Should I tell our children about the siblings they lost by miscarriage

CathyMoran · 27-06-2011 12:51pm #1

Hi, we have two beautiful young children but also had multiple miscarriages before our first child was born. Both of our children are very young but I was wondering should we mention to them all the siblings that they lost. I still find it hard to discuss what happened but I want what is best for them. Sorry if this is a strange question.

bijapos · 27-06-2011 12:57pm

From personal experience I don't think you should. You should wait until they are old enough to properly understand and accept this. I would wait until they are young adults tbh, 18 or 20. Its very hard to see how an adult, let alone a young child will take this, some will take it well, its the one which won't that where a problem might arise.

There are others on this forum who can advise you better, I'm just writing from personal experience.

stargazer 68 · 27-06-2011 1:00pm

Have to agree. Young children dont grasp the concept of death of people they know let alone anyone they have never met. Do tell them but wait until they are older.

katiebelle · 27-06-2011 1:06pm

Our mother waited until we were grown before she told us about her miscarriage and our still born sister. I am glad she did. I would not have wanted to know this as a child . Firstly because I would have known my mother was hurting and I could not make it better and thats a big thing for a child to carry around and secondly if I understood properly I would not have wanted to be wondering about my lost sibs and what if that had been me. Strange things can go through a child's head. Many years later when I spoke about my mum at her funeral I spoke too about our lost little sister and sibling. I know she would have wanted them remembered especially now she was not there to keep them alive.
I would wait especially as you yourself are pretty raw about the whole thing. You will know when the time is right.

LadyMayBelle · 27-06-2011 2:34pm

Id wait Cathy, your children are still too young. It's confusing for them and will only give them more confusing feelings and I know from your posts there has eben a lot of heartbreak and sadness in your family lately... wait until they are in their teens perhaps where they are less egocentic and more empathic and able to conatin the information

Dubs · 27-06-2011 11:09pm

When I was 18 and my sister was 16 we both found out that my mother had had a miscarriage between my birth and hers. It was my dad who let us know and it was pretty clear my mother was still hurting from it when it was brought up.

Both my sister and I took it pretty well at the time though it got us thinking. I can't speak for her but it kind of gets me thinking sometimes about what if it had have been me, what if it had never happened at all then my younger sister to be would not have happened, what if it had happened again with my other younger siblings, etc..

As others have said above, if I were you I'd wait until they were mature enough, and at a point where you feel that they can understand and handle it, for their well being and yours.

robman60 · 28-06-2011 1:43am

If your children are young, I really wouldn't advise it.

When I was in fourth class (about ten years old) my friend told me one day that he had just found out the day before that he had a younger brother who died at birth (to be honest, I can't remember if he specified if it was a miscarriage or a still birth). He was visibly shaken, and I felt quite bad for him.

I really wouldn't advise it until your children are late teens. I'm fifteen right now and I'd be quite distraught to hear of such an event in my family, but I guess there will be a certain level of distress no matter when your children hear it. Remember, issues like this should be raised when the person is best able to cope, it is bound to have some effect, so there is never going to be an "easy" time to tell your children, but I think it's best deferred for some years.

CathyMoran · 28-06-2011 8:44pm

Thanks everyone for your responses - my way of coping has been that it took several attempts for my son to arrive to us, that that is how I always coped myself, I did not think about the extreme upset it would cause our children which is the last thing that I would want. I will leave telling them until they are a lot older. I suppose that I did not want to forget what happened and also there are certain days that I will always be upset about.

Otis Driftwood · 28-06-2011 11:21pm

My Mum had a miscarriage 4 or 5 months before she got pregnant with me so if she hadn't have miscarried,I never would have been created.

She told me that when I was maybe 15 or 16.

Thinking about that down the years I always wondered how their lives would have turned out had she gone to term and when I asked her about it she said that she was glad (sic) she had the miscarriage because other wise she wouldnt have had me.

