is marriage pointless these days?

queenlex · 05-10-2007 5:23pm #1

Does anyone else wonder about the point of marriage these days? With polls recently saying that in 80% of relatonships at least one person cheats/ has cheated is there any point as its less hassle to just break up with the boyfriend/girlfriend?

biko · 05-10-2007 5:26pm

It's never pointless to declare your devotion and love for someone publicly.
However, people just don't live up to expectations any more.

EKRIUQ · 05-10-2007 5:29pm

We'll that's what your Da said but YORE MA!!! wanted to be married before having you

Elessar · 05-10-2007 5:33pm

Yes it's pointless. Also financial suicide.

I cant help but snigger when I hear one of my co-workers calling his fiance every f*cking hour cos they're just so much in love. Wait until your 40 mate, you'll hardly have a conversation with your wife, if you're still married that is, which you wont be after one of you cheats or falls "out of love" with the other and everything becomes routine. The you loose the house, your car, your money and your life.

Oh the naive.

Orange69 · 05-10-2007 5:35pm

Imo marriage is pretty much pointless*...

If people are happy together then it wont change anything and its not like someone who decides they want out will hang in there just because they are married.. I have seen the aftermath of a couple of divorces and its pretty scary how ****ed up people get in the cross fire (especially dudes)... Seems worse than a regular breakup...

Plus there is the cost of the whole thing!!

*nothing got to do with the fact that im single.. ahem..

bronte · 05-10-2007 5:36pm

It's a tough one....and something I'll be going into very slowly...IF I do at all.

Maple · 05-10-2007 5:38pm

biko wrote:

It's never pointless to declare your devotion and love for someone publicly.
However, people just don't live up to expectations any more.

Or do you think that people's expectations can be too high? In this society of instant gratification do you think that sometimes people quit because they're not prepared to put in the work? Its hardly the romantic ideal but sometimes relationships do take work.

AlmightyCushion · 05-10-2007 5:40pm

bronte wrote:

IF I do at all.

I hope rig doesn't see this.

bronte · 05-10-2007 5:43pm

Oh lord..Rig!! :eek:
Maple has a good point...maybe people do expect marriage to automatically be a safe haven, when the truth is you have to work hard at it.

doubtfir3 · 05-10-2007 5:43pm

I'd be the same.. I don't know if I would ever get married.. or even seriously consider it.. I used to think of things in terms of marriage, kids, etc but have changed my thoughts on this over the past number of years.

I see people married, who are now in their 50s or 60s and no way are they suited.. they seem to stay together almost because there's a perception that there's nothing else to do..

I see people all around me, friends, family and colleagues who are married and are breaking up, in the process of it, thinking about it or cheating.

Still more who are getting into relationships with marriage as the ultimate goal - again in a situation where you can see so much heartache down the road and an inevitable breakup..

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I definately think that I'll have to consider it very carefully if I do decide to go down that route... I'm not saying that I don't want to be in a long-term and committed relationship full of love, lust and all that goes with it but I am of the opinion that marriage is a step I may never take.

My 2c..

Black Swan · 05-10-2007 5:43pm

Methinks the 80% cheating poll cited is bull! I'll bet the sample they polled was biased in some ways. Probably from some magazine survey with a narrowly defined audience, or some special interest group? Plus, I would bet that their research methodology and analysis may be problematic, too.

In any case, marriage is not pointless for couples who truly love one another. Further, it is not pointless for their children in many ways. Sure, there may be close relationships that have dependent children that work, but I have always wondered why they don't tie the knot?

There are also other practical reasons that benefit couples and their dependent children from both legal, inheritance, and employment benefits standpoints.

Orange69 · 05-10-2007 5:50pm

Elessar wrote:

Yes it's pointless. Also financial suicide.

