sister for the night as she had work and I already kept her up late.

Anyways, we live in Manchester together. She was after a bottle of wine - which is why she got sloppy hiding it from me and I caught her trying to delete messages, and when I eventually got her phone and saw call log she admitted it. I rang the guy out of absolute madness - can't even remember the conversation but he pretty much confirmed what she admitted by saying "you need to speak with your girlfriend not me". Not that it needed confirmation.

Difficult to get the whole story across in one post, but I'm not faultless in this, we have had many fights lately. I haven't been making enough effort.
I know this isn't an excuse for cheating, but I have no foot to stand on really, or bring myself to be angry with her(yet) as I have done the same in the past as mentioned above, albeit to a slightly lesser extent and at a less crucial period.
One thing that really pains me is that rather than it being just a drunken fumble, she has been texting and ringing him

I have this full on anxiety in my chest. Only get brief 5 mins respite from it when I pace around and try and distract myself. Wish I could just man up and deal with it.. the thoughts are bloody terrible, but the chest anxiety is even worse

Been through it before when an ex cheated on me. (Seems like a pattern if forming of me being a useless idiot in relationships!)

It is looking like it could be an extremely lonely few months/years ahead, which is probably a selfish thought. Last relationship was only a year and it hurt bad for a couple of years. This could really last a while, especially considering how highly I think of her (despite doing the dirt)

I'm almost 30 too - thought she really was the right one, I don't think I will find or have time to find or have any single friends to go out with and find someone quite like her again. She is 26. We literally have the same personality and get on really well most of the time, but recently I haven't been making effort with her. We always have had our odd fights, some pretty nasty but never gotten to this low.

Sorry about this disjointed mess of a post! I really wish I could get some pointers from people on dealing with anxiety! (Not including prozac - though I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for something unrelated, I might just ask for sleeping pills. - Any tips on what to say to GP to get these?! )

Another issue, which is not a huge priority with all the above thoughts currently in my head, is that we have an expensive 1.5 years left in rental agreement which we already struggle to pay. On a quick google, I think if I find replacement to move in and pay rent - the letting agents might cooperate, even though they are not obliged to do so. Any other suggestions on this?

In addition to all you lucky people in more solid relationships - I would also be very grateful to hear from anyone who has managed to continue through horrendous stuff like the above.

I think from reading my own rambles above - this relationship is pretty doomed and probably has no hope of repair - not that I will even get a say in that judging by our conversations this morning. It had shakey foundations to begin with, which we have been just patching over.

I still love her. I justify it to myself that she is easily influenced after drink - this perhaps being a reason not to repair as it may only happen again, in much more serious circumstances - house, kids etc.

Cheers

**Oryx** · 18-02-2012, 13:32

1. If you are not in need of sleeping tablets, you wont be given them. If you are, you will. Dont try fibbing to 'get' them.
2. You say you were patching over a bad relationship. Keep reminding yourself of this. The affair is the straw that broke the camels back. Things were already shaky.
3. You can love this girl, but still have a rotten relationship that is no good for either of you. If splitting up happens, its probably the right thing.
4. Dont worry about your age or a clock ticking. Your priority now, is to get over the shock of this. Other issues can wait.
5. Talk to your letting agent, see if they have any solutions for you with your rental agreement.
6. If you have a pattern of this, give yourself time on your own to work through any possible reasons why that might be, before embarking on another relationship.

Lorna123 · 18-02-2012, 16:12

Don't base your self worth on how this relationship is going. You sit down and have a chat with this woman and ask her does she want to see others. If the answer is yes then you let her go. You can't demand love from anyone. They either give it freely or it is not worth having.
Love yourself a bit more. You sound like a very caring nice man and at 30 there is no hurry on you meeting someone else, you have all the time in the world. Stop panicking, there are tons of nice women out there who would love a relationship with you. Don't take the easy option by sticking with something that isn't working out. Best of Luck.

Chinafoot · 18-02-2012, 17:02

Sounds like a rather toxic relationship that needs to end.

You have both cheated on the other. You claim you thought she was the one and yet you freely admit to not making an effort with your relationship.