I would say tell them when they get older anyway,certainly did me no harm.

bigtuna · 03-07-2011 1:26am

I had a big brother that was born premature and only lived for 30 mins. I don't remember being told about it. From my earliest memory I have always known I had a big brother. Even in school when writing about my family I always said I had 4 sisters and a brother who died. A lot of people in our village had lost babies so it was not really weird. I always wondered what is would have been like if he had lived as my parents had 5 girls after. It was never a secret and I think it was best. We all talk about him and what we think he would be doing if he had lived. I definitely feel like he is watching over me and that he has always been a part of my life even tho I never met him.

eirn · 02-08-2011 10:57pm

I was watching tv with my mum one day when something came up about miscarriges. She told me that she'd had four miscarriages, it really came out of the blue. I was in my late teens. I still think about it now, years later. About the brothers and sisters that I could have had. My mum never brought it up again, and never told my siblings. I do think it would be very confusing for young children. Its such a sad thing to happen. Most people would find it enough to deal with as adults.

UrbanSea · 03-08-2011 2:03am

Sorry to hear about what happened Cathy.
I'd go with the other posters,young children may find it difficult to understand that they lost a brother or sister and may hurt or upset them.

I'm glad to hear you had two successful births after all.

chucken1 · 03-08-2011 2:23am

Cathy,my mam lost 2 babies between me and my brother. Im talking about between 1958 and 1964. Things werent much different in the grand scheme of things when I lost my 1st baby in 1983.

My mam named her babies (unheard of then) So I knew from an early age I had 2 other siblings. There was a tree planted where my parents lived at the time and I still know where it is so I can go and have a cry. Ya,cos I miss them that I never knew

I lost my own baby at 20 weeks and I will never ever forget her. Ya a little girl who was due christmas day. Shes with my nana now.

I now have 2 adult babies who know about their sister,Ive always been honest with them.

Victor · 03-08-2011 3:26am

CathyMoran wrote: »

I did not think about the extreme upset it would cause our children which is the last thing that I would want.

I'm not sure if it will cause extreme upset. Children under about 3 don't really appreciate life and death, so it won't make a difference to them. Its the 3 year old to teenager that I would be cautious about.

However, perhaps write a letter to your children now that you can read to them in the future and keep it in a safe place. Add further letters in the future.

However, in situations where a child is perhaps at school-going age and is aware there is a pregnancy and then there is a miscarriage, then it is perhaps best to not keep it from them or other children.

TeddyTedson · 03-08-2011 3:36am

I'm not sure waiting is actually the best option. I remember finding out something along these lines a few years ago. I just heard it one day and it came as a bit of a shock. I was surprised I wasn't told before about it. I'd imagine that if I'd of heard about it from an early age it might have been a bit fairer. It was slightly differnert circumstances though and don't think finding out at a later age had any negative affects so I guess that's all I have to go on.
Best of luck, you'll figure it out I'm sure.

amacachi · 03-08-2011 3:39am

I was about 10 or 11 when I found out about my mother's previous miscarriages and it didn't affect me really. I tend not to take people dying very well either.

pencilsharp · 03-08-2011 3:12pm

I had an older brother who was born and only lived for an hour or two. I knew about it, but it was never really discussed in detail. If your children are younger than 8-10 yrs I would not tell them but if they are older I think it is a good idea to discuss it. To this day my mam won't discuss it in detail but I feel like she is hiding something from me, although I think it would have come as more of a shock if I had only heard about it in later life.

Victor · 04-08-2011 6:10pm

pencilsharp wrote: »

ITo this day my mam won't discuss it in detail but I feel like she is hiding something from me

While it might feel like that, she might be hurting inside also and is herself hiding from discussing it.

Oh, if anyone does feel they need someone to talk to or need counselling, these two organisations may be able to help.

Irish Sudden Infant Death Association
Carmichael House
4 North Brunswick Street
Dublin 7
IRELAND
Tel:+353 (0)1 873 2711
Locall:1850 391 391
Fax:+353 (0)1 872 6056
Homepage:http://www.isida.ie
Email:isida@eircom.net

The Miscarriage Association of Ireland
Carmichael Centre
North Brunswick Street
Dublin 7
IRELAND
Tel:+353 (0)1 8735702 or +353 (0)1 8725550
Homepage:http://www.miscarriage.ie/
Email:info@miscarriage.ie

Lynnsie · 04-08-2011 9:56pm

My mother had a baby that died at a few weeks old as well as a stillborn baby and miscarriages. I can't remember every being told about them, it was just always talked about quite openly. Typical Irish catholic family back in the day, we would have to say our prayers at night when we were little and part of that would be asking our brothers and sisters in heaven to mind us. Even now if my mother is talking to close friends or family she will include them when talking about the number of children she had.