I wouldn't say its financial suicide in itself, but if it leads to a jumbo mortgage and kids then your ****ed... Especially in Irish society..

bullpost · 05-10-2007 5:50pm

An interesting angle to the OP's question is that a section of society that has all the perceived advantages of relationships without the hassle of marriage i.e. gay couples, are pushing to be able to marry!

ejmaztec · 05-10-2007 5:52pm

So, what do unmarried parents call their kids? (talking surnames here, not bast*rds)

connundrum · 05-10-2007 6:03pm

If yore a lesbian, yes.

If marriage actually means something to you then it isn't pointless. In the same way that many people feel that religion in general is pointless... try telling that to my Gran who goes to mass 7 times a week.

People who try to force the opinion that marriage is pointless are at nothing. If marriage isn't for you then so be it. If people want to get married then leave them be, don't try to shove the 'its only a bit of paper' argument down their throat.

I agree that a lot of people don't get the point of marriage, and therefore get married for the wrong reasons, which in turn will usually lead to a marriage breakdown. I reckon that too much attention is being paid to the wedding day, rather than the marriage itself. Once this imbalance is addressed, things should start to get better for the idea of marriage.

Drift · 05-10-2007 6:11pm

maple wrote:

Or do you think that people's expectations can be too high? In this society of instant gratification do you think that sometimes people quit because they're not prepared to put in the work? Its hardly the romantic ideal but sometimes relationships do take work.

Very good post maple. I think this is the key. A lot of people think dating, going out etc are lots of work. Then more hard work deciding if the person is right, getting engaged organising a wedding. BUT then after the wedding day its happily ever after in the perfect life. I'm not married but I know a marriage takes work and effort. I hope and believe that the rewards in terms of having someone who loves you to share your life with are well worth the hard work.

Throwaway Culture FTW :rolleyes:

grahamo · 05-10-2007 6:14pm

queenlex wrote:

Does anyone else wonder about the point of marriage these days? With polls recently saying that in 80% of relatonships at least one person cheats/ has cheated is there any point as its less hassle to just break up with the boyfriend/girlfriend?

That is total Bull. That survey must have been done in a swingers club.:rolleyes: I'm married, have never cheated and most people I know won't cheat on their wives/ husbands. I know a lot of people who are happy being married, especially when a family comes along.

ryanairzer · 05-10-2007 6:16pm

grahamo wrote:

That is total Bull. That survey must have been done in a swingers club.:rolleyes: I'm married, have never cheated and most people I know won't cheat on their wives/ husbands. I know a lot of people who are happy being married, especially when a family comes along.

Your wife probably has. At least I think it was her.

grahamo · 05-10-2007 6:20pm

ryanairzer wrote:

Your wife probably has. At least I think it was her.

CathyMoran · 05-10-2007 6:30pm

connundrum wrote:

If yore a lesbian, yes.

If marriage actually means something to you then it isn't pointless. In the same way that many people feel that religion in general is pointless... try telling that to my Gran who goes to mass 7 times a week.

People who try to force the opinion that marriage is pointless are at nothing. If marriage isn't for you then so be it. If people want to get married then leave them be, don't try to shove the 'its only a bit of paper' argument down their throat.

I agree that a lot of people don't get the point of marriage, and therefore get married for the wrong reasons, which in turn will usually lead to a marriage breakdown. I reckon that too much attention is being paid to the wedding day, rather than the marriage itself. Once this imbalance is addressed, things should start to get better for the idea of marriage.

I agree. Marriage is about sharing with someone for the rest of your life through the good times and bad times, it is about choosing your own family. There is too much emphasis on the day itself. Don't get me wrong it was a nice day but being married is wonderful.

Terry · 05-10-2007 6:44pm

A friend of mine got married today.

I'll ask him if he thinks it's pointless at the reception later.
Then I'll try to score with his wife.

AlmightyCushion · 05-10-2007 6:47pm

Terry wrote:

Then I'll try to score with his wife.

Also at the reception I presume?

ryanairzer · 05-10-2007 6:49pm

Terry wrote:

A friend of mine got married today.

I'll ask him if he thinks it's pointless at the reception later.
Then I'll try to score with his wife.