I'd suggest you cut your losses and find someone that you won't cheat on, who won't cheat on you, and whom you can be bothered making an effort for.

Podgers · 18-02-2012, 18:03

i was in the same situation as you last year

tell the doctor about your anxiety and he may subscribe you something. i was on anti depressants with a sleeping agent in them, i stopped taking them as i found myself being constantly numb, unable to express emotion or thoughts. i tried herbal ones which seemed to help better. I suffered very badly with anxiety, tried calms, lately using Rhodiola (st. John wort)

as for meeting someone new and thinking you wont find anyone like her, you will in time, because you still love her and your feeling the hurt you may not be seeing things as they actually are. you will find someone not like her but better, but do so in your own time.

Dont worry about being 30, yes i thought id have had kids now and settled. in an ideal world we would all have what we want when we want but these things will come.

Join a social club or pick up a new hobby that will help meet new people too

Carriexx · 27-02-2012, 15:30

OP - dont ever fear you wont get over something, time is great. Your gonna hurt now for a while - i had similar happen to me a few years ago......things work out - just look after you!!

curlzy · 27-02-2012, 15:56

Hey OP,

Really sounds like that relationship was toxic. Cheating on each other is never good, so on the whole this is probably for the best. TBH I don't know why you're upset. She can't have been the one, if she was the one you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be making zero effort. I really think you could do with some counselling because tbh if this is how you behave in relationships then yours is gonna be a lonely life.

Best of luck.

18-02-2012, 13:21	#1
Idiot111 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 1 Adverts \| Friends	5 year relationship - down the pan I caught my girlfriend of 5 years texting and ringing some guy from her work. She admitted to "having an affair". Though this morning she says she only kissed him twice - which I do not believe. I can't really take any higher ground - seeing as I haven't been innocent in the past also, but I would love some advice on how to deal with this whole situation, and also feel free to slate me/the relationship. I have not slept all night - been watching tv / attempting to sleep on floor of spare room / attempting to deal with chest pain&anxiety. I have been an absolute mess on the phone to my sister today and hearing her voice helps soothe the anxiety. I avoid calling the sister for the night as she had work and I already kept her up late. Anyways, we live in Manchester together. She was after a bottle of wine - which is why she got sloppy hiding it from me and I caught her trying to delete messages, and when I eventually got her phone and saw call log she admitted it. I rang the guy out of absolute madness - can't even remember the conversation but he pretty much confirmed what she admitted by saying "you need to speak with your girlfriend not me". Not that it needed confirmation. Difficult to get the whole story across in one post, but I'm not faultless in this, we have had many fights lately. I haven't been making enough effort. I know this isn't an excuse for cheating, but I have no foot to stand on really, or bring myself to be angry with her(yet) as I have done the same in the past as mentioned above, albeit to a slightly lesser extent and at a less crucial period. One thing that really pains me is that rather than it being just a drunken fumble, she has been texting and ringing him I have this full on anxiety in my chest. Only get brief 5 mins respite from it when I pace around and try and distract myself. Wish I could just man up and deal with it.. the thoughts are bloody terrible, but the chest anxiety is even worse Been through it before when an ex cheated on me. (Seems like a pattern if forming of me being a useless idiot in relationships!) It is looking like it could be an extremely lonely few months/years ahead, which is probably a selfish thought. Last relationship was only a year and it hurt bad for a couple of years. This could really last a while, especially considering how highly I think of her (despite doing the dirt) I'm almost 30 too - thought she really was the right one, I don't think I will find or have time to find or have any single friends to go out with and find someone quite like her again. She is 26. We literally have the same personality and get on really well most of the time, but recently I haven't been making effort with her. We always have had our odd fights, some pretty nasty but never gotten to this low. Sorry about this disjointed mess of a post! I really wish I could get some pointers from people on dealing with anxiety! (Not including prozac - though I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for something unrelated, I might just ask for sleeping pills. - Any tips on what to say to GP to get these?! ) Another issue, which is not a huge priority with all the above thoughts currently in my head, is that we have an expensive 1.5 years left in rental agreement which we already struggle to pay. On a quick google, I think if I find replacement to move in and pay rent - the letting agents might cooperate, even though they are not obliged to do so. Any other suggestions on this? In addition to all you lucky people in more solid relationships - I would also be very grateful to hear from anyone who has managed to continue through horrendous stuff like the above. I think from reading my own rambles above - this relationship is pretty doomed and probably has no hope of repair - not that I will even get a say in that judging by our conversations this morning. It had shakey foundations to begin with, which we have been just patching over. I still love her. I justify it to myself that she is easily influenced after drink - this perhaps being a reason not to repair as it may only happen again, in much more serious circumstances - house, kids etc. Cheers Last edited by Idiot111; 18-02-2012 at 13:24.