I think this made it easier as we grew up with it and it was nice that they were always acknowledged as part of the family. But it totally depends on each person's preference, I know that with my mother it seemed to help her to talk about them and to know that we are aware of them but others may not be as comfortable with it.

LegacyUser · 07-08-2011 12:52am

I don't mean to offend, but when you mention "the siblings they lost by miscarriage" ... aren't you sort of projecting your own feelings onto your children?

The losses were your losses, and no doubt they were tragic to you - and I sympathise with you for these losses. But your children may not feel any huge connection to pregnancies that you lost before they were born. And, as they grow up, they may feel bad if you're expecting them to feel a "loss", and they just aren't experiencing this feeling.

I know that my own mother had a few miscarriages as we were growing up. It was never hidden from us, but my parents never made a big deal of it either. My mother told us that she was pregnant, then later we were told that the baby went to heaven because it wasn't meant for here. And then the matter wasn't really mentioned again.

I guess that, well, it's certainly never a good idea to lie about these things. But I don't think any young child really needs to hear about how a pregnancy would end before birth. It's only going to freak them out. Sure, when they're older and able to understand the process of childbirth etc, then maybe you could let them know about the failed pregnancies, if the topic comes up. But I don't think that raising children with the idea that they have "dead" siblings is going to particularly enhance their childhood! And maybe it's one of those issues where you have to just put their own wellbeing first?

marley123 · 07-08-2011 1:34am

I lost a child when I was very young (teenage yrs ) Personally I dont' think I will tell her siblings) I personally think about her every day & thats enough for me.

cofy · 07-08-2011 2:22pm

bigtuna wrote: »

I definitely feel like he is watching over me and that he has always been a part of my life even tho I never met him.

What a beautiful post.

Honey-ec · 07-08-2011 6:59pm

Ok, I'm possibly not going to be very popular for this, but I don't think children should be expected to feel anything - love, grief, whatever - for a child that was miscarried before they were even born. I know this sounds extremely harsh, but I tend to agree with anditylltifiable that a large amount of this is down to the parents projecting their own feelings onto their surviving children.

My maternal grandmother miscarried twins before my mum was born. Does my mother consider them siblings? No. They were dead before she was even thought of. Do I consider them two aunts that I never met? Of course not. Why would I? Obviously I'm referring specifically to miscarriages that took place before anyone's current children were born. I think in a lot of these cases, wanting your children to know about a "sibling" they never actually had is just a way of keeping the baby alive in your own memory, and not necessarily doing what's best for the living child. It's a different story if a child knew their mother was pregnant and then suddenly she's not anymore.

CathyMoran, you know your children best and if you want them to know about their "siblings", then that's your prerogative, but I would definitely wait until they're a good bit older. Maybe even wait for them to ask themselves - I know I asked my mother if she'd ever had any miscarriages when I was about 14.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

deepeedublin · 07-08-2011 8:04pm

hi there, I would definately wait. I remember my parents telling me about their miscarriages (9) when i was about 14 and i found it very upsetting but didnt feel i could discuss my upset because i wanted to protect them. i would wait till they are about 18 plus and invite them to ask questions. good luck

Victor · 08-08-2011 12:43am

anditylltifiable wrote: »

I don't mean to offend, but when you mention "the siblings they lost by miscarriage" ... aren't you sort of projecting your own feelings onto your children?

I think that will depend on the age of the age of the children. If an 8 year old has big expectations about the new arrival, only for 'nothing' to arrive, then that is an issue that needs to be dealt with carefully.

deepeedublin wrote: »

i would wait till they are about 18 plus and invite them to ask questions.