Why don't you RAPE her while you're at it? :mad:

North&South · 05-10-2007 6:56pm

It's true, marriage can be really hard work - but once you finally have the hang of the rules.... like always thinking things through from your partners perspective, treating them with as much respect as you would want to be treated with in return, not taking them for granted, and not treating them as though they don't matter, then that is half the battle won.

Then along come children, mortgages, bills, work & work stress, friends (sometimes can be damaging by just eating into your time) and everything else that fills your life. And if you don't remember to keep your partner at the number one spot, it can all be so easy to walk away from. Well, it's not easy actually, but at the time it just seems like too much hard work keeping the marriage intact.

Hubby & I were facing a crossroads a few months back, but we've talked things through, made some VERY drastic decisions & some even more drastic changes & are on our way to Ireland, to start our new life together on the 15th! OK, we could have done things a bit easier, not been so drastic, but we both recognised that it would have possibly been a quick fix.
We're prepared to work at staying together, after all, a marriage is just that... TWO people, not just one - and anyways, who will shift those spiders if he's not around anymore?

Terry · 05-10-2007 6:56pm

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Also at the reception I presume?

Of course.

ryanairzer wrote:

Why don't you RAPE her while you're at it? :mad:

That's not very nice.

North&South · 05-10-2007 6:57pm

ryanairzer wrote:

Why don't you RAPE her while you're at it? :mad:

I think you'll find that Terry was being sarcastic......

You were, weren't you Terry??.................... Terry????

Terry · 05-10-2007 7:03pm

I don't know what that means.

NUTLEY BOY · 05-10-2007 7:13pm

Marriage is brilliant if you specialise in family law.:)

Jesus Wept · 05-10-2007 7:39pm

AlmightyCushion wrote:

I hope rig doesn't see this.

Nah she is right.

Far too many fools get married.

People just seem to get married and/or have kids because it's the done thing, rather than having a huge commitment to it.

Tha Gopher · 05-10-2007 7:41pm

Elessar wrote:

Yes it's pointless. Also financial suicide.

.

You call decent tax credits and having a second person paying the mortgage financial suicide? A bigger financial suicide is buying a one bedroom flat for 180,000 when you are 27, meeting a girl maybe 5 years down, decide to settle/start family/buy real house and then you have a poxy sale price on your flat because in 2012 nobody wants to live in an overpriced boxroom.

ryanairzer · 05-10-2007 7:45pm

North&South wrote:

I think you'll find that Terry was being sarcastic......

You were, weren't you Terry??.................... Terry????

Terry is never sarcastic:

Me - "what are you doing, Terry?"
Terry - "Preparing to rape you"
Me - "Haha - **** get off me no no NOOOOO"
Terry - "MHUAHAHAHAHAHA"

bronte · 05-10-2007 7:46pm

The-Rigger wrote:

Nah she is right.

Far too many fools get married.

People just seem to get married and/or have kids because it's the done thing, rather than having a huge commitment to it.

Yeah, I just hate this idea of 'ah sure everyone's doing it, why don't we?'
That's not very romantic.
Also the pressure that's put on people sometimes to follow in friends or siblings footsteps is extremely annoying.

Jesus Wept · 05-10-2007 7:47pm

Tha Gopher wrote:

You call decent tax credits and having a second person paying the mortgage financial suicide? A bigger financial suicide is buying a one bedroom flat for 180,000 when you are 27, meeting a girl maybe 5 years down, decide to settle/start family/buy real house and then you have a poxy sale price on your flat because in 2012 nobody wants to live in an overpriced boxroom.

Maybe people shouldn't get financial incentives to marry.
Ditto kids.

Seems unfair.

peasant · 05-10-2007 7:47pm

Any long term relationship needs "work", people change, circumstances change, the relationship needs to evolve and adapt, whether you're married or not.

A marriage is nothing but a long term relationship with tax benefits

The question really is: are you willing and able to commit to one person long term ?