18-02-2012, 13:32	#2
Oryx Made of Ticky Tacky Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: On the hillside Posts: 12,960 Adverts \| Friends Mod: Health & Fitness, Paranormal, Sex & Sexuality, Spirituality	1. If you are not in need of sleeping tablets, you wont be given them. If you are, you will. Dont try fibbing to 'get' them. 2. You say you were patching over a bad relationship. Keep reminding yourself of this. The affair is the straw that broke the camels back. Things were already shaky. 3. You can love this girl, but still have a rotten relationship that is no good for either of you. If splitting up happens, its probably the right thing. 4. Dont worry about your age or a clock ticking. Your priority now, is to get over the shock of this. Other issues can wait. 5. Talk to your letting agent, see if they have any solutions for you with your rental agreement. 6. If you have a pattern of this, give yourself time on your own to work through any possible reasons why that might be, before embarking on another relationship.

18-02-2012, 16:12	#3
Lorna123 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 916 Adverts \| Friends	Don't base your self worth on how this relationship is going. You sit down and have a chat with this woman and ask her does she want to see others. If the answer is yes then you let her go. You can't demand love from anyone. They either give it freely or it is not worth having. Love yourself a bit more. You sound like a very caring nice man and at 30 there is no hurry on you meeting someone else, you have all the time in the world. Stop panicking, there are tons of nice women out there who would love a relationship with you. Don't take the easy option by sticking with something that isn't working out. Best of Luck.

18-02-2012, 17:02	#4
Chinafoot Closed Account Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 9,644 Adverts \| Friends	Sounds like a rather toxic relationship that needs to end. You have both cheated on the other. You claim you thought she was the one and yet you freely admit to not making an effort with your relationship. I'd suggest you cut your losses and find someone that you won't cheat on, who won't cheat on you, and whom you can be bothered making an effort for.

18-02-2012, 18:03	#5
Podgers Registered User Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Mayo Posts: 70 Adverts \| Friends	i was in the same situation as you last year tell the doctor about your anxiety and he may subscribe you something. i was on anti depressants with a sleeping agent in them, i stopped taking them as i found myself being constantly numb, unable to express emotion or thoughts. i tried herbal ones which seemed to help better. I suffered very badly with anxiety, tried calms, lately using Rhodiola (st. John wort) as for meeting someone new and thinking you wont find anyone like her, you will in time, because you still love her and your feeling the hurt you may not be seeing things as they actually are. you will find someone not like her but better, but do so in your own time. Dont worry about being 30, yes i thought id have had kids now and settled. in an ideal world we would all have what we want when we want but these things will come. Join a social club or pick up a new hobby that will help meet new people too

27-02-2012, 15:30	#6
Carriexx Registered User Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Kildare Posts: 85 Adverts \| Friends	OP - dont ever fear you wont get over something, time is great. Your gonna hurt now for a while - i had similar happen to me a few years ago......things work out - just look after you!!

27-02-2012, 15:56	#7
curlzy Registered User Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 1,574 Adverts \| Friends	Hey OP, Really sounds like that relationship was toxic. Cheating on each other is never good, so on the whole this is probably for the best. TBH I don't know why you're upset. She can't have been the one, if she was the one you wouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be making zero effort. I really think you could do with some counselling because tbh if this is how you behave in relationships then yours is gonna be a lonely life. Best of luck.