I'm wondering how this would be done. Do you mean tell them and invite questions?

jensthoughts · 09-08-2011 8:12pm

I was 6 when my mum had a miscarriage and 7 when my sister passed away shortly after birth. While my parents never had to tell me because I remember as if it was yesterday, I am glad that I grew up knowing and remembering. I am now 21 and feel that it would be very difficult to accept if I was only told now, I would feel that they were keeping it from me. While only you can decide what is best for your children, I would suggest discussing it as soon as they are old to understand. My mum went on to have another little boy who is now 12 and he grew up knowing about and talking about them. My parents never had to sit him down and tell him about them, he has just grown up hearing about them. Cant imagine him not being told until he was 18, would mean that we would have to be careful not to mention them infront of him and would just feel like a bit of a secret. But again, only you can decide whats appropriate for your children.

whatdoicare · 13-08-2011 1:43am

I wouldn't tell them at all if I were you OP - my Mam miscarried a boy (I know his name but won't post it here) between me and my older brother and she took it upon herself to dump this info on me (the only girl in the family) whenever she was alone and had a few drinks on her. The earliest I remember her doing this was maybe 5 or 6 years old - must have been six, it was the year I made my communion. She also used to go into the gory details of my older brothers birth, which was a particularly horrific birth - but that's a different thread I should write about someday!

I never told a soul about her telling me and I took all of her grief upon myself - I was very well aware of what death was at that age and had a very clear understanding of why my mam was upset. It had a very profound affect on my development, I went from being a fairly happy go lucky child to a very introverted child who often went off alone to cry.

It took me well into my adult years working with a counsellor to get over the depression that followed me all my young life and only now do I realise it wasn't my burden to bear and it was my mams grief that she should have gotten help herself for.

I know that my reaction to the information was probably not the usual but really, why take that risk? You have no idea how you're kids will take on that information.

Get yourself off to counselling to deal with your loss, and I am very sorry to hear of it and very happy that you went on to be blessed with healthy bambinos afterwards. There is no need at all to put that loss on your kids.

cofy · 13-08-2011 2:56am

CathyMoran wrote: »

Hi, we have two beautiful young children but also had multiple miscarriages before our first child was born. Both of our children are very young but I was wondering should we mention to them all the siblings that they lost. I still find it hard to discuss what happened but I want what is best for them. Sorry if this is a strange question.

Cathy you went through hell, I have been following this thread and it sounds to me that you know what is best for your children. I understand that you want your children to love the siblings that they may have had as much as you do. Given the right information they will.

Victor · 13-08-2011 3:50pm

<mod removal of quote of now deleted post>

Irish Sudden Infant Death Association
Carmichael House
4 North Brunswick Street
Dublin 7
IRELAND
Tel:+353 (0)1 873 2711
Locall:1850 391 391
Fax:+353 (0)1 872 6056
Homepage:http://www.isida.ie
Email:isida@eircom.net

The Miscarriage Association of Ireland
Carmichael Centre
North Brunswick Street
Dublin 7
IRELAND
Tel:+353 (0)1 8735702 or +353 (0)1 8725550
Homepage:http://www.miscarriage.ie/
Email:info@miscarriage.ie

molly09 · 13-08-2011 4:06pm

sometimes people plant a tress, flowers, free baloons on a particular date for babies that are lost. I think if you were doing this, your children could be involved. Then as they get older thay will ask more questions.
When they do learn the truth and understand the shocking trauma of miscarraige, it may not be a completely new to them. thoes lost children are still part of your family, although they are not physiaclly with you.

Remember whatever you decide to do is the best decision for you and your children at this point.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2011 12:56pm

My mam had a miscarriage a short time before she became pregnant with me and I found out when I was in my early teens. When she explained the timeline to me, I realised that had the baby gone to fullterm, I would not be here today. I think she told me at a perfect age as I was old enough to appreciate what had happened and that it was extremely sad for her but I was young enough to see the other side and realise that I was lucky to be around.

I remember around All Souls Day when you put an envelope in a box at the church with a list of the names of those who had died and who you wished to pray for, mam would always put a little X for that baby along side her own parents name and it used to comfort her that he/she was up there with them.

littlebug · 26-08-2011 1:38pm

I think it probably depends on the manner in which it's told and talked about.
I don't remember ever not knowing about the four babies that my mother lost. However we were never told in a grieving manner, it was all quite matter of fact so any sense of loss that my parents felt wasn't transfered onto us. It was more a case of things like "imagine if there were 7 of you like there should have been!" even though I know it wouldn't have worked out like that.