If yes, you might as well get married; if no, you better say so at the beginning of any (every) relationship.

AlmightyCushion · 05-10-2007 7:50pm

ryanairzer wrote:

Terry is never sarcastic:

Me - "what are you doing, Terry?"
Terry - "Preparing to rape you"
Me - "Haha - **** get off me no no NOOOOO"
Terry - "MHUAHAHAHAHAHA"

It's just his way of saying hi. You get used to it after a while.

North&South · 05-10-2007 7:51pm

ryanairzer wrote:

Terry is never sarcastic:

Me - "what are you doing, Terry?"
Terry - "Preparing to rape you"
Me - "Haha - **** get off me no no NOOOOO"
Terry - "MHUAHAHAHAHAHA"

Awww... and there was me thinking Terry was a gentleman too......:p

limklad · 05-10-2007 7:53pm

When One person in the relationship takes over (Becomes the aggressive Boss (Claims they are always right)) and not gives respect to the other, take them for granted, one or both abuses the other verbally, emotionally, and physically, then marriage is then pointless.

The Vow of Marriage.

'for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do them part’

If you are not willing to obey this vow, then marriage is pointless.

Marriage is also pointless when one/both partners do nothing to nourish the relationship. Not doing their bit of the work, in house chores, in finicanal matters , and in sexual relationship.

Also Marriage is pointless when one partner is away with the fairies with delusions about their great future their marriage is going to be, without acknowledging that bad times always happen.
Bad times are a part of life and only if both work together can the marriage succeed, and become stronger for it. Successful Marriage also depends in how to give each other space and/or comfort when the other partner requires is the most.

When both give commitment and respect, then marriage is not pointless. After all, it takes two to tango!

If a Judge gets a person arriving in court with 2 and above divorces in their Résumé, then he should ban them from marring again until they have completed minumual a 2 Year training course once marriage proposal is initiated (6 Months after going out together minimum can the Marriage proposal can they proceed with the next step which is the theory & practical exam with marriage and kids counselors after the two years are up (final exams).
If they both fail then another 2 years should be placed on their marriage ban.

Part of the Course should entail them looking after various species which will be male goats, foxes, skunks within their home (Must be living together). Just like kids they will certainly cause enough problems and if they survive that ordeal together, then they (Students of the marriage course) deserve to pass.

4+: then Jail them

6+: Execute them. :eek:

P.S I would advocate animal cruelty before subjecting kids to bad couples. After all the animals are well able to fight back and throw the pain back. If you do not believe me, Try and upset a skunk.

It will save a lot of unnecessary pain.

05-10-2007 8:47pm

The-Rigger wrote:

Nah she is right.

Far too many fools get married.

People just seem to get married and/or have kids because it's the done thing, rather than having a huge commitment to it.

Exactly! God I hate that!
I'm only 21 and my gmother keeps asking when I want to get married!

limklad · 06-10-2007 1:10am

If only divorce process was this simple to do.
http://news.zdnet.co.uk/emergingtech/0,1000000183,2090283,00.htm

A man in Dubai who divorced his wife by a short text message has set a legal precedent for other Islamic divorce cases.
Under Islamic law, a man can divorce his wife by simply saying "I divorce thee" three times. The Dubai courts have now accepted that this can be done electronically, after a man divorced his wife by a single text message reading, "Why are you late? You are divorced."
The case was referred to Islamic scholars by the family reconciliation of the Dubai courts, in order to assess its validity. "All have said that the divorce is valid as the husband expressed the will to divorce and the wife received it," said religious scholar Abdel-Salam Darwish to the Gulf News.
Darwish decided that four conditions must be met for an electronically communicated divorce to be valid. The husband should be the sender of the message, and he must also wish to divorce. The phrasing must also be unambiguous, and finally the wife must receive the communication. As all four requirements were fulfilled in the above case, the divorce was granted.
In the past two months, 15 other Islamic divorce cases had involved mobile phone messages. Darwish has warned that divorce should not be taken more lightly in the era of electronic communications. "Supposing a husband jokingly sends his wife a message telling her he was divorcing her. Under Sharia law, the divorce would be valid."
The couple in question are in their mid-twenties, and had been married for two years. They are now living together again with their baby daughter, which is allowed under Islamic law.