The details of the loss were spared when we were young but when we asked questions later on we were told. One of them I did used to think about as a child simply because she was the only one born after me so had she lived I wouldn't have been the youngest:o. In later years I have thought about her more because the circumstances of her birth were almost identical to my own except I survived and she didn't

However, again my mother handled that well, I was little over a year old when the last baby was born so My mother often told me how when she came home she still had a baby (ie me) so that I made her feel better. The focus was always on how lucky she was to have her surviving children as opposed to openly grieving for those that didn't make it... which I think made it easier for us to digest.

CathyMoran · 26-08-2011 1:45pm

From a medical perspective I do now feel that my children will need to know at some stage. I am thrilled with the children that I have and nothing will change that. I do not want it to be a shock for them but at the same time I do not want to upset them. At least 2 of my aunts had miscarriages that I know of but one only came forward when I had experienced mine. Again, I will do whatever I can for my children.

Darkginger · 29-08-2011 10:33pm

All I can do is relate my own experience - I was adopted at birth, because my Mum couldn't have children of her own - she had 8 miscarriages before adopting me (and one after), and I've known that since forever (ie, they must have told me when I was tiny). It's never bothered me other than a realisation when I got older of how much my Mum had gone through, and how loved and wanted I was as a result. I don't know if I'd feel any differently if the lost babies had been my blood relatives - I just know how I feel - and that's all about my Mum's experience. I can't really see a reason for not telling your kids - the earlier they know the more it becomes a part of them and their life story, and not something to be traumatised about. Just how I see it.

LegacyUser · 30-08-2011 12:20am

Going unreg for this one...

I'm the eldest child in a family of 2, but my mum had a miscarriage before I came along. I think she had gone about 7 months before the baby died, so it must have been so distressing mum and dad.

I remember being told from a young age about my 'sister in heaven' who had died before I was born. I think I must have been 3 or 4. Obviously I wasn't able to grasp the full grevity and seriousness and sadness of the situation, but I was able to understand the fact that I had an older sister who had died.

They didn't talk about it much (or maybe that was just when I was around), and even though they still don't mention her much, I think it may have been due to the time that it happened. In the late 70s/early 80s people didn't discuss it much, and couples weren't given time with the baby or advised to have their own burial for the baby. Thankfully things are different now, and people can discuss miscarriages without a stigma or awkwardness, which probably makes it that little bit easier for people to deal with and a topic which they can appraoch more openly with their children (and I say that without meaning to belittle the sadness and sense of loss of a miscarriage).

Obvouisly you know your children best, but I would have no problem beginning to mention your miscarriages to my children from about 3 or 4 (when they're old enough to understand death). For me, I think my mum's way of introducing me to the situation was ideal, because she didn't go into any details. She just told me about my older sister who had gone to heaven because God wanted her up there rather than down here. So it was something I just accepted and grew up with. It didn't freak me out or upset me. It's only in my adult life, from abot 25 onwards, that I really started to think about it more and more, and actually want to visit the grave. Even though it only began to really sink in then, I'm still glad my mum told me about my sister, and it was nice to know I had a sister, even if she wasn't around.

I would hate to have been told when I was older, especially in my late teens or early 20s. Life around that age can be difficult enough to handle without learning about siblings who hadn't survived.

Children are very resiliant and it's often only when they're young that they would ask you questions about what happened. I know now (I'm 32) that I wouldn't ask mum and dad any questions about what happened as I don't want to upset them as they've gone through enough and I don't want to open a healing wound again.

Obviously you and your husband know your children best, and will know the best time/way to approach the topic, but I feel the way my mum handled it with me was great, and I definitely would tell your children about their siblings who are no longer with you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Cathy, and congratulations on the birth of your two healthy children. I know whatever you decide to do will be the best for them! Take care.

pow wow · 30-08-2011 8:58pm

My sister had a twin that was miscarried (unsure of the appropriate terminology - apologies) and we always knew about it growing up. It wasn't talked about terribly regularly but I have to say hand on heart that if I had the choice I would not have wanted to know as a child. Now that I'm an adult I can process it properly but it was difficult for us to deal with as children. It's not just 'there was another baby' it's 'it was my sister' (it was never presented to us in that way but that's how we dealt with it) and it was at times traumatic in that we'd think to ourselves what they were missing and how it wasn't fair (much like children react when they encounter their first death of a relative/friend) and not just that but it was even more unfair because it was a baby and it was our sister etc.

Children are resilient but having the choice and knowing about the upset it may bring to them because they can't process the information and loss in the same way as adults can (and even as adults it's an immensely difficult thing to handle) I wouldn't be inclined to tell children when they are young.

I am so glad things worked out for you though Cathy I have to say

easychair · 31-08-2011 10:34am

pow wow wrote: »

Children are resilient but having the choice and knowing about the upset it may bring to them because they can't process the information and loss in the same way as adults can (and even as adults it's an immensely difficult thing to handle) I wouldn't be inclined to tell children when they are young.

I'm not sure what "can't process the information and loss in the same way as adults " means.

As part of a family, my view is that it's wrong not to be open and honest with each other. Death is part of life, whether or not it's granny or a sibling or a stillbirth. What is more important is to face issues together as a family, and not take on responsibility for the reaction of others.

It's infinitely better to be open and honest, and discuss these issues as a normal part of life, rather than being secretive and keeping things from other family members.

How these things are discussed is important, and we should all remember that death is a normal part of life, and should be treated as such.

pow wow · 31-08-2011 11:40am

It means that as children their reaction is naturally different to an adult's - I'm not sure which part of that is difficult to comprehend. Recognising that and tailoring your parenting accordingly doesn't make you closed or dishonest.

My post was based on my own experience having been in that situation, as were the posts of others who suggested it was better to tell the children. The decision is the OP's to make with her family and I'm sure when the time comes it will be done carefully and with nothing but the best interests of their children at heart.

I don't think any of us are under any illusions about the nature of death given the topic under discussion.

easychair · 31-08-2011 12:14pm

pow wow wrote: »

It means that as children their reaction is naturally different to an adult's - I'm not sure which part of that is difficult to comprehend. Recognising that and tailoring your parenting accordingly doesn't make you closed or dishonest.

My post was based on my own experience having been in that situation, as were the posts of others who suggested it was better to tell the children. The decision is the OP's to make with her family and I'm sure when the time comes it will be done carefully and with nothing but the best interests of their children at heart.

I don't think any of us are under any illusions about the nature of death given the topic under discussion.

I'm not sure there is one adult reaction and one children's reaction. From my experience adults react differently from each other in how they cope and deal with death. So it is with children too.

I am aware that the decision is the OP's to make, and would hate to live in a world where the OP was forced to take a decision which he or she didn't want to take. I assume we all believe that.

My point was simple, and it's just that I can't understand what the benefit is to be secretive about the information. ironically, the very secrecy can become the issue in later life, and to me there is no benefit from withholding the information.

pow wow · 31-08-2011 4:42pm

From re-reading my posts I didn't suggest that all adults handle loss a certain way and that all children do it in another way. However children do handle it differently to adults, because they're children. It's not necessarily any better or any worse.

As for your views on the 'secrecy' of not telling a child about a miscarriage, well they're your own.

easychair · 31-08-2011 5:05pm

pow wow wrote: »

From re-reading my posts I didn't suggest that all adults handle loss a certain way and that all children do it in another way. However children do handle it differently to adults, because they're children. It's not necessarily any better or any worse.

As for your views on the 'secrecy' of not telling a child about a miscarriage, well they're your own.

Of course, I am not here giving someone elses's views! I sort of assumed your views are also your own views and not someone elses's!

tatabubbly · 01-09-2011 9:45pm

I dunno, i know my mum told me about hers and tbh, it freaked me out a little.. Not sure why but it did.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2011 6:03pm

i think if you miscarried while trying for a baby at an early stage - 6 weeks, 8 weeks there is a difference if you miscarry at 14 weeks or 20 weeks.