Jesus Wept · 06-10-2007 1:23am

limklad wrote:

If only divorce process was this simple to do.
http://news.zdnet.co.uk/emergingtech/0,1000000183,2090283,00.htm

wrote:

A man in Dubai who divorced his wife by a short text message has set a legal precedent for other Islamic divorce cases.[/B]
Under Islamic law, a man can divorce his wife by simply saying "I divorce thee" three times. The Dubai courts have now accepted that this can be done electronically, after a man divorced his wife by a single text message reading, "Why are you late? You are divorced."
The case was referred to Islamic scholars by the family reconciliation of the Dubai courts, in order to assess its validity. "All have said that the divorce is valid as the husband expressed the will to divorce and the wife received it," said religious scholar Abdel-Salam Darwish to the Gulf News.
Darwish decided that four conditions must be met for an electronically communicated divorce to be valid. The husband should be the sender of the message, and he must also wish to divorce. The phrasing must also be unambiguous, and finally the wife must receive the communication. As all four requirements were fulfilled in the above case, the divorce was granted.
In the past two months, 15 other Islamic divorce cases had involved mobile phone messages. Darwish has warned that divorce should not be taken more lightly in the era of electronic communications. "Supposing a husband jokingly sends his wife a message telling her he was divorcing her. Under Sharia law, the divorce would be valid."
The couple in question are in their mid-twenties, and had been married for two years. They are now living together again with their baby daughter, which is allowed under Islamic law.

What if he writes

wrote:

lol jk!

at the end of it? Or

wrote:

:-D jk! l8ters

limklad · 06-10-2007 1:27am

The-Rigger wrote:

What if he writes

at the end of it? Or

I can only assume it divorse is still valid according to the article.

_Kaiser_ · 06-10-2007 11:36am

limklad wrote:

I can only assume it divorse is still valid according to the article.

Nah.. that's covered by:

The phrasing must also be unambiguous

Adding lol, jk

etc would negate that.

kelle · 06-10-2007 7:35pm

Marriage is not pointless if you find Mr. Right. I married mine 11 years ago yesterday!

watna · 06-10-2007 8:37pm

I believe in marriage, I think it's important for a number of reasons. I'm used to arguing about though, my bf always says he never wants to get married. I just think he's protesting too much. I think it's important to stand up in front of your friends and family (not God though, cos, you know... he doesn't exist) and commit to each other. I also think for legal reasons it's important, especially in Ireland where father's rights are poor, especially if you're not married. I do believe in divorce but think people divorce too easily. It should be the last resort after trying everything else. Relationships are hard work in general and I think anyone going in to a marriage thinking "I've got the ring on my finger, it'll be easy now" is being incredibly naive.

Ireland is a country that does encourage marriage I think. My bf is from NZ and if he wants to get residency here because he is my partner we have to get married. In NZ they have something called a "partnership visa" where you can bring your other half bnack to NZ.You don't have to be married, you just have to prove your in a committed relationship (i.e. prove that you have lived together for at least a year, provide financial dealings in both your name etc.) If i were to get this visa I'd get permanent residency in NZ. We wouldn't get married just for visa reasons though, that'd be so unromantic! and a bad reason to start a committed lie together.

loismustdie · 06-10-2007 11:55pm

watna would you get married in church even though you don't believe in god?

i think marraige is impractical. it's a pity the public see it as an act of dedication when it is only an expensive day out. a couple can prove their love by their day-to-day habits.
i think it would be more important to put money and efforts to get a mortgage in a time when house prices are high, and be able to provide well for a family.
the emphasis on wedding days now and expectation are ridiculous. my baby shares his dad's surname as that is necessary for social reasons in this age to avoid stereotyping

07-10-2007 12:19am

loismustdie wrote:

watna would you get married in church even though you don't believe in god?

i think marraige is impractical. it's a pity the public see it as an act of dedication when it is only an expensive day out. a couple can prove their love by their day-to-day habits.
i think it would be more important to put money and efforts to get a mortgage in a time when house prices are high, and be able to provide well for a family.
the emphasis on wedding days now and expectation are ridiculous.

Well you can't call the entirety of marriage impractical just because of the wedding day

loismustdie · 07-10-2007 12:37am

i think the cost of a wedding day makes a lasting impact on life after the wedding. i'd be more for a small blessing if anything. i think there are more important things to focus on. marraige doesn't actually change anything. i know people who have been together for up to ten years start to doubt their relationship on the eve of the wedding, whereas before the pressure of the wedding they were happily enjoying the ride.

K-9 · 07-10-2007 1:19am

bluewolf wrote:

Well you can't call the entirety of marriage impractical just because of the wedding day

Just ask Bridezilla!;)

Dave! · 07-10-2007 11:46am

Elessar wrote:

Yes it's pointless. Also financial suicide.

I cant help but snigger when I hear one of my co-workers calling his fiance every f*cking hour cos they're just so much in love. Wait until your 40 mate, you'll hardly have a conversation with your wife, if you're still married that is, which you wont be after one of you cheats or falls "out of love" with the other and everything becomes routine. The you loose the house, your car, your money and your life.

Oh the naive.

Jayzus -- cynical much?! :eek:

watna · 07-10-2007 12:07pm

loismustdie wrote:

watna would you get married in church even though you don't believe in god?

i think marraige is impractical. it's a pity the public see it as an act of dedication when it is only an expensive day out. a couple can prove their love by their day-to-day habits.
i think it would be more important to put money and efforts to get a mortgage in a time when house prices are high, and be able to provide well for a family.
the emphasis on wedding days now and expectation are ridiculous. my baby shares his dad's surname as that is necessary for social reasons in this age to avoid stereotyping

No, I wouldn't get married in a church

a) I'm not a believer
b) my bf is a hindu!

limklad · 08-10-2007 12:02pm

kelle wrote:

Marriage is not pointless if you find Mr. Right. I married mine 11 years ago yesterday!

There is no point of having Mr. Right if Mrs. Right is not there.
I know one woman who claims to have Mr. Right and go out of her way to make him miserable, when he does not agree with her about any little thing, such as when to pick up a paper. He is not allowed to have his own opinion or have any freedom. She constantly questions (degrading manner) him where has he gone to. He can’t escape from marriage because financially, it is not an option for him, and he is beaten up emotionally and no longer have confidence in himself.
That is not a partnership of equals. The saying "the old ball and chain" comes into mind here. She claims she is happy, because she gets her way. He is totally miserable and put up a performance when out in public. Most people notice it, especially when she puts him down in public, and she very obnoxious when she does it.
She hates me, because I began to question her calm manner in more detail about her relationship, especially when she starts to complain about divorce and the effect it has on children (Most of the Time it is the fighting between them is the main problem especially when they turn the child against the other parent), and unmarried couples living together, etc. I usually find holes in her claims and question those holes in her argument. She usually looses her temper.

I know another couple they both have completely opposite views and they both accept that. When they make a decision together, there is no complaining or arguing about past events. They give each other respect and support when they need to, not just in the good times but in desperate times too. This couple never stops taking to each other, and you just can’t get a word in there once they start!!. To him she is not the “Ball and chain” but a breath of fresh air and he is right, and I envy him and he knows it too. This was a fella who was very nervous about getting married incase she would change just like the other woman I mentioned.

In these modern day, with our law and society, Marriage hands over more personal freedom and control to the female gender of the marriage, especially when there are kids are involved.

As a quote of One woman I know said to her newly found husband on their wedding day speech,
“What is yours is mine and what is mine is mine”

is marriage pointless these days?

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