My partner and I lost our son as she went pre term at 26 weeks and after a week he didnt make it.

She had miscarried before at 6 weeks a year or two before

we will tell our future children when they are older, or old enough to process and understand what happened about their big bro who watches over them

i can't see the miscarriage at 6 weeks coming into anything other than a completely adult conversation with our kids as it is a different level of grief and pregnancy and i would feel would require a certain amount of emotional adult intelligence to process - teenagers at the youngest, i don't think our hurt at that early loss should be something for them to try process until they are old enough to understand everything in an adult fashion

does that make any sense ?

easychair · 12-09-2011 2:21pm

It, of course, makes perfect sense.

In our family, my brother died when he was just over a year old, and he was the first child. My parents had, and still have, a picture of him as a baby in their sitting room, and we all knew about him as it was never a secret. My Mum also had at least one miscarriage, and again that was never a secret, as such. We were lucky as from an early age we were told that babies were born "because daddy plants a seed in mummys tummy".

Children can understand most things perfectly well, so long as they are put in a way they can understand. My preference is to tell children and not keep secrets, but also to be careful how to tell them, and to tell them is a way which they understand. Others may prefer to keep things from children, but as a child I was grateful to be important enough to be told about my family history, which not only included Granny & Grandpa, but also about my brother Stephen.

Stench Blossoms · 13-09-2011 11:46am

My mother lost a child when I was 7. She was 7months.

My sister came along a year later. She was told about her other sister from the beginning and I thought this wasn't right even at a young age.

She was curious and wanted to know more about her. But there wasn't anything to know. Which made my sister very confused.

My mother was just holding on and trying to portray her love of her unborn child onto my sister which never happened.

easychair · 14-09-2011 7:41am

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

My mother lost a child when I was 7. She was 7months.

My sister came along a year later. She was told about her other sister from the beginning and I thought this wasn't right even at a young age.

She was curious and wanted to know more about her. But there wasn't anything to know. Which made my sister very confused.

My mother was just holding on and trying to portray her love of her unborn child onto my sister which never happened.

Do you think it was wrong that you also knew about it, aged 7?

I'm not sure its right, or wrong, although I can understand that it might have been confusing for your sister. I have friends who something similar happened to, and they never kept it a secret from their two children, who are now aged 17 and 14. In fact, they would not have their two children now had the original child lived, and they count their blessings as they have two wonderful, funny, talented, happy bright children.

Stench Blossoms · 14-09-2011 2:26pm

easychair wrote: »

Do you think it was wrong that you also knew about it, aged 7?

I'm not sure its right, or wrong, although I can understand that it might have been confusing for your sister. I have friends who something similar happened to, and they never kept it a secret from their two children, who are now aged 17 and 14. In fact, they would not have their two children now had the original child lived, and they count their blessings as they have two wonderful, funny, talented, happy bright children.

Well at age 7 I knew my mother was pregnant so I had to be told.

My sister on the other hand didn't really need to know about it. But since my mother named her and put pictures of her around the house (yes pictures of a dead baby!!) and visited the grave often the child was bound to ask questions.

easychair · 14-09-2011 3:50pm

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Well at age 7 I knew my mother was pregnant so I had to be told.

My sister on the other hand didn't really need to know about it. But since my mother named her and put pictures of her around the house (yes pictures of a dead baby!!) and visited the grave often the child was bound to ask questions.

Pictures of a dead baby does seem a little gruesome.

I was once skiing and found myself at lunchtime with a friend's father on some peak or other. I asked him how they chose the name Quentin for my friend, and he said because he was their 5th child. I knew them to have 4 children, and on enquiring further he said that one child was a cot death. I did the ususal "that must have been terrible" and he said, that at the time it was, but that they had to count their blessings as if the other child had survived they would not have had another, and Quentin would never have been born.

The older generations have a lot to teach us about death, and perspective, and how death is part of life.

It might be unpopular, but sometimes I think we tend towards the self indulgent when it comes to death, and think of no one around us and only of ourselves. We all know death is an inevitable part of life, and we all also know that death does not happen in sequence, and often comes unexpectedly.

Should I tell our children about the siblings they lost by miscarriage

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